Amidst the Chaos... anxiety

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I like for people to think my life is easy. I plot and plan how I present myself so I always look like that person who has it going ON. I have so much to be grateful for, that I often don't give myself permission to think my life is not 'okay'. I've spent my life wishing I was normal and that I'd have a normal life. I had this idea that 'normal' people don't have anxiety and they have awesome, simple lives. I have no idea if I am correctly defining 'normal' but it certainly isn't how I am.

Lately, my life has been so full of anxiety sometimes I can hardly function, forget being normal. Writing that is scary. I want people to think I have my 'act' together. I'm good. I have it all under control. I'm up for this. Nothing truly phases me. I'm a good mom. I'm a good teacher. I'm a good person.

Lately, I don't feel that way about any of those elements of my life. I feel like my life is screaming unregulated down the tracks and I am barely holding on... and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling so out of control and on edge. I think I'm angry at myself for not being in control even though I long ago realized that in life... I never had control to begin with. That isn't how life works. I can't control anyone else, can't make myself feel safe by relying on my ability to think I have my act together.

I've been trying to meditate. Trying to center and focus every morning. But it doesn't lift the elephant that feels like it is sitting on my chest making it hard to breathe. I'm torn between not knowing what is 'right' anymore and what is 'best'. Do those words even have meaning? How can I possibly know what is right and wrong and best and worst? I know that anxiety makes me question everything. Right now, when I listen to my inner voice, and my inner voice has always been strong and has guided me my whole life, my inner voice is as conflicted as I am. Do this and you'll be okay... No! Wait! Changed my mind... do THIS. No, WAIT... Don't do anything. Which leaves me feeling paralyzed and overwhelmed.

Two weeks ago, I went to a tarot workshop on Lummi Island. It was amazing. A wonderful group of women all spending the day playing with myth and the mythic. It was the happiest and calmest I have been in months. I left feeling renewed, confident and alive. It was magical. I just don't know how to hold that space. I don't know how to allow myself permission to be confused and unclear and not have that bring on these waves of anxiety. I feel like I'm spending a lot of time fumbling in the dark. It's exhausting. I have moments when I can breathe and feel okay, but most of the time I feel like I'm just holding my breath from moment to moment until I remember to breathe. This is what anxiety feels like... touching grace and being at peace, and then *BAM* it's gone and I'm back to forgetting how to breathe. At least it is what it feels like in my world.

And I keep thinking I can't talk about this with one more person. I feel like I whine a lot about not knowing what to do, and I can't keep dumping my conflicted self on others. Even people that love me, can only hear my struggles so long before they think... look... do something about it. I think that about people at times... how could people not think that about me?

So I struggle. And I wonder if I am doing anything right. Today I listened to a TED lecture where the man said, "Sometimes good enough *is* enough." And I wanted to argue with him. I wanted to say, "But I don't even feel good enough at anything right now!"

And I wonder if this is what every parent feels. I wonder if this is what 'normal' people feel. Because I've never found normal and I don't even know what it looks like. I wonder if this is just me overthinking everything and being too hard on myself. And I wonder if 'normal' people get like this. Where they wonder and question everything about what they're doing and then question themselves all over again. If they feel like they are drowning in their own doubt?

And maybe it is this situation. It is this moment in my life. Because there have been times when I was so clear even when it was difficult. I knew when it was time to walk away from bad relationships and a bad, anxiety producing marriage. I knew when it was time to take on a challenge and when it was time to say... "Uh, no I'm not going to go night cave diving with manta rays in Hawaii." That may have been amazing, but it was clear to me it was not for me at that time in my life. Maybe now I'd go cave diving at night with manta rays... oh wait. Nope. Still the right choice for me. Maybe I'll get to the places where I can just sit, calm and relaxed and think, "whatever happens I will have the courage, fortitude and grace to deal with it." That's my goal. That's who I want to be...

I'm just not there yet.

Peace,

MaryKate