Forgiveness - Then and Now

Forgiveness  Excuses

119

In my life, I have often said that it is easy for me to forgive - sometimes it might take a while, but I find in time I make peace with the people and events of my past. But as I strive to live a more authentic life where I am more honest with myself and those around me (even at the cost of relationships) I see now that what I thought was forgiveness, in actuality, wasn't.

In truth, I forgive less and make excuses more. I find it easy to make a truckload of excuses for myself and others:

• He had a hard childhood, that's why he is so angry
• She was in a bad marriage and didn't know she was pushing me away
• His mother was a narcissist and he was never nurtured, therefore he doesn't know how to nurture
• She's a good person in her heart. She didn't mean to be so disrespectful
• His pattern is to run away when things get difficult, because that is what his father did
• If I had just remembered to do XXX he wouldn't have gotten so upset
• If I just try harder and give more, things will be okay
• This person needs me to love him/her and it's okay to be the one in this relationship/friendship doing most of the emotional nurturing and giving

It is one thing to recognize the struggles and situations from the past and acknowledge how those influence who I am and others are now. It is entirely another situation to use that knowledge to make an excuse about the situation. Making excuses for others is NOT forgiveness. In some ways, it is exactly the opposite.

Making an excuse for someone else or myself is letting ME off the hook. It is not loving myself enough to be honest with the other person or with me about what I am feeling, therefore denying my own needs within a relationship. A good example in my life is how I deal with anger and rage. Someone who rages, scares me. I feel unsafe. But instead of looking at that and eliminating people who rage from my life, I pretended everything was okay or made excuses for the other person.

I was fortunate that I was able to resolve that issue with one of the angry people I had in my life - my father. It was about seven years ago and it was life-changing. Over breakfast one day, I told my dad about how growing up with his anger was hard for me because I thought it was all my fault. He had this moment, got teary-eyed and said, "Honey, it wasn't about you!" and I said, "I know that now, dad, but I didn't then." And we cried a little and he and said, "I never knew." And in that space my dad and I had an honest moment about our conflict and took our relationship to a deeper, more healed level. It could not have happened if my dad hadn't been able to recognize his anger issues. And it couldn't have happened if I hadn't been able to let him do that instead of making excuses for his behavior. It was a genuine moment. It was healthy and it changed me; I think it changed him as well. Not that my dad doesn't still get angry. But I no longer make excuses about his anger to justify his behavior. It made it much easier for me to recognize his behavior as his behavior and not make it about me.

It isn't just regarding others where I deny patterns and make excuses. Someone recently said to me, "MK, you have to learn to be able to say what you want and not make excuses for why you aren't getting it." That would mean I would have to be honest with what I need and for me, that is difficult. I want to see the best in people. I want to believe they see in themselves the amazing things I see in them. And while seeing the best in someone is beneficial, there comes a time when seeing that can be a detriment to the reality of a situation. Then I get blindsided by because I am busy making excuses or justifying behavior instead of being honest with myself and the person I am with. Worse, when I finally do stand up and am honest about what I need, it is often too late. The expectation that I will make excuses or 'gloss over' a situation ends up causing too much of a shift and the friendship/relationship/connection ends. Not always, sometimes the other person I am with is equally invested in making a shift and we move forward together with a healthier bond - like my father and I did.

My desire to be healthy in my life, means being honest with myself from the getgo. And that, at least for me, is tremendously difficult. Because whether it is relationships, not eating well, not exercising enough, not working on my novel, etc. making excuses creates a nice curtain to hide behind. Curtains however, don't move me forward in my life. Instead of making excuses, learning to truly forgive myself and let go of anger and resentment towards others is how to make progress toward making better choices. I don't think there is anything wrong with recognizing events that shape a person, but those events aren't an excuse. Those events are exactly that - events. Having a difficult childhood does not excuse someone being mean to me, nor does it justify stuffing my face with ice cream.

I, as most people do, have a Judge that sits in my head and tells me everything I do is wrong, that I am a bad person and if I just could be more perfect, thinner, have a better house, clean my kitchen, etc, I would be a good person. The Judge is a blamer. The Judge is an avoider. The Judge tells me the things that go wrong are all my fault because if I could get it right, everything would be okay. The Judge encourages excuse making. The Judge keeps me from growing and moving forward by encouraging me to make an excuse, or explain away conflict by pointing the finger. By listening to the Judge, I avoid taking responsibility for my own feelings and avoid recognizing that the other person's behavior is a reflection of my own! It isn't about the other person. The other person isn't broken or wrong for being angry or rude or critical. When I recognize my own anger, I own my part in the situation - giving myself the opportunity to change.

And I am the first one to say change can be scary. Change involves work. And change in any relationship involves both people working together. It's so much easier to make an excuse and walk away than do the hard work involved in changing a dynamic. I'm not saying walking away is a bad thing, there are situations in life where walking away is absolutely the right choice. Not everyone is invested in pushing through the hard stuff to move forward. However, if I walk away, or someone else walks away, I need to be honest to myself about the reasons. No more excuses or pointing the finger of blame. Instead, it is time to do the work I need to do to learn from the experience and make difference choices about future connections. I may not understand or agree with another person's choices, but honoring them honors myself.

In the end, I am the one who is making choices. And knowing that, I get to make a choice about how I handle the parts of myself where I struggle. I get to handle what I do with the Judge. I can choose to hold on to connections with people who reflect the angry and critical part of myself, or I can choose to foster relationships that reflect the loving, kind and gracious part of myself. I feel that I am at the point in my life where I can be grateful for the experiences that have made me who I am today and make peace with a truly forgiven past.

From this point on in my life, I recognize I am the one with the anger. I am the one that is so cruelly critical. When I understand that I am the one that needs to be kinder to myself, the Judge loses most of her power over me and moves to the back of my awareness. I can fill my life with people and situations that reflect the healthy, wise, strong and honest person I am. And when I come across the flawed, critical, angry, and frustrated parts of myself, I can honor them, release them and move forward in my life without excuse.

Peace,

MaryKate

Those Weirdos are your Tribe!!

118

I learned this week, again, what family means. And what it doesn't mean. It was another hard lesson that I seem to continually draw into my life.

Michael J Fox once said,  "Family is not an important thing. It's everything."

I realized this week how true that is.

Family has very little to do with blood. Although in my case, I am incredibly fortunate to have such a wonderful and supportive sister and father and extended family. I am also amazed at what a tremendous daughter I have now in my life.

What I was reminded of this week, is that family is a space in your heart. It is feeling safe. It is feeling loved. It is fighting. It is knowing you can tell the truth - even if your truth is wrong - and be loved. It is knowing when things get difficult, you have someone who loves you and will stick with you. It is crying under the kitchen table and having your dad not know what to do - and having your mom say, "Just let her cry honey. There isn't anything you can do, but let her cry. She'll be okay."

