Finding peace with uncomfortable
121

I spent two hours last night, after my daughter went to sleep, sitting outside. I bundled up in my favorite robe, in my favorite lawn chair, with my toes tucked under me, and looked at the stars. I found myself pondering something uncomfortable - being 46 and single again. I had no self-recriminations or anger. Just sat with my thoughts. For much of the time, I honored my past and the relationships I have had. I thought about kissing my first love in the rain by a river in Ohio, and wishing the moment would never end. I thought about the person that offered me an intense love I knew I could never return. I remembered the handsome,  6'7" Cowboy that bundled up with me in a blue velour blanket on the roof when I lived in that crazy shack on the Puget Sound. How, on a night in August all those years ago, he held my hand under the stars, taught me the difference between satellites and airplanes and listened when I said shooting stars were magical. I thought about the one I married and how pretty I felt on my wedding day and how wonderful it felt to have the people I loved smiling and happy around me. I thought about the one I slow danced with in my living room as I sang a Celine Dion song to handsome, healing eyes. I thought about that time in Mexico when I laughed over winning at cribbage, drank Dirty Monkeys, and felt such joy in another's smile while listening to ocean waves crash onto the beach.  I didn't hold tightly onto any of the people or memories, just let them pass through and followed them as each led to the next and warmed my heart.

It was nice to look at the more pleasant moments of those relationships. I also looked at the not-so-wonderful moments in those relationships. The uncomfortable moments of anger, betrayal, unmet expectations, rejection, dismissal, and abandonment. I thought about belongings left in boxes and bags and loose ends that will never be tied nicely into bows. It was difficult, but I welcomed those painful feelings and acknowledged them, then let them move through me. While those feelings and experiences are honest reflections of my heart and my path, holding on to them would keep me stuck in the past.

This time of reflection in my life has been important. Ending relationships can be messy and complicated and uncomfortable. The untangling of hopes and dreams and re-establishing identity takes time and patience. Especially now that it isn't just my heart I am concerned with - having a child adds a whole new dimension to who I am as a person and my responsibilities as a role model and parent. It's changed how I see the world and my place in it.

Right now, my world certainly feels uncomfortable. Taking the time to sit in my uncomfortableness is part of growing up. Too often, I have rushed through events that are uncomfortable because... well... they're uncomfortable damn it! Things feel unresolved and unstable. I don't like sitting in the unknowing and I really want to understand it all right now! Learning to sit in the space of unsettled is hard, but I am determined not to push it away.

In the past, I have eaten to escape feeling uncomfortable. I have had a drink to avoid feeling uncomfortable. I have rushed to find someone new to bypass feeling uncomfortable. I have tried to fill the space of uncomfortable with distraction - be it in whatever form that may have taken. Not this time. This time, as much as it is possible, I am staying present with this anxious, edgy space. In the past, I have struggled with discomfort, and it is nice to see that I am making progress in how I manage it for myself.

I am using this time to explore the beautiful and the not so beautiful parts of me. I am embracing my strength, power, beauty, joy, sorrow, selfishness, curiosity, compassion and grace to move to the next step on my journey. Not eating to find an escape for my anxiety is hard, but moving through this process forges a deeper and truer connection with my Self - it is affirming and empowering. Being centered in uncomfortable is sacred.

I grew up in a family of enablers and I learned that role exceptionally well. I learned early how to give myself up in a relationship. What I am learning now, is how to honor myself no matter my relationship status. It means finding some peace with people and events from my past that I can't change. Richard Bach, in his book Illusions, says:

You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them. You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.

I'm not sure I can choose a different past, but I do believe I can change how I perceive my past and heal the parts that have left me seeking someone else to fill some imagined lacking in my life.

Knowing who I am and working on filling my own emotional needs means I can walk away from co-dependent, enabling relationships where I seek someone else to make me feel good enough, smart enough, and worthwhile enough to finally earn love and approval - I'll already have my own! I read recently that you enter relationships with someone who likes you just a little more than you like yourself. And while it isn't that I don't like myself, I'm taking the time to truly feel this space of being uncomfortable in order to reacquaint myself with the parts of me I have avoided. And it isn't just the parts of myself I don't like that I have avoided, I have avoided the parts of myself I do like. No one forced me do that - to give up the parts of me I liked. It is a pattern of behavior I learned. And it worked for me - until it didn't. It is time for me to learn a new way of being in relationship with myself and making choices that honor the relationship I am building with who I am, just as I am. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be, but the more I like who I am, the more I will attract people into my life that like who they are as well.

I learned the term radical acceptance last week. From the article:

Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.

I appreciate those of you that have listened to me, talked with me, read my words, walked with me, learned with me, shared with me, laughed and cried with me recently. I also appreciate those who have left my life to walk their own path in a different direction - I am grateful for the time shared and the experiences that have brought me to where I am today.

