Those Weirdos are your Tribe!!

118

I learned this week, again, what family means. And what it doesn't mean. It was another hard lesson that I seem to continually draw into my life.

Michael J Fox once said,  "Family is not an important thing. It's everything."

I realized this week how true that is.

Family has very little to do with blood. Although in my case, I am incredibly fortunate to have such a wonderful and supportive sister and father and extended family. I am also amazed at what a tremendous daughter I have now in my life.

What I was reminded of this week, is that family is a space in your heart. It is feeling safe. It is feeling loved. It is fighting. It is knowing you can tell the truth - even if your truth is wrong - and be loved. It is knowing when things get difficult, you have someone who loves you and will stick with you. It is crying under the kitchen table and having your dad not know what to do - and having your mom say, "Just let her cry honey. There isn't anything you can do, but let her cry. She'll be okay."

I am so loved. And I can't believe every single day how big my family is. I move through my life trying to emulate what it is to love and as a result, the people I choose to have in my life love me - and if they don't? Then I guess it is better that those people get weeded out, however that happens.

Because in the end, my family are the people that stand by me. They are the people who work through the hard stuff. They are the people I come home to. And it isn't always easy. Families have fights. Families struggle. Families have financial difficulties and personality conflicts. My daughter once said about her brother, "I don't care if we sometimes don't get along, I got his back." And I think that is what it means to be a family.

And maybe family is a poor choice of words. Because there are many unhealthy families in the world. Many families who punish each other instead of supporting each other. Maybe, like the quote below, the best word is tribe:

And sometimes, people I think are part of my 'tribe' or my family, turn out not to be. They choose to leave. They choose to not want to work through the hard stuff. The complications. They don't think working through the challenge is worth it. And that is okay. I have had that same experience where I know working through the struggle isn't what is in the cards. Sometimes you have to make the difficult choice of walking away. It hurts and it is complicated but that is when those who do want to be part of your tribe become even more valuable.

I just know that for me, true family isn't about blood. It is about love. It is about honesty. It is about finding people that honor my heart and journey - and want to share their journey with me. It is about people who are as happy to be part of my life as I am happy to be part of theirs.

So, if you are part of my tribe -  and if you read my blog consider yourself part of my life - then thank you. And know I love you. And when you are done reading, remember to appreciate the people in your tribe. Call your partner,or mom or dad or best friend or sister or brother or son or daughter or niece or nephew or or or...

Because as I have been reminded again this week, there is nothing more valuable than family. Nothing. And there is nothing more valuable than telling the tribe you love, how much you love them.

Peace,

MaryKate

The Best Medicine
73/100

Laughter. I think sometimes I forget how healthy it is to laugh. Looking back I can see that the friendships in my life that have lasted have been ones rich with laughter. I was thinking about why laughter is so important in a relationship.

Laughter implies ease. It shows connection with another human being. It shows delight and devotion. If you feel safe enough to laugh with another human you feel safe enough to cry with that person. My sister says, "It's that moment when you know someone 'gets' you. When you experience being heard." Within that delight at life, that recognition, that pure joy shared for a moment with another, a bond is formed. A bond of connection. Trust, built in moment of joy, is a foundation that can last in moments of sorrow.

I can remember being with someone where I was constantly apologizing for laughing. I'd be watching the television and something so funny would come on... or I'd be watching a movie (Galaxy Quest is my favorite for just pure laughter) and I'd laugh so loudly with such pure delight. And I'd be laughing alone. And I'd find myself apologizing. I suppose the fact that I wanted to hide my laughter was a signal that it wasn't going to last. I'd look over to not even see a smile.

Laughter to me says "I live a passionate life!" Now... I will admit that there is certain laughter that I don't include in this category. Nervous laughter, for one. That laugh you do when you feel so uncomfortable, or when someone laughs at a funeral or some other sad occasion. It's that 'laugh so I don't cry' that sometimes seems so accurate. Or when someone laughs when an animal gets hurt, it's a reaction that I truly don't understand.

