Dancing past perfection

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Perfectionism shows up at the oddest moments in my life. In the past, it crippled my ability to be present in the moment and enjoy my life. Friday night, I realized how far I have come in my effort to move past perfectionism.

Psychology Today defines perfectionism this way:

"For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. It's a fast track to unhappiness, and perfectionism is often accompanied by depression and eating disorders. What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation. And love isn't a refuge; in fact, it feels way too conditional on performance."

In my life, I have struggled with perfectionism. I can't even measure the hours I have spent trying to avoid failure and 'predict' what someone else wanted so I could appear 'together' and on top of my game. When I was in the throes of perfection? I was never on top of my life. I was too busy trying to prepare for the next problem before the next problem ever showed up. 

Dancing Friday night brought back some of those past struggles with perfection. As a birthday wish of someone I care about, I agreed to go dancing - contra dancing, actually. In the past, I would have politely deferred; I would have been terrified to look stupid or incompetent.

Friday, I took a deep breath and realized I have come a long way from earlier struggles with perfection. I knew I would be dancing with someone who enjoyed deancing, who would help me if I needed it, and I knew I could let go and just have a good experience. 

I grew up terrified to make mistakes. Mistakes often meant screaming and yelling, so learning to move past that fear and just relax and enjoy the moment has been a goal of mine the last few years. I've worked hard to move past the mindset that liking myself depended on earning approval of others by being perfect. That view of the world led to a lot of unhappy relationships, friendships and experiences. 

Friday, when I got the invitation to go and dance, I didn't even hesitate. I realized I have grown past a great deal of my anxiety and I decided to just enjoy my evening and let the night unfold as it would unfold. We got to the hall and the first half hour we learned some of the basic dance moves. My partner smiled at me, and I leaned into that and had fun A couple of times I stumbled trying to figure out what the moves were, but he was patient and the other people there were very kind and accommodating to any missteps. I had a wonderful time, even when things sort of fell apart during the last dance we stayed for of the evening.

The contra dancing took place in a small gym in Seattle. It was exceptionally hot , there were a lot of people, and not a lot of ventilation. The dances were pretty long, and after the second one, I took a break to get some water. My partner wasn't around (he'd gone outside to get some fresh air) and a very nice man asked me to dance. I agreed but told him I had no idea what I was doing. He laughed a little and said he did know and not to worry. I smiled and we moved onto the tremendously crowded dance floor. The dance moves baffled me! No one really knew what they were doing. I stuck with it for about ten minutes while the caller on the stage kept giving out instructions. I found myself so confused and maybe it was the heat, maybe it was so many people on the floor, maybe I was just tired, but I started to feel that old anxiety. The room started to feel really small and I knew I would not enjoy the dance. This was not an 'uncomfortable but just push past it' moment. I looked at the gentleman who asked me to dance and said, "I can't do this. I'm so sorry, but this is more than I can do tonight." He smiled at me and said that it likely would have been easier to understand if we had been in the middle of the line instead of the very end, but it was okay and he walked me over to the side of the dancing area. By the time I left, he sat talking to two other ladies and we smiled at each other as I walked out the door.

Perfectionism would have, at one point in my life, prevented me from ever even going dancing! My fear of making mistakes in life crippled me from moving forward. Friday night, being able to know what I could and could not do, being able to take care of myself and speak up for myself when I knew my limits, felt so liberating! I had so much fun just dancing and laughing and twirling and enjoying myself - and seriously it was awesome exercise. Not only did I accomplish something I would have avoided in the past, I got a great workout - win/win!

I suppose once I go to a karaoke night and actually sing.. I might really have mastered this whole perfectionism thing :). 

One 'step-to-the-center' at a time.

Peace,
MaryKate