Back at it

115

So, here I am. Back at it. Sometimes, I feel like I am on a perpetual, pointless wheel. Try to get healthier, fail at getting healthier, get back up. Dust off. Try to get healthier, fail at getting healthier, get back up. You get the idea.

This summer I am determined to do 3 things.

1) Be more mindful of my health.

2) Be more mindful of my finances.

3) Be more mindful of my Self.

Short list. Lots of drama and shame with the first two. And a new attempt at better self-care with the third one. I am working one day a week this summer. Not even a full day. A half day. Now is the time for me to make some adjustments in my life and dedicate myself to following them for the next two months. Small changes and being more mindful. I don't feel overwhelmed, I feel focused. And I'm posting so I can come back to this page and remember the clarity in this moment.

1) Be more mindful of my health.
Goal number one is a 2 parter. Part one is that I am walking the dog every day. Started out today with 1.5 miles. I hope to be up to five miles by the end of the summer. Certainly not a huge goal and not unreasonable. I am also considering getting a personal trainer to help me, but right now, financially that isn't really possible. *See goal number two. If I just do my walking, and throw in some biking this summer, that should be enough. I am the classic example of over-estimating what I can do, failing and then giving up. I'm going to focus on one or two things I can do without needing anyone to monitor me. I am however, thinking about a fitband. Mostly because I have heard good things about them. However, seeing as the whole point of goal number two is to be more financially responsible, I'm going to wait a while before I get one - if I get one. I have some apps on my phone that will do perfectly well for my current needs.

Part two of the first goal, is to be mindful of the food I put into my body. Yes, there will be days I don't eat so well, but in general: smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and a lean, healthy dinner. That doesn't seem ridiculous. If I can get in the routine of eating smart this summer, I want to believe that when my life is more stressful this winter and I am back at work, I can stay mindful about my eating because 'stress eating' won't be my norm. I'm also hoping to find some recipes that are easy, so when I get home and I am exhausted, I don't have to cook a full meal. Having tried to tackle biting my nails for 20 years, I recognize how difficult it is to rework ingrained behavior. Not to mention the chemical addiction to food that I've used my whole life to numb my senses and take the edge off anxiety. With better regulated exercise, I am hoping I can manage anxiety in a more healthy way. 

2) Be more mindful of my finances.
Ugh. I don't even like to put this on my blog. Believe it or not, it is way more shameful to me than my eating issues. I have a terrible relationship with money. I'd like to change that this summer. While I don't spend money recklessly or irresponsibly, I do spend money mindlessly. I want to be more mindful of what I spend, when I spend it and how I spend it. Starting with eliminating eating out simply because I am too tired to cook. *See goal number one. It's all circular - wheels in wheels. If I regulate my finances better? I will be automatically regulating my health better. While my finances certainly aren't an A#1 disaster, I'd like to not *be* in a disaster zone in order to live my life. I am one of the millions of paycheck to paycheck people. I certainly make enough money to support myself and my child, but it is time for me to be more mindful of not only this moment, but to think about future expenses and responsibly save for them. Having no savings is terrifying, and it is time for me to rethink how I see money and my relationship with it. Not to mention eliminating the shame of feeling irresponsible. Being more mindful will help not only my finances, but my self-esteem in terms of how I see myself. 

3) Be more mindful of my Self.
I am a giver. I remember I used to tell people I knew who were givers to be careful, or they would give themselves away. I do not feel like I have given myself away. I do, however, recognize that it is time for me to put myself first. On Shark Tank, I remember one of the entrepreneurs saying, "Pay yourself, first. THEN invest in your company." I need to pay myself first. And I need to be okay with doing that. Most of the time, I put my daughter or my boyfriend or my family or my job or my friends or or or before myself. If I just 'give' enough, people will think I am worthy of being loved. Another old pattern I have to eliminate. I am working to understand how to balance the needs of those I love, with the needs of my own Self. Goal one and two are good ways to start putting myself first, but I also know that it is more than just being healthy and financially secure. I need to remember to take time for myself. To find my joy and allow myself to feel it. I want to write this summer. To read this summer. To spend time alone as well as with others. I want to finish the novel I am working on, if for no other reason than I want to know how it ends! 

All of these goals imply taking a more active role in my own life. Owning my life choices and moving forward with them. 

I don't have some 'perfect' weight in my head, or 'perfect' amount of money saved, or 'perfect' day created in my head. I am evolving. It's a process. I sort of see it as there is no failing. I haven't set up these goals with failing in mind. Instead, I am investing in a process. One to help me be more present and mindful in my life.

I'll try to post once a week to keep up to date on how I am doing. I truly appreciate all of your support, love and your continued belief that real change can happen and that new ways of thinking and being are possible. 

Beginnings, Endings, Beginnings...

