Oprah 100 x 100 

89/100

I'm watching a show on Oprah. I don't watch Oprah that often. But for some reason I caught the beginning of tonight's show and found it very inspiring. It's a show of 100 people who have lost over 100 pounds.

I started watching the show and the first thing I wanted to do was go into the kitchen and eat. I suppose that probably sounds funny, but really? Not so much. I sat here processing the anxiety watching this show made me feel. It brought up a memory in me from about eight years ago. I was with my sister and one of my dear friends doing some clothes shopping. I had lost about 50 pounds. I tried on a pair of leather pants and came out of the dressing room. They were in a size I hadn't worn since I was in my teens. I have been heavy since I was eight years old. So, for me? Getting back into a size I wore when I was a teenager was amazing.

So, there I was... in HOT, new, black leather pants. I walked out into the store and Lori and my sister had this look in their eyes. It's hard to explain it. But it was joy, happiness. Love. They both went on and on about how amazing I looked. How sexy, how beautiful. They had tears in their eyes. I started to get anxious. I went back into the dressing room and started crying. Full on sobbing. Couldn't stop. Took off the pants and within six months I had gained back all the weight and didn't lose it again.

Tonight, watching Oprah, feeling that anxiety and the desire to eat it bought up, I realized I still have some issues with food. The difference in my life is that tonight? I didn't get up and eat. I didn't get out of my chair. I'm working my way to a triathlon. I'm trying not to obsess about the scale. I've given up my pretty solid diet of wheat, white sugar and dairy. On occasion I have those foods, but I'm not making those staples in my life anymore.

I had someone say to me the other day that he felt fat people were just lazy and undisciplined. In his defense? He did say he was realizing that it was much more complex. I know it is for me. It is so easy to pigeon hole my weight issues as my being 'lazy' and 'undisciplined'. It's so much more than that.

And here is the best part. As the Oprah show finishes up, I feel more excited to keep on my journey. Tonight, I moved past the old desire to eat over feeling anxiety and am now just enjoying her show and finding it motivating.

I know I have a long way to go. I know this isn't my 100th blog post. I still have 11 more of the first 100. I'm excited to focus those last ten on how much I have grown and changed in the eight months I have been writing this journal. And the best part is that I'm not stopping at 100, the next set of 100 will be continuing my journey to be more healthy and sharing whatever twists my life takes next.

It's important to know the original issues I had with food and weight haven't just 'disappeared'. Anxiety/Emotional eating are still a part of my life. But by paying attention to what I am feeling and by recognizing the desire to eat that isn't hunger based but emotionally based,  I can stop myself from mindlessly going into the kitchen and eating something to numb myself.

I have awareness, determination and a belief that I can make a change in my life. It's already happening.

Peace,

MaryKate

A league of my own...

81/100

Two of my dear friends got married several years ago in Mexico. I was asked to be the minister and to sing their wedding song. It was a lovely wedding in one of my favorite places - a romantic, island beach resort. A couple of nights before the wedding, the bride, her Maid of Honor, and I were sitting downstairs at the pool and the little pool guy was bringing us drinks. We were laughing and having a good time. Both my friend and her Maid of Honor are stunningly beautiful. Not to mention just lovely ladies. I believe she told me her Maid of Honor was a swimsuit model and I believe it. Anyhow, we were sitting there and we were talking about men. I was interested in a guy at the time who was very handsome and I was talking about it to the two ladies. I said, "Yeah this guy is super hot... you know how it is when you like someone who is out of your league." and both ladies looked at me and said, "No". No malice or snarkiness... Just "no".

I remember how floored I was at that. They didn't know what it was like to date someone out of their league or they just didn't think that there *was* someone out of their league? Or? They had just never considered it before? All I knew is that most men I wanted to date I thought were out of my league.

Eventually I got married, divorced and now once again find myself single and back in the dating world. Well, I did, until I took my profile down.

And why did I take my profile down? Because I realized I still think most guys are 'out of my league'. I had a conversation with my sister the other day. It was one of those hard conversations that stick with a person. I'm not even sure how to express what I realized. And it is a hard realization to explain and share. But what I realized is that I still feel like I have nothing to offer in a relationship. So I almost feel like I should just be grateful to any man that would want me. It's more complicated than that, and I don't want to emotionally vomit all over this blog...

