Back at it

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So, here I am. Back at it. Sometimes, I feel like I am on a perpetual, pointless wheel. Try to get healthier, fail at getting healthier, get back up. Dust off. Try to get healthier, fail at getting healthier, get back up. You get the idea.

This summer I am determined to do 3 things.

1) Be more mindful of my health.

2) Be more mindful of my finances.

3) Be more mindful of my Self.

Short list. Lots of drama and shame with the first two. And a new attempt at better self-care with the third one. I am working one day a week this summer. Not even a full day. A half day. Now is the time for me to make some adjustments in my life and dedicate myself to following them for the next two months. Small changes and being more mindful. I don't feel overwhelmed, I feel focused. And I'm posting so I can come back to this page and remember the clarity in this moment.

1) Be more mindful of my health.
Goal number one is a 2 parter. Part one is that I am walking the dog every day. Started out today with 1.5 miles. I hope to be up to five miles by the end of the summer. Certainly not a huge goal and not unreasonable. I am also considering getting a personal trainer to help me, but right now, financially that isn't really possible. *See goal number two. If I just do my walking, and throw in some biking this summer, that should be enough. I am the classic example of over-estimating what I can do, failing and then giving up. I'm going to focus on one or two things I can do without needing anyone to monitor me. I am however, thinking about a fitband. Mostly because I have heard good things about them. However, seeing as the whole point of goal number two is to be more financially responsible, I'm going to wait a while before I get one - if I get one. I have some apps on my phone that will do perfectly well for my current needs.

Part two of the first goal, is to be mindful of the food I put into my body. Yes, there will be days I don't eat so well, but in general: smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and a lean, healthy dinner. That doesn't seem ridiculous. If I can get in the routine of eating smart this summer, I want to believe that when my life is more stressful this winter and I am back at work, I can stay mindful about my eating because 'stress eating' won't be my norm. I'm also hoping to find some recipes that are easy, so when I get home and I am exhausted, I don't have to cook a full meal. Having tried to tackle biting my nails for 20 years, I recognize how difficult it is to rework ingrained behavior. Not to mention the chemical addiction to food that I've used my whole life to numb my senses and take the edge off anxiety. With better regulated exercise, I am hoping I can manage anxiety in a more healthy way. 

2) Be more mindful of my finances.
Ugh. I don't even like to put this on my blog. Believe it or not, it is way more shameful to me than my eating issues. I have a terrible relationship with money. I'd like to change that this summer. While I don't spend money recklessly or irresponsibly, I do spend money mindlessly. I want to be more mindful of what I spend, when I spend it and how I spend it. Starting with eliminating eating out simply because I am too tired to cook. *See goal number one. It's all circular - wheels in wheels. If I regulate my finances better? I will be automatically regulating my health better. While my finances certainly aren't an A#1 disaster, I'd like to not *be* in a disaster zone in order to live my life. I am one of the millions of paycheck to paycheck people. I certainly make enough money to support myself and my child, but it is time for me to be more mindful of not only this moment, but to think about future expenses and responsibly save for them. Having no savings is terrifying, and it is time for me to rethink how I see money and my relationship with it. Not to mention eliminating the shame of feeling irresponsible. Being more mindful will help not only my finances, but my self-esteem in terms of how I see myself. 

3) Be more mindful of my Self.
I am a giver. I remember I used to tell people I knew who were givers to be careful, or they would give themselves away. I do not feel like I have given myself away. I do, however, recognize that it is time for me to put myself first. On Shark Tank, I remember one of the entrepreneurs saying, "Pay yourself, first. THEN invest in your company." I need to pay myself first. And I need to be okay with doing that. Most of the time, I put my daughter or my boyfriend or my family or my job or my friends or or or before myself. If I just 'give' enough, people will think I am worthy of being loved. Another old pattern I have to eliminate. I am working to understand how to balance the needs of those I love, with the needs of my own Self. Goal one and two are good ways to start putting myself first, but I also know that it is more than just being healthy and financially secure. I need to remember to take time for myself. To find my joy and allow myself to feel it. I want to write this summer. To read this summer. To spend time alone as well as with others. I want to finish the novel I am working on, if for no other reason than I want to know how it ends! 

All of these goals imply taking a more active role in my own life. Owning my life choices and moving forward with them. 

I don't have some 'perfect' weight in my head, or 'perfect' amount of money saved, or 'perfect' day created in my head. I am evolving. It's a process. I sort of see it as there is no failing. I haven't set up these goals with failing in mind. Instead, I am investing in a process. One to help me be more present and mindful in my life.

I'll try to post once a week to keep up to date on how I am doing. I truly appreciate all of your support, love and your continued belief that real change can happen and that new ways of thinking and being are possible.