Well, who is that lovely lady?


93/100

Today one of my students who is all of 18 asked me if I had any idea what it was to know someone who could finish my sentences. Who understood me in a way no other person had ever understood me. If I knew what it was to be so in-love with someone you felt your soul open up. And to know it is someone you can’t have. Someone who can’t return what it is you offer. Someone you loved so deeply and so desperately that life without that person seems empty and barren.  I told him I knew that feeling, yes. I knew the feeling of loving someone and realizing it is unattainable. And? I told him that truly being in-love is reciprocated. Truly feeling that amazing feeling of belonging, of connection, of love is something that comes from two people, not one.

But I'm wondering now if that is true. If maybe, in order to be ready for that amazing feeling of belonging between two people, you gotta master it with the only 'one' that matters.


Recently, I have made some deep realizations about my life. And getting to this point hasn't been easy. There have been tears. Lots of them.


But I think I get myself now. Maybe for this round of understanding I've finally made it to the other side of the river. And I can see where I have come a little better from the this side of the rushing water. 


For many of my 43 years on this planet I have been searching for 'the one'. It has driven my life. I felt that if I just found 'the one' and I looked in his eyes? I would see that I am okay. That I am loved. That I am whole. I thought once I looked into his eyes and he thought I was beautiful? *I* would finally feel that way about myself. Once I looked into his and eyes and *he* said I was smart? I'd believe that about myself as well.


Except in my life? That hasn't happened. And in my life? It wasn't going to happen. Not because I haven't or won't fall in-love, but because finding that space to realize I am beautiful and that I am worthy doesn't come from outside myself. It comes from inside. And for most of my life, when I looked in the mirror, I saw someone fat and unattractive. I chose relationships that reflected that back to me. Guys who loved me... but weren't in-love with me. Guys I could pour my heart out to that could not return that sort of affection. Guys who were as emotionally crippled as I was.


I did this, not because I chose bad men. Categorically, the men I have chosen in my life have been good guys. Every one of them. But I chose guys that couldn't dig into problems and be honest with themselves or with me. And I chose men like that because *I* couldn't do that fully with myself. I couldn't look in myself and see that I was worthy of what I needed and wanted in a relationship. That it was *okay* to want and need things within a relationship. That I didn't have to give myself away to be loved. It was naive of me to think that some man was going to take care of those things for me. That some partner was going to 'heal' that need for safety, security and that deep deep need we *all* have to feel loved.


A few weeks ago, I was putting on makeup in my bathroom. And when I was done, I said to myself, "You look so pretty today." As I walked out of the bathroom, I had an OMG! moment. Followed by tears.  I realized I had said that to myself and NOT added "if only you lost 80 pounds", or "on the inside", or "if only you could make that nose smaller" or "if only you didn't have scars on your body" or or or. A lifetime of "or's" and "if only's". And in that moment? I knew I finally got it. I understood what it was not to be waiting for someone ELSE to tell me I was pretty. Or I was special or I was worthy of being loved.


And I realized? I was done looking. Well.. done looking for THAT ONE guy that was 'the one'. I realized I was fully ready to be who I am. Solid in the knowledge that I like me. I'm not going to drag someone to dinner with me, or keep trying to force someone to hang out with me, or continue hanging out with someone that doesn't add something amazing to my life. I may meet a thousand more people before I find a partner I want to be with as an equal. I'm okay with that. I know I will make a lot of friends on the way and? I'll meet some people who are not people I'll keep along the way. And that is okay as well. I do not *have* to like everyone. I can be kind, I can be loving and I can be honest without being cruel.


And if I am 83 and I am not partnered up? I will go dancing with my goddaughter or her children and walk the beaches by myself and think... dang woman! You've lived an incredible life! What an amazing lady you are! 


And I know I'll say this because right now? I finally understand I already am.


Peace,

MaryKate