Because you're special in every single way
Because you're special no matter what you're parents say...
~Captain Wonderful and the Less Than Perfects

76/100

When I was a child, I wanted more than anything to be special. I would make up stories that I pretended were true to impress people. I wanted ESP sooo badly! I thought if I could tell the future I would be uber special. I wanted to sing better than *anyone* so that people would know I was special. I mistakenly thought that being special meant being loved.

As I got older, I began to seek out ways to be special. I had a knack for reading tarot cards and I found that people, indeed, thought I was special. I loved that feeling. Some people liked how I read the cards, some people? Not so much. But using tarot cards was a wonderful way to meet people, to learn about them and more, to learn about myself. I was good at it, and people liked me for it. And hey, I liked feeling special, so throughout most of my twenties and early thirties? I was your girl if you needed a card reading. I was deep in the New Age movement. I thrived on it.

I'm not sure when all that changed for me. What I am about to say may offend some of you. I apologize now if I do, that is not my intent. This has been a journey of discovery for me, a journey of being healthy. And one of the ways I have found to be more healthy, is to realize some of the beliefs I have held on to, didn't really promote my mental health. Some of my beliefs were simply a way to make me feel special.

I think the switch started with the whole 'Indigo' child movement. I was very into the Neale Donald Walsch "Conversations with God" movement. I do not regret that time, I derived quite a bit from his perception that God can speak to you from your own heart. Until he became the 'guy with all the answers', I really liked what he had to say. Then? He started to think he was 'special' and pretty soon? His teachings and such reflected that belief about himself. He isn't the only one who fell off his pedestal in my eyes, all the teachers I sought, Mary Summerrain, Hank Wesselman, Dan Milleman... they all sort of fell off the pedestal I put them on and became human. Nothing wrong with that. (Ted Andrews is perhaps the one exception to this story. He understood that he was no more or less in 'touch' than any other and somehow he shared that idea in every class of his I took. Although he has passed, I will always have a sacred place for him in my heart, because he showed me what a true teacher could be like.) I remember I was at a conference for 'Light Workers' in Columbus. I was in a workshop called: "Indigo Child: Raising and being around these special children". I found myself getting upset. The leader of the class (I can't remember her name now) was going on and on about how special these children were. How they were more 'elevated' than others. How they were 'old souls' come to 'move the planet into its next phase of evolution'. How we needed to pay special attention to these very special children. I think I might of gotten up and walked out. I was so frustrated. I remember asking why THESE specific children were more valuable than the REST of the children being born. And the instructor looked at me with 'pity' in her eyes. Sad that I couldn't embrace this important information. How could I not understand? I must not be 'special' enough to understand how 'special' these specific, cherished children were. I was angry. I was angry because I believed then and I believe now that NO child is more special than another child.

But I think that is when I started listening to some of the verbiage that not only 'new age' people used, but many religious people in general. One thing in particular that started to frustrate me was this concept of 'new' and 'old' souls. I think it really hit home with me when I was in Hawaii taking a 'Shamanic Training' class. We were doing journey work. We were supposed to go to see where new souls were being 'born'. And I remember thinking, very clearly, "I don't believe in old and new souls!" When I expressed that sentiment, I was told I was wrong and that there are definitely  old and new souls. I thought... says who?  How do YOU or anyone else KNOW that? You can have 'faith' in what you believe, but it doesn't make it the ONE RIGHT WAY. I have been told my whole life that I am an 'old soul'. But what I realized? Is that it is just ONE more layer of "I'm special" seeking behavior. What does the phrase, "I am an old soul" mean? To me it says, I am wiser than you are. I know more than you do. I am 'evolved'! You poor 'young' soul, if you were an older soul you'd be part of my more 'knowing' group.  How incredibly condescending. Of course my being frustrated by it could very well mark me as being a young soul. *chuckle* Methinks I do protest too much, perhaps?

I suppose I may come across as being angry or harsh, but really? I am no wiser or older than anyone else doing his/her best to navigate life on this planet. Saying you are an 'old soul' or WORSE looking down on me because I do not agree with you and therefore must be a 'YOUNG' soul is just one more level of separation we put between us. How is that different than saying, "I am a Baptist, you are a Hindu. My view of God is right your view is wrong." Is saying you are an old soul, not just a way to make yourself feel special? We want to believe we have a unique voice among a sea of voices. I get that. What I don't understand is why we have to be special by being 'apart from'... why can't we be special by being 'a part of'?

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to feel special. I don't know that we can truly step outside that desire. We all have a place in our hearts that cries out to feel our own unique place in the world. I suppose I wouldn't have an issue with 'Indigo' children, or 'old soul' or any of those terms we use to classify ourselves except I think just being here on this planet at this time is special. Each human is special merely by the act of making choices, doing the best we know how to do and living the best we know how to live.

I don't care if you think of yourself as an "old" soul, an "indigo" child or whatever, just don't tell me I am less because I am different. I seek finding the things that bring us together, not divide us and keep us apart.

Peace,

MaryKate