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I've probably tried to lose weight a thousand
times – Like Scheherazade
there are easily 1000 tales of my determination
to conquer my weight issues. That is not hyperbole. I've tried, and honestly? I
set down my pen. I gave up on that story in my life. Instead, I wrote about learning
to be content with my body and my life. Even when I started this blog, it
wasn't about 'losing weight' it was about getting healthy. I was afraid of
failing again, of dusting off that old manuscript and writing yet
another chapter on how "This time I am REALLY going to do it!"(no…
really, I am) and then having to face not only a private failure but a public
one. I just didn't have it in me to even try.
It was after this summer that things changed for
me. I don't remember making a conscious decision to try again to write that
tale. I don't remember some big ‘ah-ha!’ event this time where I went back to
that well-worn story with no resolute conclusion and got out my quill and ink.
There was no fanfare, no big announcement about 'I'm losing weight!"
I just noticed I had a different relationship with food. This summer I
had a sense of renewal in my life - a new perspective that also seemed to apply
to my relationship with food.
What I didn't realize, was that while I stumbled
to try again to write my tale of life, the Universe was already writing the
tale with much more flare and delight than even I could conceive.
I expected to write the tale about once again
trying to lose weight, alone. I thought it would be a tale of sharing how, on
my own, I finally conquered my lifelong goal of losing weight.
I did not expect to find someone to share this
experience with.
Funny thing how the Universe works, because for
the last 30 years I have tried to do it "on my own". I thought I could
"conquer" my weight issues by myself. Even as I deeply desired
someone to love me for who I was and someone who wanted to make those changes
with me, I felt like my weight issues were something I could ‘control on my
own'. I didn't need anyone's help.
Thinking back on it, the most successful attempt
before this at losing weight was when I lived with my sister. We were a team
and worked hard to lose weight together. The connectedness and the teamwork
between her and I made all the difference.
I only stopped when I freaked out in the dressing room.
Soon after that moment, I moved out from my
sister’s apartment. I kept up with taking better care of myself for a while,
but then slid back into my unhealthy relationship with food. Patterns and
habits are so hard to break.
Then this summer. And that moment in the parking
lot when I grokked* what it meant in my life to surrender – that moment when I
stopped trying to tell the Universe what to do and how to do it, when I stopped
trying to control everything and everyone in my life. That moment when I
realized I was done trying so hard to force the world to my will. The moment I
let go and realized control was an illusion and fighting for it was exhausting.
As my relationship to myself shifted so did the
relationship I had to food. I realized that if I couldn’t control the things
around me, I could control how I reacted to the things around
me. One of which, was how I reacted to food. Once I understood that no one
could ‘make’ me feel safe, I knew that I could take care of myself. It felt
empowering. It felt satisfying. And I stopped running to food to comfort me and
found better ways of comforting myself. I also realized I could better love
someone because I didn’t need anyone.
I stopped trying to write my story and realized
it was time to allow the Universe to work some magic and write the novel of my
life for a while.
Not long after I stopped expecting anything,
when I realized I didn’t ‘need’ anything is when I found something. Or...
someone.
Unexpected, but not unwelcome.
I'm fortunate to have met someone supportive.
Someone with the same goals. Someone who's emotionally healthy and who desires
to be physically healthy as well. I'm not going to write a lot here about the
relationship. It is what it is and this blog isn't about another person, it's
about me. But having someone to share the journey has been a wonderful bonus in
my efforts to take better care of my health. While I know I can do it on my own, it is so rewarding
to know I don’t have to.
I look at the scale and realize there are 30
pounds less of me since I started paying attention around the end of August. It
is partly Weight Watchers, although honestly? I've done WW no less than six
times. I think it has to do with a different outlook on my part, and having a
partner who wants for himself the same things I want for myself. Sharing meals
and the experience - the ability to talk about struggles with success and
failures has been a great way to build a strong foundation on many levels.
Last weekend, I went through my closet and found
things I had long ago put in bags for Value Village because they didn't fit. As
I tried them on, I realized not only did some of them fit, but some of them
were too big for me! I started dancing around the room, liking what I was
seeing and feeling.
Turns out? Underneath all my weight, I'm
hourglass shaped. Go me! *laughter* Granted, at the moment, it is a rather
large hourglass but when I tried on the silver silk dress I couldn't even get
past my chest two months ago and saw that even though it is tight, it fits – I
could see the shape my body is moving towards. And it felt good.
Really, really good.
I have a long way to go, but to paraphrase the
Tao, ‘the journey of a thousand stories starts with the first word’.
I am invested in being as healthy as I know how
to be. I've done all the mental thinking about it I can do. There comes a time
to act. There comes a time to ‘do’. Now? I am acting. I am doing. I count
myself fortunate not to have to do it alone. My newfound strength to
make better choices isn't dependent on someone else, it is enhanced.
I'm not gonna lie – sharing this experience is way better than trying to do it on my own. So hey, thanks Universe
for knowing what I needed, even before I did!
By this time next year, I suspect I'll be pretty
close to my goal. I know it won't be easy, and I have a LOT more weight to let
go of - but when I tried on those clothes that were too small for me just two
months ago? I knew I was on the right path.
Perhaps I finally understand that I'm not just
letting go of trying to control the world, but letting go of the physical
barrier that kept me apart from the world – and from living an emotionally,
spiritually, physically healthy life.
Peace,
MaryKate
* grok·ked, grok·king, groks Slang. To
understand profoundly through intuition or empathy.
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