Saturday, January 02, 2016

To control or not to control... that isn't even the question! (could someone tell me the question - that'd be great)


I am terrible at letting go; I struggle at being still, listening, and not trying to control a situation. I went to my favorite site and did a reading for myself from Joanna Powell Colbert's Gaian Tarot, her cards and website are simply amazing. This is what I received:
My favorite line? You are no longer in charge of your life. Really? Because the Universe has made that abundantly clear.

This week, on the spur of the moment, I came to visit my dad in Ohio. My Aunt is living in an assisted care apartment in Mansfield, and I very much wanted to go and see her. I had a few other plans for this trip as well, but not ONE of those plans worked out. Instead, when I let go of all I hoped for and dreamed about, time opened up to see wonderful friends from college and my family. I've had to let go and accept that from the moment I got on the plane in Seattle (after a two hour delay which caused me to miss my initial connecting flight to Toledo by 15 minutes) nothing has gone as I tried to force it to go. I found none of the answers I hoped for, mostly felt out of touch, and as the card says, "turned upside down".

I keep reading this:

I'm reminded that my value isn't determined by how someone treats me. How someone treats me is a reflection on how that person treats him/herself. It is the same for me. How do I treat others? Do I show the kindest, highest form of myself, or do I show the controlling, anxious, demanding part of who I am? Do I treat others with respect and love, or do I treat them with indifference and don't consider their needs?

Which leads to the question: How do I treat myself? Am I kind to me? Do I love me? Do I trust me? Do I believe I live the best life I know how to live? Do I love in the best way I know how to love?

Anxiety has caused a lot of upheaval in my life. For the first time, I am actually acknowledging it and learning new ways to deal with it instead of reacting from a place of control and fear. It isn't easy and I stumble a great deal... but I'm getting better and that is an accomplishment.

I don't know that I will ever reach the moment when I don't react at all, is that even human? I hope in the next year I will better reach the moment when I stop trying to control others in order to feel safe and secure, and instead find those qualities within my own heart. I hope in the next year I will love others better because I love myself better. I am reminded that those people in my life that are kind and respectful toward me are the ones I want to be around. Those people are the ones I love and want to embrace, and curl up with, and eat popcorn with, and spend my time with - because they are the ones that show me how to embrace myself, curl up with myself, and be kind, loving, and respectful of myself.

Here's to an amazing 2016 - for all of us. May it be full of adventure, letting go of control, discovering happiness, and welcoming the unexpected joy and delight that life has to offer!



Christina Clapham said...

As usual, your writing always makes me think and helps me reevaluate my own life.

MaryKate M said...

<3 you Christina... I'm sorry we couldn't figure out how to get together this trip... it was so spur of the moment... this summer I am going to try to come for a longer stay... we'll meet in Ann Arbor <3 <3