Lip-sync for your Life!

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Let me just admit right now that I am a fan of RuPaul's Drag Race. My daughter and I binge watch it. At the very end of each show, two of the contestants are forced to lip-sync to a dance club song (you know ala Donna Summer crooning MacArthur Park is melllllting in the sun...) and the winner gets to stay and the loser must gather her makeup and 'sashay away'.

I started running three weeks ago. Running is a ridiculous word and not even remotely accurate. I don't even think I can fairly call it shuffling. It is a slow process. My body has a long way to go before it is ready to 'run' anywhere. I pray the zombie apocalypse can wait at least a year to give me some time before I have to worry about running to save my life. It'd be better if the zombies were drag queens and I had to lip sync to save my life. Now that I could really manage. Heck, I could rule that future world of zombies lulled into submission by my lip syncing.

I digress to a better place - a world where life depends on one's ability to lip sync to be healthier and stronger. Too bad life isn't like that and being healthier isn't that easy.  For some, with a lifetime pattern of self care, perhaps it is easy; for me, is it a true shift in mind-set. It is making myself get physical. It is pushing myself to compete in a 5M run in November (that I only agreed to because I thought it was 5K. Lori totally suckered me into that...) that looms ahead of me on the horizon taunting me.

I have been walking all summer and increasing my distance each week. Until I started to focus less on distance and more on intensity, I was up to three or four miles of pulling, I mean walking, the dog. When I made the shift to prepare for the event in November, I started using an iPhone app for the couch to 5K (C25K) method of training. The first two times weren't really hard, but then my body realized what I was doing and went into revolt. I didn't give up, but decided that instead of pushing myself too hard, I needed to focus on just one week at a time. I did week one for two weeks until I was comfortable, now I am working on week two. I don't really care how long it takes me to get to week three. I will walk the 5M if I have to. The goal for me isn't perfection, it is finishing. However, I find that even as I choose to push myself to do this, old patterns fight in my head to re-establish themselves.

Do you remember my blog post about when I went into the store to buy bento boxes and freaked out that they were too small and I couldn't fit enough FOOD in there? Well, clearly there was enough food in there, and using those boxes for a while helped me eat smaller, healthier lunches, and overall portions. However, the there isn't enough mindset took me a while to get past. Two weeks ago, I had a similar experience that made me realize that old programming can be tremendously strong.

My friend Lori invited me to go cliff diving at a park in Anacortes. Neither one of us had gone to the lake before, but we were meeting her daughter who was going to show us the way. Lori, my daughter, and I, packed into her car and off we went. I wore my bathing suit, my hippy tye-dye dress, and flip flops. I was ready for swimming!

When we arrived at the park, we got out of the car and gathered our water gear.  I was ready! Until Lori's daughter told us it was about a two mile walk to the water.

TWO MILES???? WTH. No one told me I was going to have to walk two miles to get to the water!

I started to feel that familiar panic. The script in my head started to play the familiar tape of  I can't do it. It's too far. Everyone will make fun of me or worse pity me. I've been with partners in my life that ridiculed me for not 'keeping up' and partners that would walk faster than me when we'd go out, even when I asked them to slow down and walk beside me. All those thoughts played in my head.

All the jogging/running I have done over the summer meant nothing. All I could think about was that I had to walk two miles!!! The idea of walking that far truly terrified me. But my kid was there. And I was being a tantrum-throwing two year old. Lori even offered me better shoes, but I was all NO! and I'M NOT GOING (insert stompy foot here). Lori just looked at me, did her best to let me get it all out and then said, "Ready?" She was not putting up with my childishness.

Damn her.

So I started walking. In the hot sun. Through the woods. In my dress. And guess what? I was fine. I saw the lake in the distance and I thought woohoo! I'm there! Except I wasn't. It was another mile to where we were headed. But I kept going. In my stupid flip flops (and boys and girls, that is what pouting gets you - crappy shoes), I kept going. All the while, Lori kept my pace and let me blather on about my exes and about love and about life and whatever came into my mind. She just listened, pointed out some very insightful things, and let me distract myself. I kept going while everyone else went a bit faster and Lori, because she loves me, stayed at my side. Next thing I knew, we had arrived. It happened that fast. *poof* we were there.

And wow. It was glorious. The water was so flat and still. There wasn't anyone else there. The cliffs were high, but not so high you couldn't jump off them. I was hot, but not breathing hard. Not only had I made it, it wasn't even that big of a deal! All that panic for nothing. I took off my dress and flipflops and dove into the crisp, clear water. And it was cold. And it was stunning. And I remembered all those times as a kid that I had walked forever and swam for hours. And I wondered why I had forgotten all those moments in my past of being athletic and strong despite being a big girl.  I loved walking when I was a kid and I would take walks for miles and miles and hours and hours - by myself! Just because I could.

I realized, again, how difficult it is to shift a lifetime's worth of perspective. The perspective of I can't to the perspective of, I can.