I am so loved. And I can't believe every single day how big my family is. I move through my life trying to emulate what it is to love and as a result, the people I choose to have in my life love me - and if they don't? Then I guess it is better that those people get weeded out, however that happens.

Because in the end, my family are the people that stand by me. They are the people who work through the hard stuff. They are the people I come home to. And it isn't always easy. Families have fights. Families struggle. Families have financial difficulties and personality conflicts. My daughter once said about her brother, "I don't care if we sometimes don't get along, I got his back." And I think that is what it means to be a family.

And maybe family is a poor choice of words. Because there are many unhealthy families in the world. Many families who punish each other instead of supporting each other. Maybe, like the quote below, the best word is tribe:

And sometimes, people I think are part of my 'tribe' or my family, turn out not to be. They choose to leave. They choose to not want to work through the hard stuff. The complications. They don't think working through the challenge is worth it. And that is okay. I have had that same experience where I know working through the struggle isn't what is in the cards. Sometimes you have to make the difficult choice of walking away. It hurts and it is complicated but that is when those who do want to be part of your tribe become even more valuable.

I just know that for me, true family isn't about blood. It is about love. It is about honesty. It is about finding people that honor my heart and journey - and want to share their journey with me. It is about people who are as happy to be part of my life as I am happy to be part of theirs.

So, if you are part of my tribe -  and if you read my blog consider yourself part of my life - then thank you. And know I love you. And when you are done reading, remember to appreciate the people in your tribe. Call your partner,or mom or dad or best friend or sister or brother or son or daughter or niece or nephew or or or...

Because as I have been reminded again this week, there is nothing more valuable than family. Nothing. And there is nothing more valuable than telling the tribe you love, how much you love them.

Peace,

MaryKate

Because it turns out, writing a novel is just like life

117

I had this moment today. This moment of thinking about how much easier it has been in my life at times to quit when things start to get difficult.

I'm working on a novel. A novel I have been working on for over a year. I have a couple of those stuck away in a file on my computer. Okay, more than a couple. This one, however, is different.

This novel is the first story I have ever really loved. It's the first time I really understand when novelists say things like "Oh the characters told me their story!" It is so true. I literally have no idea what is going to happen. None. I have vague ideas. But this story is the first one where I have gone to bed not knowing what I was going to write, and either had a dream about it, or the moment I opened my eyes I just knew what was coming next.

So I keep at it. Parts of it I like, parts of it I don't like. I don't like that I killed one of my favorite characters. I don't like that I don't know what is coming next. I love my main character and I wish I had her strength when I was her age. But then, I can just use my daughter as a role model for my character to know what that looks like.

What I realized, is that I could just let this novel go. It's getting hard now. The first twelve chapters flowed out of me. But now I have characters I don't like. I have a story line that is convoluted and complicated. And the worst part is that I have absolutely no idea where this story is going. And that is scary. Because I could keep writing and this story and it could go NOWHERE! And then what do I have - twelve chapters I like and a bunch of crap!

It might not seem like a novel is like losing weight or life for that matter. But for me, starting the process of losing weight, or writing a novel, is easy. I have an idea, I have a goal. I have control. I set everything up, I get it ready and I am full steam ahead! For the first few weeks, it is no problem. I have determination. I lose weight. I write like a crazy woman. My carefully crafted plan works perfectly.

Then, I crash. It gets hard. The 'easy' weight no longer comes off. Life gets in the way. I JUST WANT A DAMN PIZZA. Whatever the reason is, the honeymoon is over. Now I have to decide which I want more - to lose weight and push through how difficult it is, or talk myself into going back to what is 'usual' and convenient. It's back to the idea of 'courage vs. complacency'.

This is the hard part for me. Setting a goal and living up to the promise I have made myself about following through with that goal. I can make promises to others and live up to those, but living up to the promises I make myself? Not so easy.

So today, I am going to walk the dog. We're up to two plus miles a day and I am proud of that. Since writing my blog  'back at it' on June 23rd, I've walked a total of 15.48 miles, by Sunday this week I'd like to be at 20. I'm proud of that. But it is just a start. Right now I'm hitting that place where it is much more comfortable on the couch with my coffee near me and my dog curled up at my feet and writing my blog, than it is throwing on some clothes, clipping on that leash and going for a walk.

But if I have learned anything this summer already, it is that follow through is just as important as initiation. Sticking with something when it pushes against my own resistance is probably the real lesson I am learning this summer. Yes, there are times when walking away is the right thing to do. And knowing when to let go of a goal and when to push on through the hard stuff is a big part of this lesson. But when it comes to promises I make myself: to get healthy, to finish my novel, to get my finances in order, these are promises that are important. They help shape who I am. They show my daughter what a healthy person looks like. But then, maybe the lesson here isn't health, wealth and happiness. Maybe the lesson is believing I can have those things because I am determined to keep going when making those things happen feels almost overwhelming. Perhaps self care is the real lesson I am learning and showing to my daughter.

So, for this novel? I am pushing through the difficult stuff. For this walking commitment I made to myself? I am pushing through the comfortable stuff to keep increasing my daily goals.

Good heavens, I'm 46 years old! If I don't figure out how to follow through on promises I make to myself, when I am going to learn the lesson that I am as valuable to myself as I think I am to other people? Walking, writing, those are things that mean something to me. Taking better care of myself. Pursuing something that I enjoy. No one ever has to read my novel for me to feel like I accomplished my goal of writing one. No one ever has to look at me and think I am attractive or think I am healthy. That being said, seems to me that perhaps, it is time I think those things about myself.

Peace,

MaryKate

Complacency vs Courage

116

You know that old story about having two wolves inside - one good and one evil? And the grandfather tells his grandson that the two wolves fight all the time? In the myth, the grandson asks which one wins. And the grandfather says, 'the one you feed'. The myth is supposed to be Native American but is actually a story Billy Graham told to promote good vs. evil. Well, that story is in my head today.

Moving beyond the murky and very questionable origins of the story and the concept of good vs. evil, I'm struggling with the concepts of choice today and the profound implications of making changes in my life.

I saw this quote today:


Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made. If you want a different result, make a different choice.


I don't know who to attribute that quote to, but it resonates with where my life is at the moment.


I am trying to make choices in a more mindful way. I am constantly amazed at how difficult that can be. How scary it is at times to choose something out of my comfort zone. For me, my two wolves aren't evil and good, that is too black and white. For me, my two wolves are complacency and courage.
Making a choice to listen to my heart takes courage. It takes courage to eat the healthy dinner not the comfortable one. Those two wolves fight inside of me all the time. It is easy to 'rest' in anger, or be complacent in habits that only give the illusion of comfort.

But the courage it takes to make those harder choices is sometimes out of my reach.

I want to honor myself. I want to honor the emotional, physical and spiritual core of who I am. And each choice I make allows me to feed one of my two wolves - courage or complacency.

