Job Opening (due to recent retirement): She-Ra Champion of the High Road 

25/100

To forgive or not to forgive, that is what I struggle with. Lately, I feel more and more like I am clinging to the high road with bloodied fingernails. Everything that I have learned implies it is essential to take the high road. To rise above and to forgive. However, a very small (albeit powerful) dark part of myself just wants to tear out eyeballs...

and step on them.

Weirdly? I think I want to tear out mine.

I've tried taking deep breaths because breathing deeply is supposed to fix this sort of thing.

It helps

until I breathe out again.

Sometimes, I feel like I have my feet solidly on the high road. Heck, I've got a roadmap helping others along. I'm a walking freaking billboard of "I've got it all figured out - ness." I'm beyond mere mortal. I'm She-Ra, Champion of the High Road.

There is a saying in 12 step programs - 'fake it until you make it'. In this case? That's just about the worst advice I could possibly take. Because until I truly deal with why I feel like I am barely holding on to the high road in the first place, it's worse than simply bad advice. It's a baldfaced lie I'm telling to myself. Every time I force myself to say, "Hey, all is forgiven, all is peace. All is good. I am just a 'being of Love' and I want everyone to be happy." I dig myself into the lie all the deeper. And really, if just typing those words makes me want to throw up? There's a good chance chanting to myself that "I'm okay, you're okay" isn't a solution.

I grew up in a house where we were supposed to pretend bad things didn't happen. We ignored the elephant in the middle of the living room. We looked the other way and hid every uncomfortable feeling before anyone saw us *not* being perfect. We never admitted to feeling betrayed or abandoned or pushed aside. We didn't discuss feelings of worthlessness or shame. Those concepts? Those dark places? Were hung on the elephant like so many bells and decorations. And even as that elephant grew, we just learned to dance around it more skillfully.

I'm not feeling skillful or graceful now. And part of my issue is that my inability to maintain a peaceful existence on the high road is because I have a lifetime of forcing myself to walk there all 'noble' without ever examining  the foundation of the road. I'm pretty sure that high road is built on elephant dung.

So, hey, right now? I can't quite manage the high road in a few situations in my life. I'm not going to throw mud and I am not going to sink down into the muck. In general, I'm a relatively upbeat and positive person. However, I'm giving myself permission to give my fingernails a rest. I might just have to drop off the high road and try that 'middle' path I've heard so much about.

I wonder if by walking that middle path for a while and truly recognizing when I feel abandoned, hurt, unappreciated and frustrated, I can learn to navigate those emotions more successfully. I have a feeling that middle ground I've heard about so often just might be the true high road. Not the 'high road' where I sacrifice who I am and what my needs are in order to keep the peace and keep everyone happy, nor the low road where I just rail against those who done me wrong (like a good country song), but the middle road created by taking care of myself and being honest about how I am feeling.

I guess it isn't about the high, middle or low road at all. Maybe what I am learning is how to take the 'healthy' road. (which doesn't make a nearly as good country song...:)

Peace,

MaryKate