But I realized as long as I don't believe I am a solid, intelligent, emotionally healthy, funny, attractive and active person? I won't attract that into my life.

Which brings me to Dr. McDreamy - my dad's neck surgeon. He's so funny. He and I laughed, played, joked with each other. It was fun. He's married and  I want to be clear that I am not 'interested'  in Doc McDreamy. But one night, after my dad's surgery, my sister said to me, "That's it, MK. You are not allowed to bring home another guy that is not McDreamy." I looked at sis and said, "Oh my god, Marge he is SOOO out of my league." She shook her head and said, "Are you kidding me? You are so wrong." and it hit me. Once again that chronic low sense of self worth showed its ugly head. Except this time? I realized I WAS wrong. Believing that someone like McDreamy is too good for me? Is a problem. And it is why I took down my profile.

I realized it is time to believe I can attract someone like McDreamy. Someone warm, funny, loving, intelligent, compassionate with a killer smile and self confidence. Someone who is good at his job, comfortable with his maturity (McDreamy was 52) and not emotionally immature and unavailable like the last few guys in my life. In the meantime, for me to feel ready for a healthy, fun, emotionally available relationship? I have to believe I am worthy of it. And to do that? I have to take care of myself.

Part of that taking care of myself is getting ready for the triathlon. I'm nervous. People know I am doing this... but it is motivating. It feels good to have made the commitment... And I've been losing weight and I feel this  determination to be successful at both getting healthy and completing this mini triathlon!

So yeah... maybe not Dr.McDreamy, he didn't come into my life as a possible guy to date, but as a bar to set for myself as to what I'd like to find in my life in a partner.Without coming across as narcissistic, it's time to recognize my own value, to see my worth and, when the time is right and I know my own value, I will be ready meet someone who meets  Doc McDreamy's bar.

Peace,

MaryKate

The dog ate it... 
Ok
Wait, you don't have a dog!

72/100

Deep breath. Hi, my name is MaryKate and I lie. Or. Well. I used to. All the time. I'd like to say that I am above all that now and I only tell the truth. But. Well. That would, you know, be a lie.

In my life, lying made me feel like I had some sort of control. If I lied, surely the lie was a much better excuse than "I forgot" or "I'm irresponsible". Plus, lying made me think I looked so much better. I felt that if I lied, people wouldn't know I was really a screw up and not worth loving.

Seriously. That is how I lived most of my life. Well into my 30s, I thought lying was the best way to handle conflict. But even when I lied and justified it to myself? I knew I was lying.

I can remember, when I started to work on being a person with integrity, that I started to acknowledge when I lied. I always *knew* I was lying and started to recognize that situation in my life. It started with no lying to myself. I'm a work in progress I suppose. It is amazing how often in the day it would be easy to lie, but through diligence I have reached a point where I feel like I live in my integrity.

I think, in general, people don't take responsibility for their own actions. Perfect example is something that happened to me a while ago when I went to Safeway. I parked, ran in to the store, got some juice and other sundry items and headed back out to my car. I loaded the back of my car and realized that the SUV parked next to me was *really* close. So close in fact, that I could not get IN to my car. Now, I drive a Saturn Vue, so it isn't that my car is small or anything, but I was parked perfectly between the lines. The woman who owned the Ford Explorer next to mine finally arrived and started unloading her groceries. I came out from between the two cars and said, "You parked pretty close to my car" She replied in a snippy tone, "Well YOU... (she then proceeded to look and see that *I* was parked well within the lines and SHE was not)she stammered, then went on, "Well you just don't understand how difficult it is in these parking lots with the small lines. It's just ridiculous, I have a Ford Explorer and it is very difficult with these small spaces! Really, the people who make these lines should make them wider apart, the person next to me was very close I didn't have a choice... blahblah blah". It was EVERYONE's fault but hers. SHE parked poorly and there was no one parked next to her. 

Actually, all I wanted her to say was, "Oh my gosh! I'm sorry. I will load up my groceries and move my car ASAP." I would have smiled and said, "No problem, it happens" and life would have gone on... but the more she blamed everyone else, the more she stammered on about how it wasn't her fault... the more angry I became. Lady? Just own your stuff!

