Job Opening (due to recent retirement): She-Ra Champion of the High Road
25/100
To forgive or not to forgive, that is what I struggle with. Lately, I feel more and more like I am clinging to the high road with bloodied fingernails. Everything that I have learned implies it is essential to take the high road. To rise above and to forgive. However, a very small (albeit powerful) dark part of myself just wants to tear out eyeballs...
and step on them.
Weirdly? I think I want to tear out mine.
I've tried taking deep breaths because breathing deeply is supposed to fix this sort of thing.
It helps
until I breathe out again.
Sometimes, I feel like I have my feet solidly on the high road. Heck, I've got a roadmap helping others along. I'm a walking freaking billboard of "I've got it all figured out - ness." I'm beyond mere mortal. I'm She-Ra, Champion of the High Road.
There is a saying in 12 step programs - 'fake it until you make it'. In this case? That's just about the worst advice I could possibly take. Because until I truly deal with why I feel like I am barely holding on to the high road in the first place, it's worse than simply bad advice. It's a baldfaced lie I'm telling to myself. Every time I force myself to say, "Hey, all is forgiven, all is peace. All is good. I am just a 'being of Love' and I want everyone to be happy." I dig myself into the lie all the deeper. And really, if just typing those words makes me want to throw up? There's a good chance chanting to myself that "I'm okay, you're okay" isn't a solution.
I grew up in a house where we were supposed to pretend bad things didn't happen. We ignored the elephant in the middle of the living room. We looked the other way and hid every uncomfortable feeling before anyone saw us *not* being perfect. We never admitted to feeling betrayed or abandoned or pushed aside. We didn't discuss feelings of worthlessness or shame. Those concepts? Those dark places? Were hung on the elephant like so many bells and decorations. And even as that elephant grew, we just learned to dance around it more skillfully.
I'm not feeling skillful or graceful now. And part of my issue is that my inability to maintain a peaceful existence on the high road is because I have a lifetime of forcing myself to walk there all 'noble' without ever examining the foundation of the road. I'm pretty sure that high road is built on elephant dung.
So, hey, right now? I can't quite manage the high road in a few situations in my life. I'm not going to throw mud and I am not going to sink down into the muck. In general, I'm a relatively upbeat and positive person. However, I'm giving myself permission to give my fingernails a rest. I might just have to drop off the high road and try that 'middle' path I've heard so much about.
I wonder if by walking that middle path for a while and truly recognizing when I feel abandoned, hurt, unappreciated and frustrated, I can learn to navigate those emotions more successfully. I have a feeling that middle ground I've heard about so often just might be the true high road. Not the 'high road' where I sacrifice who I am and what my needs are in order to keep the peace and keep everyone happy, nor the low road where I just rail against those who done me wrong (like a good country song), but the middle road created by taking care of myself and being honest about how I am feeling.
I guess it isn't about the high, middle or low road at all. Maybe what I am learning is how to take the 'healthy' road. (which doesn't make a nearly as good country song...:)
Peace,
MaryKate
Showing posts with label breathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breathing. Show all posts
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
OCDOCDOCDOCDOCD...
16/100
I am not trying to make light of people with obsessive compulsive disorder - OCD. I want to say that up front. But I suspect I have some OCD tendencies. After all, isn't it a spectrum issue?
Tonight is a perfect example and I think it also relates to being healthy and some of my issues with food.
Tonight a friend let me borrow his Wii. He has the Wii Fit and I wanted to give it a try. Another friend of mine does it and she loves it... it has a competitive element that I think will appeal to me. I sat down to set it up. Now, in all fairness, this Wii has been through a lot. I don't know if the Wii is actually working correctly. I started this project at 8:00pm. It is now 9:15. No Wii *and* I had to take a deep breath and stop myself from going out and just BUYING a new one that I KNEW worked.
