Bikini Babe?

135

I've just come inside from trimming the rosemary bush next to my front door. I also tried to use the same hedge trimmer to trim the weeds around my fence - you know, the wrong tool for the job.

And I did this yard trimming... in my bikini top and shorts.

And my biggest concern was the short battery life on my little trimmer and how I don't have a rake to rake up the rosemary.

My neighbor came home on his bike - his name is Gary. He's a university professor who teaches early middle eastern literature. I enjoy our chats. We talked for a while about how I need a REAL weed trimmer and not some hedge trimmer that isn't designed for what I tried to force it to do. Gary and his wife have the most beautiful yard. They never say anything to me about how mine is, um, lacking in tidiness. We get along really well and it is one of the reasons I like where I live.

I do have pink flamingos in the front yard though, so there's that.

Yet, there I stood in my front yard in a bikini and not once did I think - OMG I'm in a bikini, he can't see me in a bikini I'm sooooo fat. Honestly, I'm a size 18 on a good day.

I didn't care. I've been wearing my bikini on the back porch to sunbathe and mow my back yard, but haven't ventured out into the front yard yet. I mean CARS drove by while I worked in the front yard. And I was in a bikini. And you know... I didn't really think about it. I just worked on my lawn.

I've come a long way from the fat girl ashamed of herself and her body. I know there are some larger women who are so angry and think things like,  "Screw you all if you don't like how I look." But that's not me. I'm not an angry person by nature. There are no demands on anyone - you don't have to like how I look in a bikini or you can like how I look in a bikini. That isn't really my issue anymore. Would I wear this to a public pool? I don't know, maybe. I don't particularly want to attract attention, nor do I want to avoid it. I kind of just want to weed my front yard and get some sun.

Here is a pic. Not a great pic because I have been working in my yard. But an unedited pic none-the-less.

I'm still a long way from being happy with how much I weigh - but no longer because I hate my body. More because there are so many things I want to do and my weight prevents me from doing them. So I keep on the journey. I've been stuck at the same weight for four months now. At least I haven't put more weight on and even though my weight hasn't changed my body has. So I don't get upset, I keep taking care of myself and eating well (or trying to) and exercising (more of that this summer for sure). 

I am done with having people in my life who spend their time telling me all my faults and how if I would just do 'this': lose weight, talk more, talk less, be more friendly, be less friendly, be more spiritual, be less spiritual, write more, write less, sing more, sing less, don't think so much, tell better stories, be more grateful, be more kind, be nice, be less messy, be more respectful, be less demanding, be less serious, be less self-absorbed and solipsistic (I actually had to look that word up when my ex called me that - thus the 'ex')... the list goes on and on. But always with the idea that if I would just follow these helpful suggestions, I would be more desirable. I'm done letting criticism push me down - it makes the work of being happy in my own skin so much harder. 

Criticism is the wrong tool for the job. Criticism, void of compassion, is empty and destructive. 

I don't need anyone to tell me how to be. I'm not perfect, however,  I'm desirable just the way I am.

I'm done having people in my life that reflect back to me my own critical nature. Lately, I'm spending time with people who are kind to me and at the same time honest when I ask for input. I have some events going on in my life that have made me nervous and anxious. And these people around me that appreciate and respect me say things to build my spirit, not tear it down. These people have changed me. They've helped me realize it's time for me to be kinder to myself. If that means wearing a bikini even though I am NOT the typical size of a woman that wears a bikini simply because I want to, so be it - they love me and cheer me on, because that's what people that care and respect you do.

I love who I am and how I am in this world. I love that I see the world as a beautiful place, even when the people here do some ugly things. I love how I treasure every moment I have here.

I love how I see the best in people - even when they don't see the best in themselves; it's high time I do the same for myself.

peace and love,

MaryKate

Finding peace with uncomfortable
121

I spent two hours last night, after my daughter went to sleep, sitting outside. I bundled up in my favorite robe, in my favorite lawn chair, with my toes tucked under me, and looked at the stars. I found myself pondering something uncomfortable - being 46 and single again. I had no self-recriminations or anger. Just sat with my thoughts. For much of the time, I honored my past and the relationships I have had. I thought about kissing my first love in the rain by a river in Ohio, and wishing the moment would never end. I thought about the person that offered me an intense love I knew I could never return. I remembered the handsome,  6'7" Cowboy that bundled up with me in a blue velour blanket on the roof when I lived in that crazy shack on the Puget Sound. How, on a night in August all those years ago, he held my hand under the stars, taught me the difference between satellites and airplanes and listened when I said shooting stars were magical. I thought about the one I married and how pretty I felt on my wedding day and how wonderful it felt to have the people I loved smiling and happy around me. I thought about the one I slow danced with in my living room as I sang a Celine Dion song to handsome, healing eyes. I thought about that time in Mexico when I laughed over winning at cribbage, drank Dirty Monkeys, and felt such joy in another's smile while listening to ocean waves crash onto the beach.  I didn't hold tightly onto any of the people or memories, just let them pass through and followed them as each led to the next and warmed my heart.

It was nice to look at the more pleasant moments of those relationships. I also looked at the not-so-wonderful moments in those relationships. The uncomfortable moments of anger, betrayal, unmet expectations, rejection, dismissal, and abandonment. I thought about belongings left in boxes and bags and loose ends that will never be tied nicely into bows. It was difficult, but I welcomed those painful feelings and acknowledged them, then let them move through me. While those feelings and experiences are honest reflections of my heart and my path, holding on to them would keep me stuck in the past.

This time of reflection in my life has been important. Ending relationships can be messy and complicated and uncomfortable. The untangling of hopes and dreams and re-establishing identity takes time and patience. Especially now that it isn't just my heart I am concerned with - having a child adds a whole new dimension to who I am as a person and my responsibilities as a role model and parent. It's changed how I see the world and my place in it.

Right now, my world certainly feels uncomfortable. Taking the time to sit in my uncomfortableness is part of growing up. Too often, I have rushed through events that are uncomfortable because... well... they're uncomfortable damn it! Things feel unresolved and unstable. I don't like sitting in the unknowing and I really want to understand it all right now! Learning to sit in the space of unsettled is hard, but I am determined not to push it away.

In the past, I have eaten to escape feeling uncomfortable. I have had a drink to avoid feeling uncomfortable. I have rushed to find someone new to bypass feeling uncomfortable. I have tried to fill the space of uncomfortable with distraction - be it in whatever form that may have taken. Not this time. This time, as much as it is possible, I am staying present with this anxious, edgy space. In the past, I have struggled with discomfort, and it is nice to see that I am making progress in how I manage it for myself.

I am using this time to explore the beautiful and the not so beautiful parts of me. I am embracing my strength, power, beauty, joy, sorrow, selfishness, curiosity, compassion and grace to move to the next step on my journey. Not eating to find an escape for my anxiety is hard, but moving through this process forges a deeper and truer connection with my Self - it is affirming and empowering. Being centered in uncomfortable is sacred.

