Remember that 'dating' blog entry???

51/100


So, my blog Dating again...hmmm that I wrote all of 5 days ago? I'd like to retract that one please. I might have been jumping the gun. I forgot how much dating isn't fun. Until you find mutuality,  you are stuck being either the rejector or the rejected and *neither* position feels good. It doesn't matter if you are rejected by someone you've loved for years, someone you've loved for months, or someone you've loved for moments. It. Still. Sucks.

I think, perhaps the hardest thing, is how I've gone about meeting people in my late 30s/ early 40s. Most of these guys are guys I've first 'met' online. I've never seen them, but I've build up a story in my head no matter how hard I've tried *not* to do that.  I get to present the sane, best side of  myself - he does too. On paper/screen, we seem to have so much in common. Then? We meet and I realize (or he does), no way. Or even while we are chatting I think, um...this isn't going to work. Then I have to tell another person (who might still be excited by the idea of further deepening the relationship) that it isn't going to work. I feel bad, the other person feels bad. No way around it. I rethink everything I said, wonder if there wasn't a better way to say it... then pick myself up and do it all over again.

Yeah. I didn't even make it to the first date. I'm not sure I trust myself right now. I keep being told that I don't listen. That I don't hear what a guy is actually saying. I swear I actually spent the last relationship I was in working HARD to listen to what the dude was saying because I don't always trust what he says. I was crazy enough to think we were at *least* in the same chapter. Nope. Not even in the same damn book. Over and over again guys say,  "I *never* said that, MK. I don't know where you got that idea, but I *never* said it." 

And I think, ... am I making shit up? Am I an idiot? Am I stupid?

I am none of these things. And I believe I  'hear' what a guy says. I do think, however, that two things are going on. On my side I'm attached to a certain outcome and it colors my perceptions of what the guy is saying. On his side, I think people say things they don't always mean when they want to make someone happy. Once upon a time I was dating someone who was crazy about me. Every time I looked into this person's eyes? I knew I couldn't return that level of devotion. I *wanted* to... but I knew I couldn't. I found myself saying all kinds of things to make the other happy. I said things at the moment that I believed, but knew deep down weren't going to happen. Perhaps because *I* hoped on some level that *maybe* I could feel those things. But I didn't. And the end of that relationship was painful; to this day I wish I had ended it better... with more compassion. I guess I've learned each time I've loved. It doesn't get easier. Even when I've thought, ohhh I *found* it! I found a relationship with someone who loves me and we now get to build a life together! Even then there aren't any guarantees. 

I hope I don't sound morose, or bitter or angry. I'm not. I just realize the way I have gone about meeting people or reconnecting with people from my past, hasn't really worked so well for me... So for a while? I'm going to stop actively seeking a 'partner' I'm going to do things that make me happy. One of my dearest friends was in her 50s before she met the man of her dreams. So yeah, it's not like I *need* to be in a hurry.

I'm going to spend some time exploring my own curiosities and following my spirit. I'm also going to cultivate the friends I already have. I want to do activities that make me smile, like picking apples or mushrooms this weekend. I'm also researching different spiritual groups (there's an interesting church near where I live that is non-traditional...) Maybe I'll join a choir or perhaps do a little theater... We'll see.  I'm okay with meeting people and striking up a conversation with someone, as demonstrated by my serenading dinner companion the other night *lol*. I'm okay with the idea of hanging out. The rest? Well, the rest can take care of itself. When I sit in the quiet of my office after a busy day is over, I know my life is upbeat, present, healthy and happy. Anything on top of that is gravy. :).

Peace,

MaryKate