Am I good enough to be good enough?

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"I just feel like no matter what I do lately, it isn't good enough."

My daughter said that to me on the way home from a cookout last night. She was crying and had curled into a ball in the passenger seat. There is nothing harder than seeing your teenage daughter cry and knowing there isn't really much you can do other than listen.

I wanted to assure her that she *is* good enough. I wanted to tell her all the amazing pieces of her I see. How proud I am of her working so hard at being a good lacrosse goalie, how excited I am and how amazing I think it is, that for her 16th birthday she wants to put together a list of 50 random acts of kindness and then have her friends run around and do them with her to celebrate. How wonderful I think it is that she volunteers at *least* once a month at the food bank, and on her vacation days she does more. How impressed I am that she is so kind and welcoming to new kids at our school. How much people respect and admire her for *her* not for the things she does, but because of who she is. How funny I think she is, and how much I love how often we laugh with each other. How I respect her dedication to doing well in school, and that even when it is frustrating she doesn't give up.

But I didn't say any of that. I was in protective mode and I knew that by saying anything I would likely only make things worse. Sometimes, it doesn't help that your mom thinks you are amazing.

I think the hardest part, was driving in silence and while she blew her nose,  thinking about all the times in my life that I have felt not good enough. How many times I have looked to others to like myself - and chosen poor reflections as mirrors.

I have come to the realization that some people in my life are what I call, "Diminishers". Diminishers are the people who remind you that you are good... but not quite good enough.

I have a history of dating and having Diminishers in my life - they reinforce my own fears that I am not good enough. Not all, but many of the guys I have dated have been that way. "You're really nice, but I'm just waiting for you to be crazy like my ex." or "Why should I say nice things to you - it will only increase your lack of self esteem." or "You know, you are a terrible story teller." or  "Here is a list of things if you just changed, I'd love you more." or "Do you know who sings this song on the radio?" (I say something like 'Madonna') he'd laugh and say, "Let's keep it that way."

Even some of my former friends were diminishers. The ones that would always find that ONE thing and point it out - "Cute dress, but you seriously need to get your toes done!" I had one female friend, who would start every letter telling me why she loved me, then would spend the rest of the letter telling me all the things that I did wrong that hurt her feelings and how I needed to change to 'meet her needs' as a friend. I was friends with her for almost 20 years when I finally had enough - every letter made me cry and every letter made me doubt myself and my place in the world. There is obviously a reason for the word 'former'.

A Diminisher in your life is someone who can't ever *quite* be kind to you. Can't love you for who you are. Someone who, I suspect, is actually envious of your place in the world and wants to 'knock you down a few pegs'.

To be clear, that doesn't mean I don't want feedback. My sister is queen of telling me the truth, but when she tells me the truth it isn't to tear me down, it's to build me up. True friends help me see a behavior or habit that isn't helping me further my goals. That is different. I want people to be honest. What I don't want are the habitually negative people in my life who want to make sure I know I'm 'almost' good enough.

I know my feelings of 'not good enough' stem from a complicated childhood, and this article in Psychology Today explains a lot of the reasons people struggle with not feeling good enough.

What I have realized in my life, is that I am done with Diminishers. I am done with people who are narcissists and people who by nature, tear down - not build up. But more importantly, I am done with needing someone else to confirm my own worthiness. Because people you love sometimes go silent after telling you they love you, people leave, people change. But by building up my own self awareness, when those people come and go, my sense of goodness, my sense of place in the world, my sense of my own power doesn't diminish with their leaving.

I will continue to help my daughter build up that strength inside to know that she is an amazing young woman. She has her faults - we all do, but my hope is that when someone teases her or is mean to her - she will have the fortitude to recognize that the cruelty of another person is a reflection of THAT person, not a reflection of her. It's a lesson that took me much too long to learn.

 

Peace,
MaryKate

Weighing of the Heart

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Do you know the Egyptian story of the weighing of the heart? Let me give you the short version. The Egyptians believed that upon death, the soul or "akh" would, using the Book of the Dead as a guide and often Anubis as well, work through the 12 gates of the Duat on the journey to the the Hall of Judgement. Once in the hall, the initiate would recite the 42 confessions in front of the 42 judges. Then, the heart would be put on the scale against Ma'at's white feather of Truth. If the scales didn't balance, the akh would be thrown to the crocodile god Ammit and the soul devoured. If the heart was not 'heavy' and the scales balanced, the akh would be welcomed by Osiris to the Field of Reeds - where the akh would rejoin family and loved ones.