I am not innocent of being disrespectful - I struggle with my own type A personality issues. I sometimes speed ahead and don't let in cars that have tried to move to the front of the line and bully their way in... I could just relax and let them in, but I think "you are no more special than I am" and then I end up being an idiot and almost causing an accident because I won't let them in... so I own that I am not perfectly innocent nor am I perfect, but for the most part? I own my stuff. 


It's part of living an authentic, healthy life. Lying and not owning one's own responsibility is something I see in so many of the kids I work with. This inability to own responsibility for something they have (or in the case of homework) haven't done. I understand the fear that the 'adult' in the situation (me as their teacher) will be disappointed. I understand how scary it can be to own up to your stuff and not lie about it... and I try to have patience with the process of growing up and finding one's own authenticity. But it still frustrates me and I wonder if it is my responsibility to call them on it... is it my job to say, "Enough!"... I don't know. To accuse someone of lying is a touchy thing. Especially without any proof. With just that gut feeling that the person I am talking to isn't being truthful. 


In the end, if I care about you, if we consider ourselves friends, I ask you to be honest with me. I am doing my best to be honest with you. I understand we are all on the 'self awareness' journey and that means occasionally you'll tell a little white lie... but I want you to know that usually I know it. And I am guessing you know when I tell one of those stupid little white lies that seem like they are no big deal, but too many of them whittle away at the trust between two people. Pretty soon? There is no foundation left to trust. And with no trust? There is no friendship.


Peace,


MaryKate

Uncomfortable is uncomfortable...

71/100

I seriously don't like feeling uncomfortable. Feeling uncomfortable causes me to rush into decisions I then second guess because I find myself feeling even more uncomfortable.

Feeling uncomfortable can be anything - feeling too hot or too cold, not wanting to take a walk in the rain, not knowing how to 'fix' a situation, knowing someone is upset with me and not knowing what to do... Uncomfortable is not my friend. I know a great deal of my weight issues come from not wanting to feel uncomfortable.

I think successful people learn to navigate 'uncomfortable'. They learn to take the time that is necessary to sit with the anxious feelings until they are able to move through the discomfort. They know that discomfort isn't permanent. They know that they are not in danger when they feel uncomfortable. They realize that discomfort is the only way to grow as a person.

I... don't usually feel that way. When I feel uncomfortable I want to rush in to fix those feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Being uncomfortable can often lead to feeling unsafe. Unsafe always equaled unacceptable growing up, so I rush to try to regain control and exert some external sense of safety before things get out of hand.

The other night, I was at Central Market. I purchased a 5lb bag of spelt flour and was getting ready to put it in the back of my car. When I went to take it out of the basket, the corner of the plastic caught. I pulled, felt resistance and instead of stopping and taking a moment to resolve the situation? I just pulled harder and forced it out of the basket. Of course when the plastic tore and spelt flour covered my legs, my shoes, and the pavement I cursed at said $10 torn plastic bag of flour... loudly. I took a deep breath. I went in, explained to the cashier that the way that the bagger had packed my cart caused the bag of flour to catch on the edge and when I pulled out the bag it broke everywhere. He was very nice, let me get another bag with extra in it to make up for my trouble and I left the store... On my way home, I thought about how I lost my patience at the bag. I then dug through one of the bags I had purchased at the organic store, found a candy bar and ate a couple bites of it. Looking back at the situation, I see how easy it was to blame the poor kid that packed my cart. It might partially have been his fault for packing it so tight, but where was my part in that? You know, the part where I lost patience and pulled really hard instead of stopping for a moment and assessing the situation?

Feeling uncomfortable for me usually has to do with the ability (or should I say inability) to be patient. Part of feeling safe and working through discomfort for me is to learn to recognize my feelings of discomfort and NOT eat about them to numb myself from those feelings. By learning to recognize discomfort I can assess the situation without blame. No blame for the bag, the bagger or me for getting upset. Just taking a moment to see the situation with some clarity. By processing the situation, it might be easier not to reach for the candy bar (even if it was sugar free and organic) to make myself feel better! This seems very existentialist - to see the situation only as an event. Wayne Dyer says, "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." 


Sadly, not all situations are so easy to assess. It is easy for me to to see that my getting upset with the bag and losing patience (thus spilling the flour), and eating the two bites of chocolate to release the chemicals to calm/numb me are related. The situation makes sense and is logical. Isn't that the root of almost all addiction? The desire to shove away discomfort?