I grew up in a family of enablers and I learned that role exceptionally well. I learned early how to give myself up in a relationship. What I am learning now, is how to honor myself no matter my relationship status. It means finding some peace with people and events from my past that I can't change. Richard Bach, in his book Illusions, says:

You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self. Don't turn away from possible futures before you're certain you don't have anything to learn from them. You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past.

I'm not sure I can choose a different past, but I do believe I can change how I perceive my past and heal the parts that have left me seeking someone else to fill some imagined lacking in my life.

Knowing who I am and working on filling my own emotional needs means I can walk away from co-dependent, enabling relationships where I seek someone else to make me feel good enough, smart enough, and worthwhile enough to finally earn love and approval - I'll already have my own! I read recently that you enter relationships with someone who likes you just a little more than you like yourself. And while it isn't that I don't like myself, I'm taking the time to truly feel this space of being uncomfortable in order to reacquaint myself with the parts of me I have avoided. And it isn't just the parts of myself I don't like that I have avoided, I have avoided the parts of myself I do like. No one forced me do that - to give up the parts of me I liked. It is a pattern of behavior I learned. And it worked for me - until it didn't. It is time for me to learn a new way of being in relationship with myself and making choices that honor the relationship I am building with who I am, just as I am. I am not perfect, nor do I want to be, but the more I like who I am, the more I will attract people into my life that like who they are as well.

I learned the term radical acceptance last week. From the article:

Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.

I appreciate those of you that have listened to me, talked with me, read my words, walked with me, learned with me, shared with me, laughed and cried with me recently. I also appreciate those who have left my life to walk their own path in a different direction - I am grateful for the time shared and the experiences that have brought me to where I am today.

Right now, learning to be in the space of uncomfortable isn't easy. But by staying present with the struggle and not running to food or some other distraction means I am honoring my goals of living a healthier, more present life. It means instead of pursuing the false 'comfort' I once found in food, I am free to pursue things in my life that bring me true happiness.

And that is worth the struggle.



Peace,

MaryKate

Complacency vs Courage

116

You know that old story about having two wolves inside - one good and one evil? And the grandfather tells his grandson that the two wolves fight all the time? In the myth, the grandson asks which one wins. And the grandfather says, 'the one you feed'. The myth is supposed to be Native American but is actually a story Billy Graham told to promote good vs. evil. Well, that story is in my head today.

Moving beyond the murky and very questionable origins of the story and the concept of good vs. evil, I'm struggling with the concepts of choice today and the profound implications of making changes in my life.

I saw this quote today:


Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made. If you want a different result, make a different choice.


I don't know who to attribute that quote to, but it resonates with where my life is at the moment.


I am trying to make choices in a more mindful way. I am constantly amazed at how difficult that can be. How scary it is at times to choose something out of my comfort zone. For me, my two wolves aren't evil and good, that is too black and white. For me, my two wolves are complacency and courage.
Making a choice to listen to my heart takes courage. It takes courage to eat the healthy dinner not the comfortable one. Those two wolves fight inside of me all the time. It is easy to 'rest' in anger, or be complacent in habits that only give the illusion of comfort.

But the courage it takes to make those harder choices is sometimes out of my reach.

I want to honor myself. I want to honor the emotional, physical and spiritual core of who I am. And each choice I make allows me to feed one of my two wolves - courage or complacency.

Someone I love told me about the 4 levels of competence.

As an example, in my childhood I learned that love was earned. It was not freely given, it was something I only deserved if I worked for it. If I just did enough, if I just gave enough, if I just tried hard enough, I would earn it. If I was struggling - I just needed to give MORE. That would fix it. In a very unconscious way, I meandered through life - consistently disappointed I could not do enough to earn love. In general, I didn't get angry or blame others when things didn't work out, I got angry at myself, but didn't see the pattern in my choices. When I met Candace, she taught me that in friendship, love wasn't earned - it was shared. It was freely given - even when it hurt, even when it seemed too hard, it wasn't taken away when things got difficult. It didn't depend on me being 'good enough'. Love was love. I moved from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence over time - weeding out friendships and people in my life that demanded more from me than I was capable of giving. It was a slow process, but over time I realized what friendship meant. Candace taught me and for that I will be forever grateful.

But the reality is, that simply because I know how to make different choices in ONE piece of my life, doesn't mean it applies to others. Without realizing it, that pattern of trying to earn love continued in my life. Not in my friendships, but in other areas.

I find myself having to relearn that lesson all over again. That is how powerful complacency is. Change is hard work. It is continual. And it is easy to feed complacency. Complacency gives me a sense of comfort - even as its corruption eats away at my foundation.

Letting go of anger, letting go of fear, letting go of childhood patterns is hard. Those patterns were developed for a reason. They protected the heart.

I took a risk this week to shift a pattern in my life. I stepped out of complacency. It was scary. It was incredibly hard. I tried to do it with courage and grace, but I'm not sure I managed that. And I do not know what the outcome will be. Because when you make a change, you are not the only one involved in it. Patterns developed with others also have to evolve. Sometimes you come to a whole new level of connectedness. And sometimes that isn't possible.

So I'm tackling moving from complacency to change. I am making the choice to live my life in a more mindful way.

I am working hard to feed the wolf of change.

I'm working to choose courage.

One bite at a time.

MaryKate

'Scheherazade Revisited' or '1001 tales about my life'...
103

I've probably tried to lose weight a thousand times – Like Scheherazade there are easily 1000 tales of my determination to conquer my weight issues. That is not hyperbole. I've tried, and honestly? I set down my pen. I gave up on that story in my life. Instead, I wrote about learning to be content with my body and my life. Even when I started this blog, it wasn't about 'losing weight' it was about getting healthy. I was afraid of failing again, of dusting off that old manuscript and writing yet another chapter on how "This time I am REALLY going to do it!"(no… really, I am) and then having to face not only a private failure but a public one. I just didn't have it in me to even try.  

It was after this summer that things changed for me. I don't remember making a conscious decision to try again to write that tale. I don't remember some big ‘ah-ha!’ event this time where I went back to that well-worn story with no resolute conclusion and got out my quill and ink. There was no fanfare, no big announcement about 'I'm losing weight!"  I just noticed I had a different relationship with food. This summer I had a sense of renewal in my life - a new perspective that also seemed to apply to my relationship with food.

What I didn't realize, was that while I stumbled to try again to write my tale of life, the Universe was already writing the tale with much more flare and delight than even I could conceive.

I expected to write the tale about once again trying to lose weight, alone. I thought it would be a tale of sharing how, on my own, I finally conquered my lifelong goal of losing weight.

I did not expect to find someone to share this experience with.

Funny thing how the Universe works, because for the last 30 years I have tried to do it "on my own". I thought I could "conquer" my weight issues by myself. Even as I deeply desired someone to love me for who I was and someone who wanted to make those changes with me, I felt like my weight issues were something I could ‘control on my own'. I didn't need anyone's help.

Thinking back on it, the most successful attempt before this at losing weight was when I lived with my sister. We were a team and worked hard to lose weight together. The connectedness and the teamwork between her and I made all the difference.

I only stopped when I freaked out in the dressing room.

Soon after that moment, I moved out from my sister’s apartment. I kept up with taking better care of myself for a while, but then slid back into my unhealthy relationship with food. Patterns and habits are so hard to break.