Once I get 'hooked' on a project like this? It becomes 'essential' that I figure it out. I'm usually unable to walk away and just let it go until later. I find myself obsessing over questions like What am I doing wrong? and Why won't this work? To some extent this is a good thing because it helps me persevere when I want to just give up, and often by sticking with it I can figure out a solution. However, sometimes it just becomes unhealthy. I become so focused I lose track of time, I lose sight of other things I want to do. And it begins to feel humiliating if I can't figure it out or do it. I remember one time I was playing the videogame World of Warcrack... er 'craft'. World of Warcraft. Anyhow, I have never been very good at the actual 'playing' of the game. I simply don't have the coordination to be talented enough to do well. I was a mediocre player and I was okay with that. The person I played with was very patient with me and helped as much as possible, but I realized I would eventually hit the wall because my ability to remember what key stood for what movement felt overwhelming. I went on some quest where the character I was playing had to jump over a small chasm. I have no idea WHY she had to do that but she did. I couldn't do it. At one point I had to have someone else do it for me. Which took one try. So I had to try it again. And again. And again. For what felt like an hour, I kept forcing my character to jump over that chasm, falling just about every time I tried. It would have been comical if it hadn't of been so frustrating and obsessive.
I suppose true athletes and artists have this tendency as part of their personality. That drive to 'do it' even if it takes a hundred tries over and over and over and the reality of being able to do it is nil because of sheer physical exhaustion or mental fatigue.
I am not comparing WoW to someone who has dedicated his/her life to their art. Except I am. In the sense that the drive for perfection lurks in the little things. Forcing yourself to do something over and over because you want to be perfect. You want to prove to yourself you can do something. You exaggerate the meaning of that ONE simple thing into something so overly important you can't walk away. Not until you prove you can do it.
That drive for perfection is dangerous and it can even be deadly. I have seen too many young people with eating disorders struggle with that all-elusive sense of control and perfection.
Honestly, if I hadn't of decided to step away from the console tonight to write this blog? I'd STILL be over in the corner beating my head against the wall over this. And even though I have figured out a solution to 'fix' the situation (tomorrow I will take the machine into school and have the 'guys' set it up there to make sure the Wii itself is working) it took all my Scooby powers to walk away.
I have spent my life battling perfection. There are times when I make cookies and throw the WHOLE batch away because they are too dark. I hear the voice in my head say, You can't serve those. They aren't perfect.People will know you aren't really a good cook if you try to serve those. I have thrown away not just desserts, but entire meals because the taste wasn't 'quite right' and in an attempt to 'fix' it I 'ruined' it.
The desire for perfection comes from feeling flawed. For me? I believed that if I was perfect I could 'fix' the problems around me. If my grades were just good enough, if I was smart enough, if I could sing well enough... but there was never 'enough' of whatever it was I was seeking. And while food didn't take away that yearning to be perfect, it did numb some of the anxiety I was feeling. I think many people use food to release chemicals in their brain that help to soothe anxiety. Self soothing without using food, alcohol or other addictive substances/behaviors is a hard habit to break.
I suppose there were times when a little obsession would have been a good thing. Might have helped me get that paper in, or that novel read, or that project completed on time. But obsession is a funny thing. I think it is sort of like love. You can't predict it, you can't demand it, and when it strikes it's almost impossible to ignore it.
I've reached a point in my life where tonight it only took me a little over an hour to realize I was obsessing about something. I had to realize I didn't have to rush out RIGHT NOW to fix it and that tomorrow would be soon enough to make a decision. I can live with a little angst that I can't do what I want to do at this moment, and living with a little angst is okay.
For me? Learning to live with 'a little angst' is a huge step toward being healthy.
Peace,
MaryKate
16/100
I am not trying to make light of people with obsessive compulsive disorder - OCD. I want to say that up front. But I suspect I have some OCD tendencies. After all, isn't it a spectrum issue?
Tonight is a perfect example and I think it also relates to being healthy and some of my issues with food.