Someone I love told me about the 4 levels of competence.

As an example, in my childhood I learned that love was earned. It was not freely given, it was something I only deserved if I worked for it. If I just did enough, if I just gave enough, if I just tried hard enough, I would earn it. If I was struggling - I just needed to give MORE. That would fix it. In a very unconscious way, I meandered through life - consistently disappointed I could not do enough to earn love. In general, I didn't get angry or blame others when things didn't work out, I got angry at myself, but didn't see the pattern in my choices. When I met Candace, she taught me that in friendship, love wasn't earned - it was shared. It was freely given - even when it hurt, even when it seemed too hard, it wasn't taken away when things got difficult. It didn't depend on me being 'good enough'. Love was love. I moved from unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence over time - weeding out friendships and people in my life that demanded more from me than I was capable of giving. It was a slow process, but over time I realized what friendship meant. Candace taught me and for that I will be forever grateful.

But the reality is, that simply because I know how to make different choices in ONE piece of my life, doesn't mean it applies to others. Without realizing it, that pattern of trying to earn love continued in my life. Not in my friendships, but in other areas.

I find myself having to relearn that lesson all over again. That is how powerful complacency is. Change is hard work. It is continual. And it is easy to feed complacency. Complacency gives me a sense of comfort - even as its corruption eats away at my foundation.

Letting go of anger, letting go of fear, letting go of childhood patterns is hard. Those patterns were developed for a reason. They protected the heart.

I took a risk this week to shift a pattern in my life. I stepped out of complacency. It was scary. It was incredibly hard. I tried to do it with courage and grace, but I'm not sure I managed that. And I do not know what the outcome will be. Because when you make a change, you are not the only one involved in it. Patterns developed with others also have to evolve. Sometimes you come to a whole new level of connectedness. And sometimes that isn't possible.

So I'm tackling moving from complacency to change. I am making the choice to live my life in a more mindful way.

I am working hard to feed the wolf of change.

I'm working to choose courage.

One bite at a time.

MaryKate

Back at it

115

So, here I am. Back at it. Sometimes, I feel like I am on a perpetual, pointless wheel. Try to get healthier, fail at getting healthier, get back up. Dust off. Try to get healthier, fail at getting healthier, get back up. You get the idea.

This summer I am determined to do 3 things.

1) Be more mindful of my health.

2) Be more mindful of my finances.

3) Be more mindful of my Self.

Short list. Lots of drama and shame with the first two. And a new attempt at better self-care with the third one. I am working one day a week this summer. Not even a full day. A half day. Now is the time for me to make some adjustments in my life and dedicate myself to following them for the next two months. Small changes and being more mindful. I don't feel overwhelmed, I feel focused. And I'm posting so I can come back to this page and remember the clarity in this moment.

1) Be more mindful of my health.
Goal number one is a 2 parter. Part one is that I am walking the dog every day. Started out today with 1.5 miles. I hope to be up to five miles by the end of the summer. Certainly not a huge goal and not unreasonable. I am also considering getting a personal trainer to help me, but right now, financially that isn't really possible. *See goal number two. If I just do my walking, and throw in some biking this summer, that should be enough. I am the classic example of over-estimating what I can do, failing and then giving up. I'm going to focus on one or two things I can do without needing anyone to monitor me. I am however, thinking about a fitband. Mostly because I have heard good things about them. However, seeing as the whole point of goal number two is to be more financially responsible, I'm going to wait a while before I get one - if I get one. I have some apps on my phone that will do perfectly well for my current needs.

Part two of the first goal, is to be mindful of the food I put into my body. Yes, there will be days I don't eat so well, but in general: smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch and a lean, healthy dinner. That doesn't seem ridiculous. If I can get in the routine of eating smart this summer, I want to believe that when my life is more stressful this winter and I am back at work, I can stay mindful about my eating because 'stress eating' won't be my norm. I'm also hoping to find some recipes that are easy, so when I get home and I am exhausted, I don't have to cook a full meal. Having tried to tackle biting my nails for 20 years, I recognize how difficult it is to rework ingrained behavior. Not to mention the chemical addiction to food that I've used my whole life to numb my senses and take the edge off anxiety. With better regulated exercise, I am hoping I can manage anxiety in a more healthy way. 

2) Be more mindful of my finances.
Ugh. I don't even like to put this on my blog. Believe it or not, it is way more shameful to me than my eating issues. I have a terrible relationship with money. I'd like to change that this summer. While I don't spend money recklessly or irresponsibly, I do spend money mindlessly. I want to be more mindful of what I spend, when I spend it and how I spend it. Starting with eliminating eating out simply because I am too tired to cook. *See goal number one. It's all circular - wheels in wheels. If I regulate my finances better? I will be automatically regulating my health better. While my finances certainly aren't an A#1 disaster, I'd like to not *be* in a disaster zone in order to live my life. I am one of the millions of paycheck to paycheck people. I certainly make enough money to support myself and my child, but it is time for me to be more mindful of not only this moment, but to think about future expenses and responsibly save for them. Having no savings is terrifying, and it is time for me to rethink how I see money and my relationship with it. Not to mention eliminating the shame of feeling irresponsible. Being more mindful will help not only my finances, but my self-esteem in terms of how I see myself. 

3) Be more mindful of my Self.
I am a giver. I remember I used to tell people I knew who were givers to be careful, or they would give themselves away. I do not feel like I have given myself away. I do, however, recognize that it is time for me to put myself first. On Shark Tank, I remember one of the entrepreneurs saying, "Pay yourself, first. THEN invest in your company." I need to pay myself first. And I need to be okay with doing that. Most of the time, I put my daughter or my boyfriend or my family or my job or my friends or or or before myself. If I just 'give' enough, people will think I am worthy of being loved. Another old pattern I have to eliminate. I am working to understand how to balance the needs of those I love, with the needs of my own Self. Goal one and two are good ways to start putting myself first, but I also know that it is more than just being healthy and financially secure. I need to remember to take time for myself. To find my joy and allow myself to feel it. I want to write this summer. To read this summer. To spend time alone as well as with others. I want to finish the novel I am working on, if for no other reason than I want to know how it ends! 

All of these goals imply taking a more active role in my own life. Owning my life choices and moving forward with them. 

I don't have some 'perfect' weight in my head, or 'perfect' amount of money saved, or 'perfect' day created in my head. I am evolving. It's a process. I sort of see it as there is no failing. I haven't set up these goals with failing in mind. Instead, I am investing in a process. One to help me be more present and mindful in my life.

I'll try to post once a week to keep up to date on how I am doing. I truly appreciate all of your support, love and your continued belief that real change can happen and that new ways of thinking and being are possible. 

Replenishing the spirit

Nuts!
114

I decided to start 2014 by attending a retreat offered by Joanna Powell Colbert. I was positive I knew why I was going. I was positively wrong. I guess the best lessons in life are the ones we recognize while we are busy thinking something else is important.

