Breakin' Up is Heart to do...

5/100


I have a friend who is going through a relationship breakup. She was sure he was The One and now? Not so much. I can identify, having recently gone through my own breakup. I'm still sorting through the pieces so I suspect this entry might be a bit muddy... it's a process, right?

I'm not going to go on about why my marriage failed, but I see a similar pattern to what is happening with my friend and what happened to me. I think it's all tied up with being healthy.

I tend to put people on pedestals. High ones. When I meet someone, I think that is sort of natural. That other person is magical at first. Both of us sitting high on our pedestals holding hands across the abyss. But, due to the nature of the universe, and that little thing called gravity? People fall; pedestals break. The fall is hard; heaven knows I've gotten hurt. Hurt because the dreams and expectations I had for my relationship and the person I put on the pedestal have come crashing down into shards around me. And generally? Both people fall off their respective pedestals about the same time... so there we both are. Standing in plaster and marble and 'crap' up to our elbows.

This is where you find out what your relationship is made of... when you are standing there, in the middle of your pile of crap up to your elbows. You either look at each other, cry a little over the destroyed pedestals and rebuild a solid foundation together? Or you don't. For me? I felt like I stood in the crumbles wanting to talk about it and build upon it... and my partner was busy building another pedestal. One I didn't fit on... and hey... that's how it goes sometimes. No doubt, being down in the crumbles is hard! Who wants to hang out in the dirty air and the dust? It's much easier to hang out higher up, in the clean air...

But this summer? I spent some time in the rubble and the dust. I looked through the pieces of my pedestal and appreciated all the reasons why I had built it in the first place. The laughter, the good times. And I'd like to think I spent some time cleaning up my debris.

I'm hoping next time I meet someone? I build a pedestal that is about...ohh... knee high. High enough to adore, but not high enough to be blinding. Because, what I know? Is that I believe in love... I believe that love can last a long time - a life time in some cases. But both people involved? Have to want that. Have to want to pick up the pieces once the pedestal cracks. Have to acknowledge expectations that are unfair or unbalanced and work together to find a way to build love and a life - together. And building a more realistic image of the other person is a lot easier than trying to clean up a massive amount of shattered hopes and crushed dreams. Small pedestals ftw*.

Weirdly? I think it is healthy going through breakups. One of my dearest friends says, "there is nothing harder to get over than heartbreak" and I think that is true.  I've done some crazy things in my life trying to 'get over love' but I think I've done equally crazy things 'trying to find love'. All I know? Is that desperation is no way to find love that lasts, is healthy and solid. But when I have gone through a break up, I have almost always emerged healthier and wiser. So, while I don't advocate a relationship break-up as a way to personal enlightenment and growth, when it happens it is an opportunity to do a little housecleaning.

So, how was the end of my relationship healthy? Well, because I left a situation that wasn't nurturing, and because I was willing to spend some time working through the crap pile I carry around with me. What I'm realizing is that love is about finding myself. Being happy with who I am. Loving what makes me unique and special. Knowing those things about myself, focusing on becoming the best "MaryKate" I know how to be is incredibly powerful. It means, next time I find myself in a relationship, I can come at it without 'desperation' or overblown expectations that someone is going to 'save' me or 'worship' me or 'take care' of me. If I do all those things for myself, it's just gravy if someone comes along who also does those things! I realize we are flawed beings, and we all have our quirks and baggage - I am no exception. Heck I might be the poster child for flawed, but then, I'm not expecting perfection in myself or in a partner. Just someone who is as invested as I am in making a life together, sharing a capacity to acknowledge the needs of the other person and being willing to talk about things and work through things together.

In the meantime, I'm not expecting someone to come walking through my door and 'presto' suddenly I'm in love again and the sun is shinier and the clouds are less cloudy. I think it takes time after the end of one space in your life before diving in to another...

So I'll just spend a little more time with me - healing, laughing, crying, growing, becoming more focused on being healthy and trusting my own healing. I hope my friend does the same. If I have any advice worth anything, this is what I would tell her:  I know the heartbreak cuts you apart, but take stock in that cutting, because it might just be the best way to let go of some of that baggage, lighten up and shine all the brighter :)!!

Peace,
MaryKate

*ftw = 'for the win' to explain to my non-gaming friends: It means 'victory' or 'doing what it takes to make the team or self successful'