Anger Ain't the Enemy...

13/100

I find myself having to deal with some of my anger issues lately. I see it as sure sign that I am living a more healthy life.

I grew up in a household with a lot of anger. A lot of raging, actually. Unpredictable raging. Once the raging was over? Everyone pretended it never happened. Anger? Was BAD. Anger made me want to hide in closets or under the bed. Anger felt wild and I couldn't find safety in a world where uncontrolled anger could catch me when I wasn't looking. I never processed the difference between anger and rage. To me? They were the same thing.

When I first went to college I was sure that anger was an unproductive emotional response and I spent a great deal of time explaining to people (in my 'I know it all' college age way) that anger wasn't necessary and that the more 'elevated' your 'soul' was, the less you got angry. The 'new agey' people I was hanging around with constantly stressed how important it was to be an 'old soul' and how 'old souls' were so 'above' common emotions like anger'. Old souls were all 'love' and 'peaceful' and happy. I wasn't an 'old' soul if I felt anger, therefore, no anger from this girl. No sir, no way.

Not processing anger has left me with a great deal of pent up anger. I think in general, we as a society haven't learned to deal with anger. Lashing out at the idiot that cut me off in traffic? A general way of venting enough anger to keep the kettle boiling, but not overflowing.

Especially in relationships (both casual and 'partners'), I've found myself unwilling to get angry. Hey, patience is the sign of an evolved person, so I just. needed. to. be. patient. Which of course left me feeling bitter, resentful and usually? I just ate about it.

But lately I've been looking at things that make me angry. Looking back on past relationships I can see that not being willing to be angry caused me to spiral out of control on the inside. Calm and in control on the outside? Check. A furious, spiraling mess on the inside? Absolutely. 

I see so much rage around me, Liberals vs. Conservatives. Fox new lovers vs. Msnbc lovers. The Right vs. The Left. Rage against the Muslims. This rage isn't productive. I think working on our anger issues is responsible, understanding our fear is essential. But as long as we let tv/radio personalities drive us to rage? We've stopped thinking and are acting from a place of fear. Acting out of fear seldom produces sustainable outcomes that nurture us and make us healthy.

I'm practicing remembering to breathe. I'm learning to honor the anger I am feeling and then direct it where it belongs; being emotionally responsible means not vomiting emotions all over the people I love. I still believe forgiveness is an important way to process anger, but jumping to forgiveness without giving the anger due process? Isn't true forgiveness, it's actually rather condescending. 

I won't lie. Anger still scares me. I still want to run and hide under the bed like a frightened eight year old when someone around me screams or shouts profanity. I'd like to say I've mastered 'anger'. But I'm not sure that is something that will ever happen for me... and I'm not sure I want to 'master' anger. That sounds too dangerously close to 'being perfect' to me.

I am understanding that being angry and raging are two different things. Raging only leaves the people around you scared. Anger and rage are not the same things and being angry? Can be motivating, head clearing and sometimes the only way to reach self honesty. I got angry that I couldn't go on those rides at Cedar Point. I didn't get angry at the policies of Cedar Point, that isn't where my anger was really coming from. My anger came from feeling fat and knowing I needed to do something about it. I didn't remain angry, I used that initial anger to motivate myself to make some serious changes in my life. Staying angry isn't healthy, but accepting anger and working through it is helping me move to a new, healthy place in my life - it's being an adult not a frightened child. It isn't easy to work through anger, but I do believe it is essential to achieving a space where I am centered, present and the only way I know how to get and stay healthy. So much sickness and disease comes from not processing anger, fear and sorrow.

Peace,

MaryKate