The one day retreat was created to explore a personal goal in 2014. We used the Gaian Tarot for clarity and to create action steps to bring that goal to fruition.  I haven't felt called to attend any retreat or workshop in a long time, nor have I picked up my cards. But when I read the post about the day, I felt it was time to re-engage with both.

My mom bought me my first Rider-Waite deck when I was 13. I have gone through many phases and decks over the years. However, I resonate with the Gaian deck in a way I haven't connected with the cards in a long time. From the sidelines, over the last eight years or so, I have followed Joanna's progress as she posted new cards on her website. I was thrilled with her completed deck. When I got my own copy, it quickly became my goto deck when I had a question or wanted some insight. In general, I see less 'oracle' and more 'story' when I use the tarot. For me, tarot cards are representations of universal concepts; they are symbols that tell a mythic story. My interaction with them is not to seek absolute answers, but to listen to the story I hear. Joanna's deck does a fantastic job showing the mythic, and it was because of it and her that I decided to attend on Saturday. I was excited to hold space with a woman who lives her life in such integrity and creativity.

With my goal of 'Being healthy, happy and whole' in hand, my friend Mary and I headed to Bellingham. I was ready to enjoy sharing the day with others and deepening my own mythic story. I immersed myself in the exercises. I had an amazing and healthy lunch. I walked outside and looked at the Puget Sound.

Then we returned for the second half of the day.

Do you ever have moments when you are fully invested in an activity, certain you are doing the 'right' thing and then BAM just when you think you know, you have an insight that changes everything? A moment when your breath catches a bit in your chest and then your whole body sighs because that piece of the puzzle of your life slips into place and for the tiniest moment life stands still and you 'get it'. I had that one of those rare moments.

I was participating in the exercises and going along with the goal setting and such when I drew the following card from her deck:

The four of earth.

I looked at the card and thought, "This card makes no sense." And I PUT IT BACK in the deck! I was sure I needed to draw a different card, so I did. But my mind kept coming back to the squirrel. With its nuts. And the stone cairn. I dug it back out of the deck. I read about it. My time was almost up and I hadn't written anything.

Then, BAM! I got it. The story I wasn't hearing flooded into my head. I realized everything I had done all day was important, but not as much as the story being told by this card. Apparently, the whole day was about the nuts.

The moment of insight I had was about replenishing. In December, right before break, I sort of fell apart. I was exhausted, confused, and emotionally spent. I cried for two days straight. I couldn't keep my world together. And it's okay to be in that place if that is the place you are in - and I was deeply in that place. I couldn't see out of it.

The problem I was having wasn't sorrow, or confusion, or exhaustion. Those were the symptoms - this card helped me realize that the problem was that I hadn't saved up enough nuts.

I hadn't taken care of myself. I hadn't replenished myself. I hadn't stored up enough supplies. I don't need to hoard the nuts, but I do need to make sure I set enough aside for my moments of winter.

I had made the classic mistake of giving, giving, giving and not taking the time I needed to replenish. Initially, I wanted to put this card away because I seldom put myself first. I am not a saver.

My story this year, is to make sure I save some nuts. Yes, I am going to the Y and eating more organically, and saving money, etc. But mostly, I am going to make sure I take some time each month for me. I am going to go on retreats - either by myself or with a circle of supportive people. I am going to do my best to save enough money for a trip to Hawaii over Spring Break and build a cairn on the beach. I am going to make sure I have enough nuts to get through the lean times.

And while I don't make resolutions, I honor revelations. I'm contemplating buying the print of the card to put up in my bedroom - just so I remember the 'nuts'.

I hope your 2014 is filled with an abundance of nuts and you make time for yourself to gather them :).

Peace,

MaryKate

Almost...

113

Today feels like a day of 'almosts'.

It is almost a year since Candace passed away. I think about her almost every day. Almost every day I want to call her or talk to her. Not a day goes by that I don’t think the world is a little less bright without her in it. I almost made it through the day without crying.

Almost.

It is almost four months since M came to live with me. While we are certainly over the ‘honeymoon’ phase, and rapidly moving into the ‘how do I navigate this new life’ phase, I am almost certain that this is normal. I am almost certain I am strong enough to do the work I need to do to be a good parent. There are times, however, I question my strength and my patience. I am almost sure this, too, is normal. Not a day goes by that I am not aware of how much I love her and that I am glad she is here. I am almost sure that in time, we will be stronger for having gone through this together.

Almost.

It is almost 2014. I am almost overwhelmed by how much my life has changed in almost 365 days. I’m not sure how my life will change in 2014, but I am almost certain it will change and then change again. I am almost sure I will do my best to handle it with love and grace. Almost every moment I am aware how fortunate I am to have an amazing partner, wonderful family and incredible friends, people who gently remind me I am loved and valued. I am certain that without them, I wouldn’t be who I am or how I am in the world. As I sit here singing along with Andy Williams, I am almost ready to take on 2014.

Almost.

But through every ‘almost’ today, I allowed myself to just experience it with as much grace as I could muster. I cried. I got frustrated. I got angry. I smiled. I laughed. I got the most amazing gift of love from my boyfriend - maybe the kindest gift anyone has ever given me. I still get teary when I think about his kindness. And I keep telling myself that this is just a hard time of year. And as I sit here watching a recorded “Andy Williams Christmas” special, I am reminded of how I loved these Christmas specials as a child. When, as a family, we all sat around the one television in the house and watched and sang along all those years ago.  I find myself smiling and singing along, now. And I realize my dad, my sister, my brothers, myself, we all made it through difficult times and we turned out pretty okay.

And that is what I hold on to. That as hard as this time of year can be, as difficult as transition is, as chaotic and messy as life gets? I’m here. I’m healthy and I’m sure that love is enough to get through the hard times.

Well… almost.

CH Ch Changes...

I remember when I was in my early 30s and Candace decided she was going to have a baby. We had always planned on doing that together. She and I would get pregnant and we'd share the ups and downs of bloating, craving, 'kicking' and birthing.

I remember not being able to get pregnant. I tried. Sort of. At the time I was in a long term relationship, but there was no talk of marriage on the horizon. I refused to get pregnant and not be married, or marry because I was pregnant, so it just never happened. I have no judgment about people who get married because a baby is on the way (hey, my parents did!) it just wasn't something for me. Plus, with PCOS, getting pregnant was going to clearly involve more than not using birth control and protection. In the end, that time of my life came and went and I didn't have many regrets. 

I remember watching Candace go through her pregnancies. She'd had scarlet fever when she was very little and one of her kidneys didn't function, plus she was overweight - both things contributed to making her pregnancies a bit difficult. One thing I remember though was that she absolutely glowed. Together, we celebrated the birth of her first baby. My partner and I, at the time, agreed to be godparents to her daughter. Then, several years later I got to be in the birthing room when her son was born. And while I haven't been a 'real' mom myself, I did get to feel like the 'cool' godmom on the west coast. I liked that role and have enjoyed my experience with it.

