State of Grace, or, Once Upon a Pair of Pants...

102

About ten years ago now, I lost a lot of weight. Enough that I could fit down about three sizes of clothes. To celebrate my newly unwearable wardrobe, my sister, one of my best friends Lori and I went shopping. I was excited and tried on some pants I normally would never even consider wearing - leather pants. I walked out of the dressing room and my sister and friend teared up. They told me how beautiful I looked. How sexy. They told me they had never seen me look so hot.

I went back into the dressing room, took off the pants and started to cry. I kind of shattered into tiny pieces. I wasn't ready. I was terrified. My sister came back and asked if I was okay. I lied and said I was. Within a month I gained back all the weight I lost and then some.

I haven't really tried to lose weight since then. I've played around with the idea, but haven't really been willing to put myself out there and make it happen. My weight was comfortable. I felt safe. I felt... fine. But starting this blog last year was a step in a new direction, and this summer? Was in many ways the destination.

This summer, parts of me shifted. You can read about my summer here, but it was a wonderful, complex, difficult, insightful experience. I learned more about myself this summer than perhaps years of therapy could have ever taught me. (Not to knock therapy, I had some very meaningful insight in that process and highly recommend it.) This summer I learned about grace.

Grace sort of snuck up on me. Having lived my life thus far thinking I could control everything in my life, grace showed up and laughed at me. If I learned *anything* this summer,  I learned that I can't control everything. Heck, I can't control 'anything'. I realized I can't fix my friend's cancer, I can't make this experience 'okay' for her, her daughter or the rest of her family. One night, exhausted, unable to make myself drive that RV for one more day, full of grief and barely able to find one ounce of patience or compassion for myself or my friends, I had a breakdown in the hotel parking lot outside of Disneyland. I couldn't stand up and I couldn't stop crying. I sat on the slowly cooling asphalt and couldn't get my act together. Just like all those years ago in the dressing room, I felt all that anxiety and panic and fear overwhelm me.

But this time? When I put myself back together, I think I might have put the pieces back better. Instead of wrapping myself back into my weight, driven by my fear, I let go. Instead of grasping at the shore after the paralyzing wave of emotion washed over me, I let go. I moved away from the the idea that grasping onto the detritus along the shore was safer than moving through the current of my life. I let go of believing  that the shore was safer than 'swimming with god'. I let go of holding on to all the crap and allowed myself to be carried into the water away from shore. I felt liberated and I felt something inside me move out of the shadows and step into the light. I found the strong core of who I am step forward and act as a rudder in my life.

From that emotional low in the parking lot, I moved into what I can only call a 'state of grace'.  I wish I could explain it better. I wish I had the words to tell someone else what this feel like. Where I am in my life. But I feel... different. (I kinda want to break into the Westside Story classic, 'I Feel Pretty') I feel this sort of peace in my life. I realize I can't 'control' anything, but I can move with the flow of the water. I've been told that the only thing that moves with the flow of the water is a dead fish, but I disagree. I think that moving with the flow of the water is the best way not to drown. Learning to swim with the current is a heck of a lot less exhausting and much more fulfilling.

I started weight watchers again. I'm glad I did. The even nicer part is doing the program with someone. It's nice to cook for two and share the experience. There are three of us doing it together. God knows I have done WW probably 5 or 6 times, but this time? It feels like it is only an accessory to an already changed perspective on how and when and why I eat. I don't feel that desperation I felt before and I feel like I have a different relationship with food, with myself and with others. We are just doing the online part, not going to meetings, but so far I haven't missed them. I'm combining WW with the 12 step philosophy of taking things one moment at a time. Mostly, I'm just trying to remember to breathe.

This new space doesn't mean I didn't overeat this weekend. Doesn't mean I'm perfect by any means. But I do feel excited this time and letting go of ten pounds in the first week felt AWESOME. I don't expect those kind of results to continue, but I feel like this time if I follow the program, I'll see the results quickly.

This time, I'm going to come out of the dressing room happy and confident in who I am, no matter what shape or size.

Peace,

MaryKate