Forgiveness - Then and Now

Forgiveness  Excuses

119

In my life, I have often said that it is easy for me to forgive - sometimes it might take a while, but I find in time I make peace with the people and events of my past. But as I strive to live a more authentic life where I am more honest with myself and those around me (even at the cost of relationships) I see now that what I thought was forgiveness, in actuality, wasn't.

In truth, I forgive less and make excuses more. I find it easy to make a truckload of excuses for myself and others:

• He had a hard childhood, that's why he is so angry
• She was in a bad marriage and didn't know she was pushing me away
• His mother was a narcissist and he was never nurtured, therefore he doesn't know how to nurture
• She's a good person in her heart. She didn't mean to be so disrespectful
• His pattern is to run away when things get difficult, because that is what his father did
• If I had just remembered to do XXX he wouldn't have gotten so upset
• If I just try harder and give more, things will be okay
• This person needs me to love him/her and it's okay to be the one in this relationship/friendship doing most of the emotional nurturing and giving

It is one thing to recognize the struggles and situations from the past and acknowledge how those influence who I am and others are now. It is entirely another situation to use that knowledge to make an excuse about the situation. Making excuses for others is NOT forgiveness. In some ways, it is exactly the opposite.

Making an excuse for someone else or myself is letting ME off the hook. It is not loving myself enough to be honest with the other person or with me about what I am feeling, therefore denying my own needs within a relationship. A good example in my life is how I deal with anger and rage. Someone who rages, scares me. I feel unsafe. But instead of looking at that and eliminating people who rage from my life, I pretended everything was okay or made excuses for the other person.

I was fortunate that I was able to resolve that issue with one of the angry people I had in my life - my father. It was about seven years ago and it was life-changing. Over breakfast one day, I told my dad about how growing up with his anger was hard for me because I thought it was all my fault. He had this moment, got teary-eyed and said, "Honey, it wasn't about you!" and I said, "I know that now, dad, but I didn't then." And we cried a little and he and said, "I never knew." And in that space my dad and I had an honest moment about our conflict and took our relationship to a deeper, more healed level. It could not have happened if my dad hadn't been able to recognize his anger issues. And it couldn't have happened if I hadn't been able to let him do that instead of making excuses for his behavior. It was a genuine moment. It was healthy and it changed me; I think it changed him as well. Not that my dad doesn't still get angry. But I no longer make excuses about his anger to justify his behavior. It made it much easier for me to recognize his behavior as his behavior and not make it about me.

It isn't just regarding others where I deny patterns and make excuses. Someone recently said to me, "MK, you have to learn to be able to say what you want and not make excuses for why you aren't getting it." That would mean I would have to be honest with what I need and for me, that is difficult. I want to see the best in people. I want to believe they see in themselves the amazing things I see in them. And while seeing the best in someone is beneficial, there comes a time when seeing that can be a detriment to the reality of a situation. Then I get blindsided by because I am busy making excuses or justifying behavior instead of being honest with myself and the person I am with. Worse, when I finally do stand up and am honest about what I need, it is often too late. The expectation that I will make excuses or 'gloss over' a situation ends up causing too much of a shift and the friendship/relationship/connection ends. Not always, sometimes the other person I am with is equally invested in making a shift and we move forward together with a healthier bond - like my father and I did.

My desire to be healthy in my life, means being honest with myself from the getgo. And that, at least for me, is tremendously difficult. Because whether it is relationships, not eating well, not exercising enough, not working on my novel, etc. making excuses creates a nice curtain to hide behind. Curtains however, don't move me forward in my life. Instead of making excuses, learning to truly forgive myself and let go of anger and resentment towards others is how to make progress toward making better choices. I don't think there is anything wrong with recognizing events that shape a person, but those events aren't an excuse. Those events are exactly that - events. Having a difficult childhood does not excuse someone being mean to me, nor does it justify stuffing my face with ice cream.

