The only way to 'loose' weight...

36/100

I got my hair colored today and tomorrow I'm getting my nails done. I have problems with nail biting. And when I look down and see my fingers bleeding I feel unprofessional and it's all I can see. So? Fake nails solve the problem and I feel better about my hands. Not all problems are that easy to solve. I like taking care of myself, but I have learned that taking care of my outside isn't enough. I've worked hard to take care of my issues inside. I know for me it has been easy to jump into new situations without taking a good hard look at my insides. It can be really easy to focus on ways to 'fix' my outsides without ever truly doing what I call the 'work'. I've seen it happen - not just me, but people in general facing turmoil quickly jump into another situation (usually the same one they just left except with a 'new' person) before doing healing and the inside work that helps them see why things fell apart in the first place. It can really be easy to just blame the other person and not move on...

I highly value the time I've spent 'working' on my insides. Because without resolving some of my recurring patterns, I would surely pick another emotionally unavailable partner and start the cycle all over again. Recognizing my own fears about being vulnerable has helped me see the patterns in my life that have made emotionally unavailable partners 'attractive'. I believe I have grown enough not to make that choice again in the future. I could not have done that if I had thrown myself into a new relationship right away and not spent time learning about myself.

I also know? There is a point when doing 'internal' work becomes an excuse not to do the external work. Probably flipped from most people. Most people when they go through heartbreak rush to work out, get in shape and jump right back into a relationship so they don't have to do the 'work' involved with real learning and healing.

I watched a video today - an inspirational video of someone who had lost 100 pounds. Someone had commented "Hey fatass, if you want to loose weight, eat less and work out!" Yes, well rudeness and bad grammar aside (someday I'm going to dig into why people hate fat people so much) I thought a lot about that. Not because this guy was so cruel, but because I think I am to the point in my life where I can only go so far processing. It's time for me to stop doing so much internal work and start doing the external work. I believe I've done a good job changing my relationship with food, now? I think I need to change my relationship with exercise. And THAT relationship is going to be much much more difficult. Because I have a horrible relationship with exercise. I love food. Renegotiating a relationship with something I love hasn't nearly been as hard as learning to negotiate a relationship with something I loathe. Funny thing is... I don't really *have* much of a relationship with exercise. Maybe this is my chance to forge one. I used to bike 20 miles a day 3 times a week. I can't get that relationship back, but maybe I can forge a new one with the same excitement and drive. And perhaps I can shoot for a revisit to that relationship with my bike come spring...

I have a friend doing the c25k (couch to 5K program - yes you Traci!) and I am going to check it out and see if it is a good fit for me. Right now? My biggest struggle is finding and making time to exercise. I have to make exercise a priority and I haven't. I have never been a runner, I have no relationship with running so maybe this is a good place to start.

Believe it or not? This new relationship with exercise going to be the hardest part. Even harder than looking inside and working through the pain and tears. But I can only spend so much time processing. Now? It is time to start exercising.

Peace,

MaryKate