Another type of laughter that isn't joyful or kind, is laughter 'at' someone. At first, it may seem like it brings two people together to laugh at someone else. It gives that false sense of connectedness to another person, but there is no safety when you are in a relationship with someone willing to be cruel to another.. 'Trust' built on moments of cruelty is a foundation that cracks and crumbles at the first sign of trouble. And friendships that are built with laughter that is cruel? Are the friendships where one day you are laughing at others and the next? That person you once laughed with is now laughing at you. It's why I never liked shows like "Candid Camera" and shows like "Punked." Those shows make people laugh at the expense of another person. They make it seem like humiliation is acceptable when the person being humiliated laughs. Except it isn't. And that kind of laughter isn't the type lasting friendships and relationships are built upon.

I'm not perfect. I've been known to make a joke or two at someone else's expense. I'd like to say I've never made fun of someone... heck I'd like to say I've never been made fun of but I'm not perfect and neither is life. And heaven knows if I can't laugh at myself I'm  in deep doo doo. I have to be able to laugh at myself sometimes. I can't take my life too seriously. I am a mistake maker and sometimes the only way to lighten my own mind is to remember to laugh. Not to dismiss the problem, but to help put it in perspective. Because even when life is difficult, it's still a joy to be alive.

But laughter? Laughter matters. And I know, as I seek fulfilling relationships in my life, that I will seek relationships where laughter - the nurturing kind- is effortless. Because the joy inherent in laughter is the joy reflected in the relationship.

Peace,

MaryKate

Home again home again jiggedy jig

64/100

I leave to return to Snohomish on Thursday morning. I have to admit, I can't wait. I've been bone tired lately. I don't think I realized how exhausting anxiety is. However, anxiety aside my dad is doing well and I am glad I was here to spend Christmas with him in Ohio.

It made me realize that there are words in my life that have changed meaning as I mature. "Love" is one of them, but I'll save that for another blog. Lately the word I realize has found new meaning in my life is the word "home".

When I was younger, home was always 410 Spruce Dr. Easy. I knew that when I had to go 'home' that meant getting on my bike, or the bus, or a car and going 'home'. Home is where my sister, my dad, my mom and my brother lived. Home was chaotic, but I knew what it meant. I knew where my 'home' was - it was where I felt most myself.

Then I went to college and moved out of my 'home'. Suddenly, that word didn't mean the same thing. I began to develop a 'home is wherever my suitcase is' philosophy. I tossed the word around like it was candy. I was in a hotel for work? No problem, that was home base for a while. I moved a lot, fell in love and eventually created my own 'home', then 'homes with others'. I went through different homes, different loves, my mother passed away, my father moved up to the lake... and all the time I called wherever I was staying 'home'.

But not having a solid 'home' in my life is no longer acceptable to me. In the last 7 years I have moved 10 times. That's CRAZY. It's no wonder I feel adrift. I think I've become afraid to 'settle' down because my life has been so chaotic and I haven't felt safe in my 'home' for at *least* 10 years. I haven't felt like I could really settle into a place and make it my own. For a while I desperately wanted to buy a house because I thought that would 'fix' my ache to have a place to call my own. To feel safe. To build a foundation. I mean, isn't that the real drive to 'own a home'? To have a place of respite where you feel safe? Some small piece of the world you know is yours?

This trip back to Ohio I realized I split a lot of my time between Ohio and Seattle. But my dad's house? Isn't my home. I may still use that term when I talk to dad,  "Okay dad, let's finish at the store and go home..." but it isn't my home.

I was worried I was going to have to move from the place where I now reside. I was having serious stress about it. I talked to the owners of the house and they assured me that even though they want to sell their house, they have no intentions of selling the house where I now live. And while I understand that life changes and people change and there is no way to guarantee 'safe', I realized how relieved I felt when I knew they weren't selling 'my' house. I want to stay in this house where I now live. It's possible I might buy it some day, but then, who knows, I may fall in love and run away to some exotic place with the new love of my life. (It could happen people, don't rain on my parade *lol*). However, in the meantime I want to stop preparing for moving. I want to unpack my boxes, clean out my garage, buy some nice bedroom furniture and settle in. I mean, over the last 3 years specifically, I have been afraid to buy furniture or create a beautiful house because I knew I would be moving. My 'house' didn't feel safe or a place of respite because there was too much tension and stress. I desperately wanted to feel safe and centered when I walked in my front door and I didn't. I changed the things that didn't make me feel safe and I realize that now? I have finally found a place I can call 'home'.

