HUUUUUUNGRY Chicken...

15/100

So tonight I waited too long to eat. I had an egg and an english muffin at 7:30am. I had a cup of coffee (from my own kitchen so I can control what goes into it) on my way to school, I had my little bento box for lunch at noon. Then? I got held up at work getting ready for class tomorrow. I had to stop at COSTCO to pick up notebooks and new PENS (it's a new school year I *deserve* new pens... I looooove new pens). The lines were long and it took me a while to get out of the store.

I didn't walk through my door until 7:30pm. That's too late. As my sister often says? "Huuungry chicken"!!! When I am too hungry I can't focus. I was able to manage to not get a burrito on my way home and I managed to walk away from the 'food court' at COSTCO... but my hunger meter was about a 27 on a scale of 1 - 10.

I walked in to my house and took a deep breath. I knew I was too hungry and I wasn't going to be able to truly manage my food if I didn't stay present. I got some pulled pork from the fridge, a piece of bread and a little of the homemade BBQ sauce I made last night. Threw it into the microwave, warmed it up and ate it.

When I am too hungry, it isn't the first thing I eat that is a problem. It's that once I eat I can't really hear the voice inside myself that says 'full'. After eating the half sandwich, I made tabbouleh salad with tomato. I had to wait about 5 minutes for it to be edible and when I started eating I 'checked out'. Then? I heard clearly it was time to stop, but it was so hard for me... I stopped myself by taking a small handful of pita chips, setting them on the counter and sealing up the bag. I ate the chips I set out and put the tabbouleh in the fridge. I left the kitchen, got out my computer, and started this blog entry.

The mindless eating feeling has passed and I can clearly hear and feel that I am full. But I know that had I stayed in the kitchen I would have eaten the whole bowl of tabbouleh not because I was hungry, but because I was checked out.

Eating is a relationship. When I am too hungry I ignore the new relationship I am trying to build and fall back on old habits. I take food for granted. I don't spend any time appreciating how the food I am eating tastes and I forget why I am eating.

As I work to get healthy one of the things I am doing is not getting angry at myself for waiting too long to eat. I'll just get some snack to keep in my office so if I end up staying late I can have a bar or an apple or something to tide me over until dinner. It's so easy to criticize myself for not being perfect. I am working to forge a new relationship with food and with my body. I like where I'm going. I like that I didn't stop at the burrito place, eat the costco food and even though I was hungry I managed to do pretty well not binging out of control. I still have to get through the rest of the evening without 'nibbling' all night, but I feel full, I feel good and I realize I really *am* changing my relationship with myself and with food.

Peace,

MaryKate

Anger Ain't the Enemy...

13/100

I find myself having to deal with some of my anger issues lately. I see it as sure sign that I am living a more healthy life.

I grew up in a household with a lot of anger. A lot of raging, actually. Unpredictable raging. Once the raging was over? Everyone pretended it never happened. Anger? Was BAD. Anger made me want to hide in closets or under the bed. Anger felt wild and I couldn't find safety in a world where uncontrolled anger could catch me when I wasn't looking. I never processed the difference between anger and rage. To me? They were the same thing.

When I first went to college I was sure that anger was an unproductive emotional response and I spent a great deal of time explaining to people (in my 'I know it all' college age way) that anger wasn't necessary and that the more 'elevated' your 'soul' was, the less you got angry. The 'new agey' people I was hanging around with constantly stressed how important it was to be an 'old soul' and how 'old souls' were so 'above' common emotions like anger'. Old souls were all 'love' and 'peaceful' and happy. I wasn't an 'old' soul if I felt anger, therefore, no anger from this girl. No sir, no way.

Not processing anger has left me with a great deal of pent up anger. I think in general, we as a society haven't learned to deal with anger. Lashing out at the idiot that cut me off in traffic? A general way of venting enough anger to keep the kettle boiling, but not overflowing.

Especially in relationships (both casual and 'partners'), I've found myself unwilling to get angry. Hey, patience is the sign of an evolved person, so I just. needed. to. be. patient. Which of course left me feeling bitter, resentful and usually? I just ate about it.

