Something's Wrong...

69/100

When I was in high school, there was only one thing I truly ever wanted. Well, besides a boyfriend and to like myself. More than anything I wanted to be in our show choir. I had zero self confidence and I could be difficult to get along with. I had a few good friends, but mostly the other kids were okay to me, or they were horribly cruel. Either way, the one thing I always thought I had going for me, was my singing voice. I could sing two and a half octaves. I had clear pitch. I had (and I would like to say, still have) talent. And more than anything, I wanted to be in show choir. Somehow I felt that if I was in show choir I would be 'okay'. It would somehow make me feel like I belonged somewhere. It would make me part of a group of people I admired. I think it made me think I would be special. Anyhow, I auditioned with the idea that it was a forgone conclusion. I auditioned knowing there really wasn't anyone with a better voice or better attitude for show choir. I was a Gleek before anyone even knew what Gleek meant!

My audition was awesome. I hit every note, smiled, showed my enthusiasm. I pretty much worshipped the woman I was auditioning for... and at that time, I still believed that life was fair. I had talent, therefore I would make it. When she posted the list of people who made the show choir and my name wasn't on it? I was... well... crushed is kind of an understatement. I went to her office, determined to be 'okay' with it. I asked her why. And? She said all kinds of platitudes. She fed me lines like, "You don't blend very well. Your voice is too loud." I didn't understand. I was first alto. I HAD TALENT. Damn it. But I started sobbing. I couldn't stop - and I had this vague feeling that something was wrong. That something wasn't true. That I was being lied to.

As I am a teacher now, it must have been so hard for her to watch me cry like that. I want to think that anyhow. I want to still think that about her. I don't want to think that her image was more important than the devastated child in front of her.

I went home. My dad knew how excited I had been about show choir. He asked me how it went. I started crying again. I told him I didn't make it. I told him what she had said. And in a moment that changed my life forever, he gently, but clearly said, "Honey, it has nothing to do with your voice. You didn't get in because you are fat."

"NO!" I screamed. "She isn't like that!! She TOLD me it was because of my voice!" I screamed at him that he just didn't understand. I think I accused him of lying. My dad realized it was a losing argument and just said in that wonderful but slightly condescending voice, "Okay, honey."

But I knew he was right. It was like a lightbulb exploded in my head. I went back to school the next day and watched the rehearsals for show choir and pretended everything was fine. But I knew something was wrong. I knew I had been lied to. I was never able to shake that feeling. I'm not sure I ever really got past it. It has given me a pretty high bullshit meter. Ask my students, they'll tell you. They often *think* I buy their stories about dogs and homework, but they know and *I* know... BS is BS.

Today, when I start to feel that "something is wrong" feeling, I've learned to trust that on some level I  know something isn't right. I'm probably being lied to or more accurately, either I am being inauthentic or someone around me is. Something doesn't 'feel' right. The problem isn't recognizing something is wrong, the problem is figuring out exactly what that 'wrong' piece is. Part of the problem is that often the lying isn't intentional. The other person perhaps believes what he or she is saying. But the net result is that feeling that 'something is off base. Something is wrong..."

Without going into too much private detail, toward the end of my previous relationship, I had that feeling. I couldn't put my finger on what was 'wrong' but I knew something was.  I was crying a lot, I was frustrated. I was in therapy. I had all these pieces but none of them gelled. I had the frame of the puzzle but no box to guide me in putting together the image. Then, one day my best friend, in one succinct sentence said more or less to me, "MK, what you are describing isn't friendship, it's dating!" and all the issues going on in my situation became clear. It was the reality I didn't want to see. That the person I was with was dating... but it wasn't *me*. The same thing happened the next time I got into a relationship. I was sooo invested and then I had another one of those... 'something is wrong' feelings. This time? I had, without the feedback from friend or father, a shining moment of clarity that I could not doubt or look back on. It was only a month later when I was proved correct and the relationship ended.

It seems like once I establish that something is wrong then have that 'ah-ha' moment, I can't pretend I don't see. It is clear and it is a light bulb moment from which I can't turn back. The stark truth. Unsweetned. Bitter. Unavoidable.

I'm having one of those moments in my life again. A feeling that something is 'wrong'. I both dread the moment of knowing and ache for it to show up. That moment when I can't look back and pretend I don't know what's wrong. But I don't know what is worse - knowing that I am about to have one of those moments, or when the moment actually arrives and I say to myself... "oohhhh... crap. That hurts, but now I know the truth of it. THAT's what I am feeling!"

As painful as that moment in high school was, it forged who I am. It taught me to trust that 'something is wrong' feeling. To figure out how to slice through the bullshit to find the authentic self and the (often painful) truth of things. I still lie to myself at times. I think we all do. But as hard as the truth is to hear, I have learned to honor it and respect it - even when it isn't what I want to do.

Honoring my truth is healthy, even when it hurts. Trusting that voice (even when I'd rather ignore it and hide under the covers of my new, comfy bed) takes courage. I'm glad I have people in my life that hold me up and remind me that healthy? Isn't always easy.