100/100

So here it is - 100 out of 100. Goal? Met. Do I feel healthier? Yes, I suppose I do. Am I fifty pounds thinner? Alas... not so much. I am not sure being 'thinner' was ever my goal but I do feel like I have come through a difficult year stronger and more sure of myself. So I count the first 100 blogs a 'win'. People have told me they have enjoyed reading it and that means a lot to me, but really, the thing that makes me most happy is how much I have enjoyed writing it. I am glad that people read and respond to what I write, but the willingness to write and process what it means to me to be healthy has been incredible. It took me about one year to write 100 blogs... I started Aug. 16 2010. I'm both anxious and excited about the upcoming year and what's ahead in my life, in this blog and in the new one I am starting (more about that in a bit)...

I've decided to make a top five list of my favorite blog posts from the 100. Perhaps in the comments you can list some of your favorite? Then? Let's talk about the future :).

5. The blog where I realize I like myself:  http://mkweighout.blogspot.com/2011/06/well-who-is-that-lovely-lady-94100.html even though I feel like my life has gotten more complicated lately, I realize this understanding of who I am is still my center.

4. My second blog post about feeling like the little lunch boxes I was using wasn't enough food: http://mkweighout.blogspot.com/2010/08/lunch-lessons-2100-if-i-had-written.html it was really eye opening to me.

3. My thoughts on 'home': http://mkweighout.blogspot.com/2010/12/home-again-home-again-jiggedy-jig-64100.html although people didn't leave comments on my blog, they left a lot of comments on my facebook page. This idea of what 'home' means to me and to others really touched a lot of people. I never know what topics I write about will mean something to others... I was really surprised about this one, but pleasantly so.

2. My letter to my goddaughter: http://mkweighout.blogspot.com/2010/09/letter-to-my-goddaughter.html
I loved this entry, I loved writing it and remember what it was like when I learned Santa wasn't real...

1.  My very first blog: http://mkweighout.blogspot.com/2010/08/it-took-me-three-days-to-try-to-find_16.html  I was so nervous and worried no one would want to read it. And I would run out of things to say... clearly neither of those things happened, but I like the enthusiasm and humor of the first blog post.

Now? What's next. First, I plan on continuing this blog. I will likely start it back up full time in September. In August, I will be writing in a new blog called Open Road: Open Heart -  http://openroadopenheart.blogspot.com/
This will be the story of what my best friend, her two kids, her cousin and I do on our big "ROAD TRIP" this summer. This trip is especially important because it is time together we may not have again.

Some people have asked me if they can 'donate' to the trip this summer. At first I balked at the idea, but as the expenses for all of us to go, plus gas and wanting to go to the parks and and and add up, I realized if people wanted to feel part of the party, I should put away my pride and create a link. If you'd like to donate? Wonderful. If you can't and just want to donate prayers and even ideas, you can leave them on the new blog.

https://www.wepay.com/x175ggd/donate/123379



It has been a wonderful journey for the first 100 entries. I'm looking very much forward to the next 100. Much love to all of you!

Peace,

MaryKate

CRISIS!!!

80/100
My fortune today read: "You will be made strong by adversity."

Luckily? For once? I am not in crisis. *whew* I think I have had enough of those over the last two years. I'm ready to relax a bit from crisis mode.

However, someone I love a great deal is in crisis. And I know there is nothing I can really do to help. Being in the midst of crisis makes it difficult to see the world outside of the crisis. And as much as it can seem like it, crisis isn't the end of the world. It's from my moments of crisis, I have tested my mettle. Although it is often an 'end' that brings on a crisis, crisis can also be the crucible for a new beginning.

Crisis presents itself in my life as an opportunity for me to grow, to conquer fears, to push on. I hit that point in a situation where I am forced to make choice. Sometimes? I stay or I go, I choose to love or to leave, I break or I bend... but I go forward. Luckily, I have never broken. I remember in one particularly poignant crisis I thought I was broken. I was in my mid twenties and got a phone call that crushed me. I remember I curled up under the kitchen table at my parents house and started crying... well... sobbing is more accurate. My mother was still alive at the time. My poor father was beside himself. I could hear him in the living room - although it sounded to me like he was speaking to mom through layers and layers of water. He said to my mom, "Wanda, what do we do?" and my mom was silent for a moment and I remember hearing her say, "We let her cry, Bob. Just let her be." It was one of those times, when only a mother really understands. And I loved my mom for that moment. And I did stay under that table until I felt cried out. But? As much as I thought I was broken, that my spirit was crushed? Turned out, it wasn't. And not only did I survive, but I realized I was grateful for the experience because I *knew* I had the capacity to love. Deeply. It may not have worked out the way that I hoped, but even in that moment when I felt so completely crushed? I wasn't broken.

