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I am not trying to make light of people with obsessive compulsive disorder - OCD. I want to say that up front. But I suspect I have some OCD tendencies. After all, isn't it a spectrum issue?

Tonight is a perfect example and I think it also relates to being healthy and some of my issues with food.

Tonight a friend let me borrow his Wii. He has the Wii Fit and I wanted to give it a try. Another friend of mine does it and she loves it... it has a competitive element that I think will appeal to me. I sat down to set it up. Now, in all fairness, this Wii has been through a lot. I don't know if the Wii is actually working correctly. I started this project at 8:00pm. It is now 9:15. No Wii *and* I had to take a deep breath and stop myself from going out and just BUYING a new one that I KNEW worked.

Once I get 'hooked' on a project like this? It becomes 'essential' that I figure it out. I'm usually unable to walk away and just let it go until later. I find myself obsessing over questions like What am I doing wrong? and Why won't this work? To some extent this is a good thing because it helps me persevere when I want to just give up, and often by sticking with it I can figure out a solution. However, sometimes it just becomes unhealthy. I become so focused I lose track of time, I lose sight of other things I want to do. And it begins to feel humiliating if I can't figure it out or do it. I remember one time I was playing the videogame World of Warcrack... er 'craft'. World of Warcraft. Anyhow, I have never been very good at the actual 'playing' of the game. I simply don't have the coordination to be talented enough to do well. I was a mediocre player and I was okay with that. The person I played with was very patient with me and helped as much as possible, but I realized I would eventually hit the wall because my ability to remember what key stood for what movement felt overwhelming. I went on some quest where the character I was playing had to jump over a small chasm. I have no idea WHY she had to do that but she did. I couldn't do it. At one point I had to have someone else do it for me. Which took one try. So I had to try it again. And again. And again. For what felt like an hour, I kept forcing my character to jump over that chasm, falling just about every time I tried. It would have been comical if it hadn't of been so frustrating and obsessive.

I suppose true athletes and artists have this tendency as part of their personality. That drive to 'do it' even if it takes a hundred tries over and over and over and the reality of being able to do it is nil because of sheer physical exhaustion or mental fatigue.

I am not comparing WoW to someone who has dedicated his/her life to their art. Except I am. In the sense that the drive for perfection lurks in the little things. Forcing yourself to do something over and over because you want to be perfect. You want to prove to yourself you can do something. You exaggerate the meaning of that ONE simple thing into something so overly important you can't walk away. Not until you prove you can do it.

That drive for perfection is dangerous and it can even be deadly. I have seen too many young people with eating disorders struggle with that all-elusive sense of control and perfection.

Honestly, if I hadn't of decided to step away from the console tonight to write this blog? I'd STILL be over in the corner beating my head against the wall over this. And even though I have figured out a solution to 'fix' the situation (tomorrow I will take the machine into school and have the 'guys' set it up there to make sure the Wii itself is working) it took all my Scooby powers to walk away.

I have spent my life battling perfection. There are times when I make cookies and throw the WHOLE batch away because they are too dark. I hear the voice in my head say, You can't serve those. They aren't perfect.People will know you aren't really a good cook if you try to serve those. I have thrown away not just desserts, but entire meals because the taste wasn't 'quite right' and in an attempt to 'fix' it I 'ruined' it.

The desire for perfection comes from feeling flawed. For me? I believed that if I was perfect I could 'fix' the problems around me. If my grades were just good enough, if I was smart enough, if I could sing well enough... but there was never 'enough' of whatever it was I was seeking. And while food didn't take away that yearning to be perfect, it did numb some of the anxiety I was feeling. I think many people use food to release chemicals in their brain that help to soothe anxiety. Self soothing without using food, alcohol or other addictive substances/behaviors is a hard habit to break.

I suppose there were times when a little obsession would have been a good thing. Might have helped me get that paper in, or that novel read, or that project completed on time. But obsession is a funny thing. I think it is sort of like love. You can't predict it, you can't demand it, and when it strikes it's almost impossible to ignore it.

I've reached a point in my life where tonight it only took me a little over an hour to realize I was obsessing about something. I had to realize I didn't have to rush out RIGHT NOW to fix it and that tomorrow would be soon enough to make a decision. I can live with a little angst that I can't do what I want to do at this moment, and living with a little angst is okay.

For me? Learning to live with 'a little angst' is a huge step toward being healthy.

Peace,

MaryKate