Right now, learning to be in the space of uncomfortable isn't easy. But by staying present with the struggle and not running to food or some other distraction means I am honoring my goals of living a healthier, more present life. It means instead of pursuing the false 'comfort' I once found in food, I am free to pursue things in my life that bring me true happiness.

And that is worth the struggle.



Peace,

MaryKate

Sometimes, There's No Good Side 

70/100

This is my third blog about breaking up. Apparently, I've been doing a bit of that lately. I realized this weekend that there is no good side to be on when breaking up.

No one wants to be dumped. No one wants someone to say to her, "Hey you're nice and all, but I need my freedom..." or whatever platitude you get when someone wants to kick you to the curb. It's painful and you can't help but ask yourself (especially if the 'other' person has conveniently moved on to someone else before even telling you the curb is waiting) what was wrong with ME?

And who the heck wants to be the dumper? Unentangling yourself from the arms of another is not easy. For me it is doubly difficult. Because I am terrible at it. I end up writing a letter that I spend HOURS pouring over until I finally write something clear and honest. The letter says, "Hey, I don't want to be with you anymore. I am looking for something different in my life. I wish you all the best and I think it is time for us both to move on to a new experience." The letter? Is great. But then? The person calls/emails/messages me. And I stumble - and all that great clarity I had? Seeps away and I am left a quivering ball of jelly. I hear/feel the hurt in the other person and all that clarity disappears. All those solid boundaries with another person melt and what ends up coming out is, "Hey, I don't want to be with you anymore (unless you want to be with me, then let's talk." or "Hey don't call me anymore (unless you do because I'll pick up the phone and try to make you feel better and find myself deeper in this relationship I don't really want to be in)" or "I am looking for a different experience in my life (unless you say you will change although we both know you won't, but I'll give you another chance just in case)." And I end up caving. I question my intuition that told me I wanted out in the first place. Especially if the other person throws in some guilt. I cave. And I regret caving. But I think... well maybe *one* more chance.

Meh. I think breaking up with someone is hard for me because I struggle with my own sense of worthiness. I feel so fortunate that someone likes me that I dismiss the warning bells or the reality that just because someone likes me, that isn't reason enough to stay with someone if I know, in my heart, that my needs aren't being met. I'm willing to work on things and work on things, but perhaps, in the end, the reality is that people don't change much. They can alter things (looks, gain/lose weight, new place to live, new friends, stop/start using drugs etc) but at the core? People are who they are. At my core, I am still, at times, a frightened girl who lies to try to control everything around her. As a more healthy adult? I work hard to *not* lie. I work hard to remember that I can protect myself and I am a strong woman. But I admit that even now, even after all these years of *not* lying, my instinct? Is to lie sometimes. It is the first impulse. I have to really struggle with it on occasion, because I swear at times lying just feels like it is so much easier. But it isn't. And I don't. And if you don't lie? You probably have no idea what the struggle is like. It's a core addiction just like drugs or food or alcohol. Lying gives the false sense of making things easy. But it never does, because most of the time, the other person knows you are lying and they lose trust in you. So I have learned not to lie. Has my core changed? Perhaps not. Perhaps at my core I am a truthteller, and I just learned to lie to protect myself. What I know? Is that my behavior about lying has changed, but my desire to lie? Has not changed.

My sense of being a worthwhile person has also changed. Growing up I didn't really believe that about myself.  Today? I have a better sense of self, a better sense of what I have to do to be healthy. I have a better sense of what I need to do to take care of myself, to be in a healthy relationship with myself and others and I have a better sense of what I seek in a partner.

Having that sense of self, however, doesn't make it any easier when I have to move on - ending a relationship no matter what side of the equation I am on, isn't easy.

Peace,

MaryKate

What's love got to do, got to do with it?

29/100

So, my best friend says there is nothing harder to get over than heart break. I think it is because one invests so much of oneself in love. Love is this amazing thing and it reaches in so deeply. And it hurts so painfully when it ends. No matter how much you wish the other person well, breaking up with someone, or being the one broken up with? Is painful.

My sister says that you can't be friends with a former lover. She's not even sure men and women can be 'friends'. I think men and women can be friends, but I don't think that someone in a relationship can 'hang out' with a single person of the opposite sex and not have it affect the primary relationship. I suppose that is another story. Or another blog entry.

I don't know if you can be 'buddies' with someone you once loved. Perhaps if you 'cared' about them but weren't 'inlove'... I don't know. I don't even know that I can explain the difference between love and 'in love' but I know how it feels. And it feels different.

But heartbreak tonight pretty much feels like someone has pulled out my heart, tossed it on the floor and after six beers and nothing to eat decided to dance on it wearing clogs.

However, I'm trying to see heartbreak as an opportunity to let go. To make peace with the past, accept that one phase of life is over and a new phase is beginning. It's just a little scary. Thinking about starting over. But I suppose heartbreak only defeats you when you give up. When you doubt your capacity to love. When you hate your ex or hate your ex's new love interest. Or just hate yourself for hating. That's a lot of hate. Doesn't seem healthy to me.