I, as most people do, have a Judge that sits in my head and tells me everything I do is wrong, that I am a bad person and if I just could be more perfect, thinner, have a better house, clean my kitchen, etc, I would be a good person. The Judge is a blamer. The Judge is an avoider. The Judge tells me the things that go wrong are all my fault because if I could get it right, everything would be okay. The Judge encourages excuse making. The Judge keeps me from growing and moving forward by encouraging me to make an excuse, or explain away conflict by pointing the finger. By listening to the Judge, I avoid taking responsibility for my own feelings and avoid recognizing that the other person's behavior is a reflection of my own! It isn't about the other person. The other person isn't broken or wrong for being angry or rude or critical. When I recognize my own anger, I own my part in the situation - giving myself the opportunity to change.

And I am the first one to say change can be scary. Change involves work. And change in any relationship involves both people working together. It's so much easier to make an excuse and walk away than do the hard work involved in changing a dynamic. I'm not saying walking away is a bad thing, there are situations in life where walking away is absolutely the right choice. Not everyone is invested in pushing through the hard stuff to move forward. However, if I walk away, or someone else walks away, I need to be honest to myself about the reasons. No more excuses or pointing the finger of blame. Instead, it is time to do the work I need to do to learn from the experience and make difference choices about future connections. I may not understand or agree with another person's choices, but honoring them honors myself.

In the end, I am the one who is making choices. And knowing that, I get to make a choice about how I handle the parts of myself where I struggle. I get to handle what I do with the Judge. I can choose to hold on to connections with people who reflect the angry and critical part of myself, or I can choose to foster relationships that reflect the loving, kind and gracious part of myself. I feel that I am at the point in my life where I can be grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am today and make peace with a truly forgiven past.

From this point on in my life, I recognize I am the one with the anger. I am the one that is so cruelly critical. When I understand that I am the one that needs to be kinder to myself, the Judge loses most of her power over me and moves to the back of my awareness. I can fill my life with people and situations that reflect the healthy, wise, strong and honest person I am. And when I come across the flawed, critical, angry, and frustrated parts of myself, I can honor them, release them and move forward in my life without excuse.

Peace,

MaryKate

That Day... that day...

77/100

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I remember when I was young I loved Valentine's Day. I can't say I love it now, but I feel like I have cycled through a lot of different feelings about love, romance and 'that day' in my life. I recall how, when I was in college I was sure I hated Valentine's Day. On 'VDay' I wore black and screamed my anger at the 'Hallmark' advertisers that forced stupid romance down my throat for a WHOLE month! Oh how I hated the 'holiday'! I raged against it. How I hated the commercialization and I sent the evil eye at all the kissing couples. I rode my high horse, hard.

But at night, when I was alone,  I sat and cried. And I hated myself not the holiday. Hated that I was alone. Hated that every guy I liked always seemed to end up with my room mate. Hated that I was always the 'friend', but not the 'date'. One Valentine's Day? I brought my current crush to my house, we had dinner and watched a movie. It was late and he didn't want to drive so he slept on the couch... until I woke up the next morning and he came out of my roommate's room! AND I MADE THEM PANCAKES. Yep. That was my story.

In my mid twenties, I stopped hating Valentine's Day. Funny how my hatred for this 'BS holiday' seemed to disappear with falling in love. I hoped every single year for a ring. And every single year I got a funny card. Even though I was in a relationship, I was still the 'friend'. In my mid-thirties? I left and started all over again.Without going through my dating, my marriage and my divorce, I came to some sort of peace with this holiday. I realized my anger and frustration may have had some validity, but railing against this holiday wasn't the answer for me.

I had a date this weekend, I sort of wanted it to be a way to celebrate Valentine's Day since I knew we weren't going to be able to see each other again for a while. I really liked this guy and thought maybe there was a future unfolding... We were talking together and he started railing against the upcoming "Valentine's Day" holiday. I listened. He had his reasons for not liking Valentine's Day, and he really got upset talking about rings and spending so much money on blood diamonds and stolen gold. I said that I agreed, although, if I got married some day, I still wanted a ring. It didn't need to be fancy. But I wanted a momento that I could look at during the day and think of the person I was dedicated to being with. Let's just say we didn't see eye to eye on the subject. I appreciated his position. I respected his points. I couldn't really even argue with the points he was making about blood diamonds, and gold taken from land that was stolen. I understood why he would be so frustrated and angry. Some horrible things have been done to people and to the earth in the name of "gold" and "diamonds" and "wealth".