I think that is part of what happens when I go into crisis. I find myself questioning my very core. But the key to surviving and emerging stronger from the situation, is learning to own what part of the crisis I am responsible for, and what part of the crisis I am NOT responsible for. For so long? When I was in crisis? I was sure it was ALL my fault. I had f*ed up. I had made stupid choices. I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, compassionate enough, kind enough, courageous enough... It was all me. But with each crisis in my life that I have navigated through? I have realized I *am* enough. I am all those 'enoughs'. Often crisis involved more than just me. But to navigate a crisis together, both people have to be willing to look at their share of the crisis. Both people have to be able to say, "Okay... I can own my share of this situation." And if it is a crisis of faith? Well, I don't suppose I can expect "God" to own any share of my crisis, but I can look inside and seek my own understanding of my faith and how I see the world and God usually has very little to do with a crisis of faith. Those usually have much more human hands and beliefs clouding my connection...

And a word about prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. It isn't essential for anyone to agree with me. But my experience has shown me that there is something powerful about prayer when I am in crisis. However, I have learned not to pray for the outcome *I* think should happen. I suppose that is partly what 'faith' is... to make the best decision I know how to make in the situation and then have to courage to face the outcome of my crisis - whatever that may be. My father is about to go into neck surgery in two weeks. It makes me nervous. But I don't get to tell God what *is* going to happen. I can however, ask God for the strength to get through what *does* happen. And I don't think there is a thing wrong with hoping that everything goes smoothly and easily with a minimal amount of suffering possible.

In the end? Crisis sucks. The experience is painful, feels overwhelming and leads to feelings of desperation and at times, self derision. But I have found that each crisis I have had to navigate through, I have come out the other side a stronger, more loving, compassionate person. Crisis reminds me I am alive. It isn't by any means 'fun' and it can take months... even years to fully emerge from crisis, but in the end? The crises in my life have unquestionably been a benefit to my growth as a human being.

I think it is healthy to be humbled by crisis. It is healthy when I am reminded I don't have the answers. It seems that when I finally let go of trying to control my crisis and accept that I don't have the answers? I find them.

Peace,

MaryKate

Something's Wrong...

69/100

When I was in high school, there was only one thing I truly ever wanted. Well, besides a boyfriend and to like myself. More than anything I wanted to be in our show choir. I had zero self confidence and I could be difficult to get along with. I had a few good friends, but mostly the other kids were okay to me, or they were horribly cruel. Either way, the one thing I always thought I had going for me, was my singing voice. I could sing two and a half octaves. I had clear pitch. I had (and I would like to say, still have) talent. And more than anything, I wanted to be in show choir. Somehow I felt that if I was in show choir I would be 'okay'. It would somehow make me feel like I belonged somewhere. It would make me part of a group of people I admired. I think it made me think I would be special. Anyhow, I auditioned with the idea that it was a forgone conclusion. I auditioned knowing there really wasn't anyone with a better voice or better attitude for show choir. I was a Gleek before anyone even knew what Gleek meant!

My audition was awesome. I hit every note, smiled, showed my enthusiasm. I pretty much worshipped the woman I was auditioning for... and at that time, I still believed that life was fair. I had talent, therefore I would make it. When she posted the list of people who made the show choir and my name wasn't on it? I was... well... crushed is kind of an understatement. I went to her office, determined to be 'okay' with it. I asked her why. And? She said all kinds of platitudes. She fed me lines like, "You don't blend very well. Your voice is too loud." I didn't understand. I was first alto. I HAD TALENT. Damn it. But I started sobbing. I couldn't stop - and I had this vague feeling that something was wrong. That something wasn't true. That I was being lied to.

As I am a teacher now, it must have been so hard for her to watch me cry like that. I want to think that anyhow. I want to still think that about her. I don't want to think that her image was more important than the devastated child in front of her.

I went home. My dad knew how excited I had been about show choir. He asked me how it went. I started crying again. I told him I didn't make it. I told him what she had said. And in a moment that changed my life forever, he gently, but clearly said, "Honey, it has nothing to do with your voice. You didn't get in because you are fat."

"NO!" I screamed. "She isn't like that!! She TOLD me it was because of my voice!" I screamed at him that he just didn't understand. I think I accused him of lying. My dad realized it was a losing argument and just said in that wonderful but slightly condescending voice, "Okay, honey."

But I knew he was right. It was like a lightbulb exploded in my head. I went back to school the next day and watched the rehearsals for show choir and pretended everything was fine. But I knew something was wrong. I knew I had been lied to. I was never able to shake that feeling. I'm not sure I ever really got past it. It has given me a pretty high bullshit meter. Ask my students, they'll tell you. They often *think* I buy their stories about dogs and homework, but they know and *I* know... BS is BS.

