Weighing of the Heart

127

Do you know the Egyptian story of the weighing of the heart? Let me give you the short version. The Egyptians believed that upon death, the soul or "akh" would, using the Book of the Dead as a guide and often Anubis as well, work through the 12 gates of the Duat on the journey to the the Hall of Judgement. Once in the hall, the initiate would recite the 42 confessions in front of the 42 judges. Then, the heart would be put on the scale against Ma'at's white feather of Truth. If the scales didn't balance, the akh would be thrown to the crocodile god Ammit and the soul devoured. If the heart was not 'heavy' and the scales balanced, the akh would be welcomed by Osiris to the Field of Reeds - where the akh would rejoin family and loved ones.

My birthday is next week. I'll be 47.  The number doesn't bother me, I'm not sure I look my age, and I'm pretty sure I don't always act it. 

Joseph Campbell said, "Out of perfection nothing can be made. Every process involves breaking something up.”  I feel, around my birthday, like part of me is breaking away and something new is evolving. Around this time of year, I seem to find myself re-enacting my own "Weighing of the Heart" ceremony.

I don't throw myself to the crocodile god if I feel I haven't lived by my truth during the proceeding year, but I do find myself evaluating where I was a year ago, and where I am now.

Last year at this time, I was in my fourth month of being a full time mom. The path had turned rocky and the honeymoon phase was definitely over. I worried if I was doing the 'mom' thing right. I felt unsure and I did a lot of questioning of myself. This year, I have a full year under my belt. Even with some of the changes and upheavals over the last year, I feel more confident I am doing the 'mom' thing okay. I still make mistakes and sometimes I still question if I have any idea what I am doing. December is a hard month, but I feel like the ground under my feet is more stable, and I feel like, as a family, things will be okay.

Last year at this time, I was not single. I did not expect to be so this year. However, I have found a new strength in getting to know myself. I still stumble at times with knowing who I am outside of being a 'mom', 'sis', 'daughter', 'friend', 'teacher' and 'partner', but I think I'm learning. I am finding my voice. It's not the 3 octave range it once was, but it is strong and clear and I am grateful for it.

Last year at this time, we had just moved to a new building at work. It was a big shift for everyone. The transition took some time, but I have settled into my new digs and I like being able to look out the window and see blue sky and trees. I still wake up every day loving what I do and where I do it. Teaching is one of the constants in my life and I am fortunate to find joy in what I do.

Last year at this time, I was 35 pounds heavier than I am now. I am proud of the running I did, and frustrated by the knee injury that has stopped that progress. I am also proud that I haven't put that weight back on and that I have continued a path forward to reach the goal of wearing one of these in Mexico!

I have changed over the past 12 months. I think I have become more centered, more connected and better in touch with what I want in life and what I don't want. In other ways, I feel like I have fallen in my goals of writing that great novel and my continued goal of letting go of perfection. I still haven't mastered the art of distinction between which pieces of my life I should hold on to, and which pieces need to be released. I second guess myself and, at times, I make choices from a place of fear, versus a place of centeredness.

It's a process, right? At this point in my life, I am not heavy-hearted; I feel light-hearted and joyful. I see such potential in the upcoming year!

It's my birthday and I am looking forward to celebrating. Because beyond it all, I am deeply grateful for each day I am on this planet. Each life I touch and each heart that reaches out and touches mine, changes me. Each moment I am here, each moment I am alive is a profound gift I treasure. I'm continually reminded that even when I forget about the magic - the magic doesn't forget about me.

Peace,

MaryKate

Love is...

...in my own back yard

125

Sometimes, we meet people that absolutely speak to our spirit. Those people can stop by for a day, a week, or a lifetime and bring such experiences - pain, beauty, intense sorrow... but knowing them can also bring happiness and a tremendous opportunity for love.

Candace was like that.

