Pardon me, did I get emotional vomit on your shoe?

48/100

I had a wonderful day today. The Writer's Conference was inspiring and so was the lunch I had with a friend. We sat, looked out over the water and talked about writing, where our stories come from, our dreams and Jesus.

I like Jesus. And we talked about liking Jesus. And I told her of a situation in my life right now that has caused me to confront some parts of myself that are... complicated concerning religion. I'm not talking about my beliefs again, I covered that pretty well here. But I very much enjoyed our lively discussion about god, Jesus, life, the world. It was an absolutely wonderful afternoon. We didn't see eye to eye on everything, but we navigated our differences respectfully.

Yesterday she and I were talking and I said something I felt was harsh. I brought it up at lunch. I apologized and she asked why I felt the need to apologize. The thrust of the conversation was that she had said something that had pushed a button in me. Instead of processing how I was feeling, I jumped into the conversation and disagreed with her. What I was apologizing for was practically cutting her off with my need to get my opinion inserted into the conversation. I took my emotional frustration out on *her* instead of making my feelings of unease about *me*. I apologized for emotionally vomiting on her. She said she was used to that, she worked in an office of guys that often dismiss her. Then? I felt even worse. Anyhow, we talked through the situation and  I believe we both had a better perspective on why  I reacted in the way that I did. I was grateful for the chance to apologize and I learned a lot from our conversation about it.

One of the faults in my life that I've been working on lately is feeling the need to comment on every conversation. I've been trying to process and practice not interjecting my thoughts into every discussion. I have been consciously asking myself: Does my addition to the conversation add to or further the discussion? What is the value-add to me speaking right now? Am I only speaking because I feel uncomfortable in the silence? Is speaking right now about me wanting attention or approval? Is putting my opinion on the table useful or productive?

If the value is positive, I might go ahead and share. But if what I am adding is only me interjecting my opinion onto the person telling his/her story? It is not only unnecessary, it is rude and detracts from the person speaking.

I have spent much of my life speaking out my thoughts in groups - easily, quickly, loudly and emphatically. In the past I haven't been particularly comfortable in silence, which has also caused me to blurt things out. Shockingly, the world doesn't always need to know my thoughts (yeah the irony that I just wrote those words in a BLOG is not lost on me). Usually? I have spoken up in groups because I wanted approval or because I wanted to be 'liked' or perceived as 'smart'. Also, I am a natural extrovert and much of my processing comes externally. As I spend more time learning about myself and growing, I realize those reasons aren't healthy.

I think I noticed that I am shifting my way of being in groups because of an incident that happened this weekend. At the keynote speaker event, after giving her lecture,  Natalie Goldberg invited questions about the writing process. One woman stood up and started talking about how her mother had never encouraged her and how her family no longer spoke to her. When Natalie Goldman gave the 'mmm' in a sympathetic tone, the woman who was still going on about how cut off she was from her family got upset saying, "I would appreciate you not saying 'mmm' as I am standing here trying not to cry and that isn't helping." Natalie graciously replied that she identified with struggles the woman was presenting. So, the woman asking the now *very* drawn out question went on a bit more about her family, and finally Natalie gently but firmly said, "So what is the question here?"

And I realized the important part for me wasn't the question(which believe it or not I can't even *remember*), but the shock I felt. I sat there listening to this woman, this stranger, this young attractive lady, emotionally vomit all over 500 people. That this young lady would stand up and share such deeply personal information to a room full of strangers made me turn and look at my friend only to see my friend was as puzzled as I was. I started to contemplate the questioner's motives and I realized she was pushing my buttons because in the past,  *I* have done that.

I even started to think about graduation speeches. And why I cry every year. And I wondered, who is that crying about? Me or the student? It is something I will have to spend more time processing, because I am wondering if I need to rethink my graduation speeches and what I share. Is my raw vulnerability on the stage necessary? Does my crying end up detracting from the speech? Does my crying make the speech about *me* not about the student standing up on that stage? All real questions. All issues I have to spend some time processing. Don't misunderstand, my crying is never an 'act'. But it comes because I write very emotionally honest speeches. The crying comes because I put myself out there because I want the audience to really *see* in the student standing there the amazing human being *I* see. And I'm wondering if that is really necessary... perhaps there is a way to do that without being so emotionally invested - because I really do wonder if the people in the audience? Are uncomfortable when they see me struggle to get through my graduation speeches.

So tonight I am getting out a good novel (on my Kindle), perhaps lighting a fire and spending some non-tv time with myself and my nutty cat. I am not really ready to dig into the whole "am I  being emotionally irresponsible when I give graduation speeches" question yet, but I am realizing that it is one thing to share and it is another thing to emotionally vomit all over someone else. I don't emotionally vomit all over people during graduation, but I have, in the past, been known to act from an emotional place and ram my opinions down someone else's throat because I am anxious or upset. This weekend was a good opportunity for me to see some of  my own human foibles and to illuminate some pieces of myself that, while I may not be fond of, I can use as an opportunity to grow and become a healthier more compassionate person.

Peace,

MaryKate