But in the end, I don't hate Valentine's Day anymore. I don't need to do something 'crazy' with it, I don't need flowers (that are jacked up in price) I don't need a fancy dinner, I don't need some 'big display' of diamonds, or gold or anything really. But I have spent my life fighting that I am romantic. I have not wanted to believe that I like sunsets, and magic, and beauty, and desire. I have spent my life NOT letting myself believe in those. Now? I want to believe in those things. Actually, more than 'want to', I do believe in those things. I want to be with someone who also believes in love and romance and joy and magic. I could live with someone not liking Valentine's Day, but anger over romance, is a deal-breaker for me. It's okay not to like all the commercialized trappings, but in many ways, I do like some of those things... and if I am going to spend my life with someone? I want to spend it with someone who can respect and share a connection to romance. Being romantic doesn't mean a $15k ring, or expensive house or any of that. But I do want to be with someone who wants to talk about rings together. Who wants to design them together so that they represent a shared connection that means something to both of us. I want to be with someone who thinks that there is something beautiful about love and romance... I asked a friend of mine what he and his wife were doing for Valentine's Day. He said, "We don't celebrate it on Feb. 14th. We think that date is expensive and stupid. We celebrate it on the first day of Spring, that was our first date."

I thought that was such a lovely answer.

So Valentine's Day, I don't "love" you. I recognize that really you are an overpriced, hyped, commercialized excuse for those who have someone to recognize them and those who don't to wish they did, but the 'idea' of you... the idea of romance, of love, of connection, of joy... well.. I think it is healthy to celebrate that every day...

Peace,

MaryKate

Job Opening (due to recent retirement): She-Ra Champion of the High Road 

25/100

To forgive or not to forgive, that is what I struggle with. Lately, I feel more and more like I am clinging to the high road with bloodied fingernails. Everything that I have learned implies it is essential to take the high road. To rise above and to forgive. However, a very small (albeit powerful) dark part of myself just wants to tear out eyeballs...

and step on them.

Weirdly? I think I want to tear out mine.

I've tried taking deep breaths because breathing deeply is supposed to fix this sort of thing.

It helps

until I breathe out again.

Sometimes, I feel like I have my feet solidly on the high road. Heck, I've got a roadmap helping others along. I'm a walking freaking billboard of "I've got it all figured out - ness." I'm beyond mere mortal. I'm She-Ra, Champion of the High Road.

There is a saying in 12 step programs - 'fake it until you make it'. In this case? That's just about the worst advice I could possibly take. Because until I truly deal with why I feel like I am barely holding on to the high road in the first place, it's worse than simply bad advice. It's a baldfaced lie I'm telling to myself. Every time I force myself to say, "Hey, all is forgiven, all is peace. All is good. I am just a 'being of Love' and I want everyone to be happy." I dig myself into the lie all the deeper. And really, if just typing those words makes me want to throw up? There's a good chance chanting to myself that "I'm okay, you're okay" isn't a solution.

I grew up in a house where we were supposed to pretend bad things didn't happen. We ignored the elephant in the middle of the living room. We looked the other way and hid every uncomfortable feeling before anyone saw us *not* being perfect. We never admitted to feeling betrayed or abandoned or pushed aside. We didn't discuss feelings of worthlessness or shame. Those concepts? Those dark places? Were hung on the elephant like so many bells and decorations. And even as that elephant grew, we just learned to dance around it more skillfully.

I'm not feeling skillful or graceful now. And part of my issue is that my inability to maintain a peaceful existence on the high road is because I have a lifetime of forcing myself to walk there all 'noble' without ever examining  the foundation of the road. I'm pretty sure that high road is built on elephant dung.

So, hey, right now? I can't quite manage the high road in a few situations in my life. I'm not going to throw mud and I am not going to sink down into the muck. In general, I'm a relatively upbeat and positive person. However, I'm giving myself permission to give my fingernails a rest. I might just have to drop off the high road and try that 'middle' path I've heard so much about.