The easy going flow changed the day Candace called me to tell me her husband had cancer  - Waldenstrom Macroglobulinemia. I was living in Seattle, working from home, traveling to schools around the country, and still in the long term relationship. I was on a conference call and not paying any attention to the call. She called me on my cell phone and I put my conference call on mute. She was crying. I was shocked, saddened and worried. She had a baby! Over time her husband went into remission and they had a second baby. Not long after her little boy came, her husband found himself fighting cancer again. For him, it has been an on and off battle for over ten years.

One day, when I was visiting with her in Ohio, Candace informed me that if anything happened to her and her husband she wanted me to have custody of her children. She was sitting on the couch in her living room, the sun shining through her long, curly hair. Her golden-hazel eyes shined. All matter of fact she said, "We've talked about it, and we can't imagine anyone more spiritually perfect or more loving than you. We also asked their uncle as well, but I know, MK, that if anything happened, you'd love my kids and take care of them." I told her nothing was going to happen, but of course I would do that. I had a remote idea it might happen one day but I wasn't worried. I loved her. I loved her kids. And Candace wasn't ever going anywhere. After all, we had plans. We had golf carts in our future. 

Everything changed the day Candace told me she had cancer. I was driving to work, I remember our school was having an inservice day. I listened as she sobbed on the phone. I could barely drive. I sobbed all the way to work, then the whole day. Then the next day. She fought against the cancer for five years. It was extremely aggressive. I remember one day we talked while she was having chemo pumped into the port in her neck. With quiet tears tracking down her face she told me how in the future I was going to have to be the mom, I was the one who was going to be there to watch her children graduate. I was going to be there to watch them get married. I was the one who would be their support and love them. I cried with her. I told her of course I would be there, but so would she. She was going to make it. She'd smile at me in her knowing way and we gently hugged each other through the tubes and wires.

When she passed away this December, I wasn't sure what was going to happen. Initially, her husband wanted to take care of the kids and try not to disrupt their lives too much. It made sense and life just moved along. I helped when I could and my goddaughter has come to visit me twice since December.

Four days ago, that all changed. For many reasons that aren't mine to share, my goddaughter's father and I decided that it would be a good idea for my goddaughter to come and live with me. It has all happened tremendously fast. In three days I have run around getting legal paperwork done, getting things notarized, trying to get her enrolled in school in Seattle and getting things organized. I am full of love and excitement!

I am also terrified. Perhaps every mother feels this way? I have had thirteen years watching my goddaughter grow up far away from me. I got to be the cool 'godmom' in Seattle. You know, like that kooky Aunt every kid is lucky to have - the one that wears long tyedye dresses, likes trees, traveling and the ocean. The one that has an awesome boyfriend with a cool house. But that role is changing now. Now, I become the 'mom' figure. I have to learn to navigate boundaries. I get to love and be loved - so I do get the good stuff, but I get the heartache and the struggle of watching a child I love make choices that make me hold my breath. Although this is tentatively only a 'year', in that year I get to help her learn to define who she is, and at the same time, I suspect I am going to redefine who I am.

I know I am supported and loved and that helps tremendously. But lately, I struggle sleeping because I have so much in my head. I sense all these implications and I'm trying so hard to plot and plan and prepare. I see how my life, my relationship with the man I love, and even my friendships are going to change. I see how I am going to change. 

I am taking a lot of deep breaths lately. I am remembering to take things one moment at a time. None of that is easy. I want to feel safe and I want to know I am going to be fine. But more than any of that, I want to know SHE is going to be fine. And I can't know that. Not really. I can only do what I can do and hope for the best. I just realize that the world that seemed so fine and relatively safe four days ago, doesn't feel that way so much now that I will have a 13 year old in my life. It feels so. much. bigger.

In other words, I am no different than any other parent who wants so much to control and protect, but realizes that really, I can only love. I can help her lay down a solid foundation knowing she is loved. I can give her boundaries and rules that in time she will rebel against. I can watch her soar and I can watch her stumble. And I can offer her a hand to help her up if she wants it. But I can't fix, or change, or soften any of her life. It is her life and she does not belong to anyone other than herself.

And while I am scared, I am also excited. And awed. And amazed that Candace and her husband trusted me with their child. And I can only do the best I know how. 

I am so grateful to have been loved and trusted so much, not just by them but by so many in my life that I now can love and trust so much. 

New road, new path, new adventure. Considering how my trips sometimes go? I expect this will be full of laughter, angst, joy and anxiety and thank god I have such wonderful people around me, well around 'us' now, that will hang out on the sidelines, cheer us on and love us.

Peace,

MaryKate 

Letting In and Letting Go

Letting in the Light and Letting Go of Facebook Stalking
111

My boyfriend is having one of 'those' birthdays. I won't mention which number, but it is one that has him pondering life and where he is in the world. I admire how he continually works on being a better man and sees both his strengths and his faults - he's an amazing guy and a rare human being. It isn't often I meet someone as dedicated to understanding himself and working on becoming closer to the man he would like to be, as I am to the same goals. 

But this blog entry isn't really about him, although it sort of starts and ends with him. Driving from my house to his house Monday, I thought about his upcoming birthday. Actually, I found myself thinking about the gift I got him this year. Honestly, I do not think I could be any more excited about his gift. When it came in the mail three weeks ago, I could barely make it to my house before I opened it. Oh who am I kidding, I opened the package in my driveway! It was even better than I had hoped! Seriously. It has taken EVERY SINGLE bit of restraint not to tell him what I got him. My gift isn't anything super fantastic or expensive, but it comes from my heart and I know he will like it.

So as I drove along, smiling about this gift, I started thinking about other birthdays with other people I've been in a relationship with in my life. Especially people who are no longer an important part of my life.

I should state that I am, in general, a terrible gift giver. For most of my life I've been pretty absorbed in my own growth and my own experience - that makes it hard to truly know someone else. I will say I have tried to be a good gift giver. But in my past relationships, I have even had others give me 'lists' to 'help' me with my gift giving. I would try. No, I mean I would really *try*. I would obsess and worry and try to figure out what to give... I would have ideas, but in the end, I still gave pretty forgettable gifts off some 'pre-selected' list. 

Until now. Until I met someone that I connected with and someone that I learned enough about to be able to get something I know he will enjoy. Something he would never get for himself. And as I was driving, I found myself thinking, "I hope (insert several names here) has someone in their life now that buys them heartfelt gifts. That knows them well enough to give a gift from the heart - full of meaning and devotion."

I realized I had seldom given gifts in my past full of meaning and devotion. Ironically, it wasn't the gift giving moment that caught my breath.

