A league of my own...

81/100

Two of my dear friends got married several years ago in Mexico. I was asked to be the minister and to sing their wedding song. It was a lovely wedding in one of my favorite places - a romantic, island beach resort. A couple of nights before the wedding, the bride, her Maid of Honor, and I were sitting downstairs at the pool and the little pool guy was bringing us drinks. We were laughing and having a good time. Both my friend and her Maid of Honor are stunningly beautiful. Not to mention just lovely ladies. I believe she told me her Maid of Honor was a swimsuit model and I believe it. Anyhow, we were sitting there and we were talking about men. I was interested in a guy at the time who was very handsome and I was talking about it to the two ladies. I said, "Yeah this guy is super hot... you know how it is when you like someone who is out of your league." and both ladies looked at me and said, "No". No malice or snarkiness... Just "no".

I remember how floored I was at that. They didn't know what it was like to date someone out of their league or they just didn't think that there *was* someone out of their league? Or? They had just never considered it before? All I knew is that most men I wanted to date I thought were out of my league.

Eventually I got married, divorced and now once again find myself single and back in the dating world. Well, I did, until I took my profile down.

And why did I take my profile down? Because I realized I still think most guys are 'out of my league'. I had a conversation with my sister the other day. It was one of those hard conversations that stick with a person. I'm not even sure how to express what I realized. And it is a hard realization to explain and share. But what I realized is that I still feel like I have nothing to offer in a relationship. So I almost feel like I should just be grateful to any man that would want me. It's more complicated than that, and I don't want to emotionally vomit all over this blog...

But I realized as long as I don't believe I am a solid, intelligent, emotionally healthy, funny, attractive and active person? I won't attract that into my life.

Which brings me to Dr. McDreamy - my dad's neck surgeon. He's so funny. He and I laughed, played, joked with each other. It was fun. He's married and  I want to be clear that I am not 'interested'  in Doc McDreamy. But one night, after my dad's surgery, my sister said to me, "That's it, MK. You are not allowed to bring home another guy that is not McDreamy." I looked at sis and said, "Oh my god, Marge he is SOOO out of my league." She shook her head and said, "Are you kidding me? You are so wrong." and it hit me. Once again that chronic low sense of self worth showed its ugly head. Except this time? I realized I WAS wrong. Believing that someone like McDreamy is too good for me? Is a problem. And it is why I took down my profile.

I realized it is time to believe I can attract someone like McDreamy. Someone warm, funny, loving, intelligent, compassionate with a killer smile and self confidence. Someone who is good at his job, comfortable with his maturity (McDreamy was 52) and not emotionally immature and unavailable like the last few guys in my life. In the meantime, for me to feel ready for a healthy, fun, emotionally available relationship? I have to believe I am worthy of it. And to do that? I have to take care of myself.

Part of that taking care of myself is getting ready for the triathlon. I'm nervous. People know I am doing this... but it is motivating. It feels good to have made the commitment... And I've been losing weight and I feel this  determination to be successful at both getting healthy and completing this mini triathlon!

So yeah... maybe not Dr.McDreamy, he didn't come into my life as a possible guy to date, but as a bar to set for myself as to what I'd like to find in my life in a partner.Without coming across as narcissistic, it's time to recognize my own value, to see my worth and, when the time is right and I know my own value, I will be ready meet someone who meets  Doc McDreamy's bar.

Peace,

MaryKate

Tri what???

79/100

I have wanted to do a triathlon for seven years now. I get excited about it... I think I can do it on my own. I start to train. In a week? I've given up. I tuck away those feelings of failure and just move on. People just smile now and I am sure they think 'oh sure she's talking about that triathlon thing again'. I know I like to dream. And I know, I like to imagine me having already DONE the thing... but I actually SIGNED UP for one!

One of the wonderful things about my life, is that when I really put the energy out to the Universe that I want to do something? Wheels starts turning and *boom* it pretty much happens. Not always in the way I thought it would happen, but when I am open to life and let go of control? It really seems to work itself out beautifully.

So... about two weeks ago, I decided it was time to get back to working on my weight and my exercise. It's been a lifelong issue with me. My struggles with weight. I remember about seven years ago, I had lost a bunch of weight. I went with my sister shopping. I tried on a pair of tight leather pants. I walked out and my sister told me I looked *hot*. I went back into the dressing room, panicked, started to cry, took off the leather pants and within a month put the all the weight back on (and then some for good measure)... that was sort of the last time I really invested in losing weight.

But since I started writing this blog, since I really started digging into my 'stuff', I've realized I like myself more. I still have issues (don't we all?), but I realize I have made some shifts in how I see who I am. At lunch the other day with my friend Lori, I said that within a relationship I often have a difficult time speaking up for what I really need. She just shook he head and said, "I don't get it MK, how is it *you* can't see what everyone else around you sees? That you are this amazing, strong, wonderful woman?" I couldn't answer her. For most of my life I did *not* see that. And heaven knows, my self confidence and self image took some beatings over the last year. I had few reserves to pull upon to boost myself back up - I mean I have amazing friends who never let me fall *too* far. But finding that resolve within myself and that confidence inside has taken me a while. But within the last month or so, I have realized I feel like I am back on track. I feel like I have found that spark inside of me again - I feel alive and I feel back in the flow of my own life, not trying to swim against it.

So when I said to myself, I'm ready to get back into an exercise program, *poof* two days later my friend Trish mentions to me that she has signed up for a triathlon to support breast cancer! SCORE! Next thing I know? I have signed up as well. I'm excited about it. It's sort of a baby triathlon, but it's perfect! And I am not doing it alone, I'm doing it with someone who isn't counting on me, but *is* excited to share the journey with me.

So, things are moving in my world. I feel like I was stuck for a while... but here I go, back on to my next adventure. I didn't make it up at 6:30am today to workout, but I will either go tonight or go swimming at my place. I think the important part is to do something every day, not get hung up on when the plan for that morning takes a left turn. My goal is to do *something* and keep working towards it. I have to get to the point where I can swim 1/2 mile, bike 12 miles and run 3.1 miles! I can do this! If you think you might want to come with? Let me know :).

I'm excited and nervous, but I think this means I will *finally* get a bike that I like! *laughter*

Peace,

MaryKate