Then this summer. And that moment in the parking lot when I grokked* what it meant in my life to surrender – that moment when I stopped trying to tell the Universe what to do and how to do it, when I stopped trying to control everything and everyone in my life. That moment when I realized I was done trying so hard to force the world to my will. The moment I let go and realized control was an illusion and fighting for it was exhausting.

As my relationship to myself shifted so did the relationship I had to food. I realized that if I couldn’t control the things around me, I could control how I reacted to the things around me. One of which, was how I reacted to food. Once I understood that no one could ‘make’ me feel safe, I knew that I could take care of myself. It felt empowering. It felt satisfying. And I stopped running to food to comfort me and found better ways of comforting myself. I also realized I could better love someone because I didn’t need anyone.

I stopped trying to write my story and realized it was time to allow the Universe to work some magic and write the novel of my life for a while.  

Not long after I stopped expecting anything, when I realized I didn’t ‘need’ anything is when I found something. Or... someone. 

Unexpected, but not unwelcome. 

I'm fortunate to have met someone supportive. Someone with the same goals. Someone who's emotionally healthy and who desires to be physically healthy as well. I'm not going to write a lot here about the relationship. It is what it is and this blog isn't about another person, it's about me. But having someone to share the journey has been a wonderful bonus in my efforts to take better care of my health. While I know I can do it on my own, it is so rewarding to know I don’t have to.

I look at the scale and realize there are 30 pounds less of me since I started paying attention around the end of August. It is partly Weight Watchers, although honestly? I've done WW no less than six times. I think it has to do with a different outlook on my part, and having a partner who wants for himself the same things I want for myself. Sharing meals and the experience - the ability to talk about struggles with success and failures has been a great way to build a strong foundation on many levels.

Last weekend, I went through my closet and found things I had long ago put in bags for Value Village because they didn't fit. As I tried them on, I realized not only did some of them fit, but some of them were too big for me! I started dancing around the room, liking what I was seeing and feeling.

Turns out? Underneath all my weight, I'm hourglass shaped. Go me! *laughter* Granted, at the moment, it is a rather large hourglass but when I tried on the silver silk dress I couldn't even get past my chest two months ago and saw that even though it is tight, it fits – I could see the shape my body is moving towards. And it felt good.

Really, really good.

I have a long way to go, but to paraphrase the Tao, ‘the journey of a thousand stories starts with the first word’.

I am invested in being as healthy as I know how to be. I've done all the mental thinking about it I can do. There comes a time to act. There comes a time to ‘do’. Now? I am acting. I am doing. I count myself fortunate not to have to do it alone. My newfound strength to make better choices isn't dependent on someone else, it is enhanced.

I'm not gonna lie – sharing this experience is way better than trying to do it on my own. So hey, thanks Universe for knowing what I needed, even before I did!

By this time next year, I suspect I'll be pretty close to my goal. I know it won't be easy, and I have a LOT more weight to let go of - but when I tried on those clothes that were too small for me just two months ago? I knew I was on the right path.

Perhaps I finally understand that I'm not just letting go of trying to control the world, but letting go of the physical barrier that kept me apart from the world – and from living an emotionally, spiritually, physically healthy life.

Peace,

MaryKate

* grok·ked, grok·king, groks Slang. To understand profoundly through intuition or empathy.

Well, who is that lovely lady?


93/100

Today one of my students who is all of 18 asked me if I had any idea what it was to know someone who could finish my sentences. Who understood me in a way no other person had ever understood me. If I knew what it was to be so in-love with someone you felt your soul open up. And to know it is someone you can’t have. Someone who can’t return what it is you offer. Someone you loved so deeply and so desperately that life without that person seems empty and barren.  I told him I knew that feeling, yes. I knew the feeling of loving someone and realizing it is unattainable. And? I told him that truly being in-love is reciprocated. Truly feeling that amazing feeling of belonging, of connection, of love is something that comes from two people, not one.

But I'm wondering now if that is true. If maybe, in order to be ready for that amazing feeling of belonging between two people, you gotta master it with the only 'one' that matters.


Recently, I have made some deep realizations about my life. And getting to this point hasn't been easy. There have been tears. Lots of them.


But I think I get myself now. Maybe for this round of understanding I've finally made it to the other side of the river. And I can see where I have come a little better from the this side of the rushing water. 


For many of my 43 years on this planet I have been searching for 'the one'. It has driven my life. I felt that if I just found 'the one' and I looked in his eyes? I would see that I am okay. That I am loved. That I am whole. I thought once I looked into his eyes and he thought I was beautiful? *I* would finally feel that way about myself. Once I looked into his and eyes and *he* said I was smart? I'd believe that about myself as well.


Except in my life? That hasn't happened. And in my life? It wasn't going to happen. Not because I haven't or won't fall in-love, but because finding that space to realize I am beautiful and that I am worthy doesn't come from outside myself. It comes from inside. And for most of my life, when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone fat and unattractive. I chose relationships that reflected that back to me. Guys who loved me... but weren't in-love with me. Guys I could pour my heart out to that could not return that sort of affection. Guys who were as emotionally crippled as I was.


I did this, not because I chose bad men. Categorically, the men I have chosen in my life have been good guys. Every one of them. But I chose guys that couldn't dig into problems and be honest with themselves or with me. And I chose men like that because *I* couldn't do that fully with myself. I couldn't look in myself and see that I was worthy of what I needed and wanted in a relationship. That it was *okay* to want and need things within a relationship. That I didn't have to give myself away to be loved. It was naive of me to think that some man was going to take care of those things for me. That some partner was going to 'heal' that need for safety, security and that deep deep need we *all* have to feel loved.


A few weeks ago, I was putting on makeup in my bathroom. And when I was done, I said to myself, "You look so pretty today." As I walked out of the bathroom, I had an OMG! moment. Followed by tears.  I realized I had said that to myself and NOT added "if only you lost 80 pounds", or "on the inside", or "if only you could make that nose smaller" or "if only you didn't have scars on your body" or or or. A lifetime of "or's" and "if only's". And in that moment? I knew I finally got it. I understood what it was not to be waiting for someone ELSE to tell me I was pretty. Or I was special or I was worthy of being loved.


And I realized? I was done looking. Well.. done looking for THAT ONE guy that was 'the one'. I realized I was fully ready to be who I am. Solid in the knowledge that I like me. I'm not going to drag someone to dinner with me, or keep trying to force someone to hang out with me, or continue hanging out with someone that doesn't add something amazing to my life. I may meet a thousand more people before I find a partner I want to be with as an equal. I'm okay with that. I know I will make a lot of friends on the way and? I'll meet some people who are not people I'll keep along the way. And that is okay as well. I do not *have* to like everyone. I can be kind, I can be loving and I can be honest without being cruel.


And if I am 83 and I am not partnered up? I will go dancing with my goddaughter or her children and walk the beaches by myself and think... dang woman! You've lived an incredible life! What an amazing lady you are! 


And I know I'll say this because right now? I finally understand I already am.