My birthday is next week. I'll be 47.  The number doesn't bother me, I'm not sure I look my age, and I'm pretty sure I don't always act it. 

Joseph Campbell said, "Out of perfection nothing can be made. Every process involves breaking something up.”  I feel, around my birthday, like part of me is breaking away and something new is evolving. Around this time of year, I seem to find myself re-enacting my own "Weighing of the Heart" ceremony.

I don't throw myself to the crocodile god if I feel I haven't lived by my truth during the proceeding year, but I do find myself evaluating where I was a year ago, and where I am now.

Last year at this time, I was in my fourth month of being a full time mom. The path had turned rocky and the honeymoon phase was definitely over. I worried if I was doing the 'mom' thing right. I felt unsure and I did a lot of questioning of myself. This year, I have a full year under my belt. Even with some of the changes and upheavals over the last year, I feel more confident I am doing the 'mom' thing okay. I still make mistakes and sometimes I still question if I have any idea what I am doing. December is a hard month, but I feel like the ground under my feet is more stable, and I feel like, as a family, things will be okay.

Last year at this time, I was not single. I did not expect to be so this year. However, I have found a new strength in getting to know myself. I still stumble at times with knowing who I am outside of being a 'mom', 'sis', 'daughter', 'friend', 'teacher' and 'partner', but I think I'm learning. I am finding my voice. It's not the 3 octave range it once was, but it is strong and clear and I am grateful for it.

Last year at this time, we had just moved to a new building at work. It was a big shift for everyone. The transition took some time, but I have settled into my new digs and I like being able to look out the window and see blue sky and trees. I still wake up every day loving what I do and where I do it. Teaching is one of the constants in my life and I am fortunate to find joy in what I do.

Last year at this time, I was 35 pounds heavier than I am now. I am proud of the running I did, and frustrated by the knee injury that has stopped that progress. I am also proud that I haven't put that weight back on and that I have continued a path forward to reach the goal of wearing one of these in Mexico!

I have changed over the past 12 months. I think I have become more centered, more connected and better in touch with what I want in life and what I don't want. In other ways, I feel like I have fallen in my goals of writing that great novel and my continued goal of letting go of perfection. I still haven't mastered the art of distinction between which pieces of my life I should hold on to, and which pieces need to be released. I second guess myself and, at times, I make choices from a place of fear, versus a place of centeredness.

It's a process, right? At this point in my life, I am not heavy-hearted; I feel light-hearted and joyful. I see such potential in the upcoming year!

It's my birthday and I am looking forward to celebrating. Because beyond it all, I am deeply grateful for each day I am on this planet. Each life I touch and each heart that reaches out and touches mine, changes me. Each moment I am here, each moment I am alive is a profound gift I treasure. I'm continually reminded that even when I forget about the magic - the magic doesn't forget about me.

Peace,

MaryKate

Lip-sync for your Life!

123

Let me just admit right now that I am a fan of RuPaul's Drag Race. My daughter and I binge watch it. At the very end of each show, two of the contestants are forced to lip-sync to a dance club song (you know ala Donna Summer crooning MacArthur Park is melllllting in the sun...) and the winner gets to stay and the loser must gather her makeup and 'sashay away'.

I started running three weeks ago. Running is a ridiculous word and not even remotely accurate. I don't even think I can fairly call it shuffling. It is a slow process. My body has a long way to go before it is ready to 'run' anywhere. I pray the zombie apocalypse can wait at least a year to give me some time before I have to worry about running to save my life. It'd be better if the zombies were drag queens and I had to lip sync to save my life. Now that I could really manage. Heck, I could rule that future world of zombies lulled into submission by my lip syncing.

I digress to a better place - a world where life depends on one's ability to lip sync to be healthier and stronger. Too bad life isn't like that and being healthier isn't that easy.  For some, with a lifetime pattern of self care, perhaps it is easy; for me, is it a true shift in mind-set. It is making myself get physical. It is pushing myself to compete in a 5M run in November (that I only agreed to because I thought it was 5K. Lori totally suckered me into that...) that looms ahead of me on the horizon taunting me.

