Sunday, December 15, 2013



Today feels like a day of 'almosts'.

It is almost a year since Candace passed away. I think about her almost every day. Almost every day I want to call her or talk to her. Not a day goes by that I don’t think the world is a little less bright without her in it. I almost made it through the day without crying.


It is almost four months since M came to live with me. While we are certainly over the ‘honeymoon’ phase, and rapidly moving into the ‘how do I navigate this new life’ phase, I am almost certain that this is normal. I am almost certain I am strong enough to do the work I need to do to be a good parent. There are times, however, I question my strength and my patience. I am almost sure this, too, is normal. Not a day goes by that I am not aware of how much I love her and that I am glad she is here. I am almost sure that in time, we will be stronger for having gone through this together.


It is almost 2014. I am almost overwhelmed by how much my life has changed in almost 365 days. I’m not sure how my life will change in 2014, but I am almost certain it will change and then change again. I am almost sure I will do my best to handle it with love and grace. Almost every moment I am aware how fortunate I am to have an amazing partner, wonderful family and incredible friends, people who gently remind me I am loved and valued. I am certain that without them, I wouldn’t be who I am or how I am in the world. As I sit here singing along with Andy Williams, I am almost ready to take on 2014.


But through every ‘almost’ today, I allowed myself to just experience it with as much grace as I could muster. I cried. I got frustrated. I got angry. I smiled. I laughed. I got the most amazing gift of love from my boyfriend - maybe the kindest gift anyone has ever given me. I still get teary when I think about his kindness. And I keep telling myself that this is just a hard time of year. And as I sit here watching a recorded “Andy Williams Christmas” special, I am reminded of how I loved these Christmas specials as a child. When, as a family, we all sat around the one television in the house and watched and sang along all those years ago.  I find myself smiling and singing along, now. And I realize my dad, my sister, my brothers, myself, we all made it through difficult times and we turned out pretty okay.

And that is what I hold on to. That as hard as this time of year can be, as difficult as transition is, as chaotic and messy as life gets? I’m here. I’m healthy and I’m sure that love is enough to get through the hard times.

Well… almost.