And when the zombie apocalypse comes? I am going to sing, at the top of my lungs, ALL THAT SWEET GREEN ICING FLOOOOOWING DOWN..." as I do not sashay way, but instead outrun them. Because seriously. I should be able to outrun zombies.

I think that is a realistic goal.

Peace,

MaryKate

Lunch Lessons
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If I had written this blog post at 8am this morning when I got the incredible brain storm for it, I would have called it "I HATE lunch!". And while I still do... hate lunch that is... I had an experience today that brought a shift for me in my relationship to food and to my noon time meal.

In general, my past history has meant hating lunch time. I never know what to pack, I get food coma by 2pm if I eat at the deli across the street and I spend too much money and time worrying about it. If I haven't figured out lunch by the time I leave in the morning at 8am, by 10am I start thinking... god... what am I doing for lunch today? I am almost always too busy in the morning to bother packing something,then I'm super busy at work until noon. Worse, when I *do* pack something, usually I've just thrown it together before running out of the house and by noon? I don't want it anymore.

This morning I decided to do a recipe search for lunch items that are easy and healthy. I figured if I could find some easy recipes that I could make the night before and have ready to go in the morning, it would go a long way in solving my lunch drama. While scouring the internet, I came across two sites: laptop lunches and  bento lunch livejournal - I was hooked! If I had written in my blog this morning? I would have gone on and on about how cute the boxes are, how fun they look... how easy it will be to put together nice, simple, healthy meals.. blah blah blah. And while I still think that, a funny thing happened on the way to the forum...er... Asian grocery store...

So, I loaded my dreams and my butt into my car and headed down to Uwajimaya in Bellevue to buy me some bento boxes. I called my sister and asked her if she wanted in on my BIG NEW IDEA (I have a lot of those) and she was game... so my goal? Two bento boxes of happiness.

I got to the store ready to buy my bento!

 I went to the bento section, but the boxes were $35 *and*, they weren't what I wanted. Sooo I went to the 'cheap' bento section:

Still couldn't find what I wanted. Back and forth I went, maybe 5 times? Then I started surreptitiously opening the packages to see the cute little boxes inside. STILL NOT HAPPY. I stood there, looking at the bento boxes trying to figure out what was wrong.

Then it hit me. My crazy voice in my head said...

 No way MK, these boxes are waaaay TOO SMALL! 


I stared at the tiny boxes.

You can't POSSIBLY be satisfied with the amount of food you can shove in these tiny boxes!

I kinda started to panic.


It isn't enough food I tell you!!!

My voice screamed at me so loudly I was worried the Asian lady next to me was going to start staring.

 It's all a HOAX! Those website people took photos of their bento boxes up close! Made them look bigger. IT'S NOT FAIR!!! IT'S the BIG LIE!!!!! You neeeeed a bigger bento box!

 As I stood in the middle of Uwajimaya, I realized I was getting pretty anxious.

 You don't honestly think that is going to be enough food do you? Put those 'baby' boxes back. Go home, go online and BUY some ADULT sized bento boxes!

I put the bento boxes down. I picked them up. I put them down. I hadn't eaten since 8am and it was 2pm, I was hungry and decided to get some sushi at the cafe they have in the store. Perfect opportunity to contemplate bento boxes.

I grabbed a 6 piece California roll, paid and sat down. I got out my chopsticks and began popping out the cucumber and setting it aside.  As I sat eating my 6 piece California roll I focused on eating slowly and enjoying each bite. I let go of the bento drama and just appreciated the flavor (even if it was krab with a "k) of the fresh sushi roll. I began to realize that I have been thinking about lunch all wrong. My meal was finished and I was fine. Not screaming full, but fine. I went over and bought 3 marble sized red bean sesame rolls (yum!) and after I ate those I realized I was happily full. ALL the lunch I had just eaten would easily fit into the little bento boxes I had refused to put in my cart. Heck, I could even add a peach slice, or some tomato slices or or or...

I took a deep breath and centered myself. I said to that anxious little voice inside, "Hey crazy voice, it's going to be okay. See? We aren't still hungry. We can let go of the image of the huge burger with fries and a large iced tea for lunch. I promise I won't let you get too hungry, but I think we can honestly be happy with the food we can fit in the bento box. Really! We're cool."

I felt better. I went over, picked out two bento boxes, a nice a rice steamer, wandered around and found lots of cool new foods, checked out and then headed off to Trader Joe's to finish my shopping day.

Today ended up being about understanding how easily I have fallen victim to huge portion sizes being 'normal' and how, when I listen to my body, I really DO know when I am full. It's a big shift in how I see food and how I relate to my body.

So yay for the bento box. This blog entry certainly wasn't the blog I *thought* I was going to write today, but funny how it is turned out to be the blog I needed to write.

:)
Peace,
MaryKate


ETA:

This is my first attempt at a Bento lunch... maybe not beautiful... but it's a start. It's a salmon patty with garlic/lemon mayo. Thai peanut rice with scallions and celery with raisins and peanut butter. Two little raspberries add color :).