Today, when I start to feel that "something is wrong" feeling, I've learned to trust that on some level I  know something isn't right. I'm probably being lied to or more accurately, either I am being inauthentic or someone around me is. Something doesn't 'feel' right. The problem isn't recognizing something is wrong, the problem is figuring out exactly what that 'wrong' piece is. Part of the problem is that often the lying isn't intentional. The other person perhaps believes what he or she is saying. But the net result is that feeling that 'something is off base. Something is wrong..."

Without going into too much private detail, toward the end of my previous relationship, I had that feeling. I couldn't put my finger on what was 'wrong' but I knew something was.  I was crying a lot, I was frustrated. I was in therapy. I had all these pieces but none of them gelled. I had the frame of the puzzle but no box to guide me in putting together the image. Then, one day my best friend, in one succinct sentence said more or less to me, "MK, what you are describing isn't friendship, it's dating!" and all the issues going on in my situation became clear. It was the reality I didn't want to see. That the person I was with was dating... but it wasn't *me*. The same thing happened the next time I got into a relationship. I was sooo invested and then I had another one of those... 'something is wrong' feelings. This time? I had, without the feedback from friend or father, a shining moment of clarity that I could not doubt or look back on. It was only a month later when I was proved correct and the relationship ended.

It seems like once I establish that something is wrong then have that 'ah-ha' moment, I can't pretend I don't see. It is clear and it is a light bulb moment from which I can't turn back. The stark truth. Unsweetned. Bitter. Unavoidable.

I'm having one of those moments in my life again. A feeling that something is 'wrong'. I both dread the moment of knowing and ache for it to show up. That moment when I can't look back and pretend I don't know what's wrong. But I don't know what is worse - knowing that I am about to have one of those moments, or when the moment actually arrives and I say to myself... "oohhhh... crap. That hurts, but now I know the truth of it. THAT's what I am feeling!"

As painful as that moment in high school was, it forged who I am. It taught me to trust that 'something is wrong' feeling. To figure out how to slice through the bullshit to find the authentic self and the (often painful) truth of things. I still lie to myself at times. I think we all do. But as hard as the truth is to hear, I have learned to honor it and respect it - even when it isn't what I want to do.

Honoring my truth is healthy, even when it hurts. Trusting that voice (even when I'd rather ignore it and hide under the covers of my new, comfy bed) takes courage. I'm glad I have people in my life that hold me up and remind me that healthy? Isn't always easy.

Peace,

MaryKate

The death knell: 'whatever'

67/100

Whatever.

I use that word all the time. Well, I used to. Until I really thought about the darker undertone to that word. I think I have to thank my ex for the lesson in 'whatever'.

Last night, I got 'whatever'd'. I didn't realize how upsetting it would be. Saying 'whatever' to me says, "Hey, my needs are more important than your needs." When I am trying to explain something and someone says, "Whatever" it is the single most dismissive, rude, condescending and conversation ending word they can say to me. "Whatever" is like saying to me, "Hey, your thoughts don't matter. Your thoughts can be rejected. Shut up. I don't want to listen to you anymore. This conversation is over."

Now... my sister and I joke with each other all the time and say, "Whateeeevvvaaaahhhh". But even then, even as a joke... it isn't really funny - it's snarky and unkind. It's like calling something I don't like or don't understand 'retarded' or 'gay'. Sure, some people think those words are just funny... but saying something is stupid and 'gay' or stupid and  'retarded' shows a lack of awareness about the people around me. It is a bad habit I work hard to stop, and so is saying 'whatever'. I realized last night how 'whatever' is a 'fightin' word. Go ahead, say 'whatever' to me and watch me shut down and then get angry with you. For me? The word 'whatever' is a deal breaker...

I am willing to talk with you - I want to talk with you.If you are feeling upset or overwhelmed? Tell me.

This morning, I wrote a letter to the person. I explained how it had hurt my feelings. I said that it wasn't a word that encouraged friendship. It was a word that shut down love and shut down connection.

I am all about the talking. I want to communicate and work through things. That's what friends do. Friends are willing to talk about problems. In the past? I have wanted to hide from the difficult conversations. But I've matured. I am, even when it is uncomfortable, more willing now to work through the hard stuff. Now... if the conversation is intense? Or I am feeling overwhelmed? I want and need the ability to 'safe word' out of it. But saying 'whatever' isn't that way. There are times when I need to stop and 'defrag' before I spin into anxietyville and completely shut down; you may be feeling that way as well. But tell me, don't shut me down. I will honor your needs as well. We can work through this together. I can be tired, I can be grumpy, I can be difficult - we all can. If you are frustrated by me or unhappy with me? Tell me please. Don't be passive and 'whatever' me. "Whatever" is a word of immaturity - it is a way of trying to take the 'easy' way out. Instead? Please just say to me, "MK, I can't have this conversation right now. I'm tired. I'm grumpy and we aren't communicating well. Can we just pick this up later?" or let me say that to YOU.

