No other path but my own...

32/100

For a lack of a better term, the last week has been the 'end of the road' for several different situations in my life. I ended a shared path with someone I have cherished for almost 20 years, I ended a path it was *way* past time to let go of, and I allowed myself to stop longing to fix a path with someone I have no ability at this time to mend. However, among all these endings, my focus on being healthy has helped me find a beginning where I can see my own path plainly before me for perhaps the first time.

For most of my life, I have feared ending connections. I have feared the knowledge that when you make a choice, you automatically eliminate other possible paths. I've been a hoarder of options, I wanted to keep ALL paths open. I kept open even the paths I walked with others where I felt abused, hurt or disrespected. And if someone kicked me off his path? I assumed it was *my* fault and kept trying to chase after him to prove I was worthy of walking with. If someone emotionally checked out on me and didn't come back?  I'd stand at the last place I saw her, trying to understand what happened and waiting 'just in case' she changed her mind.

I have been, and still am at times, an excuse maker. If you treated me poorly? Surely it was because you had terrible trauma as a child. You said something cruel? Clearly it was because you were in pain and just lashed out at the closest person. Hey, don't worry - I know you didn't mean it. You didn't want to be emotionally connected? You must need time to learn how to love and be loved in a relationship - no problem I'll wait for you while you 'figure things out'.

And WHY didn't you know what you said or did was hurtful? WHY didn't you know I was 'waiting' for you? You didn't know because I didn't tell you. I didn't tell you because in the past I have been not only a hoarder of options, I have been a hoarder of people. I didn't want to lose them. Because I loved them. Because of a million reasons. Because, I saw something special in them and knew if I just waited long enough, they'd see that something special in them as well. But more, I secretly hoped that if I held on long enough, surely they'd see I was special, too, and wouldn't leave me.

I see now that in my 'path hoarding' I spent too much time confusing the paths of others with mine. I'm learning how to be honest enough with myself to own my faults and responsibilities about the paths in my life that have ended. I'm also learning how to recognize (and stop) holding on and hoping a path can be fixed when it can't. It's been hard for this path hoarder to let go, but letting go off all those paths that weren't mine has made seeing my own path easier. By letting go, I've gained access to paths I never even knew were there beneath the clutter!

I go forth to walk my path and share that path with those who are nourishing, loving and open to sharing their path with me. If someone has put up a big "No Trespassing' sign, I will respect that. I will let go of paths that no longer serve me and I will no longer hoard paths or fear it when a path comes to an end. Because in the end? The only path I can truly walk is my own.

Peace,

MaryKate