I want to be Elaine...
86/100
I had a couple of experiences this week that made me deeply wish I was Elaine. You know... in Seinfeld? She and Jerry had a lusty romance, decided they weren't really meant for each other, so ended up being 'buddies' and spending all their spare time with each other (well when they weren't dating someone else) and on occasion, sleeping with each other, no strings attached.
I want to be Elaine.
I was talking to my friend A. about it today. I was telling him what had upset me this week and that I was feeling frustrated with myself about the situation. Essentially, I had the opportunity to spend some time with an ex. Actually, two different occasions to 'hang out' with men I had once been in a deeply committed relationship with. Men that at one time I had surely been friends with before being romantically connected. A. told me a story of a woman he had been involved with that took him 20 years before he could be 'buddies' with her. He said they are lovely friends today, but it took a long time.
The thing is? It apparently is only taking ME time. The other men in the situation have already moved on and I feel like I am left sitting in this situation where I am 'not' okay. I am 'not' ready to 'hang out'. I am not ready to be buddies. I am not ready to see them all cuddly with their new partners. And I keep asking myself what's wrong with me that I can't do this.
A. was kind enough to say to me today, that he thought that it might be that the less invested in the relationship one is, the easier it is to move on from. At first it made me smile to think that. To think that I just feel things deeply. Then I thought... hold on. What does that say about the people I choose to be involved with?
I want to be Elaine.
I want to be able to salvage a friendship from a defunct relationship. If I was once friends with someone, and we get romantically involved, and the romance doesn't work... shouldn't I be able to return to the friendship space? So far in my life, that has not happened. I mean I still 'chat' with some people I used to be involved with, and that is nice... but I'm not sure I'd say we were 'buddies'... most of those people live on the other side of the country or in another country entirely. That makes it tremendously easy to simply chat online or whatever...
Is it simply that men have an easier time of it than women? My friend D says that men tend to put things in their minds in filing cabinets. Once they are done with the drawer they simply close it and move on to the next drawer.
I don't know. What I know is that right now? I'm still not Elaine. And I wonder, what is more healthy... taking time to process how I am feeling, or to just get over it and move on?
Peace,
Marykate
4 comments:
We all process things differently- we grieve differently, celebrate differently... you're going to react to the end of a relationship differently than the person you were in it with- *and* you're going to feel differently about being friends after. I think that eventually, you're going to have to put things behind you and move on- however you need to do that. It doesn't necesarily mean you're going to be BFFs or even friends- and that's ok. My dad always said you can't be friends with someone you've slept with. LOL. There's a part of me that agrees on some level.
*hugs* Thinking of you MK. May you find the balance you're looking for.
Thank you Crystal *hugs*. <3 I'm closer each day to that balance <3
In a completely superficial side note--one of my exes and I consider ourselves Elaine and Jerry because we very easily were able to find what you talk about. That and we're just hilarious together;) other than that, the change is difficult. Don't be ashamed of taking your time--you may ACTUALLY want to be ready, where as your exes may just be pretending to be ready.
You know, it's funny. I think just writing about it helped. I may never be best 'buddies' with the people of my past, but I think I'm over trying to hold myself to some standard I think I am *supposed* to reach. I think, maybe the *real* problem? Is that I wasn't *that* great of friends *before* I got in the relationship. Maybe I'm more upset with *that* than anything else. *chuckle*. However, I do feel better and I feel like the bigger problem isn't that I'm not 'over' these relationships, I am - I am not pining away... I think the bigger problem is that this is another opportunity to let go of 'perfection' and just be me... :)
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