I woke up this morning after an... odd evening and even weirder night of dreaming. I laid in bed with this vague 'something isn't right' feeling.
I got up, made myself some huevos rancheros, some yerba mate tea with milk and came back to bed. I couldn't sleep, but also couldn't figure out what was pushing against my mind.
I closed my eyes for a few moments and entered this half awake/half asleep arena. In this shamanic state, I heard the word 'passion'. Without controlling the images that flashed through my mind - I saw people I know and have known and I saw their passions - dancing, acting, singing, writing, biking, journeywork, camping, drawing, disney, painting... Lots of people, and lots of activities that spoke to their hearts. I sat up in bed with this clarity about what it is that has my life feeling skewed.
I've lost my passion.
In my twenties, my passion was spirituality. I wanted to know everything about everything spiritual. Why did people believe the way they did? What brought joy to people's hearts? What purpose does faith serve in someone's life? What do different religions say and why do people follow them? What is the beauty in divinity? I spent fifteen years searching out those questions - from prayer meetings, to sweat lodges to shaman retreats in Hawaii. I'm not sure how or why, but the inner desire to seek that information just shifted. I was still curious, but didn't feel that passion to continue to seek.
In my thirties, I think my passion became mythology. I loved reading it, couldn't get enough of it. I wanted to understand the connection of humanity to universal mythic ideas. It was a natural extension of my curiosity about religion. It was during this time I lost almost all of my faith. I chose to spend time with people of no faith, who openly mocked faith. I delved into mythology deeply and passionately.
In my forties, I found my faith again. It looks pretty odd to an outsider, I suppose. A full on mishmash of different ideas from different cultures and times. It has no real form, but I found I was terribly unhappy without it. Terribly lonely. And I guess, I believe in magic and I missed finding the magic in my life on a daily basis. I found reconnecting to divinity was essential to me not losing myself when in my mid forties I became a sudden parent. My belief in something more than myself has helped me be a better parent and a better person. I cherish my love for mythology and it is an important part of my faith, but I can't say either of those things are my passion anymore.
So what am I left with? I think I am left with a desire to...to find desire. And I don't know where it is going to come from. However, my past passions have been mental and spiritual. This time, I want to pursue something active- hiking maybe. But on my own terms. In my own way. I don't want to over-push myself and injure myself again. Running was filling that passion void in my life for a while, but when I hurt myself I had to give it up. There was a time when biking was a passion of mine, I don't know if biking will hurt my knee or not, but I might try it again. I know that part of the struggle I am having in my life right now has to do with a lack of my own passion - and replacing passion with distraction or someone else's passion.
And that is what is comes down to for me: passion versus distraction. Distraction is easy - and I have done too much of that lately. Distracting myself instead of listening to myself. Addiction can also be a very easy trap to fall into - but while distraction and addiction tear you down, I think a true passion for something you love builds you up. It reinforces your own strength. It clears your head and helps you find your center.
I think I am missing my center. I am at my best when I am connected to myself. When I listen to my heart. When I choose good people to have around me. People who send me notes like this and remind me of my value, my beauty and that I am, at my very core, a passionate woman:
It is time to find the passion in me again. I'm not sure it is something I will do with someone else. Not to say that my passion for whatever is next won't lead me to meet new, wonderful people or find ways to relate to people I already know. I have this feeling, it is time to listen when Marc Cohn says, "Dig down deep" and explore what it is that pushes me to grow, heal, center and continue to get healthy - as my weight goes down, my body can do more. And I want to find out just what that means.
With love,
MaryKate
Erica Jong