Ohhh SHINY thing...

75/100

I watched a show last night on PBS called A.D.D. and Loving it! I can't decide what to do with the information. This tv show, in an hour and a half summed up most of my life.

My whole life I have struggled with the effects of being ADD. I have tried to make excuses, I have tried to 'be quiet'. I remember my grandfather offering me $5 if I could sit still for 5 minutes. I couldn't.  All I know is that I laid on the couch last night, watching the video thinking... 'oh wow'. It was like a check list for my life. Is it a failure to have ADD? I mean, I know my whole life I have often been told if I'd just listen more, if I didn't talk so much, if I was quieter, if I could JUST organize my office/desk/life I could be so much more productive, if I just stopped fidgeting, if I didn't ask so many questions, if I could just quiet my brain down a little I could think better, if I could just focus more I could do SO much better on my tests/quizzes/studies, if I could only finish the things I started I'd be so much more successful...

The list? Goes on and on. My favorite though is the struggle I've had with my creativity. I have lived with people who get upset when I dream about possible futures. No, seriously, they would get really upset! Just because I dream something doesn't mean I have to make it happen. I LIKE to dream about things. I like to share those dreams and play with them. Does that mean I HAVE to make them happen? NO. And the person would get upset with me that I shared my dream and would consider me a failure because I never DID anything about it. Then? I'd feel like I was a failure. And all those joyful hours of fantasy and dreaming? Suddenly seemed shameful and 'unproductive' instead of affirming and happy. I loved all those hours of dreaming about owning land on Orcas Island or opening a soup shop. But just because I never did those things, doesn't make me a failure. It makes me a dreamer. That dreaming has led to my creativity. It is what makes my stories shine and my world livable. I like being a dreamer. I don't want to feel bad about it anymore...

Does our society have room for dreamers in this day and age? And is taking meds to help me focus and not spend so much time dreaming a good idea? I mean, it might make me more productive, but what about my writing? What about my dreaming? I have long railed against taking 'meds' to 'fix' people with ADD, but I wonder now if meds help a student/an adult be successful in an environment that isn't likely to adapt to the person. Is that really such a bad thing? I don't know. All these ideas are swirling around in my head. Like the ADD person that I am, I can't pick just one and focus on it...

Even as I realize I'm struggling with these questions today, I also realize I have struggled with them my entire life. I am trying to navigate understanding how my mind works and its creativity while balancing that notion with the reality that being more focused would make it easier to figure out my finances."Creative" financing? Has not been really productive in my world. ;).

So what is the next step? I'm not sure. I know I need to do more research about the topic. I know that perhaps I should go get 'tested' for it, but what I do with that information? I don't know. I know that the healthy thing to do is to not ignore the situation any longer, but look at it as a part of who I am and go from there.

Peace,

MaryKate