Learning to manage discomfort with 'things' is easier than learning to manage discomfort with people. It is not simple. It is not easy. And I often rush into and out of relationships because I don't know how to process feeling discomfort with someone. The relationships in my life that last are the ones where the person I am with acknowledges my discomfort and is willing to own his/her part of that situation - just as I had to own that it wasn't fully the bagger's fault for the flour debacle. When the person I am with has the ability to empathize with my discomfort, together we create a safe environment where we can begin the work of processing together. That has generally been the case in my friendships, but not been the case in my 'relationships'. I tend to walk away (or run, depending on the situation) when things get emotionally unsafe. By the time I find myself feeling unsafe it is almost impossible for me to return to simple discomfort. They are directly related. I tend to terminate relationships/friendships with people who do a lot of blaming and denying of their own part in the story of their lives. I am generally willing to own my part in the situations in my life that are causing discomfort and I am open to hearing about it if I am not seeing it directly. I ask only that the people I am connected to are open to seeing their own part in the discomfort in the current situation and in their lives in general. If they can see the choices they made that got them where they are, there's a good chance we'll be friends for as long as we know each other - no distance, rain, sleet or snow will stop us from remaining connected. If they are blamers and finger pointers? I'm generally not interested in continuing the connection between us.

Being able to walk in strength and still feel discomfort and own my share of why I am feeling discomfort (or causing discomfort in others), is directly related to the concept of Emotional Intelligence. I think there are ways I can become better at being able to diagnose discomfort. Emotional vulnerability and feeling discomfort in a safe situation is a good way to grow and mature; when the situation moves from discomfort to 'hazardous', emotional vulnerability isn't really possible and my sense of self esteem suffers instead of builds.

One of the ways that is recommended for better regulating Emotional Intelligence is learning meditation. The tiny buddha blog has some ideas on meditation. I have told myself over and over that I want to learn to meditate, and I think that is the next step in my process of living a healthier more emotionally fulfilling life.

Peace,

MaryKate

The death knell: 'whatever'

67/100

Whatever.

I use that word all the time. Well, I used to. Until I really thought about the darker undertone to that word. I think I have to thank my ex for the lesson in 'whatever'.

Last night, I got 'whatever'd'. I didn't realize how upsetting it would be. Saying 'whatever' to me says, "Hey, my needs are more important than your needs." When I am trying to explain something and someone says, "Whatever" it is the single most dismissive, rude, condescending and conversation ending word they can say to me. "Whatever" is like saying to me, "Hey, your thoughts don't matter. Your thoughts can be rejected. Shut up. I don't want to listen to you anymore. This conversation is over."

Now... my sister and I joke with each other all the time and say, "Whateeeevvvaaaahhhh". But even then, even as a joke... it isn't really funny - it's snarky and unkind. It's like calling something I don't like or don't understand 'retarded' or 'gay'. Sure, some people think those words are just funny... but saying something is stupid and 'gay' or stupid and  'retarded' shows a lack of awareness about the people around me. It is a bad habit I work hard to stop, and so is saying 'whatever'. I realized last night how 'whatever' is a 'fightin' word. Go ahead, say 'whatever' to me and watch me shut down and then get angry with you. For me? The word 'whatever' is a deal breaker...

I am willing to talk with you - I want to talk with you.If you are feeling upset or overwhelmed? Tell me.

This morning, I wrote a letter to the person. I explained how it had hurt my feelings. I said that it wasn't a word that encouraged friendship. It was a word that shut down love and shut down connection.

I am all about the talking. I want to communicate and work through things. That's what friends do. Friends are willing to talk about problems. In the past? I have wanted to hide from the difficult conversations. But I've matured. I am, even when it is uncomfortable, more willing now to work through the hard stuff. Now... if the conversation is intense? Or I am feeling overwhelmed? I want and need the ability to 'safe word' out of it. But saying 'whatever' isn't that way. There are times when I need to stop and 'defrag' before I spin into anxietyville and completely shut down; you may be feeling that way as well. But tell me, don't shut me down. I will honor your needs as well. We can work through this together. I can be tired, I can be grumpy, I can be difficult - we all can. If you are frustrated by me or unhappy with me? Tell me please. Don't be passive and 'whatever' me. "Whatever" is a word of immaturity - it is a way of trying to take the 'easy' way out. Instead? Please just say to me, "MK, I can't have this conversation right now. I'm tired. I'm grumpy and we aren't communicating well. Can we just pick this up later?" or let me say that to YOU.