So... tonight I wanted to eat an entire truckload of food. Deep fried to be exact. Deep deep fried. Oh, and crunchy. But I didn't. It was late, I hadn't eaten much and I knew I was hungry. I had a simple dinner with no dairy and not too many calories. I felt full and I knew I made a good choice because nothing was frozen or deep fried..

Maybe I'm finally getting the food thing figured out. Now I just need to work on the exercise. And hey, if my dad can get over heart break at 83, I can manage it at almost 43.

Peace,

MaryKate

Breakin' Up is Heart to do...

5/100


I have a friend who is going through a relationship breakup. She was sure he was The One and now? Not so much. I can identify, having recently gone through my own breakup. I'm still sorting through the pieces so I suspect this entry might be a bit muddy... it's a process, right?

I'm not going to go on about why my marriage failed, but I see a similar pattern to what is happening with my friend and what happened to me. I think it's all tied up with being healthy.

I tend to put people on pedestals. High ones. When I meet someone, I think that is sort of natural. That other person is magical at first. Both of us sitting high on our pedestals holding hands across the abyss. But, due to the nature of the universe, and that little thing called gravity? People fall; pedestals break. The fall is hard; heaven knows I've gotten hurt. Hurt because the dreams and expectations I had for my relationship and the person I put on the pedestal have come crashing down into shards around me. And generally? Both people fall off their respective pedestals about the same time... so there we both are. Standing in plaster and marble and 'crap' up to our elbows.

This is where you find out what your relationship is made of... when you are standing there, in the middle of your pile of crap up to your elbows. You either look at each other, cry a little over the destroyed pedestals and rebuild a solid foundation together? Or you don't. For me? I felt like I stood in the crumbles wanting to talk about it and build upon it... and my partner was busy building another pedestal. One I didn't fit on... and hey... that's how it goes sometimes. No doubt, being down in the crumbles is hard! Who wants to hang out in the dirty air and the dust? It's much easier to hang out higher up, in the clean air...

But this summer? I spent some time in the rubble and the dust. I looked through the pieces of my pedestal and appreciated all the reasons why I had built it in the first place. The laughter, the good times. And I'd like to think I spent some time cleaning up my debris.

I'm hoping next time I meet someone? I build a pedestal that is about...ohh... knee high. High enough to adore, but not high enough to be blinding. Because, what I know? Is that I believe in love... I believe that love can last a long time - a life time in some cases. But both people involved? Have to want that. Have to want to pick up the pieces once the pedestal cracks. Have to acknowledge expectations that are unfair or unbalanced and work together to find a way to build love and a life - together. And building a more realistic image of the other person is a lot easier than trying to clean up a massive amount of shattered hopes and crushed dreams. Small pedestals ftw*.

Weirdly? I think it is healthy going through breakups. One of my dearest friends says, "there is nothing harder to get over than heartbreak" and I think that is true.  I've done some crazy things in my life trying to 'get over love' but I think I've done equally crazy things 'trying to find love'. All I know? Is that desperation is no way to find love that lasts, is healthy and solid. But when I have gone through a break up, I have almost always emerged healthier and wiser. So, while I don't advocate a relationship break-up as a way to personal enlightenment and growth, when it happens it is an opportunity to do a little housecleaning.

So, how was the end of my relationship healthy? Well, because I left a situation that wasn't nurturing, and because I was willing to spend some time working through the crap pile I carry around with me. What I'm realizing is that love is about finding myself. Being happy with who I am. Loving what makes me unique and special. Knowing those things about myself, focusing on becoming the best "MaryKate" I know how to be is incredibly powerful. It means, next time I find myself in a relationship, I can come at it without 'desperation' or overblown expectations that someone is going to 'save' me or 'worship' me or 'take care' of me. If I do all those things for myself, it's just gravy if someone comes along who also does those things! I realize we are flawed beings, and we all have our quirks and baggage - I am no exception. Heck I might be the poster child for flawed, but then, I'm not expecting perfection in myself or in a partner. Just someone who is as invested as I am in making a life together, sharing a capacity to acknowledge the needs of the other person and being willing to talk about things and work through things together.

In the meantime, I'm not expecting someone to come walking through my door and 'presto' suddenly I'm in love again and the sun is shinier and the clouds are less cloudy. I think it takes time after the end of one space in your life before diving in to another...

So I'll just spend a little more time with me - healing, laughing, crying, growing, becoming more focused on being healthy and trusting my own healing. I hope my friend does the same. If I have any advice worth anything, this is what I would tell her:  I know the heartbreak cuts you apart, but take stock in that cutting, because it might just be the best way to let go of some of that baggage, lighten up and shine all the brighter :)!!

Peace,
MaryKate

*ftw = 'for the win' to explain to my non-gaming friends: It means 'victory' or 'doing what it takes to make the team or self successful'