Because it turns out, writing a novel is just like life

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I had this moment today. This moment of thinking about how much easier it has been in my life at times to quit when things start to get difficult.

I'm working on a novel. A novel I have been working on for over a year. I have a couple of those stuck away in a file on my computer. Okay, more than a couple. This one, however, is different.

This novel is the first story I have ever really loved. It's the first time I really understand when novelists say things like "Oh the characters told me their story!" It is so true. I literally have no idea what is going to happen. None. I have vague ideas. But this story is the first one where I have gone to bed not knowing what I was going to write, and either had a dream about it, or the moment I opened my eyes I just knew what was coming next.

So I keep at it. Parts of it I like, parts of it I don't like. I don't like that I killed one of my favorite characters. I don't like that I don't know what is coming next. I love my main character and I wish I had her strength when I was her age. But then, I can just use my daughter as a role model for my character to know what that looks like.

What I realized, is that I could just let this novel go. It's getting hard now. The first twelve chapters flowed out of me. But now I have characters I don't like. I have a story line that is convoluted and complicated. And the worst part is that I have absolutely no idea where this story is going. And that is scary. Because I could keep writing and this story and it could go NOWHERE! And then what do I have - twelve chapters I like and a bunch of crap!

It might not seem like a novel is like losing weight or life for that matter. But for me, starting the process of losing weight, or writing a novel, is easy. I have an idea, I have a goal. I have control. I set everything up, I get it ready and I am full steam ahead! For the first few weeks, it is no problem. I have determination. I lose weight. I write like a crazy woman. My carefully crafted plan works perfectly.

Then, I crash. It gets hard. The 'easy' weight no longer comes off. Life gets in the way. I JUST WANT A DAMN PIZZA. Whatever the reason is, the honeymoon is over. Now I have to decide which I want more - to lose weight and push through how difficult it is, or talk myself into going back to what is 'usual' and convenient. It's back to the idea of 'courage vs. complacency'.

This is the hard part for me. Setting a goal and living up to the promise I have made myself about following through with that goal. I can make promises to others and live up to those, but living up to the promises I make myself? Not so easy.

So today, I am going to walk the dog. We're up to two plus miles a day and I am proud of that. Since writing my blog  'back at it' on June 23rd, I've walked a total of 15.48 miles, by Sunday this week I'd like to be at 20. I'm proud of that. But it is just a start. Right now I'm hitting that place where it is much more comfortable on the couch with my coffee near me and my dog curled up at my feet and writing my blog, than it is throwing on some clothes, clipping on that leash and going for a walk.

But if I have learned anything this summer already, it is that follow through is just as important as initiation. Sticking with something when it pushes against my own resistance is probably the real lesson I am learning this summer. Yes, there are times when walking away is the right thing to do. And knowing when to let go of a goal and when to push on through the hard stuff is a big part of this lesson. But when it comes to promises I make myself: to get healthy, to finish my novel, to get my finances in order, these are promises that are important. They help shape who I am. They show my daughter what a healthy person looks like. But then, maybe the lesson here isn't health, wealth and happiness. Maybe the lesson is believing I can have those things because I am determined to keep going when making those things happen feels almost overwhelming. Perhaps self care is the real lesson I am learning and showing to my daughter.

So, for this novel? I am pushing through the difficult stuff. For this walking commitment I made to myself? I am pushing through the comfortable stuff to keep increasing my daily goals.

Good heavens, I'm 46 years old! If I don't figure out how to follow through on promises I make to myself, when I am going to learn the lesson that I am as valuable to myself as I think I am to other people? Walking, writing, those are things that mean something to me. Taking better care of myself. Pursuing something that I enjoy. No one ever has to read my novel for me to feel like I accomplished my goal of writing one. No one ever has to look at me and think I am attractive or think I am healthy. That being said, seems to me that perhaps, it is time I think those things about myself.

Peace,

MaryKate