"Enjoy the Silence"

29/100

Okay... my computer is dying. It's almost 2 years old... I heft it around and use it hard... but still... it's KILLING me. It won't recognize the plug correctly... meh. Ten years ago? My life was not built around phones and computers. Okay... maybe it was. My life has been built around computers since grad school. I have someone I blame for that... but it would be rude to call him out on it. ;)

He knows who he is.

But now? Now with my computer flaking out on me and me running around my house desperately trying to 'fix' it  and jury rigging it so that I can post my blog? I wonder if I am too reliant on computers. I remember once I was dating this guy and we were chatting online. I lost my signal and I ended up in a parking lot in my car at 6 in the morning trying to get a signal. um. yeah. There's just all kinds of crazy in that story.

Is it healthy to spend so much time on my computer? Is it 'smart' to always 'be available'? Maybe I need a vacation from the internet. As soon as I think that I think of ten things I neeeed my computer for.

I like being connected. I like the people I meet, the conversations I have and the ability to reconnect and stay connected to the people I care about. Not to mention the people I have 'found' after losing touch. What joy to find pieces of myself I have left all over the world! This summer was especially wonderful for that. So yes, even though I loathe facebook? I am also absolutely delighted at the people I have reconnected with. I'm like that. I can go a few days without talking to the people I love, then I want to connect with them... I jot off an email, or a text... I don't need a lot of connection, but I can see how I've always felt that way. I remember in college in the days before email, waiting every day for letters. I hardly ever got letters, but I would wait every day for them... I think the internet is the same way. I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, but apparently? I'm looking for it frequently.

I feel like there is a deeper issue with this... that desire to feel connected... to feel loved and needed. It's like some sort of reassurance, 'Hey MK, you're loved and you're needed.'

I sort of wonder if everyone seeks that, or if it is just me... that reassurance that things are okay. That I am okay. That 'we' are okay. I have been told that 'need' is my 'low self esteem'. I don't feel like I walk around with low self esteem.  I feel pretty confident actually. Most of the time. *chuckle* Is being needed and loved a self esteem issue?

All I know? Is that I am not loving my computer acting up... I'm going to see if I can fix it first. If I have to buckle down and send it away, I'm going to take a deep breath and like a good Depeche Mode song? "Enjoy the Silence".

Peace,

MaryKate