ch _ _ ch... what's missing? UR

28/100

I went with my friend to church today. I haven't been to a Catholic church in many, many years. I went a couple of times in college because two of my closest friends at that time were both Catholic. I grew up Missouri Lutheran, so I pretty much knew what I was doing and all the creeds and such.

When I was younger I thought there was such mystery in a church. I remember how I loved to sit in the pews when no one else was in the church and just look at the candles. Our church was a stark one, and very conservative. But at 12, I didn't know about that sort of thing. Later on in my life I can remember wandering through Mexico loving the churches and the beauty of the stained glass and cathedrals. I felt the ancient mystery there and it was impressive to me.

I have wandered into and out of different churches since college. I had a conversation with my father once about the Power of Myth. He said to me, "Believing in God isn't a problem, believing in a personal god, you got problems." I asked him what he meant and like the most irritating koan out there, he didn't say. I railed against him. "I have a personal God", I shouted, "I have an incredible relationship with God!" He just shook his head.

Once I understood what he was trying to say, my relationship with god was never the same. First of all, I didn't even want to use the word 'god'. For a while I used "goddess" but I got frustrated at most of the 'goddess' worshipers I met. Most of them seemed to just be really pissed off "god" worshipers. They hated each other and hate wasn't what I was seeking. It seems a lot of people played the 'my god/dess is better than your god/dess' game and I got sick and tired of all of them. Wars being fought in the name of religion... trade centers crumbling and being blamed on religion... it seems like everyone had the ONE RIGHT WAY... and no one knew how to listen to each other anymore, unless you purchased with your soul their ONE RIGHT WAY bumper sticker.

I tried a more 'humanitarian' church. Unitarian Universalist. It was a good fit for a while... but their all out refusal to use the word god started to irritate me as well. I didn't want to get RID of divinity in my life, I just wanted a way to touch it again...

Then I went through a big existential crisis. There I was... the woman who for all of her life had this amazing relationship with divinity, not even knowing how to pray anymore. Not even liking the word prayer. This time in my life was the most difficult time ever. I felt outside of myself. I had been studying myths so much I couldn't see the forest for the trees. How could I believe ANYTHING??? The stories were beautiful, but all the magic of the myth were lost.

I'd say the last five years of my life have been lost. I have felt outside of myself and my spirituality.

But lately I have felt more myself than I have in a long time. I feel connected again to the magic that is life. I still try to avoid the word "god" or "goddess" or any name to a concept that is beyond my capacity to name it or define it. The minute you start to define you get religion and clearly.. I have some issues with those...

I realized today, I won't be going back to any form of rigid dogma again. Today? I couldn't even see the beauty of the mystery. I just felt so angry with all the talk of sin and guilt. I wanted to walk out of the church when a woman got up and said how proud she was that she was picketing the Planned Parenthood in Everett. I know people who use that Planned Parenthood, that organization does a great deal more than the one thing she felt it was her duty to prevent.

But I am wretched? I am sin? I am an unworthy sinner in the eyes of their god? I couldn't even enjoy the singing today because I kept listening to the words of the music, the sermon and the messages. I could barely get through "Amazing Grace" which used to be one of my favorites. In all fairness, I wasn't brought up Catholic, but Missouri Lutheran is similar in many many ways. The whole service didn't work for me and it truly bothered me. In the past I could sit and appreciate the faith of others. I could have heard the talk about the poor and how it is our job to minister to the poor and enjoyed it. But not today. Today I couldn't get past the message of guilt and sin and how much I felt that the words that were said were one thing and the actions were quite another. I realized the days when I could just go and sit in a church and soak up the mystery of the experience are over.

Then I went to Deception Pass (the irony of the name is not lost on me). My friend walked around while I sat and stared at the ocean. The smell of the water, the gulls, the breeze, the beauty... I felt closer to my spirit than I have in a long time. It was renewing. It was affirming. It was magical.

So in the end, I am grateful for today. I'm not going to lie, I am frustrated that others want to tell me how to believe. I do not think I'll ever be able to join a group again that insists I need a mediator between me and the Divine. I do not need my understanding of divinity to be personal. But I need a connection. And I apologize now if I am coming off as saying that religion is bad. I do not think it is. What doesn't work for me, is a specific form of structured religion that may very work for someone else.

I think faith is beautiful. You seek what makes your heart sing and live that. My issue comes when you tell me that how I see Divinity is somehow wrong or flawed or 'sinful'. Heck you can even believe that if you want, I'm not going to tell you how to believe... even how you believe about me. But for the love of your faith, please don't force me to see things your way. Don't take away my choice to believe how I wish to believe. As long as my way of seeing divinity doesn't take away your rights to see divinity how you want to see it? We'll get along just fine.

I do believe in mystery and magic. And I can see the deeper message in the word both written and spoken. And I may call my connection God, or Goddess or god or goddess. I may quote from Jesus, or Buddha, or Confucius. I may meditate, pray, do shamanic journeying or sit quietly by the beach and feel the earth between my toes. Those are my ways of connecting. And I can barely begin to tell you how glad I am to be feeling them again.

It is good to be back.

Peace,

MaryKate