That Day... that day...

77/100

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I remember when I was young I loved Valentine's Day. I can't say I love it now, but I feel like I have cycled through a lot of different feelings about love, romance and 'that day' in my life. I recall how, when I was in college I was sure I hated Valentine's Day. On 'VDay' I wore black and screamed my anger at the 'Hallmark' advertisers that forced stupid romance down my throat for a WHOLE month! Oh how I hated the 'holiday'! I raged against it. How I hated the commercialization and I sent the evil eye at all the kissing couples. I rode my high horse, hard.

But at night, when I was alone,  I sat and cried. And I hated myself not the holiday. Hated that I was alone. Hated that every guy I liked always seemed to end up with my room mate. Hated that I was always the 'friend', but not the 'date'. One Valentine's Day? I brought my current crush to my house, we had dinner and watched a movie. It was late and he didn't want to drive so he slept on the couch... until I woke up the next morning and he came out of my roommate's room! AND I MADE THEM PANCAKES. Yep. That was my story.

In my mid twenties, I stopped hating Valentine's Day. Funny how my hatred for this 'BS holiday' seemed to disappear with falling in love. I hoped every single year for a ring. And every single year I got a funny card. Even though I was in a relationship, I was still the 'friend'. In my mid-thirties? I left and started all over again.Without going through my dating, my marriage and my divorce, I came to some sort of peace with this holiday. I realized my anger and frustration may have had some validity, but railing against this holiday wasn't the answer for me.

I had a date this weekend, I sort of wanted it to be a way to celebrate Valentine's Day since I knew we weren't going to be able to see each other again for a while. I really liked this guy and thought maybe there was a future unfolding... We were talking together and he started railing against the upcoming "Valentine's Day" holiday. I listened. He had his reasons for not liking Valentine's Day, and he really got upset talking about rings and spending so much money on blood diamonds and stolen gold. I said that I agreed, although, if I got married some day, I still wanted a ring. It didn't need to be fancy. But I wanted a momento that I could look at during the day and think of the person I was dedicated to being with. Let's just say we didn't see eye to eye on the subject. I appreciated his position. I respected his points. I couldn't really even argue with the points he was making about blood diamonds, and gold taken from land that was stolen. I understood why he would be so frustrated and angry. Some horrible things have been done to people and to the earth in the name of "gold" and "diamonds" and "wealth".

But in the end, I don't hate Valentine's Day anymore. I don't need to do something 'crazy' with it, I don't need flowers (that are jacked up in price) I don't need a fancy dinner, I don't need some 'big display' of diamonds, or gold or anything really. But I have spent my life fighting that I am romantic. I have not wanted to believe that I like sunsets, and magic, and beauty, and desire. I have spent my life NOT letting myself believe in those. Now? I want to believe in those things. Actually, more than 'want to', I do believe in those things. I want to be with someone who also believes in love and romance and joy and magic. I could live with someone not liking Valentine's Day, but anger over romance, is a deal-breaker for me. It's okay not to like all the commercialized trappings, but in many ways, I do like some of those things... and if I am going to spend my life with someone? I want to spend it with someone who can respect and share a connection to romance. Being romantic doesn't mean a $15k ring, or expensive house or any of that. But I do want to be with someone who wants to talk about rings together. Who wants to design them together so that they represent a shared connection that means something to both of us. I want to be with someone who thinks that there is something beautiful about love and romance... I asked a friend of mine what he and his wife were doing for Valentine's Day. He said, "We don't celebrate it on Feb. 14th. We think that date is expensive and stupid. We celebrate it on the first day of Spring, that was our first date."

I thought that was such a lovely answer.

So Valentine's Day, I don't "love" you. I recognize that really you are an overpriced, hyped, commercialized excuse for those who have someone to recognize them and those who don't to wish they did, but the 'idea' of you... the idea of romance, of love, of connection, of joy... well.. I think it is healthy to celebrate that every day...

Peace,

MaryKate