I sat in the car and literally felt my heart being lifted from my chest. My breath caught in my throat for a second then I felt this full body exhale.

I realized I had, without thought or intent, genuinely wished those from my past, love. I realized for perhaps the first time, no matter how bad the ending or how bad my heartbreak, I had made peace with those events in my life. My boyfriend says that when trying to heal, you go from Unconscious Incompetence, to Conscious Incompetence, to Conscious Competence to Unconscious Competence - where you don't even think about the behavior you are trying to change, you simply have become the change you have been working on in your life. It was still fragile, but I realized I had forgiven myself on that deep level. I realized the only person that could change the perception of my past, was me. 

For quite some time I have been able to see my part in why my past relationships didn't work, but I was angry that the others involved couldn't see their part. Wouldn't see their part. I was angry and frustrated and I wanted vindication and for them to own their share of what made our relationships end. I had finally come to that space where realizing I could want that to the moon and back, but wanting it wasn't going to make it so. I had to own my share of why the relationship didn't work and allow myself forgiveness. That was when I knew it was time to move on and let go. 

It was time to let go of pointing the finger and saying how I had been wronged. In the past, I would look at their facebook pages and feel angry all over again. And yes, I looked. And yes, I felt angry. And I used that anger to continue to eat my tail in my self-consuming anger and rage at the 'injustice' of it all.

This week, I feel healthier - not only have I started working out during the week before work, but I feel like I have turned a corner in being able to wish those from my past - happiness.  I even passed two past milestones this month without even remembering them until much later. That said a lot to me as well. I have written in the past about taking the 'high road', but this was different. This wasn't forcing myself to take the high road, it was looking down and realizing I was just 'on the road' and it felt really good. 

I'm actually finding the end to the bitternes,  quite sweet. Almost as sweet as the double chocolate cake with fudge icing requested as a birthday cake. 

Peace,

MaryKate

It's more than losing someone you love...

Letting go of 'golf carts'...
110

In my English 11 class today, I was sharing with my students why I missed the last week of school before our two week Winter Break. I told them about the death of my best friend and going to Ohio to tend to the details and the pieces I could tend to.

While I was talking I had a realization. Maybe it is a realization that everyone knows about and I am late to the party - wouldn't be the first time :).

The realization worked its way up from the murky depths of my unconscious when I wrote the extra credit assignment on the board today - write an essay about, 'one event that changed your life.' I explained that they were young, and it didn't have to be a huge event. It didn't have to be as difficult as the death of a friend. It could be the death of a favorite pet, or a divorce, or a huge argument with a friend that ended a friendship. It could be a positive event, a trip they took, a race they won, a competition they participated in, a summer camp. Regardless of the event, when they look back on it, they had to realize they had changed - something inside them saw the world a little differently. Assignments like this can be tricky. Some students really don't like writing about their lives and I don't force them to do so, thus the 'extra credit' part of the assignment. And, as always, if a student is genuinely uncomfortable or can't think of an event, that student can come to me and we figure out a different assignment, together.

But I started thinking about why I put that assignment on the board. And the realization that was bubbling below the surface of my awareness, came to light.

I was telling my students about my 'big future plans' with Candace. We used to sit up at night and laugh about our future. We would talk about how we were going to get little cottages near each other by the water. We were going to get golf carts. Every morning, rain, sleet, or sun, like postmen, one of us would throw on her slippers and bathrobe, jump in her golf cart, and head over to the other one's cottage where coffee and something homemade would be waiting. Coffee cake, bread with homemade apple butter, donuts, whatever our latest experiment was, we'd share it in the morning over coffee. We'd trade off days making breakfast for each other. We'd talk about politics, about Madalyn and Grant, about husbands. We'd get dressed and go make flower arrangements at the Senior Center. We'd take bus trips with the other seniors and laugh about that crazy bus trip we took together so long ago. I'd be writing novels, she'd be planning our next adventure. We had plans! We had stories we wanted to tell. We had adventures we wanted to share. We had a future we were creating.

And that was when I realized, when you truly love someone and they die,  you aren't just losing the immediacy of the present with them. You are losing the 'future' of them.

Last summer, Candace went on a trip with her husband. She was excited to spend some alone time with him; they hadn't really had the chance to do that since Madalyn was born. When her husband was diagnosed with cancer many years ago, doctors only gave him a few years to live. He's lived much longer than 'expectations' and is doing very well right now. One of the things we talked about when she returned from her trip, was how, while they were on the road, the two of them 'future planned'. She said, "You know MK, ever since he got sick, we haven't dared to future plan. We've been so caught up in the present and his getting chemo and staying alive, then my getting chemo and staying alive, that we lost that ability to dream about the future. I didn't know how much I missed that. On our trip together we talked about growing old, we talked about things we wanted to do with the house, we talked about the kids and college, we talked about moving to the lake someday. It was really great to reconnect like that. It reminded me how much I love him."

Until I lost Candace in December, I didn't really understand what she meant. I mean, I understood it on a head level. It made perfect sense that she hadn't had the opportunity with all the cancer around her to 'plan the future' with her husband - but I didn't really 'get it'. When I lost Candace, I realized on a heart level that I had also lost the future with her. Not just her laughter on the phone, her telling me how sexy my blond hair looked, her telling me how much weight I'd lost and how great I looked (even when I hadn't lost a pound), her telling me how happy she was that I was finally happy in my life and had met someone so loving and 'worthy' of me, her excitement about meeting my boyfriend for the first time (something she never got to do), the absolute joy she felt whenever she talked to me - the same joy I felt talking to her. Even when she was upset, angry, in pain, or scared, she shared those things with me in the context of "this too shall pass". I remember in August of this year, her doctors told her that her liver was doing better. When she told me on the phone, we both let out whoops of joy and said, "HELLO GOLF CARTS!" No one but us understood that reference, but I realized even then, even when in the back of my mind I thought, "I don't know that there will ever be golf carts", I was excited and I held on to the hope that our shared future included those golf carts.

Perhaps there will still be golf carts in my future. I don't know. Even if there are, it won't be the same. Of course I will carry Candace in my heart for the rest of my life, but there will be no shared breakfasts, golf carts or floral arrangements.

Losing Candace in my present, also means losing Candace in my future. I realized that is a large part of my grief. Having to let go of all those dreams and hopes for what we would be doing 'tomorrow'. I'm fortunate I have no regrets about what we did in our past together. And I am fortunate that in the time I knew her, we had almost enough adventures for a life time.

Almost.

Peace,

MaryKate

When A Bag is more than a Bag...

Candace's Bag
109 

When Candace’s husband asked me what I wanted of Candace’s, I didn’t hesitate. I asked for the bag hanging in the garage. This bag. This large, blue and white, 15 - 20 year old Land's End bag that says "Candace" stitched in cursive.