I will never forget our first meeting. I think I was 22 at the time, and visiting her aunt. Candace walked into the living room like she owned the world. The sun shone through her big mane of hair. She was talking as she came in the door and didn't, at first, even see me. When she took a moment between topics to take a breath, her aunt introduced us. She turned to me and stood quietly for a moment. Then, she crossed the room, sat down next to me on the couch, looked into my eyes and took my hand.

I recognize that might seem odd, seeing as how we'd just met, but it wasn't. It was the most perfect thing in the world.

She said, "Hello friend. It's been a long time, hasn't it? I'm glad we found each other again."

And I said, "Hello friend. It HAS been a long time. I missed you."

In that moment, I clasped her hand tightly, immersed in this intense joy at being loved. It felt instant, complete and forever. My world shifted. I knew I had a person in my life that would always be with me, who knew me and loved me exactly as I was - just as I loved her.

I wish I could have seen that more clearly when I had her in my life.

In my life, I've struggled to see love when it was right in front of me. I've been on my Wizard-of-Oz/Dorothy journey to try to find perfect love and happiness somewhere outside of myself.

Recently, I was told I acted like I had the emotional makeup of a 15 year old. At first I dismissed it as ridiculous and completely off mark. As I thought about it, perhaps in some ways, I have been stuck at that age. At 15, I was taught that the 'best' love comes in a perfect partnership, and that the love of the 'One', is the 'best' love there is. I bought into the belief that some kinds of love and happiness are more 'valid' than others, and I believed in Disney's storyline.

This morning, with my window wide open and a cool autumn breeze filling my bedroom, I burrowed under my covers and thought about love, happiness, Candace, and so many of the other people in my life - and decided to stop labeling some love and happiness as more valid than others, and the 'One' more real than other 'ones'.

'Perfect partnership' doesn't have to be, for me, the end goal. My life shouldn't be about the happily ever after, but about the 'happily in the now'.

I missed a lot of 'happily in the now' moments with Candace, with my friends and even with partners, because I was so busy trying to figure out if it was perfect - if I was perfect.

Finding and appreciating love and happiness in all forms is important; moments of happiness are brief. There are no guarantees they will continue. Guarantees would mean Candace and I would be looking at golf cart ads and she'd be giving me advice on dating.

My goal is to get better at recognizing love and happiness the moment it is present. Like singing at the top of my lungs at a drag show with my daughter - Candace's child - and laughing about how close we are to the stage.

Losing myself in that moment walking along the water in Edmonds, holding hands and feeling tremendously happy. Watching the sunset and appreciating it for what it is, not what I want or think it has to be.

Being mindful of the moment is honoring happiness as it is, and finding it in my own back yard.

...if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right?

Not that I won't click my heels together in sparkly red shoes, because seriously, my life is seeking travel and adventure - especially when I know my shoes will always bring me home.

But in seeking love and happiness, I know I need look no further than the moments of my own heart.

Peace,
MaryKate

Yeah, but a hero?

124

Recently, an NBC article talked about a nurse who agreed to take in the son of one of her patients. When the nurse met the dying mom, they felt an instant connection.  The cancer was pretty severe but  the patient, with a mother's instincts, instantly knew the nurse would be a perfect fit to raise her child when she passed.

I made a comment on the website that I had a somewhat similar experience. I was surprised by how many people made comments on my post. I had initially written to wish both women well. Even with an internet full of trolls, with the exception of one woman? The posts were incredibly supportive.

And some of them were also kind of weird.

Not just the people on Today.com but lots of my friends say phrases like,

"You're such a good person."

Am I? I mean I am, but not because I became a mom. I'm a good person for a lot of reasons, most of which have very little to do with being a mom by choice. 

"There is a place in Heaven for you."

This one is particularly interesting, as I am not sure where I stand on the Heaven concept. I just hope I see Candace and others I love, wherever I end up landing.

"Do you know what an amazing thing it is that you have done?"