I have been walking all summer and increasing my distance each week. Until I started to focus less on distance and more on intensity, I was up to three or four miles of pulling, I mean walking, the dog. When I made the shift to prepare for the event in November, I started using an iPhone app for the couch to 5K (C25K) method of training. The first two times weren't really hard, but then my body realized what I was doing and went into revolt. I didn't give up, but decided that instead of pushing myself too hard, I needed to focus on just one week at a time. I did week one for two weeks until I was comfortable, now I am working on week two. I don't really care how long it takes me to get to week three. I will walk the 5M if I have to. The goal for me isn't perfection, it is finishing. However, I find that even as I choose to push myself to do this, old patterns fight in my head to re-establish themselves.

Do you remember my blog post about when I went into the store to buy bento boxes and freaked out that they were too small and I couldn't fit enough FOOD in there? Well, clearly there was enough food in there, and using those boxes for a while helped me eat smaller, healthier lunches, and overall portions. However, the there isn't enough mindset took me a while to get past. Two weeks ago, I had a similar experience that made me realize that old programming can be tremendously strong.

My friend Lori invited me to go cliff diving at a park in Anacortes. Neither one of us had gone to the lake before, but we were meeting her daughter who was going to show us the way. Lori, my daughter, and I, packed into her car and off we went. I wore my bathing suit, my hippy tye-dye dress, and flip flops. I was ready for swimming!

When we arrived at the park, we got out of the car and gathered our water gear.  I was ready! Until Lori's daughter told us it was about a two mile walk to the water.

TWO MILES???? WTH. No one told me I was going to have to walk two miles to get to the water!

I started to feel that familiar panic. The script in my head started to play the familiar tape of  I can't do it. It's too far. Everyone will make fun of me or worse pity me. I've been with partners in my life that ridiculed me for not 'keeping up' and partners that would walk faster than me when we'd go out, even when I asked them to slow down and walk beside me. All those thoughts played in my head.

All the jogging/running I have done over the summer meant nothing. All I could think about was that I had to walk two miles!!! The idea of walking that far truly terrified me. But my kid was there. And I was being a tantrum-throwing two year old. Lori even offered me better shoes, but I was all NO! and I'M NOT GOING (insert stompy foot here). Lori just looked at me, did her best to let me get it all out and then said, "Ready?" She was not putting up with my childishness.

Damn her.

So I started walking. In the hot sun. Through the woods. In my dress. And guess what? I was fine. I saw the lake in the distance and I thought woohoo! I'm there! Except I wasn't. It was another mile to where we were headed. But I kept going. In my stupid flip flops (and boys and girls, that is what pouting gets you - crappy shoes), I kept going. All the while, Lori kept my pace and let me blather on about my exes and about love and about life and whatever came into my mind. She just listened, pointed out some very insightful things, and let me distract myself. I kept going while everyone else went a bit faster and Lori, because she loves me, stayed at my side. Next thing I knew, we had arrived. It happened that fast. *poof* we were there.

And wow. It was glorious. The water was so flat and still. There wasn't anyone else there. The cliffs were high, but not so high you couldn't jump off them. I was hot, but not breathing hard. Not only had I made it, it wasn't even that big of a deal! All that panic for nothing. I took off my dress and flipflops and dove into the crisp, clear water. And it was cold. And it was stunning. And I remembered all those times as a kid that I had walked forever and swam for hours. And I wondered why I had forgotten all those moments in my past of being athletic and strong despite being a big girl.  I loved walking when I was a kid and I would take walks for miles and miles and hours and hours - by myself! Just because I could.

I realized, again, how difficult it is to shift a lifetime's worth of perspective. The perspective of I can't to the perspective of, I can.

And when the zombie apocalypse comes? I am going to sing, at the top of my lungs, ALL THAT SWEET GREEN ICING FLOOOOOWING DOWN..." as I do not sashay way, but instead outrun them. Because seriously. I should be able to outrun zombies.

I think that is a realistic goal.