It may seem like an odd thing to ask for a bag. I, of course, don’t see a bag. I see a trip. I see almost every trip we ever took together. Thank god this bag can’t talk. If it could, the things it would tell about our excursions might make me blush in mixed company...

Some of our earliest trips were to stay overnight at my dad’s ‘cabin’ in Marblehead, Ohio. Calling it a cabin made it sound so romantic. It was a trailer. An old trailer. A 1978 trailer. A comfortable middle class trailer with a room built on and an air-conditioner stuck in the window. My mother had chosen to cover the kitchen floor with carpet that had strawberries on it. God I wish I had a photo of that carpet. Sometimes it was just me and Candace. Sometimes? It was Randy. And sometimes it was a dating weekend with her boyfriend (later husband – Mike) and my boyfriend at the time. Sometimes it was a girl’s weekend. There was almost always skinny dipping involved. Oh yeah, we were wild women in our 20s. Later as well got to know each other that trip was ‘couples weekend’. Steve and Ellen, Mike and Candace, Hans and I. We lived like we had all the time in the world to be happy. And we were. Candace eventually married Mike, Steve and Ellen eventually married and Hans and I remained friends, even after all these years. They were good times. Some of the best times, and I am pretty sure Margaritas were almost always involved.

In my early 30s, I moved to Seattle. I told Candace I would only be out there for 5 years. - then I’d be back. I did move back later, but never again would Ohio be my permanent home. I remember the day I left. Candace took me to the airport. In the back of her van this bag sat full of summer stuff she hadn’t removed from her car yet. She hugged me, I made my empty 5 year promise and we cried. And we cried. She told me once she cried all the way home. Then cried for several days. I did the same. I knew I was leaving a part of myself behind. It wouldn't be long after that she started her family.

Candace and I talked on yahoo instant messenger almost every day. We talked on the phone, although I really don’t like talking on the phone – she loved it. Sometimes she’d call just to talk and I wouldn’t answer the phone. I feel bad about that now. I feel bad that I didn’t take the time to connect. It never bothered her and I don’t ‘regret’ it, just think today how much I’ll miss that. Even towards the end of her illness she'd call me and her voice was full of joy. I will miss that more than anything.

Candace and I made the trip across the country from Ohio to Seattle five times together. I can’t even remember the details of all the trips. She desperately wanted to make that trip one more time with the kids, but that didn’t happen. I remember on one of the trips, we decided we were going to stop at every cheesy roadside attraction. We saw the giant statue of the Jolly Green Giant, The Corn Palace (which was to become a favorite stop), the Spam museum (inside some strip mall at the time, we almost didn’t find it), Wall Drug (of course the signs lured us in) and The Badlands. One trip we affectionately named “eating across America”. It was not our finest hour, although we did learn the joy of fry bread tacos and I learned NEVER to take Candace to Dairy Queen twice in one day.

This bag went with us on our RV trip to the Grand Canyon. On that trip we filled it with pamphlets, AAA Guides, books from the library with all the places on Route 66 she wanted to find and National Park guides. (We always tried to take national park trips, but usually ended up taking photos out of our car windows.) On our Grand Canyon trip, Candace had just had her hip replaced because the cancer had eaten through her bones. She had barely recovered from the surgery and her doctors told her she shouldn’t go. Thank god she had an adventurous spirit. Because every single moment of that trip – all of them will be part of my shared history with Madalyn and Grant. I thank god I had the support of people around me – both financial and emotional to make that trip happen. Even the plague of locust in Oklahoma has made a memory that will never be forgotten.

Of course, this bag, if I look closely, still has sand from our trip to Put in Bay. Last summer we went one last time together. Madalyn, myself and Candace – she drove up to the lake and met me, I drove her back. Just the drive up to the lake exhausted her. Looking back, I realize letting her drive was nuts, but she endured. She brought this bag - only this time it wasn’t full of towels and sunblock, it was full of medicine. She needed an entire canvas bag to hold all of her medicine. Later, after our trip, when we returned to Columbus, she was so exhausted she slept for two days without waking up. She didn’t take any of her medicine. Two days of missed morphine was two too many. That was when I realized, for her, it wasn’t ‘better living through chemistry’ but simply ‘living through chemistry’. But the day we went on our trip to the island? It was sunny and beautiful. I rented a golf cart and Candace, Madalyn and I laughed, went to the winery and drove around the island over and over and over – none of us wanted to leave. We even went junking! I had rented a hotel room by the water. At the end of the day we took the ferry back from the island and went to our favorite restaurant – Phil’s Inn and ate spaghetti. During dinner, Candace got the call that her grandmother Gwen had had a massive brain bleed. Gwen was much more than Candace’s grandmother, Gwen was Candace’s mom, her joy, her love. Hearing that Gwen had a massive brain hemorrhage and likely wouldn’t recover, I asked if Candace wanted me to take her back to Columbus. She said, “No, Gram would want me here by the lake. It was our favorite place. She loved it here and would want me to be here. I can’t take all the drama there. Here, I can make peace with everything.” She cried and cried, but I have no doubt Gwen was the first one to greet her last Sunday. Gwen died the next day. Candace often said that it was the hardest day of her life. Last Sunday was the hardest of mine.

When Candace died on Sunday, there was no funeral. She wanted to be cremated and there were no showing hours. I was with Grant and Madalyn when she died. When I told them, Madalyn asked me to take her to Put-In-Bay. I called the ferry and it was running but the lady at the ferry told me that nothing was open there this time of year. Everything is closed. No golf cart rental, no lobster bisque, nothing. When I told Madalyn, I promised her I would take her this summer. She and Grant and I will go to Put-In-Bay together and rent a golf cart and drive around. Sometime before this summer, her husband Mike and the family are planning a “Celebration of Life” party where everyone can come and share their stories of her. I hope I can make it.

I’ll make sure to bring the bag. I’d hate for it to miss anything.

Tending to the Heart

On Dreams and Other Things...
108 -->

  -->
I had two dreams last night - both of my closest friend, Candace. In the first dream, she was sitting on the couch in her living room. She was trying to talk to people because she had things she wanted to say. Everyone was gathered around her, and she was telling people how much she loved them and how she was going to miss her family and her friends. She was getting tired but we listened as she spoke to everyone individually as best she could. Then she got sick. She fell on the floor and I covered her with my body and held back her hair and she vomited - over and over. She said she was tired of being sick and I told her I love her - that everyone did. And I held her while she cried.

In the second dream, we were out shopping for Christmas gifts for her children. Grant and Madalyn were with us. Madalyn wanted a specific pair of shoes and we were in our third store looking for them. Candace looked at me and said, "Wow, look at you all getting me out shopping. You always gave me energy when I didn't think I had any". I looked at her and I said, "Honey, you know you aren't really here, right? I mean your body is back in that bed." And she looked at me and she smiled. I fell to the floor sobbing. I said, "How am I supposed to go on without you? How do I do that, because I don't know if I know how to do that." And I full-on, open-heart-chakra started wailing. She waited a moment, smiled at me again, touched  my head with her hand and said, "MK, my body is full of light." And I knew she'd be okay, I just wasn't so sure I would.