This one truly puzzles me. Seriously. I don't get it. I want to tell these people that I am the lucky one. I am the one with the incredible daughter. I am the one who gets to see my best friend's eyes reflected at me every single day. I am the one that gets to take my kid to a bar, because I am a good parent, darn it, so she can get her jersey signed by the hockey players she thinks are 'cute'. Me! How did I get so lucky?

Yes, there have been difficulties. Lots of them. And power struggles. And 'Seriously? Just empty the dishwasher!' comments...among many many others.

And yes, as much as my kid would like it (and believe me she would), every day together isn't full of Pegacorns and sparkly rainbows.

But I truly feel like I am the winner in this story. Even if it means my life is now more complicated. Certainly finding a date is a bit harder and finding someone who wants to navigate my busy life with me is more complicated... But honestly, I don't care that much. I had that crazy all encompassing love and it crashed so hard, and so disrespectfully that really - I feel like an 80s Tina Turner song sometimes.

I'm not focusing on what is difficult - there's no time for that.

Right now, I am focusing on running every other day. Heck, yesterday I managed week 4 day 1 (c25k) on my first try. I assure you, I could not have done that a month ago. It's a slow process, but I keep plugging along.

Right now, I am happy recognizing my family life is quite full. My joy is already doubled and my sorrow halved - all because I have another human being that needs me and that I need as well.

So no, I don't think I'm a hero. I don't think I'm special. I think I have a tremendous amount of love to give, my friends and family know that - my best friend especially knew that. And I feel fortunate that I have a kid in my life that wants and needs that love. It has given me direction, helped me mature and helped me make difficult decisions because my life is no longer just about me - it is about having a family and figuring out what is best for that family.

Right now, my life is about love. Or as Tina would sing, "What's Loooove got to do, got to do with it?

I think I'd tell Tina... 'everything'.

Peace,
MaryKate

The Mystery of it All...
85/100

About eight years ago, I gave up believing in magic and mystery. I put those ideas away like the dreamings of little girls. I chided myself for ever thinking that sort of thing existed in the first place. I determined growing up was necessary and that meant giving up the belief in magic. Or more... giving up the possibility of magic.. of mystery. Of the Great Mystery.

I found myself getting involved with people who were also convinced that there was no great mystery. There was no god. There was death. The end. And even though a great part of me screamed out in sadness... I shoved it away behind my walls and plodded along with my 'there is no god' relationships.

But it didn't last. It couldn't. Because I do believe in something more. I realize, for me? There is no real way to know what the 'something more' means, but I believe in that connection that ties all things together. That thread that weaves and connects the story. That strand of spirit that travels back to the very beginnings and reminds us there is more.

I do not claim to know what that 'something more' is. And I do not feel the need to convince those that don't see it that way, that there is, in fact, a god. I think that is something you find on your own. You are led to that awareness. You are compelled by it. At least, that is the way it worked in my life.

But I know? I will not be without it again. And in a partner? I am not sure I can connect with someone who doesn't see it. Yes, those who do not believe are compassionate. They are kind. They are loving. One of my friends who is certain there is nothing but death, is one of the most giving, honest, trustworthy and humanitarian people I know.

But just like I realize that setting the bar on McDreamy is something I am ready to seek in my life, I also realize that although I can enjoy, befriend, laugh and love someone who is sure there is no god... I do not want to partner with someone who has that belief. Because shared connection? Is magic. A shared belief in the interconnectedness of life, of some sort of divinity that ties it all together? Is part of the Great Mystery and it is who I am. When I look at someone? I want to see that shared truth. We all have our own truth. Truth doesn't have to manifest itself the same in a partner as it manifests itself for me, but I desire a partner who connects to that space in me. Because that space is important.

And while I do not know that I can bring myself back to a structured and rigid set of beliefs, I know that the wall of defense I built that kept me away from my spirit is crumbling. I know that part of why my past relationships didn't work, is because I chose men who refused to believe in any connection to Divinity. Who had no belief in Grace. Who didn't see the world as magical or mystical.  And at the time? That worked for me because I had my own issues with Grace and Divinity. These guys were scifi guys, or gameplaying guys, or comic book guys or myth-loving guys... but that is where their connection to something outside of themselves ended. They would say "there is no god" and I would concur or at least act demure.