Tonight a friend let me borrow his Wii. He has the Wii Fit and I wanted to give it a try. Another friend of mine does it and she loves it... it has a competitive element that I think will appeal to me. I sat down to set it up. Now, in all fairness, this Wii has been through a lot. I don't know if the Wii is actually working correctly. I started this project at 8:00pm. It is now 9:15. No Wii *and* I had to take a deep breath and stop myself from going out and just BUYING a new one that I KNEW worked.
Once I get 'hooked' on a project like this? It becomes 'essential' that I figure it out. I'm usually unable to walk away and just let it go until later. I find myself obsessing over questions like What am I doing wrong? and Why won't this work? To some extent this is a good thing because it helps me persevere when I want to just give up, and often by sticking with it I can figure out a solution. However, sometimes it just becomes unhealthy. I become so focused I lose track of time, I lose sight of other things I want to do. And it begins to feel humiliating if I can't figure it out or do it. I remember one time I was playing the videogame World of Warcrack... er 'craft'. World of Warcraft. Anyhow, I have never been very good at the actual 'playing' of the game. I simply don't have the coordination to be talented enough to do well. I was a mediocre player and I was okay with that. The person I played with was very patient with me and helped as much as possible, but I realized I would eventually hit the wall because my ability to remember what key stood for what movement felt overwhelming. I went on some quest where the character I was playing had to jump over a small chasm. I have no idea WHY she had to do that but she did. I couldn't do it. At one point I had to have someone else do it for me. Which took one try. So I had to try it again. And again. And again. For what felt like an hour, I kept forcing my character to jump over that chasm, falling just about every time I tried. It would have been comical if it hadn't of been so frustrating and obsessive.
I suppose true athletes and artists have this tendency as part of their personality. That drive to 'do it' even if it takes a hundred tries over and over and over and the reality of being able to do it is nil because of sheer physical exhaustion or mental fatigue.
I am not comparing WoW to someone who has dedicated his/her life to their art. Except I am. In the sense that the drive for perfection lurks in the little things. Forcing yourself to do something over and over because you want to be perfect. You want to prove to yourself you can do something. You exaggerate the meaning of that ONE simple thing into something so overly important you can't walk away. Not until you prove you can do it.
That drive for perfection is dangerous and it can even be deadly. I have seen too many young people with eating disorders struggle with that all-elusive sense of control and perfection.
Honestly, if I hadn't of decided to step away from the console tonight to write this blog? I'd STILL be over in the corner beating my head against the wall over this. And even though I have figured out a solution to 'fix' the situation (tomorrow I will take the machine into school and have the 'guys' set it up there to make sure the Wii itself is working) it took all my Scooby powers to walk away.
I have spent my life battling perfection. There are times when I make cookies and throw the WHOLE batch away because they are too dark. I hear the voice in my head say, You can't serve those. They aren't perfect.People will know you aren't really a good cook if you try to serve those. I have thrown away not just desserts, but entire meals because the taste wasn't 'quite right' and in an attempt to 'fix' it I 'ruined' it.
The desire for perfection comes from feeling flawed. For me? I believed that if I was perfect I could 'fix' the problems around me. If my grades were just good enough, if I was smart enough, if I could sing well enough... but there was never 'enough' of whatever it was I was seeking. And while food didn't take away that yearning to be perfect, it did numb some of the anxiety I was feeling. I think many people use food to release chemicals in their brain that help to soothe anxiety. Self soothing without using food, alcohol or other addictive substances/behaviors is a hard habit to break.
I suppose there were times when a little obsession would have been a good thing. Might have helped me get that paper in, or that novel read, or that project completed on time. But obsession is a funny thing. I think it is sort of like love. You can't predict it, you can't demand it, and when it strikes it's almost impossible to ignore it.
