The Mystery of it All...
85/100
About eight years ago, I gave up believing in magic and mystery. I put those ideas away like the dreamings of little girls. I chided myself for ever thinking that sort of thing existed in the first place. I determined growing up was necessary and that meant giving up the belief in magic. Or more... giving up the possibility of magic.. of mystery. Of the Great Mystery.
I found myself getting involved with people who were also convinced that there was no great mystery. There was no god. There was death. The end. And even though a great part of me screamed out in sadness... I shoved it away behind my walls and plodded along with my 'there is no god' relationships.
But it didn't last. It couldn't. Because I do believe in something more. I realize, for me? There is no real way to know what the 'something more' means, but I believe in that connection that ties all things together. That thread that weaves and connects the story. That strand of spirit that travels back to the very beginnings and reminds us there is more.
I do not claim to know what that 'something more' is. And I do not feel the need to convince those that don't see it that way, that there is, in fact, a god. I think that is something you find on your own. You are led to that awareness. You are compelled by it. At least, that is the way it worked in my life.
But I know? I will not be without it again. And in a partner? I am not sure I can connect with someone who doesn't see it. Yes, those who do not believe are compassionate. They are kind. They are loving. One of my friends who is certain there is nothing but death, is one of the most giving, honest, trustworthy and humanitarian people I know.
But just like I realize that setting the bar on McDreamy is something I am ready to seek in my life, I also realize that although I can enjoy, befriend, laugh and love someone who is sure there is no god... I do not want to partner with someone who has that belief. Because shared connection? Is magic. A shared belief in the interconnectedness of life, of some sort of divinity that ties it all together? Is part of the Great Mystery and it is who I am. When I look at someone? I want to see that shared truth. We all have our own truth. Truth doesn't have to manifest itself the same in a partner as it manifests itself for me, but I desire a partner who connects to that space in me. Because that space is important.
And while I do not know that I can bring myself back to a structured and rigid set of beliefs, I know that the wall of defense I built that kept me away from my spirit is crumbling. I know that part of why my past relationships didn't work, is because I chose men who refused to believe in any connection to Divinity. Who had no belief in Grace. Who didn't see the world as magical or mystical. And at the time? That worked for me because I had my own issues with Grace and Divinity. These guys were scifi guys, or gameplaying guys, or comic book guys or myth-loving guys... but that is where their connection to something outside of themselves ended. They would say "there is no god" and I would concur or at least act demure.
I do not claim to have answers. I realize thinking that I somehow 'know' who/what God is for myself (and especially for someone else) is laughable. Part of the Great Mystery is that I do not know. I suppose that is what makes it faith. But I know I have a connection to that energy. And I cherish that energy and that connection. It is who I am. It is important. And it is worth seeking in myself and in a partner.
Part of my being healthy is being open to divinity and trusting the way I hear and feel god in my life. To trust in those feelings of magic and mystery is the first step in seeing myself and my connection to all there is. How that experience manifests itself? I am open to exploring. Even if that means in order to find the type of partner I seek I must let go of potential relationships to hold out for someone with whom I can share that exploration.
Peace,
MaryKate
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Sunday, September 12, 2010
ch _ _ ch... what's missing? UR
28/100
I went with my friend to church today. I haven't been to a Catholic church in many, many years. I went a couple of times in college because two of my closest friends at that time were both Catholic. I grew up Missouri Lutheran, so I pretty much knew what I was doing and all the creeds and such.
When I was younger I thought there was such mystery in a church. I remember how I loved to sit in the pews when no one else was in the church and just look at the candles. Our church was a stark one, and very conservative. But at 12, I didn't know about that sort of thing. Later on in my life I can remember wandering through Mexico loving the churches and the beauty of the stained glass and cathedrals. I felt the ancient mystery there and it was impressive to me.
I have wandered into and out of different churches since college. I had a conversation with my father once about the Power of Myth. He said to me, "Believing in God isn't a problem, believing in a personal god, you got problems." I asked him what he meant and like the most irritating koan out there, he didn't say. I railed against him. "I have a personal God", I shouted, "I have an incredible relationship with God!" He just shook his head.
Once I understood what he was trying to say, my relationship with god was never the same. First of all, I didn't even want to use the word 'god'. For a while I used "goddess" but I got frustrated at most of the 'goddess' worshipers I met. Most of them seemed to just be really pissed off "god" worshipers. They hated each other and hate wasn't what I was seeking. It seems a lot of people played the 'my god/dess is better than your god/dess' game and I got sick and tired of all of them. Wars being fought in the name of religion... trade centers crumbling and being blamed on religion... it seems like everyone had the ONE RIGHT WAY... and no one knew how to listen to each other anymore, unless you purchased with your soul their ONE RIGHT WAY bumper sticker.
