HUUUUUUNGRY Chicken...

15/100

So tonight I waited too long to eat. I had an egg and an english muffin at 7:30am. I had a cup of coffee (from my own kitchen so I can control what goes into it) on my way to school, I had my little bento box for lunch at noon. Then? I got held up at work getting ready for class tomorrow. I had to stop at COSTCO to pick up notebooks and new PENS (it's a new school year I *deserve* new pens... I looooove new pens). The lines were long and it took me a while to get out of the store.

I didn't walk through my door until 7:30pm. That's too late. As my sister often says? "Huuungry chicken"!!! When I am too hungry I can't focus. I was able to manage to not get a burrito on my way home and I managed to walk away from the 'food court' at COSTCO... but my hunger meter was about a 27 on a scale of 1 - 10.

I walked in to my house and took a deep breath. I knew I was too hungry and I wasn't going to be able to truly manage my food if I didn't stay present. I got some pulled pork from the fridge, a piece of bread and a little of the homemade BBQ sauce I made last night. Threw it into the microwave, warmed it up and ate it.

When I am too hungry, it isn't the first thing I eat that is a problem. It's that once I eat I can't really hear the voice inside myself that says 'full'. After eating the half sandwich, I made tabbouleh salad with tomato. I had to wait about 5 minutes for it to be edible and when I started eating I 'checked out'. Then? I heard clearly it was time to stop, but it was so hard for me... I stopped myself by taking a small handful of pita chips, setting them on the counter and sealing up the bag. I ate the chips I set out and put the tabbouleh in the fridge. I left the kitchen, got out my computer, and started this blog entry.

The mindless eating feeling has passed and I can clearly hear and feel that I am full. But I know that had I stayed in the kitchen I would have eaten the whole bowl of tabbouleh not because I was hungry, but because I was checked out.

Eating is a relationship. When I am too hungry I ignore the new relationship I am trying to build and fall back on old habits. I take food for granted. I don't spend any time appreciating how the food I am eating tastes and I forget why I am eating.

As I work to get healthy one of the things I am doing is not getting angry at myself for waiting too long to eat. I'll just get some snack to keep in my office so if I end up staying late I can have a bar or an apple or something to tide me over until dinner. It's so easy to criticize myself for not being perfect. I am working to forge a new relationship with food and with my body. I like where I'm going. I like that I didn't stop at the burrito place, eat the costco food and even though I was hungry I managed to do pretty well not binging out of control. I still have to get through the rest of the evening without 'nibbling' all night, but I feel full, I feel good and I realize I really *am* changing my relationship with myself and with food.

Peace,

MaryKate