Peace,

MaryKate

The death knell: 'whatever'

67/100

Whatever.

I use that word all the time. Well, I used to. Until I really thought about the darker undertone to that word. I think I have to thank my ex for the lesson in 'whatever'.

Last night, I got 'whatever'd'. I didn't realize how upsetting it would be. Saying 'whatever' to me says, "Hey, my needs are more important than your needs." When I am trying to explain something and someone says, "Whatever" it is the single most dismissive, rude, condescending and conversation ending word they can say to me. "Whatever" is like saying to me, "Hey, your thoughts don't matter. Your thoughts can be rejected. Shut up. I don't want to listen to you anymore. This conversation is over."

Now... my sister and I joke with each other all the time and say, "Whateeeevvvaaaahhhh". But even then, even as a joke... it isn't really funny - it's snarky and unkind. It's like calling something I don't like or don't understand 'retarded' or 'gay'. Sure, some people think those words are just funny... but saying something is stupid and 'gay' or stupid and  'retarded' shows a lack of awareness about the people around me. It is a bad habit I work hard to stop, and so is saying 'whatever'. I realized last night how 'whatever' is a 'fightin' word. Go ahead, say 'whatever' to me and watch me shut down and then get angry with you. For me? The word 'whatever' is a deal breaker...

I am willing to talk with you - I want to talk with you.If you are feeling upset or overwhelmed? Tell me.

This morning, I wrote a letter to the person. I explained how it had hurt my feelings. I said that it wasn't a word that encouraged friendship. It was a word that shut down love and shut down connection.

I am all about the talking. I want to communicate and work through things. That's what friends do. Friends are willing to talk about problems. In the past? I have wanted to hide from the difficult conversations. But I've matured. I am, even when it is uncomfortable, more willing now to work through the hard stuff. Now... if the conversation is intense? Or I am feeling overwhelmed? I want and need the ability to 'safe word' out of it. But saying 'whatever' isn't that way. There are times when I need to stop and 'defrag' before I spin into anxietyville and completely shut down; you may be feeling that way as well. But tell me, don't shut me down. I will honor your needs as well. We can work through this together. I can be tired, I can be grumpy, I can be difficult - we all can. If you are frustrated by me or unhappy with me? Tell me please. Don't be passive and 'whatever' me. "Whatever" is a word of immaturity - it is a way of trying to take the 'easy' way out. Instead? Please just say to me, "MK, I can't have this conversation right now. I'm tired. I'm grumpy and we aren't communicating well. Can we just pick this up later?" or let me say that to YOU.

And the partner to whatever is? 'it's fine'. Whereas whatever dismisses the person you are talking to... it's fine dismisses yourself. Saying to someone, 'It's fine' is actually saying, "I still have feelings about this but I don't feel safe enough to tell them to you." When I am resorting to it's fine it's because I would rather dismiss my needs than to continue to be in a threatening or circular conversation that is causing me to feel a high level of discomfort. It's saying, 'Hey, my needs are less important than your needs.' I had an entire relationship where that happened. I felt pressured into conversations where I knew the only way to stop the barrage was to say "you're right" or "it's fine". That is no way to live.

So perhaps, for 2011, I'll resolve not to use whatever and it's fine. Communication is why I like having people I love in my life. It's how I grow. It's why I love the people I love. There's no whatever or it's fine about it.

Peace,

MaryKate

Love is...
(liking yourself...)

60/100

My parents had these glasses when I was a kid. Actually, my dad still has them. (This sample glass is being sold on a website for $12. My dad has a set of 6 I think.) The glasses are from 1974 and feature a little naked boy and girl with a variety of "love is..." sayings. I think the saying on this glass is "Love is... telling him how much his golf game has improved!" This photo makes it look like it says, "Love is... telling him how much his game has improved!" I kinda like that second one better.

Love in my life lately has been complicated. I thought tonight I'd do my own little "love is..." list.

Love is... knowing when to hold on and when to let go.
Love is... knowing you can cry and knowing it's okay.
Love is... making the healthy choice.
Love is... fitting your 'baggage' in nothing more than the overhead compartment.
Love is... trusting yourself.

*Love is... liking yourself.

I think I get the first four, but the last one? The trust one? Trust just doesn't come easy in my life. I trust my sister. I know I am safe in her presence (after "love is... thicker than water" what does that song MEAN???) But I'm not sure I trust myself, how do you trust someone else when you struggle to trust yourself? I especially doubt myself after ending a relationship. It takes me a while to dust off and pull myself together.

I've spent the last HOUR looking through photos of myself. I didn't like a *single* one of them. I'm adding 'liking yourself' to my list. Because I think that is where it starts. And liking myself isn't hating every single photo ever taken of me. I have a lot of confidence in myself and in how well I do my job... but in how I look? Well... I've just never felt confident in that.

In the end, this blog is about being healthy. And that starts not just with healthy food and healthy exercise... it also has to do with healthy self image. I'm not sure I've ever had a super healthy image of myself, but I'm learning! *chuckle*

Peace,

MaryKate