Forgiveness - Then and Now

Forgiveness  Excuses

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In my life, I have often said that it is easy for me to forgive - sometimes it might take a while, but I find in time I make peace with the people and events of my past. But as I strive to live a more authentic life where I am more honest with myself and those around me (even at the cost of relationships) I see now that what I thought was forgiveness, in actuality, wasn't.

In truth, I forgive less and make excuses more. I find it easy to make a truckload of excuses for myself and others:

• He had a hard childhood, that's why he is so angry
• She was in a bad marriage and didn't know she was pushing me away
• His mother was a narcissist and he was never nurtured, therefore he doesn't know how to nurture
• She's a good person in her heart. She didn't mean to be so disrespectful
• His pattern is to run away when things get difficult, because that is what his father did
• If I had just remembered to do XXX he wouldn't have gotten so upset
• If I just try harder and give more, things will be okay
• This person needs me to love him/her and it's okay to be the one in this relationship/friendship doing most of the emotional nurturing and giving

It is one thing to recognize the struggles and situations from the past and acknowledge how those influence who I am and others are now. It is entirely another situation to use that knowledge to make an excuse about the situation. Making excuses for others is NOT forgiveness. In some ways, it is exactly the opposite.

Making an excuse for someone else or myself is letting ME off the hook. It is not loving myself enough to be honest with the other person or with me about what I am feeling, therefore denying my own needs within a relationship. A good example in my life is how I deal with anger and rage. Someone who rages, scares me. I feel unsafe. But instead of looking at that and eliminating people who rage from my life, I pretended everything was okay or made excuses for the other person.

I was fortunate that I was able to resolve that issue with one of the angry people I had in my life - my father. It was about seven years ago and it was life-changing. Over breakfast one day, I told my dad about how growing up with his anger was hard for me because I thought it was all my fault. He had this moment, got teary-eyed and said, "Honey, it wasn't about you!" and I said, "I know that now, dad, but I didn't then." And we cried a little and he and said, "I never knew." And in that space my dad and I had an honest moment about our conflict and took our relationship to a deeper, more healed level. It could not have happened if my dad hadn't been able to recognize his anger issues. And it couldn't have happened if I hadn't been able to let him do that instead of making excuses for his behavior. It was a genuine moment. It was healthy and it changed me; I think it changed him as well. Not that my dad doesn't still get angry. But I no longer make excuses about his anger to justify his behavior. It made it much easier for me to recognize his behavior as his behavior and not make it about me.

It isn't just regarding others where I deny patterns and make excuses. Someone recently said to me, "MK, you have to learn to be able to say what you want and not make excuses for why you aren't getting it." That would mean I would have to be honest with what I need and for me, that is difficult. I want to see the best in people. I want to believe they see in themselves the amazing things I see in them. And while seeing the best in someone is beneficial, there comes a time when seeing that can be a detriment to the reality of a situation. Then I get blindsided by because I am busy making excuses or justifying behavior instead of being honest with myself and the person I am with. Worse, when I finally do stand up and am honest about what I need, it is often too late. The expectation that I will make excuses or 'gloss over' a situation ends up causing too much of a shift and the friendship/relationship/connection ends. Not always, sometimes the other person I am with is equally invested in making a shift and we move forward together with a healthier bond - like my father and I did.

My desire to be healthy in my life, means being honest with myself from the getgo. And that, at least for me, is tremendously difficult. Because whether it is relationships, not eating well, not exercising enough, not working on my novel, etc. making excuses creates a nice curtain to hide behind. Curtains however, don't move me forward in my life. Instead of making excuses, learning to truly forgive myself and let go of anger and resentment towards others is how to make progress toward making better choices. I don't think there is anything wrong with recognizing events that shape a person, but those events aren't an excuse. Those events are exactly that - events. Having a difficult childhood does not excuse someone being mean to me, nor does it justify stuffing my face with ice cream.

I, as most people do, have a Judge that sits in my head and tells me everything I do is wrong, that I am a bad person and if I just could be more perfect, thinner, have a better house, clean my kitchen, etc, I would be a good person. The Judge is a blamer. The Judge is an avoider. The Judge tells me the things that go wrong are all my fault because if I could get it right, everything would be okay. The Judge encourages excuse making. The Judge keeps me from growing and moving forward by encouraging me to make an excuse, or explain away conflict by pointing the finger. By listening to the Judge, I avoid taking responsibility for my own feelings and avoid recognizing that the other person's behavior is a reflection of my own! It isn't about the other person. The other person isn't broken or wrong for being angry or rude or critical. When I recognize my own anger, I own my part in the situation - giving myself the opportunity to change.

And I am the first one to say change can be scary. Change involves work. And change in any relationship involves both people working together. It's so much easier to make an excuse and walk away than do the hard work involved in changing a dynamic. I'm not saying walking away is a bad thing, there are situations in life where walking away is absolutely the right choice. Not everyone is invested in pushing through the hard stuff to move forward. However, if I walk away, or someone else walks away, I need to be honest to myself about the reasons. No more excuses or pointing the finger of blame. Instead, it is time to do the work I need to do to learn from the experience and make difference choices about future connections. I may not understand or agree with another person's choices, but honoring them honors myself.

In the end, I am the one who is making choices. And knowing that, I get to make a choice about how I handle the parts of myself where I struggle. I get to handle what I do with the Judge. I can choose to hold on to connections with people who reflect the angry and critical part of myself, or I can choose to foster relationships that reflect the loving, kind and gracious part of myself. I feel that I am at the point in my life where I can be grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am today and make peace with a truly forgiven past.

From this point on in my life, I recognize I am the one with the anger. I am the one that is so cruelly critical. When I understand that I am the one that needs to be kinder to myself, the Judge loses most of her power over me and moves to the back of my awareness. I can fill my life with people and situations that reflect the healthy, wise, strong and honest person I am. And when I come across the flawed, critical, angry, and frustrated parts of myself, I can honor them, release them and move forward in my life without excuse.

Peace,

MaryKate