I do not claim to have answers. I realize thinking that I somehow 'know' who/what God is for myself (and especially for someone else) is laughable. Part of the Great Mystery is that I do not know. I suppose that is what makes it faith. But I know I have a connection to that energy. And I cherish that energy and that connection. It is who I am. It is important. And it is worth seeking in myself and in a partner.

Part of my being healthy is being open to divinity and trusting the way I hear and feel god in my life. To trust in those feelings of magic and mystery is the first step in seeing myself and my connection to all there is. How that experience manifests itself? I am open to exploring. Even if that means in order to find the type of partner I seek I must let go of potential relationships to hold out for someone with whom I can share that exploration.

Peace,

MaryKate

A league of my own...

81/100

Two of my dear friends got married several years ago in Mexico. I was asked to be the minister and to sing their wedding song. It was a lovely wedding in one of my favorite places - a romantic, island beach resort. A couple of nights before the wedding, the bride, her Maid of Honor, and I were sitting downstairs at the pool and the little pool guy was bringing us drinks. We were laughing and having a good time. Both my friend and her Maid of Honor are stunningly beautiful. Not to mention just lovely ladies. I believe she told me her Maid of Honor was a swimsuit model and I believe it. Anyhow, we were sitting there and we were talking about men. I was interested in a guy at the time who was very handsome and I was talking about it to the two ladies. I said, "Yeah this guy is super hot... you know how it is when you like someone who is out of your league." and both ladies looked at me and said, "No". No malice or snarkiness... Just "no".

I remember how floored I was at that. They didn't know what it was like to date someone out of their league or they just didn't think that there *was* someone out of their league? Or? They had just never considered it before? All I knew is that most men I wanted to date I thought were out of my league.

Eventually I got married, divorced and now once again find myself single and back in the dating world. Well, I did, until I took my profile down.

And why did I take my profile down? Because I realized I still think most guys are 'out of my league'. I had a conversation with my sister the other day. It was one of those hard conversations that stick with a person. I'm not even sure how to express what I realized. And it is a hard realization to explain and share. But what I realized is that I still feel like I have nothing to offer in a relationship. So I almost feel like I should just be grateful to any man that would want me. It's more complicated than that, and I don't want to emotionally vomit all over this blog...

But I realized as long as I don't believe I am a solid, intelligent, emotionally healthy, funny, attractive and active person? I won't attract that into my life.

Which brings me to Dr. McDreamy - my dad's neck surgeon. He's so funny. He and I laughed, played, joked with each other. It was fun. He's married and  I want to be clear that I am not 'interested'  in Doc McDreamy. But one night, after my dad's surgery, my sister said to me, "That's it, MK. You are not allowed to bring home another guy that is not McDreamy." I looked at sis and said, "Oh my god, Marge he is SOOO out of my league." She shook her head and said, "Are you kidding me? You are so wrong." and it hit me. Once again that chronic low sense of self worth showed its ugly head. Except this time? I realized I WAS wrong. Believing that someone like McDreamy is too good for me? Is a problem. And it is why I took down my profile.

I realized it is time to believe I can attract someone like McDreamy. Someone warm, funny, loving, intelligent, compassionate with a killer smile and self confidence. Someone who is good at his job, comfortable with his maturity (McDreamy was 52) and not emotionally immature and unavailable like the last few guys in my life. In the meantime, for me to feel ready for a healthy, fun, emotionally available relationship? I have to believe I am worthy of it. And to do that? I have to take care of myself.

Part of that taking care of myself is getting ready for the triathlon. I'm nervous. People know I am doing this... but it is motivating. It feels good to have made the commitment... And I've been losing weight and I feel this  determination to be successful at both getting healthy and completing this mini triathlon!