And the partner to whatever is? 'it's fine'. Whereas whatever dismisses the person you are talking to... it's fine dismisses yourself. Saying to someone, 'It's fine' is actually saying, "I still have feelings about this but I don't feel safe enough to tell them to you." When I am resorting to it's fine it's because I would rather dismiss my needs than to continue to be in a threatening or circular conversation that is causing me to feel a high level of discomfort. It's saying, 'Hey, my needs are less important than your needs.' I had an entire relationship where that happened. I felt pressured into conversations where I knew the only way to stop the barrage was to say "you're right" or "it's fine". That is no way to live.

So perhaps, for 2011, I'll resolve not to use whatever and it's fine. Communication is why I like having people I love in my life. It's how I grow. It's why I love the people I love. There's no whatever or it's fine about it.

Peace,

MaryKate

An ode to organic and my mom...

42/100

I get my eggs from a family across the street. The yolks are deep orange. The chickens run around their yard. I don't even know if they have a coop. Yesterday? When I picked up my eggs, one of the shells was blue. The rest were a variety of crazy sizes and shades of brown shells with chicken dirt on them and hay. Honestly? If you made me an egg from some farm factory horror farm where chickens have their beaks cut and their legs grow into the wire mesh cages, I can't say I would know. Taste wise? These organic eggs taste similar to factory ones. You can tell the difference in the yolks because the yolks are rich and a bit larger than store bought eggs. Factory chickens are force-fed corn, grain and feed full of other dead chickens. I'm not even exaggerating. However, those pristine white eggs fry up like the organic ones I pick up from next door. Except the factory eggs cost about $1.85 a dozen. The  organic ones  across the street? Cost me $4. And I will pay it. Because those chickens? Roam around happily clucking and being chickens. 

Somewhere in the 1950s our country decided tv dinners and drive thru restaurants were awesome! Cool! The food of the future. A lot of people have made movies about it like "Food, Inc", and written books like "the Omnivore's Dilemma" so I'll spare you a full on lecture. All I know is that whenever I am able,  I choose organic if I can afford it. It's criminal that food raised organically is more expensive than factory food, but then, we pay for that cheaper food in so many ways... but I'm really trying not to lecture in this blog. I'm sharing my own issues with organic food. Sometimes I can't justify the expense of organic, but when I can? I do.

And while I might not be able to tell the difference between the organic egg and the factory egg all scrambled up, and while I eat factory eggs and other food when I go out to breakfast or dinner, there is something to be said about knowing where my food comes from. I *like* knowing who is feeding the animals I am choosing to eat, how the animals I am choosing to eat are treated and slaughtered. I try not to eat or buy from a factory system because they have taken away 'seasons' for fruits and vegetables, they've created 'monster' chickens with breasts so big the chickens can't walk because their breasts grow so rapidly they never learn to balance on their tiny legs, they've genetically modified corn to the point where it is almost impossible to get unaltered corn and because every dollar I give them is support for a non-sustainable way of living that will tear apart our culture.The worst part about it, is that they control the media to the point where they even control many of the organic labelled products and use guilt to 'convince' me that it is 'wise' to spend more on organic food that isn't organic! It's hard navigating shopping sometimes. It's why I love farmer's markets. Sadly, those aren't as common once October hits...

I don't know what it is going to take to find a more sustainable way of living. To knock us out of our plastic covered, boneless, hermetically sealed packages of food that somewhat resemble meat. In most cases? It is meat from cows from all over the world. Look on your package. If you buy ground beef? There is a good chance if you aren't buying from someone like "Laura's Lean Ground Beef" that beef is from Australia, Mexico, South America and *maybe* the US. I guess I can only start with myself.

Each day and each choice I make about what I am eating gives me the opportunity to live a more sustainable life. No, I can't always eat organically. But I can choose, when possible, restaurants that serve organic meat. I can also choose to eat less meat and pay more for organic meat when I do buy it. I can also, next year, start a garden. And who knows... maybe after the winter? I'll get my own chickens and let them wander around my yard... 

My mother used to have a huge garden. She'd grow all kinds of fruits and vegetables and can them or freeze them. We'd enjoy the benefits all winter long. I sit here tonight admiring my mom in so many ways. And tonight? I miss her just a little. Because I have to learn all these things on my own and I can't call her and ask her how. Luckily, I have her notes and her cookbooks. Now... if I just had her green thumb.

Peace,

MaryKate

Best damn chicken house in the Pacific Northwest!!
That's my house. In case I wasn't being clear...

41/100

I was going to write about walking a little over a mile today (for the second day in a row) and then swimming and then doing resistance exercises on my arms in the pool. How good it made me feel, etc.