I tried a more 'humanitarian' church. Unitarian Universalist. It was a good fit for a while... but their all out refusal to use the word god started to irritate me as well. I didn't want to get RID of divinity in my life, I just wanted a way to touch it again...
Then I went through a big existential crisis. There I was... the woman who for all of her life had this amazing relationship with divinity, not even knowing how to pray anymore. Not even liking the word prayer. This time in my life was the most difficult time ever. I felt outside of myself. I had been studying myths so much I couldn't see the forest for the trees. How could I believe ANYTHING??? The stories were beautiful, but all the magic of the myth were lost.
I'd say the last five years of my life have been lost. I have felt outside of myself and my spirituality.
But lately I have felt more myself than I have in a long time. I feel connected again to the magic that is life. I still try to avoid the word "god" or "goddess" or any name to a concept that is beyond my capacity to name it or define it. The minute you start to define you get religion and clearly.. I have some issues with those...
I realized today, I won't be going back to any form of rigid dogma again. Today? I couldn't even see the beauty of the mystery. I just felt so angry with all the talk of sin and guilt. I wanted to walk out of the church when a woman got up and said how proud she was that she was picketing the Planned Parenthood in Everett. I know people who use that Planned Parenthood, that organization does a great deal more than the one thing she felt it was her duty to prevent.
But I am wretched? I am sin? I am an unworthy sinner in the eyes of their god? I couldn't even enjoy the singing today because I kept listening to the words of the music, the sermon and the messages. I could barely get through "Amazing Grace" which used to be one of my favorites. In all fairness, I wasn't brought up Catholic, but Missouri Lutheran is similar in many many ways. The whole service didn't work for me and it truly bothered me. In the past I could sit and appreciate the faith of others. I could have heard the talk about the poor and how it is our job to minister to the poor and enjoyed it. But not today. Today I couldn't get past the message of guilt and sin and how much I felt that the words that were said were one thing and the actions were quite another. I realized the days when I could just go and sit in a church and soak up the mystery of the experience are over.
Then I went to Deception Pass (the irony of the name is not lost on me). My friend walked around while I sat and stared at the ocean. The smell of the water, the gulls, the breeze, the beauty... I felt closer to my spirit than I have in a long time. It was renewing. It was affirming. It was magical.
So in the end, I am grateful for today. I'm not going to lie, I am frustrated that others want to tell me how to believe. I do not think I'll ever be able to join a group again that insists I need a mediator between me and the Divine. I do not need my understanding of divinity to be personal. But I need a connection. And I apologize now if I am coming off as saying that religion is bad. I do not think it is. What doesn't work for me, is a specific form of structured religion that may very work for someone else.
I think faith is beautiful. You seek what makes your heart sing and live that. My issue comes when you tell me that how I see Divinity is somehow wrong or flawed or 'sinful'. Heck you can even believe that if you want, I'm not going to tell you how to believe... even how you believe about me. But for the love of your faith, please don't force me to see things your way. Don't take away my choice to believe how I wish to believe. As long as my way of seeing divinity doesn't take away your rights to see divinity how you want to see it? We'll get along just fine.
I do believe in mystery and magic. And I can see the deeper message in the word both written and spoken. And I may call my connection God, or Goddess or god or goddess. I may quote from Jesus, or Buddha, or Confucius. I may meditate, pray, do shamanic journeying or sit quietly by the beach and feel the earth between my toes. Those are my ways of connecting. And I can barely begin to tell you how glad I am to be feeling them again.
It is good to be back.
Peace,
MaryKate
28/100
I went with my friend to church today. I haven't been to a Catholic church in many, many years. I went a couple of times in college because two of my closest friends at that time were both Catholic. I grew up Missouri Lutheran, so I pretty much knew what I was doing and all the creeds and such.
When I was younger I thought there was such mystery in a church. I remember how I loved to sit in the pews when no one else was in the church and just look at the candles. Our church was a stark one, and very conservative. But at 12, I didn't know about that sort of thing. Later on in my life I can remember wandering through Mexico loving the churches and the beauty of the stained glass and cathedrals. I felt the ancient mystery there and it was impressive to me.