And the partner to whatever is? 'it's fine'. Whereas whatever dismisses the person you are talking to... it's fine dismisses yourself. Saying to someone, 'It's fine' is actually saying, "I still have feelings about this but I don't feel safe enough to tell them to you." When I am resorting to it's fine it's because I would rather dismiss my needs than to continue to be in a threatening or circular conversation that is causing me to feel a high level of discomfort. It's saying, 'Hey, my needs are less important than your needs.' I had an entire relationship where that happened. I felt pressured into conversations where I knew the only way to stop the barrage was to say "you're right" or "it's fine". That is no way to live.

So perhaps, for 2011, I'll resolve not to use whatever and it's fine. Communication is why I like having people I love in my life. It's how I grow. It's why I love the people I love. There's no whatever or it's fine about it.

Peace,

MaryKate

Lessons from Lying...

34/100

I used to lie. A lot. I lied because I thought it made things easier to manage. I lied because I thought somehow it protected me. I got very good at lying. 

I lied mostly to myself. I think when someone battles with addiction (mine was/is food) she becomes really adept at lying. I spent all my time telling myself I didn't have a problem. Hey I can quit any time. I don't NEED that hamburger, but hey... I only had a small breakfast so a double cheeseburger is okay today. 

In my late 20s, I had a moment in my life where my lying caught up with me. Everything sort of fell apart and I found myself curled into a ball on the floor trying to sort out the pieces of the mess I had made of my life and the lives of others around me. The problem with lying is after a while the lie takes on a life of its own. You have to keep lying and eventually the lie becomes more real to you than the truth. 

From that moment on, I have made the conscious effort not to lie - especially to others. For someone who is a natural storyteller, it's hard not to lie about things sometimes. The story is so much better with a little exaggeration... and I am not innocent of that. However, at 42 I see where my body is because I am not always honest with myself about what I am eating or how often I am exercising. Telling a tall tale is one thing, lying to yourself about something that is destructive to you? Is completely another. I've learned to be honest with others, but still struggle at times with being honest with myself. One of the reasons I started this blog was to keep myself accountable and hone those 'honesty with myself' skills.

The issue of lying came home to me again yesterday. Many years ago, I posted something on a website... a positive review of a friend's business that I care about. Someone else had posted an unfairly negative review and I felt like if I didn't write something positive, there would only be that bad review for everyone to see. Except instead of posting as myself? I posted as someone else. As a writer it wasn't difficult to create a whole persona that was 'close' to true, but not actually true. Until yesterday. Yesterday someone seeking advice wrote to me because of the business review I had made. I was faced full on with a crisis. Do I continue the lie? 

What I realized is that I was faced with not only losing my credibility as a person, but if I continued the facade and got caught?  I would cause my friend's business to lose credibility as well. Now, some of you might be saying, "Seriously, MK? You got all worked up over one review you posted on the internet? A review you wrote because you cared about a friend? A review you wrote that was based on truth, but wasn't actually *your* truth? Get over it."

Except lying? Eats away at integrity. I know the reasons why I lied were in my eyes, 'noble' but the results weren't. It's made me look at myself and accept that even a lie told for a 'good reason' comes back and haunts me. Not only that, but in my profession of educator, I spend a great deal of time talking to my students about lying. How can I, as a teacher, tell my students not to lie, when I don't own up to my own moments when I don't tell the truth?

In the end? I found a good way to 'fix' the situation. It was more honorable and more accurate than when I tried to 'fix' the situation on my own. I think, because I spent my life trying to 'fix' situations as quickly as possible I jumped to the 'easy' fix. I jumped to try to fix it myself instead of looking at the larger picture and finding a situation that didn't cause me to compromise my own integrity. The 'easy' fix of telling a lie doesn't end up being easy and in the long term, usually ends up being painful.

So here's a toast to the truth in all its sometimes ugly and usually difficult glory. The more I deepen my relationship with it, the fewer burdens I carry and the lighter I become.

Peace,

MaryKate

Breakin' Up is Heart to do...