Then? I came home and made the best damn chicken I have *ever* eaten. Seriously. THE BEST. Of course recipe and info to follow (mostly because I want to make you all jealous and show once again that damn it, I'm cool *lol*)

Okay I started with an organic chicken. I set it out about 3 o'clock for an estimated 4:30 pm grilling. At 1:00 I put on some organic spelt/flax, sesame seed bread to bake. I love my bread maker and I have been making a loaf a week. It lasts me all week, is pretty inexpensive and adding the flax and sesame seeds tonight really kicked it up - yum! Plus my neighbor has organic chicken eggs... so LIFE IS GOOD! (insert grin here)

About 4pm I lighted the grill. This is where the story breaks down. I did NOT have that grill ready until 6:00. Seriously. I can't seem to navigate fire in the big green egg or in my fireplace... *lol* I digress. I did finally get the grill at about 325 sometimes around 5:45. The grill was supposed to be 350, but it didn't matter to the chicken. I did direct grilling instead of indirect, so they cooked pretty quickly. What is 'they' you may ask? "They" is my spatchcocked (well really half spatchcocked) chicken. I'd have put in photos of the whole thing, but this guy? Already did. No need to repeat. However, I went farther than this guy did. I also removed the cartilage between the breasts and cut my chicken exactly in half. Trimmed off the excess fat and got out my nucoa (I don't do dairy if I can help it) and made sure both halves of the chicken were dry. I then put butter on both halves and a little under the skin on both breasts. I will say that I didn't use that much butter, maybe a tablespoon on each side. I then dusted both sides and the bottoms with Poultry Seasoning (which was simply amazing) and Butt Rub!I love butt rub above all other seasonings as it has no sugar in it! YUM!!!

I had no idea this was going to turn out so well so I have no 'before' photos of me spatchcocking the chicken or of how it looked before I put it on the grill... but *this* is what it looked like after 45 minutes of cooking and not ONCE opening the lid. The internal thermometer measured 160 in the breast and 180 in the thigh *exactly*. I turned it over for about 1 minute to crisp up the skin then realized it was unnecessary as the skin was already crisp and removed the two halves from the heat. Look at those pretty red coals glowing under the chicken... *drool*

ohhh pretty!

all crispy and juicy!

other side

all plated up!Oh wait... is that organic CORN from the farmer's market I see? Why yes, yes it is...

mmmm  homemade spelt/flax/sesame bread fresh out of the breadmaker!

dessert... organic marshmallow with dark chocolate and organic graham crackers!

ohh look at you, you beautiful, crispy perfectness!

Um. YUM. Seriously this is the best chicken I have ever eaten. It had a smoky flavor, but the skin was crispy, the meat was incredibly juicy and fell off the bone. The bottom carmelized perfectly and without all the extra bones, the chicken was just beautiful and easy to eat.

Super healthy! Super tasty and low in calories. Yay me! AND I exercised today. My goal is to exercise every day for the next 10 days. Doesn't have to be anything crazy, BUT I have this new iPhone app.. I am LOVING it! It's called iTreadmill and it is fantastic. It measures every step, tells me how many calories I've burned, how fast I've walked, how many steps I've taken and the distance I covered in the time I walked. I really like it!

So happy Sunday night to you all! I'm beat! Gonna put away my leftovers for bento tomorrow and going to sleep early. One of my resolutions has been to get into bed by 10... I'm doing pretty well with it... It makes such a huge difference in how I feel the next day!

Peace

MaryKate

Job Opening (due to recent retirement): She-Ra Champion of the High Road 

25/100

To forgive or not to forgive, that is what I struggle with. Lately, I feel more and more like I am clinging to the high road with bloodied fingernails. Everything that I have learned implies it is essential to take the high road. To rise above and to forgive. However, a very small (albeit powerful) dark part of myself just wants to tear out eyeballs...

and step on them.

Weirdly? I think I want to tear out mine.

I've tried taking deep breaths because breathing deeply is supposed to fix this sort of thing.

It helps

until I breathe out again.

Sometimes, I feel like I have my feet solidly on the high road. Heck, I've got a roadmap helping others along. I'm a walking freaking billboard of "I've got it all figured out - ness." I'm beyond mere mortal. I'm She-Ra, Champion of the High Road.

There is a saying in 12 step programs - 'fake it until you make it'. In this case? That's just about the worst advice I could possibly take. Because until I truly deal with why I feel like I am barely holding on to the high road in the first place, it's worse than simply bad advice. It's a baldfaced lie I'm telling to myself. Every time I force myself to say, "Hey, all is forgiven, all is peace. All is good. I am just a 'being of Love' and I want everyone to be happy." I dig myself into the lie all the deeper. And really, if just typing those words makes me want to throw up? There's a good chance chanting to myself that "I'm okay, you're okay" isn't a solution.