Peace,

MaryKate

The Good Daughter

82/100

I'm struggling today with the concept of what it means to be a 'good daughter'. More than anything, I want to do the 'right' thing, although I know that in life, 'right' is purely perspective. I realize my struggle with making choices is often determined by my issues with perfection and with struggling between self care and being selfish.

My dad is going into surgery again today. He didn't do so well last surgery. This surgery is to remove the rest of his thyroid. I flew back to Seattle on Thursday and was just settling back in when dad called me upset on Friday to tell me they found cancer in the tumor they removed last week. I? Felt sort of numb. He told me what the doctor had said and also told me the doctor would be calling on Saturday afternoon to talk to me. After I hung up I called my sister. I couldn't get her on the phone so I started looking up plane tickets. I had planned on flying out on Sunday to be with him for his surgery on Monday (today, actually right now as I write this). Dad told me not to go. He told me he was fine. He told me he didn't think I needed to go when I had just flown home. I didn't care, I felt like the "RIGHT" thing, the "GOOD" thing to do was to be there. Isn't that what a good daughter would do?

I stopped looking for plane tickets for a moment and I sat and looked at my house. It was a disaster (still is actually). All I could think about was how tired I was. I want to state for the record... I am not a very good caretaker. I am a good manager, I am a good  cook. I am very loving, but I am not a very good caretaker. Plus? I hadn't had sleep for almost two weeks. Or spotty sleep at best. The thought of getting on that plane and flying back across the country felt overwhelming. I felt like any capacity I had to be a good caretaker was empty. But not going? Felt horrible. It felt like I was failing as a daughter. I already feel like I am failing for being so far away, now dad was about to face surgery again (after not doing so well after the last surgery) and all I could think about was how much I didn't want to get back on a plane? I kept thinking about all the 'stuff' in my office from the week I wasn't there. All the lesson plans I needed to read through all the progress reports I needed to write. And mostly? I just thought about how exhausted I was. And then? I felt bad for thinking about me. Dad is the one going through surgery. Why should I be feeling bad, what were my issues in the face of dad's upcoming surgery? SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH.

I spoke to my sister a little while later. She and I talked about my wanting to go out to Ohio and her feelings about why it wasn't necessary and why it was okay to be staying here and not flying back. And while I was relieved on many levels I still had that voice in my head that said "A good daughter would be there."

I spoke with dad's doctor Saturday morning. He explained that the surgery should be an easy one and that dad should recover pretty quickly. Assuming his heart and kidneys function okay, he should be home by Thursday of this week. His doctor is wonderful and I already wrote about how I admire and respect him, and the doc said that treatment wasn't difficult and iodine radiation was a two day process - not like chemo or other more drastic forms of cancer treatment, Most thyroid cancer cells retain this ability to absorb and concentrate iodine. This provides a perfect "chemotherapy" strategy. Radioactive Iodine is given to the patient with thyroid cancer after their cancer has been removed. If there are any normal thyroid cells or thyroid cancer cells remain in the patient's body (and any thyroid cancer cells retaining this ability to absorb iodine), then these cells will absorb and concentrate the radioactive "poisonous" iodine. Since all other cells of our bodies cannot absorb the toxic iodine, they are unharmed. The thyroid cancer cells, however, will concentrate the poison within themselves and the radioactivity destroys the cell from within. No sickness. No hair loss. No nausea. No diarrhea. No pain. 

I feel better about the treatment and the prognosis after talking to the doctor, and I feel like getting healthy myself (continuing my triathlon workouts, eating better, etc.) is one of the best things I can do right now... but as I sit in my office during my lunch time, writing this while dad's surgery is taking place, I realize taking care of myself is important... but I still feel bad I am not in Ohio. And I suppose that is just part and parcel for this sort of thing.

I think recognizing my guilt and not denying it, but not letting it run my life is important. It is part of getting healthy. I'm not sure I am doing the 'right' thing by not going to Ohio, but what I know? Is that continuing to see things in a RIGHT vs. WRONG or GOOD daughter vs. BAD daughter duality is not healthy. Life seems to come in shades of grey and as I learn to let go of punishing myself for what I perceive to be 'bad' I am gaining more confidence and self awareness about who I am and letting go of that image of 'perfection' to become the healthy, amazing person everyone but me seems to recognize. *smile*

Peace,
MaryKate

CRISIS!!!

80/100
My fortune today read: "You will be made strong by adversity."

Luckily? For once? I am not in crisis. *whew* I think I have had enough of those over the last two years. I'm ready to relax a bit from crisis mode.

However, someone I love a great deal is in crisis. And I know there is nothing I can really do to help. Being in the midst of crisis makes it difficult to see the world outside of the crisis. And as much as it can seem like it, crisis isn't the end of the world. It's from my moments of crisis, I have tested my mettle. Although it is often an 'end' that brings on a crisis, crisis can also be the crucible for a new beginning.

Crisis presents itself in my life as an opportunity for me to grow, to conquer fears, to push on. I hit that point in a situation where I am forced to make choice. Sometimes? I stay or I go, I choose to love or to leave, I break or I bend... but I go forward. Luckily, I have never broken. I remember in one particularly poignant crisis I thought I was broken. I was in my mid twenties and got a phone call that crushed me. I remember I curled up under the kitchen table at my parents house and started crying... well... sobbing is more accurate. My mother was still alive at the time. My poor father was beside himself. I could hear him in the living room - although it sounded to me like he was speaking to mom through layers and layers of water. He said to my mom, "Wanda, what do we do?" and my mom was silent for a moment and I remember hearing her say, "We let her cry, Bob. Just let her be." It was one of those times, when only a mother really understands. And I loved my mom for that moment. And I did stay under that table until I felt cried out. But? As much as I thought I was broken, that my spirit was crushed? Turned out, it wasn't. And not only did I survive, but I realized I was grateful for the experience because I *knew* I had the capacity to love. Deeply. It may not have worked out the way that I hoped, but even in that moment when I felt so completely crushed? I wasn't broken.

I think that is part of what happens when I go into crisis. I find myself questioning my very core. But the key to surviving and emerging stronger from the situation, is learning to own what part of the crisis I am responsible for, and what part of the crisis I am NOT responsible for. For so long? When I was in crisis? I was sure it was ALL my fault. I had f*ed up. I had made stupid choices. I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, compassionate enough, kind enough, courageous enough... It was all me. But with each crisis in my life that I have navigated through? I have realized I *am* enough. I am all those 'enoughs'. Often crisis involved more than just me. But to navigate a crisis together, both people have to be willing to look at their share of the crisis. Both people have to be able to say, "Okay... I can own my share of this situation." And if it is a crisis of faith? Well, I don't suppose I can expect "God" to own any share of my crisis, but I can look inside and seek my own understanding of my faith and how I see the world and God usually has very little to do with a crisis of faith. Those usually have much more human hands and beliefs clouding my connection...

And a word about prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. It isn't essential for anyone to agree with me. But my experience has shown me that there is something powerful about prayer when I am in crisis. However, I have learned not to pray for the outcome *I* think should happen. I suppose that is partly what 'faith' is... to make the best decision I know how to make in the situation and then have to courage to face the outcome of my crisis - whatever that may be. My father is about to go into neck surgery in two weeks. It makes me nervous. But I don't get to tell God what *is* going to happen. I can however, ask God for the strength to get through what *does* happen. And I don't think there is a thing wrong with hoping that everything goes smoothly and easily with a minimal amount of suffering possible.