Peace,

MaryKate

Forgiveness - Then and Now

Forgiveness  Excuses

119

In my life, I have often said that it is easy for me to forgive - sometimes it might take a while, but I find in time I make peace with the people and events of my past. But as I strive to live a more authentic life where I am more honest with myself and those around me (even at the cost of relationships) I see now that what I thought was forgiveness, in actuality, wasn't.

In truth, I forgive less and make excuses more. I find it easy to make a truckload of excuses for myself and others:

• He had a hard childhood, that's why he is so angry
• She was in a bad marriage and didn't know she was pushing me away
• His mother was a narcissist and he was never nurtured, therefore he doesn't know how to nurture
• She's a good person in her heart. She didn't mean to be so disrespectful
• His pattern is to run away when things get difficult, because that is what his father did
• If I had just remembered to do XXX he wouldn't have gotten so upset
• If I just try harder and give more, things will be okay
• This person needs me to love him/her and it's okay to be the one in this relationship/friendship doing most of the emotional nurturing and giving

It is one thing to recognize the struggles and situations from the past and acknowledge how those influence who I am and others are now. It is entirely another situation to use that knowledge to make an excuse about the situation. Making excuses for others is NOT forgiveness. In some ways, it is exactly the opposite.

Making an excuse for someone else or myself is letting ME off the hook. It is not loving myself enough to be honest with the other person or with me about what I am feeling, therefore denying my own needs within a relationship. A good example in my life is how I deal with anger and rage. Someone who rages, scares me. I feel unsafe. But instead of looking at that and eliminating people who rage from my life, I pretended everything was okay or made excuses for the other person.

I was fortunate that I was able to resolve that issue with one of the angry people I had in my life - my father. It was about seven years ago and it was life-changing. Over breakfast one day, I told my dad about how growing up with his anger was hard for me because I thought it was all my fault. He had this moment, got teary-eyed and said, "Honey, it wasn't about you!" and I said, "I know that now, dad, but I didn't then." And we cried a little and he and said, "I never knew." And in that space my dad and I had an honest moment about our conflict and took our relationship to a deeper, more healed level. It could not have happened if my dad hadn't been able to recognize his anger issues. And it couldn't have happened if I hadn't been able to let him do that instead of making excuses for his behavior. It was a genuine moment. It was healthy and it changed me; I think it changed him as well. Not that my dad doesn't still get angry. But I no longer make excuses about his anger to justify his behavior. It made it much easier for me to recognize his behavior as his behavior and not make it about me.

It isn't just regarding others where I deny patterns and make excuses. Someone recently said to me, "MK, you have to learn to be able to say what you want and not make excuses for why you aren't getting it." That would mean I would have to be honest with what I need and for me, that is difficult. I want to see the best in people. I want to believe they see in themselves the amazing things I see in them. And while seeing the best in someone is beneficial, there comes a time when seeing that can be a detriment to the reality of a situation. Then I get blindsided by because I am busy making excuses or justifying behavior instead of being honest with myself and the person I am with. Worse, when I finally do stand up and am honest about what I need, it is often too late. The expectation that I will make excuses or 'gloss over' a situation ends up causing too much of a shift and the friendship/relationship/connection ends. Not always, sometimes the other person I am with is equally invested in making a shift and we move forward together with a healthier bond - like my father and I did.

My desire to be healthy in my life, means being honest with myself from the getgo. And that, at least for me, is tremendously difficult. Because whether it is relationships, not eating well, not exercising enough, not working on my novel, etc. making excuses creates a nice curtain to hide behind. Curtains however, don't move me forward in my life. Instead of making excuses, learning to truly forgive myself and let go of anger and resentment towards others is how to make progress toward making better choices. I don't think there is anything wrong with recognizing events that shape a person, but those events aren't an excuse. Those events are exactly that - events. Having a difficult childhood does not excuse someone being mean to me, nor does it justify stuffing my face with ice cream.

I, as most people do, have a Judge that sits in my head and tells me everything I do is wrong, that I am a bad person and if I just could be more perfect, thinner, have a better house, clean my kitchen, etc, I would be a good person. The Judge is a blamer. The Judge is an avoider. The Judge tells me the things that go wrong are all my fault because if I could get it right, everything would be okay. The Judge encourages excuse making. The Judge keeps me from growing and moving forward by encouraging me to make an excuse, or explain away conflict by pointing the finger. By listening to the Judge, I avoid taking responsibility for my own feelings and avoid recognizing that the other person's behavior is a reflection of my own! It isn't about the other person. The other person isn't broken or wrong for being angry or rude or critical. When I recognize my own anger, I own my part in the situation - giving myself the opportunity to change.