I grew up in a house where we were supposed to pretend bad things didn't happen. We ignored the elephant in the middle of the living room. We looked the other way and hid every uncomfortable feeling before anyone saw us *not* being perfect. We never admitted to feeling betrayed or abandoned or pushed aside. We didn't discuss feelings of worthlessness or shame. Those concepts? Those dark places? Were hung on the elephant like so many bells and decorations. And even as that elephant grew, we just learned to dance around it more skillfully.

I'm not feeling skillful or graceful now. And part of my issue is that my inability to maintain a peaceful existence on the high road is because I have a lifetime of forcing myself to walk there all 'noble' without ever examining  the foundation of the road. I'm pretty sure that high road is built on elephant dung.

So, hey, right now? I can't quite manage the high road in a few situations in my life. I'm not going to throw mud and I am not going to sink down into the muck. In general, I'm a relatively upbeat and positive person. However, I'm giving myself permission to give my fingernails a rest. I might just have to drop off the high road and try that 'middle' path I've heard so much about.

I wonder if by walking that middle path for a while and truly recognizing when I feel abandoned, hurt, unappreciated and frustrated, I can learn to navigate those emotions more successfully. I have a feeling that middle ground I've heard about so often just might be the true high road. Not the 'high road' where I sacrifice who I am and what my needs are in order to keep the peace and keep everyone happy, nor the low road where I just rail against those who done me wrong (like a good country song), but the middle road created by taking care of myself and being honest about how I am feeling.

I guess it isn't about the high, middle or low road at all. Maybe what I am learning is how to take the 'healthy' road. (which doesn't make a nearly as good country song...:)

Peace,

MaryKate

Rainy Days and Mondays...


22/100


It's rainy today. Yes, I'm the crazy one that loves rainy days. My house is silent. No tv, no music on the radio. Princess Kitteh next to me. The trees outside have leaves fading from their last deepest green - already I see tinges of yellow forming on their edges. 


I plan on cleaning today. I have a theory... the cleaner and more organized is your house? The cleaner and more organized is your body. Messy house? Unfinished house? House that desperately needs paint and a new roof? House where nothing is organized, nothing is taken care of, nothing is appreciated? House with nothing on the walls, or all white and sterile? All reflections on how you take care of yourself.


I'm not one to quote biblical or other tomes on my blog or in my life, but I think this line sums up my thinking: 


1 Corinthians 6:19- Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you...


I love this quote. I love it because I see how I treat and perceive my external space is a reflection of how I treat and see my internal space. It is also a reminder to treat my body and my home with sacredness.


I think back on the places I've lived in my life. I have striven to make those places warm and inviting. Even my office, although cluttered, is a space students, parents, coworkers and friends feel safe, warm and welcome. Not every environment where I have lived has felt that way. I have actually lived in homes with nothing on the walls, nothing of 'me' really present in the space at all. I realize now, when I look at those places and those times that I was losing myself. The few rooms that did reflect me were a cacophony of clothes, trash and huge amounts of clutter. I think the most telling part of that is the request that I keep the door to those rooms closed because they were such a mess. I complied. The profoundness of that to me is beyond words.


I moved my office recently.  It has more windows but is smaller than the one previously. My office over the past few years has been the one place I felt at home. It was always a mess, but it felt so warm and comforting. It was stuffed full of things. There was literally no room for anything else there. How I kept it even as remotely clean as I did astounds me. When I moved to my new office, I took to my new home seven (yes seven!) huge bins of stuff. Right now those bins are sitting in my garage. I am working on creating rooms in my house that are comfortable and full of things that reflect me - and getting rid of things I no longer need to hold on to. My new office? Is still full of pieces of me. But as I continue to hone down what I want at work, what I want at home and what I want to move on to someone else, I see my environment and my body truly transforming into spaces that are open, clean yet still warm and welcoming. I'm excited about these new spaces - my office, my home, my body. They are slowly getting to where they reflect my life in its entirety: lighter, less cluttered and inviting.


Peace,


MaryKate

Thin may be in, but healthy's where it's at!

3/100

A friend of mine posted a question to me on my facebook page (I'm pretty sure she'll be okay with me reposting it ;) )

Read your blog so far. Yes, accountability is absolutely the key. I would be curious to know more what issues you discovered were foundational to your love of food because I've never been able to figure that out about myself.


This blog? Isn't actually a response to her question - although I am sure eventually I'll share some of those issues. *lol* It's about the initial reaction I had to her question.

This friend of mine, to me, is thin. When I read her question, I thought to myself, why is she asking me about weight issues?... she's beautiful! She has a body I would *love* to have. So, while I was making my dinner tonight, I processed some of my reactions to her question. I started to think about some of the other women I work with and that are in my life. So many of them seem to be constantly worried about what they eat, how they eat, when they eat, if they eat...

