Ending the Hunt for "Normal"
11/100
I have spent my life 'seeking normal'. Like some bad 80s movie starring Madonna, I've done it almost desperately. I can't tell you how many countless hours I have spent comparing myself to some mythic 'normal person' and saying, "What would a normal person do here?" I question so many of the things I do. I find myself thinking, "Okay, if I was normal, how would I act in this situation?" Usually the answer to that is some unrealistic expectation I can't even begin to emulate.
I'm going through a frustrating time in my life at the moment. Looking at old patterns, seeing I am likely repeating one that hasn't served me well in the past. And not surprisingly, I find myself trying to figure out what a 'good' person, or a 'normal' person would do.
Tonight, I am extra grateful to my sister. I was chatting with her and I said, "I keep thinking a normal person would just wait and see what is going on instead of obsessing about it and being all upset."
And my sister said, "well.. I have to say.. I think that might not be true.. I think there is a difference between normal and healthy. Normal people tend to do stupid things, everyday - normal is mainstream, it's the masses. Normal doesn't mean healthy. It takes conscious effort to be healthy. Healthy people have learned to make good choices for themselves, they have clarity of what doesn't work for them and they don't compromise their values. A healthy person has boundaries. She knows when someone treats her in a way that is not loving; a healthy person knows how to let others know when her boundaries have been crossed."
I thought a lot about that. Maybe there IS no normal, or at least no 'great noble normal' that is unrealistic and unfair to myself. I think my sister is correct, there is a difference between 'normal' and 'healthy'. Comparing myself to some mythical 'perfect person'? Is not being healthy. What is healthy is not beating myself up over struggling. It is allowing myself to have the experience I am having instead of trying to force myself to push through it like I 'think' a 'normal' person would do. Being healthy is recognizing my boundaries, respecting them and doing a better job of respecting myself.
Peace,
MaryKate
2 comments:
Thank you MaryKate for sharing your journey, it has been an interesting and inspiring read.
As I read this most recent blog, I was reminded of my own journey to internal peace through struggles. One of my most empowering lessons was remembering to trust myself above any other influence. This is a twofold process, the first being to turn off the constant chatter we obsessively cling to in our mind which is influenced by the outside world and then to listen to the inner truth of who we 'really' are. We are constantly creating and re-creating our state of being, positive or negative.
Basically, there is no such thing as 'normal' and everything outside of us is really non-existent.
Most recently, I have learned to calm myself and comfort my emotions through lovingly talking to myself as if I was my own best friend. Then, saying a prayer of gratitude to God. It really helps!
Sometime ago, in looking at my lifespan backwards and forwards, (I am 42 after all) I realized, I have already spent half of my life, much of it in pain, agony, questioning, searching, etc. and I thought, "Ok Lora, how do you want to spend the second half of your life?" The answer; in peace and happiness. Therefore, I strive to protect and nurture my state of being in any way possible.
Throughout our twenties, we are looking forward, in the middle age period, we can look back and we are still looking forward. At some point, we are primarily looking backwards. Ever notice that older people are constantly recounting the same stories over and over again? I hope in our older years, our stories are happy ones and our life has been fulfilling.
So, I guess, with all this blah blah blah, what I am really saying, be gentle with yourself MK, you are very brave/courageous for sharing your most inner struggles in this forum, and in reading your story, it has inspired me, so I thought, if you don't mind I'd share some of myself with you. Peace and Love, and again thank you! <3
Thanks Lora :). It's a good point to remember that there is a lot of 'future' ahead and that *I* get to choose what I'd like that future to be about... Learning to trust myself has been a... 'complicated' process, when you don't trust yourself, it becomes so hard to trust anyone else... learning to trust myself and use more gentle 'self-talk' has been important - just like you said. <3 for reading and sharing your journey as well!
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