Love is...

...in my own back yard

125

Sometimes, we meet people that absolutely speak to our spirit. Those people can stop by for a day, a week, or a lifetime and bring such experiences - pain, beauty, intense sorrow... but knowing them can also bring happiness and a tremendous opportunity for love.

Candace was like that.

I will never forget our first meeting. I think I was 22 at the time, and visiting her aunt. Candace walked into the living room like she owned the world. The sun shone through her big mane of hair. She was talking as she came in the door and didn't, at first, even see me. When she took a moment between topics to take a breath, her aunt introduced us. She turned to me and stood quietly for a moment. Then, she crossed the room, sat down next to me on the couch, looked into my eyes and took my hand.

I recognize that might seem odd, seeing as how we'd just met, but it wasn't. It was the most perfect thing in the world.

She said, "Hello friend. It's been a long time, hasn't it? I'm glad we found each other again."

And I said, "Hello friend. It HAS been a long time. I missed you."

In that moment, I clasped her hand tightly, immersed in this intense joy at being loved. It felt instant, complete and forever. My world shifted. I knew I had a person in my life that would always be with me, who knew me and loved me exactly as I was - just as I loved her.

I wish I could have seen that more clearly when I had her in my life.

In my life, I've struggled to see love when it was right in front of me. I've been on my Wizard-of-Oz/Dorothy journey to try to find perfect love and happiness somewhere outside of myself.

Recently, I was told I acted like I had the emotional makeup of a 15 year old. At first I dismissed it as ridiculous and completely off mark. As I thought about it, perhaps in some ways, I have been stuck at that age. At 15, I was taught that the 'best' love comes in a perfect partnership, and that the love of the 'One', is the 'best' love there is. I bought into the belief that some kinds of love and happiness are more 'valid' than others, and I believed in Disney's storyline.

This morning, with my window wide open and a cool autumn breeze filling my bedroom, I burrowed under my covers and thought about love, happiness, Candace, and so many of the other people in my life - and decided to stop labeling some love and happiness as more valid than others, and the 'One' more real than other 'ones'.

'Perfect partnership' doesn't have to be, for me, the end goal. My life shouldn't be about the happily ever after, but about the 'happily in the now'.

I missed a lot of 'happily in the now' moments with Candace, with my friends and even with partners, because I was so busy trying to figure out if it was perfect - if I was perfect.

Finding and appreciating love and happiness in all forms is important; moments of happiness are brief. There are no guarantees they will continue. Guarantees would mean Candace and I would be looking at golf cart ads and she'd be giving me advice on dating.

My goal is to get better at recognizing love and happiness the moment it is present. Like singing at the top of my lungs at a drag show with my daughter - Candace's child - and laughing about how close we are to the stage.

Losing myself in that moment walking along the water in Edmonds, holding hands and feeling tremendously happy. Watching the sunset and appreciating it for what it is, not what I want or think it has to be.

Being mindful of the moment is honoring happiness as it is, and finding it in my own back yard.

...if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?

Not that I won't click my heels together in sparkly red shoes, because seriously, my life is seeking travel and adventure - especially when I know my shoes will always bring me home.

But in seeking love and happiness, I know I need look no further than the moments of my own heart.

Peace,
MaryKate

Oprah 100 x 100 

89/100

I'm watching a show on Oprah. I don't watch Oprah that often. But for some reason I caught the beginning of tonight's show and found it very inspiring. It's a show of 100 people who have lost over 100 pounds.

I started watching the show and the first thing I wanted to do was go into the kitchen and eat. I suppose that probably sounds funny, but really? Not so much. I sat here processing the anxiety watching this show made me feel. It brought up a memory in me from about eight years ago. I was with my sister and one of my dear friends doing some clothes shopping. I had lost about 50 pounds. I tried on a pair of leather pants and came out of the dressing room. They were in a size I hadn't worn since I was in my teens. I have been heavy since I was eight years old. So, for me? Getting back into a size I wore when I was a teenager was amazing.

So, there I was... in HOT, new, black leather pants. I walked out into the store and Lori and my sister had this look in their eyes. It's hard to explain it. But it was joy, happiness. Love. They both went on and on about how amazing I looked. How sexy, how beautiful. They had tears in their eyes. I started to get anxious. I went back into the dressing room and started crying. Full on sobbing. Couldn't stop. Took off the pants and within six months I had gained back all the weight and didn't lose it again.

Tonight, watching Oprah, feeling that anxiety and the desire to eat it bought up, I realized I still have some issues with food. The difference in my life is that tonight? I didn't get up and eat. I didn't get out of my chair. I'm working my way to a triathlon. I'm trying not to obsess about the scale. I've given up my pretty solid diet of wheat, white sugar and dairy. On occasion I have those foods, but I'm not making those staples in my life anymore.