In the end? Crisis sucks. The experience is painful, feels overwhelming and leads to feelings of desperation and at times, self derision. But I have found that each crisis I have had to navigate through, I have come out the other side a stronger, more loving, compassionate person. Crisis reminds me I am alive. It isn't by any means 'fun' and it can take months... even years to fully emerge from crisis, but in the end? The crises in my life have unquestionably been a benefit to my growth as a human being.

I think it is healthy to be humbled by crisis. It is healthy when I am reminded I don't have the answers. It seems that when I finally let go of trying to control my crisis and accept that I don't have the answers? I find them.

Peace,

MaryKate

The dog ate it... 
Ok
Wait, you don't have a dog!

72/100

Deep breath. Hi, my name is MaryKate and I lie. Or. Well. I used to. All the time. I'd like to say that I am above all that now and I only tell the truth. But. Well. That would, you know, be a lie.

In my life, lying made me feel like I had some sort of control. If I lied, surely the lie was a much better excuse than "I forgot" or "I'm irresponsible". Plus, lying made me think I looked so much better. I felt that if I lied, people wouldn't know I was really a screw up and not worth loving.

Seriously. That is how I lived most of my life. Well into my 30s, I thought lying was the best way to handle conflict. But even when I lied and justified it to myself? I knew I was lying.

I can remember, when I started to work on being a person with integrity, that I started to acknowledge when I lied. I always *knew* I was lying and started to recognize that situation in my life. It started with no lying to myself. I'm a work in progress I suppose. It is amazing how often in the day it would be easy to lie, but through diligence I have reached a point where I feel like I live in my integrity.

I think, in general, people don't take responsibility for their own actions. Perfect example is something that happened to me a while ago when I went to Safeway. I parked, ran in to the store, got some juice and other sundry items and headed back out to my car. I loaded the back of my car and realized that the SUV parked next to me was *really* close. So close in fact, that I could not get IN to my car. Now, I drive a Saturn Vue, so it isn't that my car is small or anything, but I was parked perfectly between the lines. The woman who owned the Ford Explorer next to mine finally arrived and started unloading her groceries. I came out from between the two cars and said, "You parked pretty close to my car" She replied in a snippy tone, "Well YOU... (she then proceeded to look and see that *I* was parked well within the lines and SHE was not)she stammered, then went on, "Well you just don't understand how difficult it is in these parking lots with the small lines. It's just ridiculous, I have a Ford Explorer and it is very difficult with these small spaces! Really, the people who make these lines should make them wider apart, the person next to me was very close I didn't have a choice... blahblah blah". It was EVERYONE's fault but hers. SHE parked poorly and there was no one parked next to her. 

Actually, all I wanted her to say was, "Oh my gosh! I'm sorry. I will load up my groceries and move my car ASAP." I would have smiled and said, "No problem, it happens" and life would have gone on... but the more she blamed everyone else, the more she stammered on about how it wasn't her fault... the more angry I became. Lady? Just own your stuff!

I am not innocent of being disrespectful - I struggle with my own type A personality issues. I sometimes speed ahead and don't let in cars that have tried to move to the front of the line and bully their way in... I could just relax and let them in, but I think "you are no more special than I am" and then I end up being an idiot and almost causing an accident because I won't let them in... so I own that I am not perfectly innocent nor am I perfect, but for the most part? I own my stuff. 


It's part of living an authentic, healthy life. Lying and not owning one's own responsibility is something I see in so many of the kids I work with. This inability to own responsibility for something they have (or in the case of homework) haven't done. I understand the fear that the 'adult' in the situation (me as their teacher) will be disappointed. I understand how scary it can be to own up to your stuff and not lie about it... and I try to have patience with the process of growing up and finding one's own authenticity. But it still frustrates me and I wonder if it is my responsibility to call them on it... is it my job to say, "Enough!"... I don't know. To accuse someone of lying is a touchy thing. Especially without any proof. With just that gut feeling that the person I am talking to isn't being truthful. 


In the end, if I care about you, if we consider ourselves friends, I ask you to be honest with me. I am doing my best to be honest with you. I understand we are all on the 'self awareness' journey and that means occasionally you'll tell a little white lie... but I want you to know that usually I know it. And I am guessing you know when I tell one of those stupid little white lies that seem like they are no big deal, but too many of them whittle away at the trust between two people. Pretty soon? There is no foundation left to trust. And with no trust? There is no friendship.


Peace,


MaryKate

Uncomfortable is uncomfortable...

71/100

I seriously don't like feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable causes me to rush into decisions I then second guess because I find myself feeling even more uncomfortable.

Feeling uncomfortable can be anything - feeling too hot or too cold, not wanting to take a walk in the rain, not knowing how to 'fix' a situation, knowing someone is upset with me and not knowing what to do... Uncomfortable is not my friend. I know a great deal of my weight issues come from not wanting to feel uncomfortable.

I think successful people learn to navigate 'uncomfortable'. They learn to take the time that is necessary to sit with the anxious feelings until they are able to move through the discomfort. They know that discomfort isn't permanent. They know that they are not in danger when they feel uncomfortable. They realize that discomfort is the only way to grow as a person.

I... don't usually feel that way. When I feel uncomfortable I want to rush in to fix those feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Being uncomfortable can often lead to feeling unsafe. Unsafe always equaled unacceptable growing up, so I rush to try to regain control and exert some external sense of safety before things get out of hand.

The other night, I was at Central Market. I purchased a 5lb bag of spelt flour and was getting ready to put it in the back of my car. When I went to take it out of the basket, the corner of the plastic caught. I pulled, felt resistance and instead of stopping and taking a moment to resolve the situation? I just pulled harder and forced it out of the basket. Of course when the plastic tore and spelt flour covered my legs, my shoes, and the pavement I cursed at said $10 torn plastic bag of flour... loudly. I took a deep breath. I went in, explained to the cashier that the way that the bagger had packed my cart caused the bag of flour to catch on the edge and when I pulled out the bag it broke everywhere. He was very nice, let me get another bag with extra in it to make up for my trouble and I left the store... On my way home, I thought about how I lost my patience at the bag. I then dug through one of the bags I had purchased at the organic store, found a candy bar and ate a couple bites of it. Looking back at the situation, I see how easy it was to blame the poor kid that packed my cart. It might partially have been his fault for packing it so tight, but where was my part in that? You know, the part where I lost patience and pulled really hard instead of stopping for a moment and assessing the situation?

Feeling uncomfortable for me usually has to do with the ability (or should I say inability) to be patient. Part of feeling safe and working through discomfort for me is to learn to recognize my feelings of discomfort and NOT eat about them to numb myself from those feelings. By learning to recognize discomfort I can assess the situation without blame. No blame for the bag, the bagger or me for getting upset. Just taking a moment to see the situation with some clarity. By processing the situation, it might be easier not to reach for the candy bar (even if it was sugar free and organic) to make myself feel better! This seems very existentialist - to see the situation only as an event. Wayne Dyer says, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." 