And I am the first one to say change can be scary. Change involves work. And change in any relationship involves both people working together. It's so much easier to make an excuse and walk away than do the hard work involved in changing a dynamic. I'm not saying walking away is a bad thing, there are situations in life where walking away is absolutely the right choice. Not everyone is invested in pushing through the hard stuff to move forward. However, if I walk away, or someone else walks away, I need to be honest to myself about the reasons. No more excuses or pointing the finger of blame. Instead, it is time to do the work I need to do to learn from the experience and make difference choices about future connections. I may not understand or agree with another person's choices, but honoring them honors myself.

In the end, I am the one who is making choices. And knowing that, I get to make a choice about how I handle the parts of myself where I struggle. I get to handle what I do with the Judge. I can choose to hold on to connections with people who reflect the angry and critical part of myself, or I can choose to foster relationships that reflect the loving, kind and gracious part of myself. I feel that I am at the point in my life where I can be grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am today and make peace with a truly forgiven past.

From this point on in my life, I recognize I am the one with the anger. I am the one that is so cruelly critical. When I understand that I am the one that needs to be kinder to myself, the Judge loses most of her power over me and moves to the back of my awareness. I can fill my life with people and situations that reflect the healthy, wise, strong and honest person I am. And when I come across the flawed, critical, angry, and frustrated parts of myself, I can honor them, release them and move forward in my life without excuse.

Peace,

MaryKate

Because it turns out, writing a novel is just like life

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I had this moment today. This moment of thinking about how much easier it has been in my life at times to quit when things start to get difficult.

I'm working on a novel. A novel I have been working on for over a year. I have a couple of those stuck away in a file on my computer. Okay, more than a couple. This one, however, is different.

This novel is the first story I have ever really loved. It's the first time I really understand when novelists say things like "Oh the characters told me their story!" It is so true. I literally have no idea what is going to happen. None. I have vague ideas. But this story is the first one where I have gone to bed not knowing what I was going to write, and either had a dream about it, or the moment I opened my eyes I just knew what was coming next.

So I keep at it. Parts of it I like, parts of it I don't like. I don't like that I killed one of my favorite characters. I don't like that I don't know what is coming next. I love my main character and I wish I had her strength when I was her age. But then, I can just use my daughter as a role model for my character to know what that looks like.

What I realized, is that I could just let this novel go. It's getting hard now. The first twelve chapters flowed out of me. But now I have characters I don't like. I have a story line that is convoluted and complicated. And the worst part is that I have absolutely no idea where this story is going. And that is scary. Because I could keep writing and this story and it could go NOWHERE! And then what do I have - twelve chapters I like and a bunch of crap!

It might not seem like a novel is like losing weight or life for that matter. But for me, starting the process of losing weight, or writing a novel, is easy. I have an idea, I have a goal. I have control. I set everything up, I get it ready and I am full steam ahead! For the first few weeks, it is no problem. I have determination. I lose weight. I write like a crazy woman. My carefully crafted plan works perfectly.

Then, I crash. It gets hard. The 'easy' weight no longer comes off. Life gets in the way. I JUST WANT A DAMN PIZZA. Whatever the reason is, the honeymoon is over. Now I have to decide which I want more - to lose weight and push through how difficult it is, or talk myself into going back to what is 'usual' and convenient. It's back to the idea of 'courage vs. complacency'.

This is the hard part for me. Setting a goal and living up to the promise I have made myself about following through with that goal. I can make promises to others and live up to those, but living up to the promises I make myself? Not so easy.

So today, I am going to walk the dog. We're up to two plus miles a day and I am proud of that. Since writing my blog  'back at it' on June 23rd, I've walked a total of 15.48 miles, by Sunday this week I'd like to be at 20. I'm proud of that. But it is just a start. Right now I'm hitting that place where it is much more comfortable on the couch with my coffee near me and my dog curled up at my feet and writing my blog, than it is throwing on some clothes, clipping on that leash and going for a walk.

