Saturday, January 02, 2016

To control or not to control... that isn't even the question! (could someone tell me the question - that'd be great)

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I am terrible at letting go; I struggle at being still, listening, and not trying to control a situation. I went to my favorite site and did a reading for myself from Joanna Powell Colbert's Gaian Tarot, her cards and website are simply amazing. This is what I received:

http://www.gaiantarot.com/online-tarot-reading/
My favorite line? You are no longer in charge of your life. Really? Because the Universe has made that abundantly clear.

This week, on the spur of the moment, I came to visit my dad in Ohio. My Aunt is living in an assisted care apartment in Mansfield, and I very much wanted to go and see her. I had a few other plans for this trip as well, but not ONE of those plans worked out. Instead, when I let go of all I hoped for and dreamed about, time opened up to see wonderful friends from college and my family. I've had to let go and accept that from the moment I got on the plane in Seattle (after a two hour delay which caused me to miss my initial connecting flight to Toledo by 15 minutes) nothing has gone as I tried to force it to go. I found none of the answers I hoped for, mostly felt out of touch, and as the card says, "turned upside down".

I keep reading this:

I'm reminded that my value isn't determined by how someone treats me. How someone treats me is a reflection on how that person treats him/herself. It is the same for me. How do I treat others? Do I show the kindest, highest form of myself, or do I show the controlling, anxious, demanding part of who I am? Do I treat others with respect and love, or do I treat them with indifference and don't consider their needs?

Which leads to the question: How do I treat myself? Am I kind to me? Do I love me? Do I trust me? Do I believe I live the best life I know how to live? Do I love in the best way I know how to love?

Anxiety has caused a lot of upheaval in my life. For the first time, I am actually acknowledging it and learning new ways to deal with it instead of reacting from a place of control and fear. It isn't easy and I stumble a great deal... but I'm getting better and that is an accomplishment.

I don't know that I will ever reach the moment when I don't react at all, is that even human? I hope in the next year I will better reach the moment when I stop trying to control others in order to feel safe and secure, and instead find those qualities within my own heart. I hope in the next year I will love others better because I love myself better. I am reminded that those people in my life that are kind and respectful toward me are the ones I want to be around. Those people are the ones I love and want to embrace, and curl up with, and eat popcorn with, and spend my time with - because they are the ones that show me how to embrace myself, curl up with myself, and be kind, loving, and respectful of myself.

Here's to an amazing 2016 - for all of us. May it be full of adventure, letting go of control, discovering happiness, and welcoming the unexpected joy and delight that life has to offer!



<3
MaryKate

2 comments:

Christina Clapham said...

As usual, your writing always makes me think and helps me reevaluate my own life.

MaryKate M said...

<3 you Christina... I'm sorry we couldn't figure out how to get together this trip... it was so spur of the moment... this summer I am going to try to come for a longer stay... we'll meet in Ann Arbor <3 <3