Sadly, not all situations are so easy to assess. It is easy for me to to see that my getting upset with the bag and losing patience (thus spilling the flour), and eating the two bites of chocolate to release the chemicals to calm/numb me are related. The situation makes sense and is logical. Isn't that the root of almost all addiction? The desire to shove away discomfort?

Learning to manage discomfort with 'things' is easier than learning to manage discomfort with people. It is not simple. It is not easy. And I often rush into and out of relationships because I don't know how to process feeling discomfort with someone. The relationships in my life that last are the ones where the person I am with acknowledges my discomfort and is willing to own his/her part of that situation - just as I had to own that it wasn't fully the bagger's fault for the flour debacle. When the person I am with has the ability to empathize with my discomfort, together we create a safe environment where we can begin the work of processing together. That has generally been the case in my friendships, but not been the case in my 'relationships'. I tend to walk away (or run, depending on the situation) when things get emotionally unsafe. By the time I find myself feeling unsafe it is almost impossible for me to return to simple discomfort. They are directly related. I tend to terminate relationships/friendships with people who do a lot of blaming and denying of their own part in the story of their lives. I am generally willing to own my part in the situations in my life that are causing discomfort and I am open to hearing about it if I am not seeing it directly. I ask only that the people I am connected to are open to seeing their own part in the discomfort in the current situation and in their lives in general. If they can see the choices they made that got them where they are, there's a good chance we'll be friends for as long as we know each other - no distance, rain, sleet or snow will stop us from remaining connected. If they are blamers and finger pointers? I'm generally not interested in continuing the connection between us.

Being able to walk in strength and still feel discomfort and own my share of why I am feeling discomfort (or causing discomfort in others), is directly related to the concept of Emotional Intelligence. I think there are ways I can become better at being able to diagnose discomfort. Emotional vulnerability and feeling discomfort in a safe situation is a good way to grow and mature; when the situation moves from discomfort to 'hazardous', emotional vulnerability isn't really possible and my sense of self esteem suffers instead of builds.

One of the ways that is recommended for better regulating Emotional Intelligence is learning meditation. The tiny buddha blog has some ideas on meditation. I have told myself over and over that I want to learn to meditate, and I think that is the next step in my process of living a healthier more emotionally fulfilling life.

Peace,

MaryKate

Sometimes, There's No Good Side 

70/100

This is my third blog about breaking up. Apparently, I've been doing a bit of that lately. I realized this weekend that there is no good side to be on when breaking up.

No one wants to be dumped. No one wants someone to say to her, "Hey you're nice and all, but I need my freedom..." or whatever platitude you get when someone wants to kick you to the curb. It's painful and you can't help but ask yourself (especially if the 'other' person has conveniently moved on to someone else before even telling you the curb is waiting) what was wrong with ME?

And who the heck wants to be the dumper? Unentangling yourself from the arms of another is not easy. For me it is doubly difficult. Because I am terrible at it. I end up writing a letter that I spend HOURS pouring over until I finally write something clear and honest. The letter says, "Hey, I don't want to be with you anymore. I am looking for something different in my life. I wish you all the best and I think it is time for us both to move on to a new experience." The letter? Is great. But then? The person calls/emails/messages me. And I stumble - and all that great clarity I had? Seeps away and I am left a quivering ball of jelly. I hear/feel the hurt in the other person and all that clarity disappears. All those solid boundaries with another person melt and what ends up coming out is, "Hey, I don't want to be with you anymore (unless you want to be with me, then let's talk." or "Hey don't call me anymore (unless you do because I'll pick up the phone and try to make you feel better and find myself deeper in this relationship I don't really want to be in)" or "I am looking for a different experience in my life (unless you say you will change although we both know you won't, but I'll give you another chance just in case)." And I end up caving. I question my intuition that told me I wanted out in the first place. Especially if the other person throws in some guilt. I cave. And I regret caving. But I think... well maybe *one* more chance.

Meh. I think breaking up with someone is hard for me because I struggle with my own sense of worthiness. I feel so fortunate that someone likes me that I dismiss the warning bells or the reality that just because someone likes me, that isn't reason enough to stay with someone if I know, in my heart, that my needs aren't being met. I'm willing to work on things and work on things, but perhaps, in the end, the reality is that people don't change much. They can alter things (looks, gain/lose weight, new place to live, new friends, stop/start using drugs etc) but at the core? People are who they are. At my core, I am still, at times, a frightened girl who lies to try to control everything around her. As a more healthy adult? I work hard to *not* lie. I work hard to remember that I can protect myself and I am a strong woman. But I admit that even now, even after all these years of *not* lying, my instinct? Is to lie sometimes. It is the first impulse. I have to really struggle with it on occasion, because I swear at times lying just feels like it is so much easier. But it isn't. And I don't. And if you don't lie? You probably have no idea what the struggle is like. It's a core addiction just like drugs or food or alcohol. Lying gives the false sense of making things easy. But it never does, because most of the time, the other person knows you are lying and they lose trust in you. So I have learned not to lie. Has my core changed? Perhaps not. Perhaps at my core I am a truthteller, and I just learned to lie to protect myself. What I know? Is that my behavior about lying has changed, but my desire to lie? Has not changed.

My sense of being a worthwhile person has also changed. Growing up I didn't really believe that about myself.  Today? I have a better sense of self, a better sense of what I have to do to be healthy. I have a better sense of what I need to do to take care of myself, to be in a healthy relationship with myself and others and I have a better sense of what I seek in a partner.

Having that sense of self, however, doesn't make it any easier when I have to move on - ending a relationship no matter what side of the equation I am on, isn't easy.

Peace,

MaryKate

The death knell: 'whatever'

67/100

Whatever.

I use that word all the time. Well, I used to. Until I really thought about the darker undertone to that word. I think I have to thank my ex for the lesson in 'whatever'.

Last night, I got 'whatever'd'. I didn't realize how upsetting it would be. Saying 'whatever' to me says, "Hey, my needs are more important than your needs." When I am trying to explain something and someone says, "Whatever" it is the single most dismissive, rude, condescending and conversation ending word they can say to me. "Whatever" is like saying to me, "Hey, your thoughts don't matter. Your thoughts can be rejected. Shut up. I don't want to listen to you anymore. This conversation is over."

Now... my sister and I joke with each other all the time and say, "Whateeeevvvaaaahhhh". But even then, even as a joke... it isn't really funny - it's snarky and unkind. It's like calling something I don't like or don't understand 'retarded' or 'gay'. Sure, some people think those words are just funny... but saying something is stupid and 'gay' or stupid and  'retarded' shows a lack of awareness about the people around me. It is a bad habit I work hard to stop, and so is saying 'whatever'. I realized last night how 'whatever' is a 'fightin' word. Go ahead, say 'whatever' to me and watch me shut down and then get angry with you. For me? The word 'whatever' is a deal breaker...

I am willing to talk with you - I want to talk with you.If you are feeling upset or overwhelmed? Tell me.

This morning, I wrote a letter to the person. I explained how it had hurt my feelings. I said that it wasn't a word that encouraged friendship. It was a word that shut down love and shut down connection.