So yeah... maybe not Dr.McDreamy, he didn't come into my life as a possible guy to date, but as a bar to set for myself as to what I'd like to find in my life in a partner.Without coming across as narcissistic, it's time to recognize my own value, to see my worth and, when the time is right and I know my own value, I will be ready meet someone who meets  Doc McDreamy's bar.

Peace,

MaryKate

Remember that 'dating' blog entry???

51/100


So, my blog Dating again...hmmm that I wrote all of 5 days ago? I'd like to retract that one please. I might have been jumping the gun. I forgot how much dating isn't fun. Until you find mutuality,  you are stuck being either the rejector or the rejected and *neither* position feels good. It doesn't matter if you are rejected by someone you've loved for years, someone you've loved for months, or someone you've loved for moments. It. Still. Sucks.

I think, perhaps the hardest thing, is how I've gone about meeting people in my late 30s/ early 40s. Most of these guys are guys I've first 'met' online. I've never seen them, but I've build up a story in my head no matter how hard I've tried *not* to do that.  I get to present the sane, best side of  myself - he does too. On paper/screen, we seem to have so much in common. Then? We meet and I realize (or he does), no way. Or even while we are chatting I think, um...this isn't going to work. Then I have to tell another person (who might still be excited by the idea of further deepening the relationship) that it isn't going to work. I feel bad, the other person feels bad. No way around it. I rethink everything I said, wonder if there wasn't a better way to say it... then pick myself up and do it all over again.

Yeah. I didn't even make it to the first date. I'm not sure I trust myself right now. I keep being told that I don't listen. That I don't hear what a guy is actually saying. I swear I actually spent the last relationship I was in working HARD to listen to what the dude was saying because I don't always trust what he says. I was crazy enough to think we were at *least* in the same chapter. Nope. Not even in the same damn book. Over and over again guys say,  "I *never* said that, MK. I don't know where you got that idea, but I *never* said it." 

And I think, ... am I making shit up? Am I an idiot? Am I stupid?

I am none of these things. And I believe I  'hear' what a guy says. I do think, however, that two things are going on. On my side I'm attached to a certain outcome and it colors my perceptions of what the guy is saying. On his side, I think people say things they don't always mean when they want to make someone happy. Once upon a time I was dating someone who was crazy about me. Every time I looked into this person's eyes? I knew I couldn't return that level of devotion. I *wanted* to... but I knew I couldn't. I found myself saying all kinds of things to make the other happy. I said things at the moment that I believed, but knew deep down weren't going to happen. Perhaps because *I* hoped on some level that *maybe* I could feel those things. But I didn't. And the end of that relationship was painful; to this day I wish I had ended it better... with more compassion. I guess I've learned each time I've loved. It doesn't get easier. Even when I've thought, ohhh I *found* it! I found a relationship with someone who loves me and we now get to build a life together! Even then there aren't any guarantees. 

I hope I don't sound morose, or bitter or angry. I'm not. I just realize the way I have gone about meeting people or reconnecting with people from my past, hasn't really worked so well for me... So for a while? I'm going to stop actively seeking a 'partner' I'm going to do things that make me happy. One of my dearest friends was in her 50s before she met the man of her dreams. So yeah, it's not like I *need* to be in a hurry.

I'm going to spend some time exploring my own curiosities and following my spirit. I'm also going to cultivate the friends I already have. I want to do activities that make me smile, like picking apples or mushrooms this weekend. I'm also researching different spiritual groups (there's an interesting church near where I live that is non-traditional...) Maybe I'll join a choir or perhaps do a little theater... We'll see.  I'm okay with meeting people and striking up a conversation with someone, as demonstrated by my serenading dinner companion the other night *lol*. I'm okay with the idea of hanging out. The rest? Well, the rest can take care of itself. When I sit in the quiet of my office after a busy day is over, I know my life is upbeat, present, healthy and happy. Anything on top of that is gravy. :).