I have wandered into and out of different churches since college. I had a conversation with my father once about the Power of Myth. He said to me, "Believing in God isn't a problem, believing in a personal god, you got problems." I asked him what he meant and like the most irritating koan out there, he didn't say. I railed against him. "I have a personal God", I shouted, "I have an incredible relationship with God!" He just shook his head.
Once I understood what he was trying to say, my relationship with god was never the same. First of all, I didn't even want to use the word 'god'. For a while I used "goddess" but I got frustrated at most of the 'goddess' worshipers I met. Most of them seemed to just be really pissed off "god" worshipers. They hated each other and hate wasn't what I was seeking. It seems a lot of people played the 'my god/dess is better than your god/dess' game and I got sick and tired of all of them. Wars being fought in the name of religion... trade centers crumbling and being blamed on religion... it seems like everyone had the ONE RIGHT WAY... and no one knew how to listen to each other anymore, unless you purchased with your soul their ONE RIGHT WAY bumper sticker.
I tried a more 'humanitarian' church. Unitarian Universalist. It was a good fit for a while... but their all out refusal to use the word god started to irritate me as well. I didn't want to get RID of divinity in my life, I just wanted a way to touch it again...
Then I went through a big existential crisis. There I was... the woman who for all of her life had this amazing relationship with divinity, not even knowing how to pray anymore. Not even liking the word prayer. This time in my life was the most difficult time ever. I felt outside of myself. I had been studying myths so much I couldn't see the forest for the trees. How could I believe ANYTHING??? The stories were beautiful, but all the magic of the myth were lost.
I'd say the last five years of my life have been lost. I have felt outside of myself and my spirituality.
But lately I have felt more myself than I have in a long time. I feel connected again to the magic that is life. I still try to avoid the word "god" or "goddess" or any name to a concept that is beyond my capacity to name it or define it. The minute you start to define you get religion and clearly.. I have some issues with those...
I realized today, I won't be going back to any form of rigid dogma again. Today? I couldn't even see the beauty of the mystery. I just felt so angry with all the talk of sin and guilt. I wanted to walk out of the church when a woman got up and said how proud she was that she was picketing the Planned Parenthood in Everett. I know people who use that Planned Parenthood, that organization does a great deal more than the one thing she felt it was her duty to prevent.
But I am wretched? I am sin? I am an unworthy sinner in the eyes of their god? I couldn't even enjoy the singing today because I kept listening to the words of the music, the sermon and the messages. I could barely get through "Amazing Grace" which used to be one of my favorites. In all fairness, I wasn't brought up Catholic, but Missouri Lutheran is similar in many many ways. The whole service didn't work for me and it truly bothered me. In the past I could sit and appreciate the faith of others. I could have heard the talk about the poor and how it is our job to minister to the poor and enjoyed it. But not today. Today I couldn't get past the message of guilt and sin and how much I felt that the words that were said were one thing and the actions were quite another. I realized the days when I could just go and sit in a church and soak up the mystery of the experience are over.
Then I went to Deception Pass (the irony of the name is not lost on me). My friend walked around while I sat and stared at the ocean. The smell of the water, the gulls, the breeze, the beauty... I felt closer to my spirit than I have in a long time. It was renewing. It was affirming. It was magical.
So in the end, I am grateful for today. I'm not going to lie, I am frustrated that others want to tell me how to believe. I do not think I'll ever be able to join a group again that insists I need a mediator between me and the Divine. I do not need my understanding of divinity to be personal. But I need a connection. And I apologize now if I am coming off as saying that religion is bad. I do not think it is. What doesn't work for me, is a specific form of structured religion that may very work for someone else.
I think faith is beautiful. You seek what makes your heart sing and live that. My issue comes when you tell me that how I see Divinity is somehow wrong or flawed or 'sinful'. Heck you can even believe that if you want, I'm not going to tell you how to believe... even how you believe about me. But for the love of your faith, please don't force me to see things your way. Don't take away my choice to believe how I wish to believe. As long as my way of seeing divinity doesn't take away your rights to see divinity how you want to see it? We'll get along just fine.
I do believe in mystery and magic. And I can see the deeper message in the word both written and spoken. And I may call my connection God, or Goddess or god or goddess. I may quote from Jesus, or Buddha, or Confucius. I may meditate, pray, do shamanic journeying or sit quietly by the beach and feel the earth between my toes. Those are my ways of connecting. And I can barely begin to tell you how glad I am to be feeling them again.
It is good to be back.
Peace,
MaryKate
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