I am all about the talking. I want to communicate and work through things. That's what friends do. Friends are willing to talk about problems. In the past? I have wanted to hide from the difficult conversations. But I've matured. I am, even when it is uncomfortable, more willing now to work through the hard stuff. Now... if the conversation is intense? Or I am feeling overwhelmed? I want and need the ability to 'safe word' out of it. But saying 'whatever' isn't that way. There are times when I need to stop and 'defrag' before I spin into anxietyville and completely shut down; you may be feeling that way as well. But tell me, don't shut me down. I will honor your needs as well. We can work through this together. I can be tired, I can be grumpy, I can be difficult - we all can. If you are frustrated by me or unhappy with me? Tell me please. Don't be passive and 'whatever' me. "Whatever" is a word of immaturity - it is a way of trying to take the 'easy' way out. Instead? Please just say to me, "MK, I can't have this conversation right now. I'm tired. I'm grumpy and we aren't communicating well. Can we just pick this up later?" or let me say that to YOU.

And the partner to whatever is? 'it's fine'. Whereas whatever dismisses the person you are talking to... it's fine dismisses yourself. Saying to someone, 'It's fine' is actually saying, "I still have feelings about this but I don't feel safe enough to tell them to you." When I am resorting to it's fine it's because I would rather dismiss my needs than to continue to be in a threatening or circular conversation that is causing me to feel a high level of discomfort. It's saying, 'Hey, my needs are less important than your needs.' I had an entire relationship where that happened. I felt pressured into conversations where I knew the only way to stop the barrage was to say "you're right" or "it's fine". That is no way to live.

So perhaps, for 2011, I'll resolve not to use whatever and it's fine. Communication is why I like having people I love in my life. It's how I grow. It's why I love the people I love. There's no whatever or it's fine about it.

Peace,

MaryKate

Because you got to have 'frieeeeeends... la la la la la la la

65/100

This morning as I was making my breakfast, I had a crazy 'insight' flash in the kitchen. I get those sometimes. You know, I'm minding my own business, warming up my leftover egg casserole in the microwave when *bam* out of the blue I have this insight. Usually I hear a voice along with it, but that might make me sound crazy, so this morning I'm going to go with *just* the insight and leave the 'voice' out of it. ;).

Now, this insight may not be so life changing for you, but for me? It's as if my energy just shifted and I suddenly realized something I haven't ever really grasped before.

I'm dating right now. Met this guy. I dig him. He's got a great smile, great eyes... blahblahblah. It's been a bit turbulent because we met, then a week later I went to Ohio. Also, he's been working a couple of different jobs to make extra money this holiday so he has been really busy. The chemistry is way there, but I've been trying to process what it is that has been making me feel so out of sorts about it.

To start, I have been insecure. Alternatively thinking "this isn't going to work" to "ohh I *want* this to work". Roller coaster ride. It isn't this guy. It is *every* person I go out with. I get on this crazy expectation train and then start to over analyze and over-process what is going on. I end up processing with my sister and friends trying to figure things out. Last night I hit a wall with it. Started to see a pattern in my life and then this morning? Big ah HA! moment.

What I realized is that I change when I start to 'see' someone. I get anxious. I think I talked about this before. I become demure, quiet and I become needy. I question myself, start to question my abilities to navigate a 'relationship'. I put all these expectations on my partner and on myself. I will behave this way, my partner will behave this way and I will understand what is going on because I have it all under control. For example, "I will text every day and HE will text every day and even if we don't see each other we will connect EVERY day" and somehow that will make it all better...

So far? This relationship has *not* been like that. And last night I realized how lost in the 'expectations' I had become.

Then? I started thinking about the dinner I had with a friend of mine two nights ago. Love her and we haven't seen each other in probably four years. Our lives went separate ways for a while and I think she was worried *I* was upset and I was worried *she* was upset and guess what? NEITHER of us was upset and we laughed for hours and talked all afternoon when we saw each other again.

The question I asked myself this morning in the kitchen was, "Why can she and I see each other after several years and it was like we hadn't been apart, and yet in my romantic relationships, I can't go four days without hearing from the person without freaking out?"

I thought to myself, "Well, maybe I am more vulnerable in romantic relationships" but that isn't true. I tell my friends my deepest truths. I am supported by my friends, but they tell me the truth and I listen and process it with them. I sometimes hide my deepest fears and anxieties from the person I am dating because I fear rejection or discomfort.

What I finally realized this morning is something my sister has been hinting at but I'm not sure either of us really put it into words. When she started dating someone recently, she told me, "Why would I want to date someone that didn't make me laugh and that I couldn't talk to like you, MK?"

And this morning in the kitchen I realized exactly what she means. Dating for me, should be about finding a 'friend' not finding a 'husband'(because god knows if I EVER want to get married again). What I mean by that is that if I can't laugh and joke and be myself with the person I am dating? I shouldn't be dating that person. Now, I do think dating is taking friendship to another level. I certainly don't want to be intimate with my 'friends', and I know that adding 'intimacy' to a relationship changes the parameters of the 'friendship'.

The 'problem' as I see it, is in the past, I have dated and partnered with people I wouldn't have chosen to have as a friend. People that didn't treat me as well as my friends, didn't understand me as well as my friends, didn't want to get to know me as well as my friends and more, people that weren't *able* to do that. I changed my standards because *I* change when I date. I become more reserved and I pretend I'm not as intelligent as I am because guys seem intimidated by it. Some of the guys I have been partners with have felt that they needed to 'teach me' to be less opinionated, they needed to 'correct' how I see things. They needed to 'counter' my intelligence by disagreeing so that I could 'change' to how I present myself to a more 'acceptable (according to them)' way of being. Often, I think they do it because they feel intimidated. But my friends? Don't do that. They may say to me, "MK, that's harsh" or "MK, what do you mean by that?" My friends LIKE who I am. They may disagree with me at times, but they are kind in how they disagree. They love me and they process with me to help ME become a better person. The people in my life that are my friends listen and laugh and share their lives and help push me to grow outside of my comfort zone without being cruel or unkind. Those that are unkind? Don't get a second visit to my house or my life.

I realized, in the kitchen this morning, that not only do I want chemistry with the person I am dating, I want to establish a solid friendship as well. I can let go of this pressure to hear from this person all the time, let go of this neediness - I don't expect that from a friend I don't need to expect that from someone I am dating.

However, the catch? Is that I realize I have higher standards for my friends than I do for the people I date! So from now on, I will be comparing the people I date to my friends. If this person doesn't make me laugh, doesn't want to really get to know me, isn't interested in my life or what is happening in my family, isn't curious about how I think and how I see the world, and doesn't think I am amazing? I am not interested. Because I think and want ALL those things from people I see as a friend. I want to know about my friend's lives and I am curious about how my friends think. AND? there has to be chemistry. Because I have lived through a relationship that was just 'friends' and that doesn't work either. There has to be that spark, the desire for each other BUT it has to come with wanting a deep friendship with that person. Otherwise? Chemistry burns out, but true friendship lasts a lifetime.