But if I have learned anything this summer already, it is that follow through is just as important as initiation. Sticking with something when it pushes against my own resistance is probably the real lesson I am learning this summer. Yes, there are times when walking away is the right thing to do. And knowing when to let go of a goal and when to push on through the hard stuff is a big part of this lesson. But when it comes to promises I make myself: to get healthy, to finish my novel, to get my finances in order, these are promises that are important. They help shape who I am. They show my daughter what a healthy person looks like. But then, maybe the lesson here isn't health, wealth and happiness. Maybe the lesson is believing I can have those things because I am determined to keep going when making those things happen feels almost overwhelming. Perhaps self care is the real lesson I am learning and showing to my daughter.

So, for this novel? I am pushing through the difficult stuff. For this walking commitment I made to myself? I am pushing through the comfortable stuff to keep increasing my daily goals.

Good heavens, I'm 46 years old! If I don't figure out how to follow through on promises I make to myself, when I am going to learn the lesson that I am as valuable to myself as I think I am to other people? Walking, writing, those are things that mean something to me. Taking better care of myself. Pursuing something that I enjoy. No one ever has to read my novel for me to feel like I accomplished my goal of writing one. No one ever has to look at me and think I am attractive or think I am healthy. That being said, seems to me that perhaps, it is time I think those things about myself.

Peace,

MaryKate

Well, who is that lovely lady?


93/100

Today one of my students who is all of 18 asked me if I had any idea what it was to know someone who could finish my sentences. Who understood me in a way no other person had ever understood me. If I knew what it was to be so in-love with someone you felt your soul open up. And to know it is someone you can’t have. Someone who can’t return what it is you offer. Someone you loved so deeply and so desperately that life without that person seems empty and barren.  I told him I knew that feeling, yes. I knew the feeling of loving someone and realizing it is unattainable. And? I told him that truly being in-love is reciprocated. Truly feeling that amazing feeling of belonging, of connection, of love is something that comes from two people, not one.

But I'm wondering now if that is true. If maybe, in order to be ready for that amazing feeling of belonging between two people, you gotta master it with the only 'one' that matters.


Recently, I have made some deep realizations about my life. And getting to this point hasn't been easy. There have been tears. Lots of them.


But I think I get myself now. Maybe for this round of understanding I've finally made it to the other side of the river. And I can see where I have come a little better from the this side of the rushing water. 


For many of my 43 years on this planet I have been searching for 'the one'. It has driven my life. I felt that if I just found 'the one' and I looked in his eyes? I would see that I am okay. That I am loved. That I am whole. I thought once I looked into his eyes and he thought I was beautiful? *I* would finally feel that way about myself. Once I looked into his and eyes and *he* said I was smart? I'd believe that about myself as well.


Except in my life? That hasn't happened. And in my life? It wasn't going to happen. Not because I haven't or won't fall in-love, but because finding that space to realize I am beautiful and that I am worthy doesn't come from outside myself. It comes from inside. And for most of my life, when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone fat and unattractive. I chose relationships that reflected that back to me. Guys who loved me... but weren't in-love with me. Guys I could pour my heart out to that could not return that sort of affection. Guys who were as emotionally crippled as I was.


I did this, not because I chose bad men. Categorically, the men I have chosen in my life have been good guys. Every one of them. But I chose guys that couldn't dig into problems and be honest with themselves or with me. And I chose men like that because *I* couldn't do that fully with myself. I couldn't look in myself and see that I was worthy of what I needed and wanted in a relationship. That it was *okay* to want and need things within a relationship. That I didn't have to give myself away to be loved. It was naive of me to think that some man was going to take care of those things for me. That some partner was going to 'heal' that need for safety, security and that deep deep need we *all* have to feel loved.


A few weeks ago, I was putting on makeup in my bathroom. And when I was done, I said to myself, "You look so pretty today." As I walked out of the bathroom, I had an OMG! moment. Followed by tears.  I realized I had said that to myself and NOT added "if only you lost 80 pounds", or "on the inside", or "if only you could make that nose smaller" or "if only you didn't have scars on your body" or or or. A lifetime of "or's" and "if only's". And in that moment? I knew I finally got it. I understood what it was not to be waiting for someone ELSE to tell me I was pretty. Or I was special or I was worthy of being loved.


