Come and Gone and Come...
98/100

It was good to be home for the three days I was there. My cat got over her stoney hello and purred happily, (until I left again), I got to connect with my support network there and I went to work to finish up a few things before I left for Ohio. I love my home. It is airy, and quiet. I get centered there. I am lucky to live where I do.

Mexico was amazing. My batteries were recharged and I regained my sense of delight and joy.

Ohio? Has been an adventure so far. The first day I arrived, C had just returned from the hospital. She was sick, unable to keep down food, everyone was in a state of chaos and I... quickly lost the centered feeling I had when I left to arrive here. I don't know why I didn't make the connection that C has been in the hospital for almost 2 months. She is weak, tired and on a lot of medication. Her personality is still as strong as ever, and as she gets better and better we have more and more conversations, but she is exhausted. And she is struggling to manage just the simple things. And I? Had no idea of the situation I was walking in to. I had no idea what it meant that she had two pulmonary embollisms in her lungs (two blood clots in her lungs). She's been in pain, she's recovering from hip surgery and the radiation is knocking her out. The main thing I find myself doing, is just loving her. Everything is secondary.

I have been accused of not liking it when things are unsettled. I've written a journal about it here, and my issues haven't really changed a whole lot. However, I am realizing that feeling uncomfortable also has to do with feeling like I have little or no control in my life. That is a big part of what is going on with me right now.

I feel so out of control. Each day I feel like I get my footing more solid, but it's solidly on beach sand. A wave comes, washes away the footprint and I start over again fresh. I am learning what she needs and what she doesn't need. I know better how to navigate her family. I know how to navigate her mom. I see how to connect with the kids and we have all been enjoying our time together. Her husband and I have had some time to reconnect as well.  I have all these plans in place. I have plans for my plans in case they don't work out. I have plans for my plans for my plans. I am a planning machine.

Yesterday, I was talking to my sister. I told her, I'd like to get a Yurt. I have wanted one for about 15 years; I think it would be a sanctuary in my life. I have been studying them, reading about them for ages. Anyhow, when I told my sister, she immediately started asking me about cost and practicality. I had to tell her to stop (which I don't do very often). One of the things that makes me who I am, is my need to dream. And when I dream? I tend to dream big. I need right now to dream about things that I feel are in my control. I want to be able to dream about having a yurt. I want to contemplate it. I want to design it. I want to think about how it will fit in the yard of my house and what it will take to build one. I want to have all kinds of dreams about it. For some, dreaming impractically must seem pointless. For me it is the best mental health exercise I know.

Sadly, for many of the people I love and have loved, my dreaming has ended up being a source of frustration. When I start to dream, I dream with passion. I dream with conviction. Even though it is just a dream and I know it might very well not happen, I have to have the space to explore it. I want to think I'll be able to do it. Like my big plans to go to India and Africa as a treat for myself when I turn 45. I plot and plan it all the time. Will I do it? Who knows, but I want to sit and dream about it and plan it.

And what I need when I am in that mode? Is for someone to dream with me, not tell me why I can't do it. And I think that is hard for the people I love. Because the devotion I exhibit is hard to deny. My enthusiasm is infectious. But then, when I change my mind, or move on to my next dream people get left behind. They get upset and angry. And I feel terrible. I don't know how to fix it when I move on to my next 'dream' and they are still left behind in my last dream. I often make my dreams happen, but I am generally not attached to how to make them happen. And sometimes I realize it is going to take some time for those dreams to happen. And I send them off to work while I move on in my mind to something else. But the people who are invested in my dreaming... they don't move on. And they get upset that I am not still on the bandwagon. Or worse they think THEY have to do something about my dream. They think THEY have to find the money to buy property on Orcas Island. Or a small summer home by the water or or or. My ex especially freaked out. To the point where he told me not to share that sort of thing with him anymore. I was absolutely crushed. If I can't share my dreams? What is the point? The person I love I want to be able to laugh and dream with.

I suppose it must make people think I am flakey and unreliable. I'm not. I'm at my bff's house helping her and her family. I am reliable. I can be counted on. But when I am in dream mode? I just want to be in dream mode... and what good is a dream if I can't share it? I try to take a certain responsibility for my dreams... But I know sometimes, they get away from me and become something else entirely.

This RV trip? Might be one of my dreams. It might not happen. C is really sick right now. I know if we had planned it for July? It for sure wouldn't happen. However, I am still enjoying dreaming about it. We keep talking about it. Madalyn has informed me she wants to go to the Wizard of Oz museum in Kansas. *grin* That made me smile. I have an alternate plan. If C can't go, I'm taking Madalyn and her brother with me and we're going to drive to Seattle on a different route. There will be some sort of a trip this summer. I have no idea what it will look like. But it will happen.

Maybe that is why I dream. Because dreaming brings things into life. Will my trip go the way I think it is going to go? Who knows. Do I particularly care? No. Because I know it will happen and we'll have a good time together, no matter how things emerge from our collective dreaming. We are all fluid right now, and as difficult is that generally is for me? I am learning to make peace with the uncomfortable feeling of dreaming on shifting sand.

Peace,

MaryKate