I thought about when I first had the idea to start a '100 days of being healthy' blog. It was this summer; my goddaughter's girl scout troop was going to Cedar Point and she asked me to go. I panicked. You know how they have height requirements for rides where in order to ride, you have to be a certain height? Well, at Cedar Point now, they have 'size' restrictions. They have a sample 'seat' at the start of the line for the ride. If you get in the seat and it won't lock? You can't get on the ride. Seven years ago, when I went to Cedar Point, I barely fit into some of those seats. That was thirty pounds ago. I couldn't imagine the humiliation of my goddaughter looking at me and me having to say to her "Sorry babygirl, I can't go on this ride with you." Mind you, she wouldn't have been upset, she would have likely shrugged her shoulders and said, 'Let's find a different one"... or "Can I go with my friends then?" But I couldn't handle having to face the embarrassment of it. I also knew a whole day of walking around Cedar Point in the sun? Would be too much for me. So I didn't go with her.

When I think about being overweight (and according to my BMI I am morbidly obese - ouch it stings just writing that), I think about what that means in my world. Issues with airplanes, issues with rides, issues with some theater seats, issues with chairs, issues with certain beds, issues with how and where I sleep, issues with blood sugar and issues with my general health. What I hadn't thought about is that a woman you might look at and think "wow, she's so thin and beautiful" might very well have issues with her body. Heck, she is likely to have issues with her body. Those issues are probably different than the ones I struggle with, but just as valid and just as difficult for her to navigate.

Getting healthy for me isn't about getting thin. There are some amazingly beautiful women that I work with and others that I am friends with that have just as 'big' of body issues as I have. Being 'thin' has nothing to do with letting go of body issues - it's no magic cure. As my sister once said to me, "There's no such thing as emotional bypass surgery." Getting thin doesn't cure anything. I am not writing this blog and eating better and exercising more to 'get thin'. Because clearly ' being thin' has nothing to do with being happy with your body.

I'm going on this journey so that I like myself better. So that I wake up feeling better and so that I can go into a store, buy clothes and not hate or want to scream at or be incredibly depressed about what I see. What I 'weigh' isn't as important to me as the 'way' I see myself. I'm learning to appreciate who I am and that is what truly matters.

Well... and fitting into the seats at Cedar Point! Because Mads? Next summer? You better be ready!

Peace,
MaryKate

And? We're Off...
1/100


It took me three days to try to find a 'witty' title for this blog. I had about twenty names here are the final top ten:

• Over weight, on to healthy (funny, yes? yeah I didn't think so either)
• 100 days, 100 ways to being healthy (too long)
• Weight weight don't tell me (NPR anyone?)
• Weigh down to the heart of it (does that need explanation as to why it didn't win?)
• Feed the heart not the hole (my sister suggested that one... it had double and triple entendres which seriously took it out of the running)
• 40 not fatty (clever but yeah... not so much)
• 42, eyes of blue, why do I weigh 282? (hahah that one still makes me laugh)
• Leaving the fat behind (which was a *really* close second)
• Fit x 44 (Fit by 44 - which sounded like an SUV)
• Recipes of a newly fit girl (which every time I read it read "recipes of a newly fat girl... which seriously missed the point)

'My Weigh Out' won. I chose it because finding myself? Has been one seriously long journey. I'm 42, and still seeking. My highest weight was this January. I weighed 315. At the peak of my unhappiness I peaked on the scale. Trying to navigate a crumbling, emotionally vacant marriage I sought comfort and closeness in familiar habits. I couldn't get closeness from my husband? No problem. Something deep fried *always* fixed that - except when it didn't. Which was happening more and more often. But seriously, we all know that story. Those who struggle with weight. Who struggle with self esteem. Who struggle with being present. 

I got a divorce, started to dig myself out of past habits and starting getting my life together. I stopped trying to be perfect and started being present. After spending the summer at home with my 83 year old dad, I worked through some issues that were the foundations of my poor relationship with food  (the reasons I eat are legion, and few of them are actually good) but since January, I've shed about 30 pounds and find myself around 285 right now.

Then I got back to the fine Pacific Northwest, got on the scale and realized my weight loss had stalled. And I thought... what can I do? How can I hold myself accountable and move forward in this journey?  The answer was to do what a million other people are doing. Write a blog. One about me and how I'm spending the next 100 days being healthy. Not being perfect. That's my goal. I'll share some recipes I'm trying, I'll share some ideas I have about reconnecting with my spirit, and I'll share my physical journey the best I know how. 

Join me... tell me what you think you could do in 100 days to improve your life. I'm interested in hearing about it. Read along... comment... lurk :). Mostly I'm writing this to keep myself accountable. But if you think you might enjoy coming along, I'd appreciate the company.

Peace,

MaryKate