I had someone say to me the other day that he felt fat people were just lazy and undisciplined. In his defense? He did say he was realizing that it was much more complex. I know it is for me. It is so easy to pigeon hole my weight issues as my being 'lazy' and 'undisciplined'. It's so much more than that.

And here is the best part. As the Oprah show finishes up, I feel more excited to keep on my journey. Tonight, I moved past the old desire to eat over feeling anxiety and am now just enjoying her show and finding it motivating.

I know I have a long way to go. I know this isn't my 100th blog post. I still have 11 more of the first 100. I'm excited to focus those last ten on how much I have grown and changed in the eight months I have been writing this journal. And the best part is that I'm not stopping at 100, the next set of 100 will be continuing my journey to be more healthy and sharing whatever twists my life takes next.

It's important to know the original issues I had with food and weight haven't just 'disappeared'. Anxiety/Emotional eating are still a part of my life. But by paying attention to what I am feeling and by recognizing the desire to eat that isn't hunger based but emotionally based,  I can stop myself from mindlessly going into the kitchen and eating something to numb myself.

I have awareness, determination and a belief that I can make a change in my life. It's already happening.

Peace,

MaryKate

Remember that 'dating' blog entry???

51/100


So, my blog Dating again...hmmm that I wrote all of 5 days ago? I'd like to retract that one please. I might have been jumping the gun. I forgot how much dating isn't fun. Until you find mutuality,  you are stuck being either the rejector or the rejected and *neither* position feels good. It doesn't matter if you are rejected by someone you've loved for years, someone you've loved for months, or someone you've loved for moments. It. Still. Sucks.

I think, perhaps the hardest thing, is how I've gone about meeting people in my late 30s/ early 40s. Most of these guys are guys I've first 'met' online. I've never seen them, but I've build up a story in my head no matter how hard I've tried *not* to do that.  I get to present the sane, best side of  myself - he does too. On paper/screen, we seem to have so much in common. Then? We meet and I realize (or he does), no way. Or even while we are chatting I think, um...this isn't going to work. Then I have to tell another person (who might still be excited by the idea of further deepening the relationship) that it isn't going to work. I feel bad, the other person feels bad. No way around it. I rethink everything I said, wonder if there wasn't a better way to say it... then pick myself up and do it all over again.

Yeah. I didn't even make it to the first date. I'm not sure I trust myself right now. I keep being told that I don't listen. That I don't hear what a guy is actually saying. I swear I actually spent the last relationship I was in working HARD to listen to what the dude was saying because I don't always trust what he says. I was crazy enough to think we were at *least* in the same chapter. Nope. Not even in the same damn book. Over and over again guys say,  "I *never* said that, MK. I don't know where you got that idea, but I *never* said it." 

And I think, ... am I making shit up? Am I an idiot? Am I stupid?

I am none of these things. And I believe I  'hear' what a guy says. I do think, however, that two things are going on. On my side I'm attached to a certain outcome and it colors my perceptions of what the guy is saying. On his side, I think people say things they don't always mean when they want to make someone happy. Once upon a time I was dating someone who was crazy about me. Every time I looked into this person's eyes? I knew I couldn't return that level of devotion. I *wanted* to... but I knew I couldn't. I found myself saying all kinds of things to make the other happy. I said things at the moment that I believed, but knew deep down weren't going to happen. Perhaps because *I* hoped on some level that *maybe* I could feel those things. But I didn't. And the end of that relationship was painful; to this day I wish I had ended it better... with more compassion. I guess I've learned each time I've loved. It doesn't get easier. Even when I've thought, ohhh I *found* it! I found a relationship with someone who loves me and we now get to build a life together! Even then there aren't any guarantees. 

I hope I don't sound morose, or bitter or angry. I'm not. I just realize the way I have gone about meeting people or reconnecting with people from my past, hasn't really worked so well for me... So for a while? I'm going to stop actively seeking a 'partner' I'm going to do things that make me happy. One of my dearest friends was in her 50s before she met the man of her dreams. So yeah, it's not like I *need* to be in a hurry.

I'm going to spend some time exploring my own curiosities and following my spirit. I'm also going to cultivate the friends I already have. I want to do activities that make me smile, like picking apples or mushrooms this weekend. I'm also researching different spiritual groups (there's an interesting church near where I live that is non-traditional...) Maybe I'll join a choir or perhaps do a little theater... We'll see.  I'm okay with meeting people and striking up a conversation with someone, as demonstrated by my serenading dinner companion the other night *lol*. I'm okay with the idea of hanging out. The rest? Well, the rest can take care of itself. When I sit in the quiet of my office after a busy day is over, I know my life is upbeat, present, healthy and happy. Anything on top of that is gravy. :).

Peace,

MaryKate