Because you got to have 'frieeeeeends... la la la la la la la

65/100

This morning as I was making my breakfast, I had a crazy 'insight' flash in the kitchen. I get those sometimes. You know, I'm minding my own business, warming up my leftover egg casserole in the microwave when *bam* out of the blue I have this insight. Usually I hear a voice along with it, but that might make me sound crazy, so this morning I'm going to go with *just* the insight and leave the 'voice' out of it. ;).

Now, this insight may not be so life changing for you, but for me? It's as if my energy just shifted and I suddenly realized something I haven't ever really grasped before.

I'm dating right now. Met this guy. I dig him. He's got a great smile, great eyes... blahblahblah. It's been a bit turbulent because we met, then a week later I went to Ohio. Also, he's been working a couple of different jobs to make extra money this holiday so he has been really busy. The chemistry is way there, but I've been trying to process what it is that has been making me feel so out of sorts about it.

To start, I have been insecure. Alternatively thinking "this isn't going to work" to "ohh I *want* this to work". Roller coaster ride. It isn't this guy. It is *every* person I go out with. I get on this crazy expectation train and then start to over analyze and over-process what is going on. I end up processing with my sister and friends trying to figure things out. Last night I hit a wall with it. Started to see a pattern in my life and then this morning? Big ah HA! moment.

What I realized is that I change when I start to 'see' someone. I get anxious. I think I talked about this before. I become demure, quiet and I become needy. I question myself, start to question my abilities to navigate a 'relationship'. I put all these expectations on my partner and on myself. I will behave this way, my partner will behave this way and I will understand what is going on because I have it all under control. For example, "I will text every day and HE will text every day and even if we don't see each other we will connect EVERY day" and somehow that will make it all better...

So far? This relationship has *not* been like that. And last night I realized how lost in the 'expectations' I had become.

Then? I started thinking about the dinner I had with a friend of mine two nights ago. Love her and we haven't seen each other in probably four years. Our lives went separate ways for a while and I think she was worried *I* was upset and I was worried *she* was upset and guess what? NEITHER of us was upset and we laughed for hours and talked all afternoon when we saw each other again.

The question I asked myself this morning in the kitchen was, "Why can she and I see each other after several years and it was like we hadn't been apart, and yet in my romantic relationships, I can't go four days without hearing from the person without freaking out?"

I thought to myself, "Well, maybe I am more vulnerable in romantic relationships" but that isn't true. I tell my friends my deepest truths. I am supported by my friends, but they tell me the truth and I listen and process it with them. I sometimes hide my deepest fears and anxieties from the person I am dating because I fear rejection or discomfort.

What I finally realized this morning is something my sister has been hinting at but I'm not sure either of us really put it into words. When she started dating someone recently, she told me, "Why would I want to date someone that didn't make me laugh and that I couldn't talk to like you, MK?"

And this morning in the kitchen I realized exactly what she means. Dating for me, should be about finding a 'friend' not finding a 'husband'(because god knows if I EVER want to get married again). What I mean by that is that if I can't laugh and joke and be myself with the person I am dating? I shouldn't be dating that person. Now, I do think dating is taking friendship to another level. I certainly don't want to be intimate with my 'friends', and I know that adding 'intimacy' to a relationship changes the parameters of the 'friendship'.

The 'problem' as I see it, is in the past, I have dated and partnered with people I wouldn't have chosen to have as a friend. People that didn't treat me as well as my friends, didn't understand me as well as my friends, didn't want to get to know me as well as my friends and more, people that weren't *able* to do that. I changed my standards because *I* change when I date. I become more reserved and I pretend I'm not as intelligent as I am because guys seem intimidated by it. Some of the guys I have been partners with have felt that they needed to 'teach me' to be less opinionated, they needed to 'correct' how I see things. They needed to 'counter' my intelligence by disagreeing so that I could 'change' to how I present myself to a more 'acceptable (according to them)' way of being. Often, I think they do it because they feel intimidated. But my friends? Don't do that. They may say to me, "MK, that's harsh" or "MK, what do you mean by that?" My friends LIKE who I am. They may disagree with me at times, but they are kind in how they disagree. They love me and they process with me to help ME become a better person. The people in my life that are my friends listen and laugh and share their lives and help push me to grow outside of my comfort zone without being cruel or unkind. Those that are unkind? Don't get a second visit to my house or my life.

I realized, in the kitchen this morning, that not only do I want chemistry with the person I am dating, I want to establish a solid friendship as well. I can let go of this pressure to hear from this person all the time, let go of this neediness - I don't expect that from a friend I don't need to expect that from someone I am dating.

However, the catch? Is that I realize I have higher standards for my friends than I do for the people I date! So from now on, I will be comparing the people I date to my friends. If this person doesn't make me laugh, doesn't want to really get to know me, isn't interested in my life or what is happening in my family, isn't curious about how I think and how I see the world, and doesn't think I am amazing? I am not interested. Because I think and want ALL those things from people I see as a friend. I want to know about my friend's lives and I am curious about how my friends think. AND? there has to be chemistry. Because I have lived through a relationship that was just 'friends' and that doesn't work either. There has to be that spark, the desire for each other BUT it has to come with wanting a deep friendship with that person. Otherwise? Chemistry burns out, but true friendship lasts a lifetime.

If the person I want to date, doesn't meet the standards I set for the people I consider my friend? Then I shouldn't be dating that person - it isn't healthy. And while I'm all clear that not all of my friends are people I would want to date, the person I want to date certainly has to be someone I would want as a friend.

Peace,

MaryKate