And I realized? I was done looking. Well.. done looking for THAT ONE guy that was 'the one'. I realized I was fully ready to be who I am. Solid in the knowledge that I like me. I'm not going to drag someone to dinner with me, or keep trying to force someone to hang out with me, or continue hanging out with someone that doesn't add something amazing to my life. I may meet a thousand more people before I find a partner I want to be with as an equal. I'm okay with that. I know I will make a lot of friends on the way and? I'll meet some people who are not people I'll keep along the way. And that is okay as well. I do not *have* to like everyone. I can be kind, I can be loving and I can be honest without being cruel.


And if I am 83 and I am not partnered up? I will go dancing with my goddaughter or her children and walk the beaches by myself and think... dang woman! You've lived an incredible life! What an amazing lady you are! 


And I know I'll say this because right now? I finally understand I already am.


Peace,

MaryKate

Sometimes, There's No Good Side 

70/100

This is my third blog about breaking up. Apparently, I've been doing a bit of that lately. I realized this weekend that there is no good side to be on when breaking up.

No one wants to be dumped. No one wants someone to say to her, "Hey you're nice and all, but I need my freedom..." or whatever platitude you get when someone wants to kick you to the curb. It's painful and you can't help but ask yourself (especially if the 'other' person has conveniently moved on to someone else before even telling you the curb is waiting) what was wrong with ME?

And who the heck wants to be the dumper? Unentangling yourself from the arms of another is not easy. For me it is doubly difficult. Because I am terrible at it. I end up writing a letter that I spend HOURS pouring over until I finally write something clear and honest. The letter says, "Hey, I don't want to be with you anymore. I am looking for something different in my life. I wish you all the best and I think it is time for us both to move on to a new experience." The letter? Is great. But then? The person calls/emails/messages me. And I stumble - and all that great clarity I had? Seeps away and I am left a quivering ball of jelly. I hear/feel the hurt in the other person and all that clarity disappears. All those solid boundaries with another person melt and what ends up coming out is, "Hey, I don't want to be with you anymore (unless you want to be with me, then let's talk." or "Hey don't call me anymore (unless you do because I'll pick up the phone and try to make you feel better and find myself deeper in this relationship I don't really want to be in)" or "I am looking for a different experience in my life (unless you say you will change although we both know you won't, but I'll give you another chance just in case)." And I end up caving. I question my intuition that told me I wanted out in the first place. Especially if the other person throws in some guilt. I cave. And I regret caving. But I think... well maybe *one* more chance.

Meh. I think breaking up with someone is hard for me because I struggle with my own sense of worthiness. I feel so fortunate that someone likes me that I dismiss the warning bells or the reality that just because someone likes me, that isn't reason enough to stay with someone if I know, in my heart, that my needs aren't being met. I'm willing to work on things and work on things, but perhaps, in the end, the reality is that people don't change much. They can alter things (looks, gain/lose weight, new place to live, new friends, stop/start using drugs etc) but at the core? People are who they are. At my core, I am still, at times, a frightened girl who lies to try to control everything around her. As a more healthy adult? I work hard to *not* lie. I work hard to remember that I can protect myself and I am a strong woman. But I admit that even now, even after all these years of *not* lying, my instinct? Is to lie sometimes. It is the first impulse. I have to really struggle with it on occasion, because I swear at times lying just feels like it is so much easier. But it isn't. And I don't. And if you don't lie? You probably have no idea what the struggle is like. It's a core addiction just like drugs or food or alcohol. Lying gives the false sense of making things easy. But it never does, because most of the time, the other person knows you are lying and they lose trust in you. So I have learned not to lie. Has my core changed? Perhaps not. Perhaps at my core I am a truthteller, and I just learned to lie to protect myself. What I know? Is that my behavior about lying has changed, but my desire to lie? Has not changed.

My sense of being a worthwhile person has also changed. Growing up I didn't really believe that about myself.  Today? I have a better sense of self, a better sense of what I have to do to be healthy. I have a better sense of what I need to do to take care of myself, to be in a healthy relationship with myself and others and I have a better sense of what I seek in a partner.

Having that sense of self, however, doesn't make it any easier when I have to move on - ending a relationship no matter what side of the equation I am on, isn't easy.

Peace,

MaryKate