Peace,

MaryKate 

Dating again...hmmm

45/100

Soooo I have decided I think I am ready to enter back into the world of 'dating' again. I think enough time has passed and I believe I have resolved issues with the end of previous relationships. I wish I was more excited. I mean I *am* excited and I've talked to some really nice guys... It's just kind of daunting and it can be an emotional roller coaster ride.

I realized this time I am in a new space. Confident in myself and not desperate for anyone or any particular experience. I cut ties that have lasted a long, long time. It feels almost odd not to carry them around, but I find myself so much happier without them.

I'm down a few more pounds I'm not in any hurry with that either. I am who I am. :). I suppose that makes 30 since January. I'm hoping to make it closer to 50 by the time January rolls around again. I'll keep you posted. *chuckle* I have water slides to navigate again and a goddaughter who will drag me on every one of them! *smile*

So I've checked a few different web sites. I'm not completely sure I want to dig into web sites again. Lord. It's the bars of the 80s and I hated those. The biggest problem I find with online dating is that when you meet someone online, it is so easy to fall into unrealistic expectations based on email conversations. I always find it a good idea to meet quickly... But one thing I have realized? I don't want to settle for 'comfortable'. I've watched people do that and it doesn't usually end well. And? *I* don't want to be the one settled with... so hey... it could take some time to find that good guy in my life... 

I am a relatively optimistic person :). I like that about myself. And I believe? There is a good guy out there because I am a good gal and there is someone out there that will appreciate that and not dump me for... well... someone else. So on the one hand? I'm pretty excited about meeting that person. On the other hand? Online dating seems like a meat market of high expectations and old photos that are supposed to be 'recent'. Okay guys... I may be a bad judge of age, but you are NOT 49. Ummm? Being honest is such a better policy... And sometimes some of these websites people get to 'rate' your profile! I had enough of people 'rating' me in high school. I think I will avoid those sites.

I think I'll also avoid the people who just send me messages without even reading my profile. For example this fine 'hello' from a  ' conservative, god-loving, christian, romantic guy'.  I wrote back, "Hi! I'm not sure that a conservative god-loving christian would really want to spend much time with a bleeding heart liberal pagan. Best wishes" I'm not a pagan, but I thought... wow dude... did you even LOOK at my profile? I'm going with NO. Thus? I'm gonna pass on desperate. I'm also passing on "well he's nice so I'll say hello back." If I read a profile and I'm not interested? I'm not going to spend a lot of time 'chatting'. Maybe that sounds crazy but I have so many wonderful friends in my life already... I'm not really looking for a good friend. And I simply can't see myself being deeply involved with someone who doesn't share most of my core values, I tried that once. Not such a great idea.

I also think that I would rather meet someone upfront somewhere. Maybe in a real place. I wonder if I want to join an organization, or a spiritual group... I don't know. I had a dream about it - I trust those. So I guess I'll just take this experience as I see it and feel it. One day at a time. I trust that life will unfold.

I have had people tell me that a relationship will just happen if it is meant to. I relay the following joke in that situation: A (blond, wolverine, brunette, pick your inappropriate social group here) was sitting in the living room of her house. She prayed to God to win the lottery. No luck. Next night she says if God will let her win the  lottery, she will buy a new house and fill it with paintings of saints! Nothing. Next night? She gets really desperate so she begs God that if God will let her win the lottery she will buy a house fill it with saints, help the poor and needy and adopt orphans. Finally, God gets frustrated and says to her, "Hey how about you start by BUYING a LOTTERY ticket!!!!"

dah dum dum! And thus my weak but appropriate example.

I don't think that things 'just happen'. I also don't think you can force something to happen if it isn't going to. In order to meet someone I have to be willing to risk and put myself out there. I'm willing to do that and I'm willing to pay the price of admission. I guess I'll just see what happens next and enjoy the experience as I go... :)

Peace,

MaryKate