Job Opening (due to recent retirement): She-Ra Champion of the High Road 

25/100

To forgive or not to forgive, that is what I struggle with. Lately, I feel more and more like I am clinging to the high road with bloodied fingernails. Everything that I have learned implies it is essential to take the high road. To rise above and to forgive. However, a very small (albeit powerful) dark part of myself just wants to tear out eyeballs...

and step on them.

Weirdly? I think I want to tear out mine.

I've tried taking deep breaths because breathing deeply is supposed to fix this sort of thing.

It helps

until I breathe out again.

Sometimes, I feel like I have my feet solidly on the high road. Heck, I've got a roadmap helping others along. I'm a walking freaking billboard of "I've got it all figured out - ness." I'm beyond mere mortal. I'm She-Ra, Champion of the High Road.

There is a saying in 12 step programs - 'fake it until you make it'. In this case? That's just about the worst advice I could possibly take. Because until I truly deal with why I feel like I am barely holding on to the high road in the first place, it's worse than simply bad advice. It's a baldfaced lie I'm telling to myself. Every time I force myself to say, "Hey, all is forgiven, all is peace. All is good. I am just a 'being of Love' and I want everyone to be happy." I dig myself into the lie all the deeper. And really, if just typing those words makes me want to throw up? There's a good chance chanting to myself that "I'm okay, you're okay" isn't a solution.

I grew up in a house where we were supposed to pretend bad things didn't happen. We ignored the elephant in the middle of the living room. We looked the other way and hid every uncomfortable feeling before anyone saw us *not* being perfect. We never admitted to feeling betrayed or abandoned or pushed aside. We didn't discuss feelings of worthlessness or shame. Those concepts? Those dark places? Were hung on the elephant like so many bells and decorations. And even as that elephant grew, we just learned to dance around it more skillfully.

I'm not feeling skillful or graceful now. And part of my issue is that my inability to maintain a peaceful existence on the high road is because I have a lifetime of forcing myself to walk there all 'noble' without ever examining  the foundation of the road. I'm pretty sure that high road is built on elephant dung.

So, hey, right now? I can't quite manage the high road in a few situations in my life. I'm not going to throw mud and I am not going to sink down into the muck. In general, I'm a relatively upbeat and positive person. However, I'm giving myself permission to give my fingernails a rest. I might just have to drop off the high road and try that 'middle' path I've heard so much about.

I wonder if by walking that middle path for a while and truly recognizing when I feel abandoned, hurt, unappreciated and frustrated, I can learn to navigate those emotions more successfully. I have a feeling that middle ground I've heard about so often just might be the true high road. Not the 'high road' where I sacrifice who I am and what my needs are in order to keep the peace and keep everyone happy, nor the low road where I just rail against those who done me wrong (like a good country song), but the middle road created by taking care of myself and being honest about how I am feeling.

I guess it isn't about the high, middle or low road at all. Maybe what I am learning is how to take the 'healthy' road. (which doesn't make a nearly as good country song...:)

Peace,

MaryKate

And? We're Off...
1/100


It took me three days to try to find a 'witty' title for this blog. I had about twenty names here are the final top ten:

• Over weight, on to healthy (funny, yes? yeah I didn't think so either)
• 100 days, 100 ways to being healthy (too long)
• Weight weight don't tell me (NPR anyone?)
• Weigh down to the heart of it (does that need explanation as to why it didn't win?)
• Feed the heart not the hole (my sister suggested that one... it had double and triple entendres which seriously took it out of the running)
• 40 not fatty (clever but yeah... not so much)
• 42, eyes of blue, why do I weigh 282? (hahah that one still makes me laugh)
• Leaving the fat behind (which was a *really* close second)
• Fit x 44 (Fit by 44 - which sounded like an SUV)
• Recipes of a newly fit girl (which every time I read it read "recipes of a newly fat girl... which seriously missed the point)

'My Weigh Out' won. I chose it because finding myself? Has been one seriously long journey. I'm 42, and still seeking. My highest weight was this January. I weighed 315. At the peak of my unhappiness I peaked on the scale. Trying to navigate a crumbling, emotionally vacant marriage I sought comfort and closeness in familiar habits. I couldn't get closeness from my husband? No problem. Something deep fried *always* fixed that - except when it didn't. Which was happening more and more often. But seriously, we all know that story. Those who struggle with weight. Who struggle with self esteem. Who struggle with being present. 

I got a divorce, started to dig myself out of past habits and starting getting my life together. I stopped trying to be perfect and started being present. After spending the summer at home with my 83 year old dad, I worked through some issues that were the foundations of my poor relationship with food  (the reasons I eat are legion, and few of them are actually good) but since January, I've shed about 30 pounds and find myself around 285 right now.

Then I got back to the fine Pacific Northwest, got on the scale and realized my weight loss had stalled. And I thought... what can I do? How can I hold myself accountable and move forward in this journey?  The answer was to do what a million other people are doing. Write a blog. One about me and how I'm spending the next 100 days being healthy. Not being perfect. That's my goal. I'll share some recipes I'm trying, I'll share some ideas I have about reconnecting with my spirit, and I'll share my physical journey the best I know how. 

Join me... tell me what you think you could do in 100 days to improve your life. I'm interested in hearing about it. Read along... comment... lurk :). Mostly I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. But if you think you might enjoy coming along, I'd appreciate the company.

Peace,

MaryKate