A Friend in Need...

12/100

My best friend C. is recovering from cancer. Her husband? Also has cancer. She is about to go into surgery in two weeks (for the 3rd or 4th time now) and he is starting another round of chemo. Financially, emotionally, and energy wise, things have been very difficult for her the last few years, especially since last year when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I was talking with her this morning. She said her brother's friend showed up at her door two days ago, telling her God told him to come and see if she needed help. For the first two days, she was sure she was doing 'him' a favor by giving him odd jobs to do around the house (he was off his meds, he clearly didn't know what he was doing, blah blah blah - amazing how we minimize gifts from the Universe). Anyhow, she was lying in bed this morning and she said she heard very clearly that God had sent him to help her. The last time she clearly heard this voice was about a year ago, when while at Disneyland with her family, that same voice told her to lay on the bed and feel her breast for lumps. She's learned to listen to that voice and respect it!  So, this morning she decided to accept the help from the friend and plans on giving him a list of things she needs to get done before her next round of surgery and before he leaves on Monday.

Now believe in God, don't believe in God... this was a breakthrough for her. See, C is one of those people with a mother that wasn't warm, wasn't supportive and has been needy and demanding of C her whole life - her mother always insists on coming first.  For example, C was telling me how when her hair started to fall out? Her mom had come to help her after the surgery and chemo. And while C's hair fell out in clumps, her mom sat and complained about how thin *her* hair was getting. When you grow up in house like that, you learn to anticipate what the other person needs and give, give, give. As a result, C grew up being a good caretaker, while not allowing or even knowing herself how to be taken care of. We were talking about how hard it is for her to accept help. It's easy for her to give help. She has been one of the most supportive, loving and giving people in my life. She has always been the head of my cheerleading team! She is the first one with a casserole when a family needs it, the first to donate her time to girlscouts with her daughter (even after surgery when she could barely lift her arms), first to care of her aunt (who's in a wheelchair), her grandmother (who essentially raised her and who she considers her mother) and truly anyone who needs extra help.

But as a woman, it is easy to be a caretaker - it's expected of us; it is much more difficult to be a 'care receiver'. It's hard to trust when you come from a background (especially one that included foster homes and a crazy step-father) where trust was a rare commodity. Plus? We have this crazy notion that accepting help is admitting to failure. I know for me, in the past, asking for help meant people might think I was incompetent or 'not as cool or clever as I wanted people to think I was".

I don't think I ever realized accepting help was partly about trust. And perhaps it is more than being able to trust; being able to accept help is about being healthy. What I realized for myself was that accepting help meant practicing self care. I help many people. I love it. It makes me feel comforted, competent and it makes me feel fulfilled that I can share a part of myself with someone that needs it. The more I share? The more the world wants to share with me. I don't like when things are demanded of me (my money, my time, my resources), but if someone needs something and I can volunteer? I likely will. Because it makes *me* feel good being able to share some part of myself with another.

Thing is? If I'm not willing to accept that natural flow of give and take? I end up denying myself and someone else the ability to share energy and participate in the dance of the Universe. Why should I be the only one doing the giving and enjoying it? Who am I to deny someone else the ability to give? As long as I respect the generosity of another without taking advantage of another's giving? The flow of energy stays in balance and everyone involved benefits.

For some people, especially people with  narcissistic mothers, it is difficult to believe you deserve to be taken care of, nurtured, and 'helped', especially if you weren't taken care of and nurtured as a child. How can you possibly allow yourself to be nurtured and taken care of as an adult when you don't even know what that feels like? C, by allowing someone to help her, is participating more fully in her own journey of recovery. Not just from cancer but from always being the one to 'give'. She is learning to truly open up to the flow of energy of the Universe and engage in the natural reciprocation of her lifetime of selfless giving.

It took me a long time to learn to receive. But once I did? The energy exchange was amazing and I see the flow every day in my life. People seem to come into my life just when I need them. I am grateful every single day that I am part of this cycle of love and being loved. And I practice saying thank you as often as possible.

But you have to be willing to ask  or at least be able to acknowledge you can't do it all alone. Then? You have to be willing to accept the help. Sometimes the universe offers you help even before you know you need it! Learning to trust yourself to say, "Yes, I could use some help with this task, Thank you!" is a huge accomplishment in being healthy!

Peace,

MaryKate