5/100


I have a friend who is going through a relationship breakup. She was sure he was The One and now? Not so much. I can identify, having recently gone through my own breakup. I'm still sorting through the pieces so I suspect this entry might be a bit muddy... it's a process, right?

I'm not going to go on about why my marriage failed, but I see a similar pattern to what is happening with my friend and what happened to me. I think it's all tied up with being healthy.

I tend to put people on pedestals. High ones. When I meet someone, I think that is sort of natural. That other person is magical at first. Both of us sitting high on our pedestals holding hands across the abyss. But, due to the nature of the universe, and that little thing called gravity? People fall; pedestals break. The fall is hard; heaven knows I've gotten hurt. Hurt because the dreams and expectations I had for my relationship and the person I put on the pedestal have come crashing down into shards around me. And generally? Both people fall off their respective pedestals about the same time... so there we both are. Standing in plaster and marble and 'crap' up to our elbows.

This is where you find out what your relationship is made of... when you are standing there, in the middle of your pile of crap up to your elbows. You either look at each other, cry a little over the destroyed pedestals and rebuild a solid foundation together? Or you don't. For me? I felt like I stood in the crumbles wanting to talk about it and build upon it... and my partner was busy building another pedestal. One I didn't fit on... and hey... that's how it goes sometimes. No doubt, being down in the crumbles is hard! Who wants to hang out in the dirty air and the dust? It's much easier to hang out higher up, in the clean air...

But this summer? I spent some time in the rubble and the dust. I looked through the pieces of my pedestal and appreciated all the reasons why I had built it in the first place. The laughter, the good times. And I'd like to think I spent some time cleaning up my debris.

I'm hoping next time I meet someone? I build a pedestal that is about...ohh... knee high. High enough to adore, but not high enough to be blinding. Because, what I know? Is that I believe in love... I believe that love can last a long time - a life time in some cases. But both people involved? Have to want that. Have to want to pick up the pieces once the pedestal cracks. Have to acknowledge expectations that are unfair or unbalanced and work together to find a way to build love and a life - together. And building a more realistic image of the other person is a lot easier than trying to clean up a massive amount of shattered hopes and crushed dreams. Small pedestals ftw*.

Weirdly? I think it is healthy going through breakups. One of my dearest friends says, "there is nothing harder to get over than heartbreak" and I think that is true.  I've done some crazy things in my life trying to 'get over love' but I think I've done equally crazy things 'trying to find love'. All I know? Is that desperation is no way to find love that lasts, is healthy and solid. But when I have gone through a break up, I have almost always emerged healthier and wiser. So, while I don't advocate a relationship break-up as a way to personal enlightenment and growth, when it happens it is an opportunity to do a little housecleaning.

So, how was the end of my relationship healthy? Well, because I left a situation that wasn't nurturing, and because I was willing to spend some time working through the crap pile I carry around with me. What I'm realizing is that love is about finding myself. Being happy with who I am. Loving what makes me unique and special. Knowing those things about myself, focusing on becoming the best "MaryKate" I know how to be is incredibly powerful. It means, next time I find myself in a relationship, I can come at it without 'desperation' or overblown expectations that someone is going to 'save' me or 'worship' me or 'take care' of me. If I do all those things for myself, it's just gravy if someone comes along who also does those things! I realize we are flawed beings, and we all have our quirks and baggage - I am no exception. Heck I might be the poster child for flawed, but then, I'm not expecting perfection in myself or in a partner. Just someone who is as invested as I am in making a life together, sharing a capacity to acknowledge the needs of the other person and being willing to talk about things and work through things together.

In the meantime, I'm not expecting someone to come walking through my door and 'presto' suddenly I'm in love again and the sun is shinier and the clouds are less cloudy. I think it takes time after the end of one space in your life before diving in to another...

So I'll just spend a little more time with me - healing, laughing, crying, growing, becoming more focused on being healthy and trusting my own healing. I hope my friend does the same. If I have any advice worth anything, this is what I would tell her:  I know the heartbreak cuts you apart, but take stock in that cutting, because it might just be the best way to let go of some of that baggage, lighten up and shine all the brighter :)!!

Peace,
MaryKate

*ftw = 'for the win' to explain to my non-gaming friends: It means 'victory' or 'doing what it takes to make the team or self successful'