But lately I've been looking at things that make me angry. Looking back on past relationships I can see that not being willing to be angry caused me to spiral out of control on the inside. Calm and in control on the outside? Check. A furious, spiraling mess on the inside? Absolutely. 

I see so much rage around me, Liberals vs. Conservatives. Fox new lovers vs. Msnbc lovers. The Right vs. The Left. Rage against the Muslims. This rage isn't productive. I think working on our anger issues is responsible, understanding our fear is essential. But as long as we let tv/radio personalities drive us to rage? We've stopped thinking and are acting from a place of fear. Acting out of fear seldom produces sustainable outcomes that nurture us and make us healthy.

I'm practicing remembering to breathe. I'm learning to honor the anger I am feeling and then direct it where it belongs; being emotionally responsible means not vomiting emotions all over the people I love. I still believe forgiveness is an important way to process anger, but jumping to forgiveness without giving the anger due process? Isn't true forgiveness, it's actually rather condescending. 

I won't lie. Anger still scares me. I still want to run and hide under the bed like a frightened eight year old when someone around me screams or shouts profanity. I'd like to say I've mastered 'anger'. But I'm not sure that is something that will ever happen for me... and I'm not sure I want to 'master' anger. That sounds too dangerously close to 'being perfect' to me.

I am understanding that being angry and raging are two different things. Raging only leaves the people around you scared. Anger and rage are not the same things and being angry? Can be motivating, head clearing and sometimes the only way to reach self honesty. I got angry that I couldn't go on those rides at Cedar Point. I didn't get angry at the policies of Cedar Point, that isn't where my anger was really coming from. My anger came from feeling fat and knowing I needed to do something about it. I didn't remain angry, I used that initial anger to motivate myself to make some serious changes in my life. Staying angry isn't healthy, but accepting anger and working through it is helping me move to a new, healthy place in my life - it's being an adult not a frightened child. It isn't easy to work through anger, but I do believe it is essential to achieving a space where I am centered, present and the only way I know how to get and stay healthy. So much sickness and disease comes from not processing anger, fear and sorrow.

Peace,

MaryKate

Just Breathe...

8/100

Tonight? I walked home and looked at the moon. Watched her peek in and out from the clouds. It was such a beautiful, quiet night. Tomorrow I start back to school, so enjoying the peace tonight is all part of my mental health.

Looking at the moon reminds me to breathe. With the rush of trying to get ready for school, moving my office and still trying to unpack my house, it's been rush rush rush since getting back. How easy it is for me to forget to breathe.

Breathing connects me to my heart. It reminds me to be present in my body. I had a wonderful dinner with a friend tonight. I completely love her and as I listened to her tonight, I took a moment to breathe and be grateful for the company, the laughter and even though we sit on different sides of the political table, we even danced around that topic for a while. On the way home, I looked into the sky and saw this huge, brilliant, full moon hanging over the sky above my house. My friend dropped me off at the end of my street and I walked back to my house in the moonlight, pulling my recycle bin behind me.

And as I walked? I remembered to breathe. To practice being grateful for my wonderful summer with old friends (and even a few new ones!), my father, my family. To honor the trade-off that even though my vacation is essentially over, I get to return to a job I love, people I work with that I love, a boss I respect tremendously and students that change my life every day. I am constantly amazed and thrilled with how much I learn from my students. I have almost no patience with drivers that insist on cutting me off when the road merges and the other driver feels it is OKAY to zoom up on my right and cut in front of me; but, the patience I have for my students is almost limitless. Not that my students don't, on occasion, push me to my limits, but more often than not I look forward to each different person that walks through my door - I know I am going to learn something and grow from the encounter.

So as sleep comes knocking  (okay it's more than knocking, it's rented out the bedroom and moved in) on my eyelids, I head to the dream world with a full heart, a space of gratefulness for a full summer, and a small amount of anxiety and excitement about the upcoming school year.

Peace,

MaryKate