I've reached a point in my life where tonight it only took me a little over an hour to realize I was obsessing about something. I had to realize I didn't have to rush out RIGHT NOW to fix it and that tomorrow would be soon enough to make a decision. I can live with a little angst that I can't do what I want to do at this moment, and living with a little angst is okay.
For me? Learning to live with 'a little angst' is a huge step toward being healthy.
Peace,
MaryKate
Monday, August 23, 2010
Just Breathe...
8/100
Tonight? I walked home and looked at the moon. Watched her peek in and out from the clouds. It was such a beautiful, quiet night. Tomorrow I start back to school, so enjoying the peace tonight is all part of my mental health.
Looking at the moon reminds me to breathe. With the rush of trying to get ready for school, moving my office and still trying to unpack my house, it's been rush rush rush since getting back. How easy it is for me to forget to breathe.
Breathing connects me to my heart. It reminds me to be present in my body. I had a wonderful dinner with a friend tonight. I completely love her and as I listened to her tonight, I took a moment to breathe and be grateful for the company, the laughter and even though we sit on different sides of the political table, we even danced around that topic for a while. On the way home, I looked into the sky and saw this huge, brilliant, full moon hanging over the sky above my house. My friend dropped me off at the end of my street and I walked back to my house in the moonlight, pulling my recycle bin behind me.
And as I walked? I remembered to breathe. To practice being grateful for my wonderful summer with old friends (and even a few new ones!), my father, my family. To honor the trade-off that even though my vacation is essentially over, I get to return to a job I love, people I work with that I love, a boss I respect tremendously and students that change my life every day. I am constantly amazed and thrilled with how much I learn from my students. I have almost no patience with drivers that insist on cutting me off when the road merges and the other driver feels it is OKAY to zoom up on my right and cut in front of me; but, the patience I have for my students is almost limitless. Not that my students don't, on occasion, push me to my limits, but more often than not I look forward to each different person that walks through my door - I know I am going to learn something and grow from the encounter.
So as sleep comes knocking (okay it's more than knocking, it's rented out the bedroom and moved in) on my eyelids, I head to the dream world with a full heart, a space of gratefulness for a full summer, and a small amount of anxiety and excitement about the upcoming school year.
Peace,
MaryKate
8/100
Tonight? I walked home and looked at the moon. Watched her peek in and out from the clouds. It was such a beautiful, quiet night. Tomorrow I start back to school, so enjoying the peace tonight is all part of my mental health.
Looking at the moon reminds me to breathe. With the rush of trying to get ready for school, moving my office and still trying to unpack my house, it's been rush rush rush since getting back. How easy it is for me to forget to breathe.
Breathing connects me to my heart. It reminds me to be present in my body. I had a wonderful dinner with a friend tonight. I completely love her and as I listened to her tonight, I took a moment to breathe and be grateful for the company, the laughter and even though we sit on different sides of the political table, we even danced around that topic for a while. On the way home, I looked into the sky and saw this huge, brilliant, full moon hanging over the sky above my house. My friend dropped me off at the end of my street and I walked back to my house in the moonlight, pulling my recycle bin behind me.
And as I walked? I remembered to breathe. To practice being grateful for my wonderful summer with old friends (and even a few new ones!), my father, my family. To honor the trade-off that even though my vacation is essentially over, I get to return to a job I love, people I work with that I love, a boss I respect tremendously and students that change my life every day. I am constantly amazed and thrilled with how much I learn from my students. I have almost no patience with drivers that insist on cutting me off when the road merges and the other driver feels it is OKAY to zoom up on my right and cut in front of me; but, the patience I have for my students is almost limitless. Not that my students don't, on occasion, push me to my limits, but more often than not I look forward to each different person that walks through my door - I know I am going to learn something and grow from the encounter.
So as sleep comes knocking (okay it's more than knocking, it's rented out the bedroom and moved in) on my eyelids, I head to the dream world with a full heart, a space of gratefulness for a full summer, and a small amount of anxiety and excitement about the upcoming school year.
Peace,
MaryKate
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