I wonder if by walking that middle path for a while and truly recognizing when I feel abandoned, hurt, unappreciated and frustrated, I can learn to navigate those emotions more successfully. I have a feeling that middle ground I've heard about so often just might be the true high road. Not the 'high road' where I sacrifice who I am and what my needs are in order to keep the peace and keep everyone happy, nor the low road where I just rail against those who done me wrong (like a good country song), but the middle road created by taking care of myself and being honest about how I am feeling.

I guess it isn't about the high, middle or low road at all. Maybe what I am learning is how to take the 'healthy' road. (which doesn't make a nearly as good country song...:)

Peace,

MaryKate

Anger Ain't the Enemy...

13/100

I find myself having to deal with some of my anger issues lately. I see it as sure sign that I am living a more healthy life.

I grew up in a household with a lot of anger. A lot of raging, actually. Unpredictable raging. Once the raging was over? Everyone pretended it never happened. Anger? Was BAD. Anger made me want to hide in closets or under the bed. Anger felt wild and I couldn't find safety in a world where uncontrolled anger could catch me when I wasn't looking. I never processed the difference between anger and rage. To me? They were the same thing.

When I first went to college I was sure that anger was an unproductive emotional response and I spent a great deal of time explaining to people (in my 'I know it all' college age way) that anger wasn't necessary and that the more 'elevated' your 'soul' was, the less you got angry. The 'new agey' people I was hanging around with constantly stressed how important it was to be an 'old soul' and how 'old souls' were so 'above' common emotions like anger'. Old souls were all 'love' and 'peaceful' and happy. I wasn't an 'old' soul if I felt anger, therefore, no anger from this girl. No sir, no way.

Not processing anger has left me with a great deal of pent up anger. I think in general, we as a society haven't learned to deal with anger. Lashing out at the idiot that cut me off in traffic? A general way of venting enough anger to keep the kettle boiling, but not overflowing.

Especially in relationships (both casual and 'partners'), I've found myself unwilling to get angry. Hey, patience is the sign of an evolved person, so I just. needed. to. be. patient. Which of course left me feeling bitter, resentful and usually? I just ate about it.

But lately I've been looking at things that make me angry. Looking back on past relationships I can see that not being willing to be angry caused me to spiral out of control on the inside. Calm and in control on the outside? Check. A furious, spiraling mess on the inside? Absolutely. 

I see so much rage around me, Liberals vs. Conservatives. Fox new lovers vs. Msnbc lovers. The Right vs. The Left. Rage against the Muslims. This rage isn't productive. I think working on our anger issues is responsible, understanding our fear is essential. But as long as we let tv/radio personalities drive us to rage? We've stopped thinking and are acting from a place of fear. Acting out of fear seldom produces sustainable outcomes that nurture us and make us healthy.

I'm practicing remembering to breathe. I'm learning to honor the anger I am feeling and then direct it where it belongs; being emotionally responsible means not vomiting emotions all over the people I love. I still believe forgiveness is an important way to process anger, but jumping to forgiveness without giving the anger due process? Isn't true forgiveness, it's actually rather condescending. 

I won't lie. Anger still scares me. I still want to run and hide under the bed like a frightened eight year old when someone around me screams or shouts profanity. I'd like to say I've mastered 'anger'. But I'm not sure that is something that will ever happen for me... and I'm not sure I want to 'master' anger. That sounds too dangerously close to 'being perfect' to me.

I am understanding that being angry and raging are two different things. Raging only leaves the people around you scared. Anger and rage are not the same things and being angry? Can be motivating, head clearing and sometimes the only way to reach self honesty. I got angry that I couldn't go on those rides at Cedar Point. I didn't get angry at the policies of Cedar Point, that isn't where my anger was really coming from. My anger came from feeling fat and knowing I needed to do something about it. I didn't remain angry, I used that initial anger to motivate myself to make some serious changes in my life. Staying angry isn't healthy, but accepting anger and working through it is helping me move to a new, healthy place in my life - it's being an adult not a frightened child. It isn't easy to work through anger, but I do believe it is essential to achieving a space where I am centered, present and the only way I know how to get and stay healthy. So much sickness and disease comes from not processing anger, fear and sorrow.

Peace,

MaryKate