CRISIS!!!

80/100
My fortune today read: "You will be made strong by adversity."

Luckily? For once? I am not in crisis. *whew* I think I have had enough of those over the last two years. I'm ready to relax a bit from crisis mode.

However, someone I love a great deal is in crisis. And I know there is nothing I can really do to help. Being in the midst of crisis makes it difficult to see the world outside of the crisis. And as much as it can seem like it, crisis isn't the end of the world. It's from my moments of crisis, I have tested my mettle. Although it is often an 'end' that brings on a crisis, crisis can also be the crucible for a new beginning.

Crisis presents itself in my life as an opportunity for me to grow, to conquer fears, to push on. I hit that point in a situation where I am forced to make choice. Sometimes? I stay or I go, I choose to love or to leave, I break or I bend... but I go forward. Luckily, I have never broken. I remember in one particularly poignant crisis I thought I was broken. I was in my mid twenties and got a phone call that crushed me. I remember I curled up under the kitchen table at my parents house and started crying... well... sobbing is more accurate. My mother was still alive at the time. My poor father was beside himself. I could hear him in the living room - although it sounded to me like he was speaking to mom through layers and layers of water. He said to my mom, "Wanda, what do we do?" and my mom was silent for a moment and I remember hearing her say, "We let her cry, Bob. Just let her be." It was one of those times, when only a mother really understands. And I loved my mom for that moment. And I did stay under that table until I felt cried out. But? As much as I thought I was broken, that my spirit was crushed? Turned out, it wasn't. And not only did I survive, but I realized I was grateful for the experience because I *knew* I had the capacity to love. Deeply. It may not have worked out the way that I hoped, but even in that moment when I felt so completely crushed? I wasn't broken.

I think that is part of what happens when I go into crisis. I find myself questioning my very core. But the key to surviving and emerging stronger from the situation, is learning to own what part of the crisis I am responsible for, and what part of the crisis I am NOT responsible for. For so long? When I was in crisis? I was sure it was ALL my fault. I had f*ed up. I had made stupid choices. I wasn't good enough, smart enough, strong enough, compassionate enough, kind enough, courageous enough... It was all me. But with each crisis in my life that I have navigated through? I have realized I *am* enough. I am all those 'enoughs'. Often crisis involved more than just me. But to navigate a crisis together, both people have to be willing to look at their share of the crisis. Both people have to be able to say, "Okay... I can own my share of this situation." And if it is a crisis of faith? Well, I don't suppose I can expect "God" to own any share of my crisis, but I can look inside and seek my own understanding of my faith and how I see the world and God usually has very little to do with a crisis of faith. Those usually have much more human hands and beliefs clouding my connection...

And a word about prayer. I believe in the power of prayer. It isn't essential for anyone to agree with me. But my experience has shown me that there is something powerful about prayer when I am in crisis. However, I have learned not to pray for the outcome *I* think should happen. I suppose that is partly what 'faith' is... to make the best decision I know how to make in the situation and then have to courage to face the outcome of my crisis - whatever that may be. My father is about to go into neck surgery in two weeks. It makes me nervous. But I don't get to tell God what *is* going to happen. I can however, ask God for the strength to get through what *does* happen. And I don't think there is a thing wrong with hoping that everything goes smoothly and easily with a minimal amount of suffering possible.

In the end? Crisis sucks. The experience is painful, feels overwhelming and leads to feelings of desperation and at times, self derision. But I have found that each crisis I have had to navigate through, I have come out the other side a stronger, more loving, compassionate person. Crisis reminds me I am alive. It isn't by any means 'fun' and it can take months... even years to fully emerge from crisis, but in the end? The crises in my life have unquestionably been a benefit to my growth as a human being.

I think it is healthy to be humbled by crisis. It is healthy when I am reminded I don't have the answers. It seems that when I finally let go of trying to control my crisis and accept that I don't have the answers? I find them.

Peace,

MaryKate