Insight!

35/100

I wrote a blog entry not too long ago about the difference between intuition and insecurity. I was cleaning my kitchen and was thinking about that question. How to tell if that gut instinct I am feeling is intuition trying to give me a nudge, or insecurity and fear blocking me from something good.

I am looking back on the situations in my life that brought me the most heartache - two of which are fairly recent. One, painfully recent. But when I look at those situations I realize that what I thought was 'insecurity' was really intuition I didn't want to or wasn't really ready to look at and deal with.

I'm not sure that made sense. But what I'm coming to realize? Is that it doesn't matter if it is insecurity or intuition.   If I'm having warning bells going off? There is a reason. Now, I may not be at the point in my understanding of the situation to truly be able to process those warning bells, but I can't simply write off those moments of questions as simple insecurity. Partly because I have processed through a lot of the things that made me feel insecure. At this point in my life, if I am feeling unsettled... it doesn't matter what I call it, I need to honor that it is there. It doesn't mean I have to rush and *do* something about it, but I do need to remember the moments I am feeling that way and pay attention. Because there is a really good reason I am feeling those red flags.

The thing is? Sometimes those little 'something isn't quite right here' feelings take time to give a name to. Just because I have a sense that something is amiss, I may not have all the pieces. Recently, that is a big part of what happened. I had all these little pieces that told me "Hey MK, pay attention here... this is telling you something. You aren't happy, please pay attention!" But it took all the pieces together for me to have the bigger picture of, "OH DAMN! Now I see it! (insert painful exhalation of breath here)." I can look back on it now and see all the pieces, how they formed the whole and how I didn't want to see (and honestly wasn't ready to see) that the dreams and hopes I had were not going to pan out. I wasn't ready to let go of the dream yet and with only some of the pieces, it was easy to blind myself from seeing the big picture. Sometimes love makes it hard to see the whole situation... especially if the whole picture doesn't fit the 'happy ever after' frame I picked up when I felt that love in the first place.

It doesn't do any good to be angry at myself for not jumping on how I felt... I couldn't get here until I got here. But I realize now that just the simple question of "insecurity or intuition" will be enough to make me take stock and look closely at the situation that is bringing that question into my life.

Peace,

MaryKate