For the last two days I have watched as my best friend slowly drifts away. She has not been lucid. She has simply slept while hospice gives her medicine every few hours and people come and whisper their "I love you's" into her ear. I have tended to the kids, and let others tend to the things that needed tending. There has been a lot of 'tending' going on. I have tended to everything... everything except my heart.

I'm sitting in my hotel room right now; my beautiful goddaughter sleeping next to me. I'm trying to cry quietly so I don't wake her up. My bff hasn't eaten or had anything to drink for 4 days. It won't be much longer now.

But in my dreams? She is a ball of light. She is smiling. And she is full of love. She is the long-haired, hazel eyed, cheerleader. She is joy. And my heart knows that even as she transitions to another place, she is not so different there than when she was here.

ETA: 3 hours after writing this blog, my best friend died. I wanted to say she 'transitioned' or she 'passed' or any of those other euphemisms, but her body simply gave out. Her spirit did not.

Wheat Free, Dairy Free, Meat Free month!

Free of a lot, but not free of taste!
or
Avocados, how I love thee...

107

It's been months since I last wrote (March... really???). Maybe I haven't written because I'm happy. It's harder to write about the joy I feel in life - especially when a great deal of that joy is from having found such a wonderful partner. I'm honored to share my life with someone who treats me with such respect and love. I want to be careful not to step over the line and intrude on the life of someone who is more private than I am. 

That having been said, recently, my boyfriend and I have had some strong reasons to get back on track with our weight loss and motivation to be healthy. We were quite successful last year and both of us want to get back to paying more attention to what and how we eat. 

So with the suggestion and participation of my friend, Lori, this month is dairy free, wheat free, meat free month (she's also doing soy free, but I don't want to eliminate tvp or tofu)! Even my boyfriend is on board (he's awesome). I wish I had thought to take photos of day one... because it was amazingly delish. Luckily, I used a recipe from this website:

Oh She Glows!

A website full of yummy wonderfulness and photos. 

Tonight we had Tinkyada Organic Brown Rice Pasta with Creamy Avocado Sauce. It was so good! You can follow the recipe on the website. I put in a bunch of garlic... maybe too much! But the combo of lemon/avocado/garlic/basil was sublime.

I added a handful of walnuts to make it a bit more like pesto, used a whole lemon and two avocados and maybe half a cup of fresh basil. 

Photos from now on, promise.

What has been difficult for me this time is getting back on track. The re-aligning of my body with my new goals takes time. I'm still craving grease and meat! However, after day one I find that I feel full and content. I'm excited about the future and the rest of this month.

I'm fortunate that my friend Lori came over this weekend and we planned the month together. There is nothing more difficult than trying to plan alone. I always seem to fall short when I try to do this sort of thing alone. Not only that, but we put together grocery lists of things we needed.

I'm excited to post about this most recent foray into being healthy and happy with anyone who wants to read along. If you have a great recipe you'd like to share, please feel free to do so! 

Peace,

MaryKate

Intentional Living... Intentional loving...

My Days of No Outrage...


106


I'd like to start this blog with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Kim Antieau (if you haven't read her books Her Frozen Wild or Jigsaw Woman? They are must reads!). On her facebook page today she said,

I am continuing my days of no outrage. It is amazingly calming. If I start to feel outrage, I make myself look at the topic from many different points of view and many different angles. Doing this helps me see (even more than I did before) how the media distorts and how much the talking heads distort. I'm not outraged about this either. I understand how and why it happens. My action is not inaction. My action is that I will not participate in these many, many manipulated outrages. I will decide on my own if other action on my part is needed.


I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Bellingham while my bf is taking an improv class. He's doing something that makes him happy... so I thought taking a few minutes to write in my blog would make me happy. I could have spent my time watching him do improv, but I realized I needed a little "MK" time on the last weekend of a relatively busy Spring Break. 


So as I was sitting here glancing at my facebook page, Kim updated her status. I read her post and what she said really resonated with me. I realized in many ways, that is what I have been doing since my little 'incident' in the parking lot last summer. I feel like what she was expressing reflects how I have been living my life in a 'state of grace' since this summer. But really? It could have many different names: 'days of no outrage', 'intentional living', 'being centered', 'living in each breath'... but in many ways, it is all the same concept.


What I realized this summer is how crazy I was making myself trying to control everything. I think this idea of 'no outrage' is not only good for my health, but it is good for my heart. 


This post came at a good time for me. Recently, I was reminded of being less 'reactive' after my whole KONY2012 experience. I was outraged! Incensed! Horrified! I ran to the webpage, ready to MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!  Luckily, for me, the webpage was slammed and I couldn't do anything about my outrage. When I went back to the webpage, I started to have a 'feeling'. This 'feeling' led to discomfort. It pushed me to research the organization and I realized it wasn't a cause I felt I wanted to support. The webpage outage dispelled my outrage and it turned out to be a good thing for me. 


I have spent a lot of my life reacting to moments. Often passionately. I invest in my outrage. I did this recently with a blog I never ended up posting. In this blog, I spent a tremendous amount of time ranting about the man who shot his daughter's computer. I was OUTRAGED!!!  But something inside told me to stop, breathe and listen. That inner voice said, "MK, come back to the blog in a day and see if you still feel the same way." I was fortunate, I was able to talk about how I was feeling with my bf and he helped me process where my anger was coming from and what it was that was truly upsetting me. In the end, I realized what my outrage was about and recognized posting it all over the internet wasn't productive. I'm glad I didn't make those rantings public. 


Living a life of 'no outrage' seems like the next step in being more centered in my own life and maintaining a space of grace. The thing is, in our world, 'outrage' is a form of currency. It gets some people 'access', it gets others 'votes'. Outrage gets some people 'acceptance' and it gets others 'money'. It can be a very valuable commodity and manipulative people trade on its currency. I don't want to be one of those people that is on the other side of that manipulation.


I think what I like about what Kim said, is the idea that upon learning or reading something which triggers my desire to jump to action, I will, instead, take important time to reflect. Then I will decide what my next action will be and how I will respond. I can choose my actions based on what I have learned, not based on an emotionally driven response.


I was speaking this week to someone I trust, about if being in a state of grace constituted 'apathy'. I realized the two concepts can appear on the surface to be very similar. But it isn't apathy I am feeling. There is no emptiness. No lack of attachment. I still feel love. I still feel frustration. I still feel hurt. I still feel frightened at times. I think apathy is a lack of being centered, not a sign of it. I do care, I just want to get better at managing my caring in a way that leaves me feeling whole.


Peace,


MaryKate