And because I'm ready to 'settle' into the house where I am living, I want to create a space that's safe and comfortable. I live near people I adore, I am close to work, no water view, but I can see the horses and the area is quiet. The house is perfect for me, if not a little big - I have a fireplace where I can curl up close to at night, I have an amazing cat that purrs and loves on me continually, my sister is nearby, I can go swimming any time I want, I have a hot tub and a nice large yard where I can have chickens if I want. I want to plant a garden next year and I have friends who love me and help me when I get called away to come to Ohio.

I have a 'home' and I find when I use that word now? It has a meaning it lost a long time ago. I have a place. A solid base of reference. I have a foundation from which I can move forward from with confidence. Yes, life can be unpredictable, but that doesn't mean I should fear creating a safe, warm and loving environment for myself. I can allow myself to trust again and hey -

Looks like I've finally come home.

Peace,
MaryKate

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Erica Jong

54/100

I've been thinking a great deal about when to speak and when to *not* insert myself into a conversation. As a natural extrovert, it's hard not to jump in to conversations. Part of what makes me good at my job is my ease with people - my ability to connect and communicate. Although I have been told I don't know how to listen and I'm not a good communicator, I believe the guy who said that is wrong. I believe I do communicate well. I think, however, that in the process of communicating, at times, I find myself giving 'advice'...

Do most people really want advice? I ask my sister for advice all the time, but until I am really ready to hear it she might as well talk to a wall. Because when I ask Margaret for advice? The truth is? I already know the answer I am just not ready to hear it. My most recent foray into a relationship is the perfect example. My sister told me what she saw, I told her that things had changed. Things hadn't changed. I just wished they had. I *wished* things had changed. I *wished* I was finally appreciated. I *wished* the future was what I had always hoped it would be. But they hadn't, I wasn't, and on some level I knew it wouldn't. I held on for a while but finally let go. As soon as I was ready? All that advice my sister gave me? Yeah. It all made sense. But the key is that it wasn't information I didn't already have inside.

Here is the thing. I think I seek advice when I have stopped trusting myself. Because I knew. I KNEW that as much as I *wished* things were different? They weren't. When I look back on my life, I got the most screwed up when I started asking everyone around me for advice. Once, several years ago, I was crazy for a guy. But I knew... bad idea. For many reasons. But I kept spiraling down, down, down. Until one day? My sister walked into my office. I looked at her and said, "Marge, just tell me what to do." She looked at me. I started crying. Because I knew. And there wasn't anything she could tell me that even from the pit of my denial, I couldn't already see.

When I stop trusting myself, I get lost. I take that *first* small step off of my truth and justify it. Addicts do it all the time, I'll use food addiction. I tell myself  I'll just go to that favorite restaurant to hang with my friends. I won't eat my favorite dessert! I'll have just a salad. Then I get to the restaurant, and my favorite appetizer is on the menu, well I'll just *share* it with everyone. Well, I can have the Halibut because it's JUST fish... Oh and my sister ordered my favorite dessert so I'll just have ONE bite. Next thing I know? I have eaten more than HALF of it. Each little step off of my path leads me farther and farther away from my core truth. It's one thing when it's trying to resist a favorite dessert. It's another when each little step takes me farther and farther away from a core sense of self that leaves me empty and lost when I turn to myself for advice.

I can almost always tell when I am stepping off my path. And I am getting better and better at stopping myself before I fall head first down the cliff. I still struggle like hell sometimes. Like tonight, when really? I want to eat the entire damn fridge. But I don't. I'm sure it is the smell of that apple butter permeating my entire house. It smells SO good and warm bread with warm apple butter is pretty much the only thing I can thing about.

Which means it's time for sleep. And time to listen to my own advice. Which apparently? Is the best person I should be taking advice from...
:).

Peace,

MaryKate