If the person I want to date, doesn't meet the standards I set for the people I consider my friend? Then I shouldn't be dating that person - it isn't healthy. And while I'm all clear that not all of my friends are people I would want to date, the person I want to date certainly has to be someone I would want as a friend.

Peace,

MaryKate

Love is...
(liking yourself...)

60/100

My parents had these glasses when I was a kid. Actually, my dad still has them. (This sample glass is being sold on a website for $12. My dad has a set of 6 I think.) The glasses are from 1974 and feature a little naked boy and girl with a variety of "love is..." sayings. I think the saying on this glass is "Love is... telling him how much his golf game has improved!" This photo makes it look like it says, "Love is... telling him how much his game has improved!" I kinda like that second one better.

Love in my life lately has been complicated. I thought tonight I'd do my own little "love is..." list.

Love is... knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
Love is... knowing you can cry and knowing it's okay.
Love is... making the healthy choice.
Love is... fitting your 'baggage' in nothing more than the overhead compartment.
Love is... trusting yourself.

*Love is... liking yourself.

I think I get the first four, but the last one? The trust one? Trust just doesn't come easy in my life. I trust my sister. I know I am safe in her presence (after "love is... thicker than water" what does that song MEAN???) But I'm not sure I trust myself, how do you trust someone else when you struggle to trust yourself? I especially doubt myself after ending a relationship. It takes me a while to dust off and pull myself together.

I've spent the last HOUR looking through photos of myself. I didn't like a *single* one of them. I'm adding 'liking yourself' to my list. Because I think that is where it starts. And liking myself isn't hating every single photo ever taken of me. I have a lot of confidence in myself and in how well I do my job... but in how I look? Well... I've just never felt confident in that.

In the end, this blog is about being healthy. And that starts not just with healthy food and healthy exercise... it also has to do with healthy self image. I'm not sure I've ever had a super healthy image of myself, but I'm learning! *chuckle*

Peace,

MaryKate

Rainy Days and Mondays...


22/100


It's rainy today. Yes, I'm the crazy one that loves rainy days. My house is silent. No tv, no music on the radio. Princess Kitteh next to me. The trees outside have leaves fading from their last deepest green - already I see tinges of yellow forming on their edges. 


I plan on cleaning today. I have a theory... the cleaner and more organized is your house? The cleaner and more organized is your body. Messy house? Unfinished house? House that desperately needs paint and a new roof? House where nothing is organized, nothing is taken care of, nothing is appreciated? House with nothing on the walls, or all white and sterile? All reflections on how you take care of yourself.


I'm not one to quote biblical or other tomes on my blog or in my life, but I think this line sums up my thinking: 


1 Corinthians 6:19- Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you...


I love this quote. I love it because I see how I treat and perceive my external space is a reflection of how I treat and see my internal space. It is also a reminder to treat my body and my home with sacredness.


I think back on the places I've lived in my life. I have striven to make those places warm and inviting. Even my office, although cluttered, is a space students, parents, coworkers and friends feel safe, warm and welcome. Not every environment where I have lived has felt that way. I have actually lived in homes with nothing on the walls, nothing of 'me' really present in the space at all. I realize now, when I look at those places and those times that I was losing myself. The few rooms that did reflect me were a cacophony of clothes, trash and huge amounts of clutter. I think the most telling part of that is the request that I keep the door to those rooms closed because they were such a mess. I complied. The profoundness of that to me is beyond words.


I moved my office recently.  It has more windows but is smaller than the one previously. My office over the past few years has been the one place I felt at home. It was always a mess, but it felt so warm and comforting. It was stuffed full of things. There was literally no room for anything else there. How I kept it even as remotely clean as I did astounds me. When I moved to my new office, I took to my new home seven (yes seven!) huge bins of stuff. Right now those bins are sitting in my garage. I am working on creating rooms in my house that are comfortable and full of things that reflect me - and getting rid of things I no longer need to hold on to. My new office? Is still full of pieces of me. But as I continue to hone down what I want at work, what I want at home and what I want to move on to someone else, I see my environment and my body truly transforming into spaces that are open, clean yet still warm and welcoming. I'm excited about these new spaces - my office, my home, my body. They are slowly getting to where they reflect my life in its entirety: lighter, less cluttered and inviting.


Peace,


MaryKate

"Hey MK, It's Good to See You Back"


17/100


Over the last few months I've had people say to me "Hey MK, it's good to see you back". Both to my face and said about me when I am not in the room. 


Every time I hear it I pause. They aren't referring to me having come to visit, or being in the same room. Nor are they referring to my back as opposed to my front. What they are hinting at is something more elusive... harder to define. They are talking about part of my personality that has shown up off and on for my whole life. 


When I enter into a relationship, (and I don't mean a friendship), that involves emotional (and physical) intimacy... I seem to lose myself. That personality in me that is creative, passionate, funny, independent, unique, curious and even joyful seems to take a backseat to the anxious, nervous, over-analyzing, overly-careful, stressed and controlling personality lurking in the corner. I become less able to trust myself. I lose my 'magic'. I lose that part of myself that often is the part that is the most lovable. 


I grew up being afraid to be vulnerable. It made it difficult for me to keep friends. Worse, it made it hard for me to be honest with others and thus when I did make a friend, I usually lost them pretty quickly. It wasn't really until college and meeting a few wonderful people that put up with me as I learned how to be a friend, that I actually started to trust people enough to be vulnerable and therefore 'friend' material.


And as a friend? I rock. No, really. I do. I'm kind, loving, patient, giving and while at times maybe a little self centered, I often just need a gentle nudge to remember something.  In general, I will jump on the chance to be a part of your life. I'm not a good 'high maintenance' friend. If you need someone that will be there ALL the time, I'm probably not your girl. But if you want someone who is going to love you, be honest with you, cheer you on and let you hang with her while she is on her journey? That's me.


Except in relationships. Somehow I falter. I stumble. I get needy. I get anxious. My ability to trust and be vulnerable skips town. I can be desperate, clingy and I lose a lot of the confidence that makes me who I am. 


I do best in relationships where I am appreciated. Yet I seem to have a great knack for choosing relationships where that is not the case. I used to think I needed validation, but that isn't the best word. It isn't validation I am seeking but appreciation. I can't stress how important it is to appreciate others. Every time I cook a meal for my dad, even ones I don't like so much, he tells me how wonderful it is that I cooked for him. I once wrote: 

After every meal I cook for my dad, he tells me how good it is, how much he enjoys it and how he appreciates our time together. You know, it isn't hard to say those things to someone and it means so much to the one on the receiving end. Being kind to another isn't "enabling low self esteem", being kind nourishes connection and enhances love.

I find appreciation in my friendships and in my family. I realize now that I won't settle for less in a relationship. This could mean I am alone for a while. I used to think I had to be 'in a relationship' to prove that I was okay and (dare I say it?) 'normal'. I  now realize it isn't about being normal, it is about being healthy. If being myself and being healthy means being alone for a while? So be it. I'm good with that. If it means sharing my life with someone who appreciates me and has no problem telling me that? I'm gonna see that as a big, healthy, "SCORE!!!"

Peace,


MaryKate