Baby, baby, no baby...
43/100
I went to a birthday party recently, for just about one of the cutest 2 year olds out there ;). It was lovely. Little mermaid theme! There were *many* two year olds there and lots of pregnant ladies. Not to mention little brothers and sisters of said 2 year olds. Just lots of little ones. I felt lost. I don't know if I lasted more than 30 minutes. Lots of noise, lots of screaming, lots of playing... lots of a world I clearly am not part of.
Part of me felt lost because I never had a baby. I wasn't able to. I used to be sad about it, and even though I made my peace with it a long time ago, I still have moments when I wonder 'what if'. Perhaps, as a woman, I have that 'you MUST have a baby' thing, but I have done a pretty good job of taking that 'baby' energy and using it toward being a good teacher and 'big sister' to more than just my biological sister. It's so ironic to me. My mother used to say a man just had to hang his pants on the door and she was pregnant. Having had 5 kids, I suppose she was correct. I hope that doesn't sound too crass. I just know at 38, when she gave birth to me? She told my dad "She can't grow up alone" and turned right around and had another baby. At almost 40 having two babies in the 1960s? My mom? Was radical.
I also haven't had the fortune of meeting someone I wanted to have a baby with. There was one guy once... but I suppose that is another blog story. Regardless, having a baby never happened for me. I've had people say I was irresponsible for not having a child (implying I should have married earlier), I've people say that it's selfish not to have children. I even had someone say to me once that not having a baby was not following God's plan for me. I was 'living in sin' at the time and I thought about yelling "Get me a HUSBAND and I'll THINK about it!" But I was way too proud to say anything like that. I 'knew' what I was doing. Oh my 20s when I was sure I had all the answers *smile*. I guess I bring this up because if you see someone without a child, you have no idea what her story is. And asking or assuming? Could really deeply hurt someone. Just sayin...
Oh, and just so we are clear, in my 40s? I'm pretty sure I don't have *any* answers. :). I don't know why, as a woman, we so often define ourselves by whether or not we have a baby. What I do know? Is that there are some days I am really sad I didn't have a child. And there are some days I am okay with not having a child. Heck there are even days when I think I still *might* have a child. I know my life is open to a variety of different paths ahead of me.
But it is odd that there is a whole part of the culture I can't relate to. Babies, videos and photos and constant stories about babies. Women rewriting their lives around their babies. Baby this baby that... babies playing with other babies. Mommy/baby play dates. Baby toys, baby food, baby clothes, baby movies. Making babies smart, making babies 'hip'... it's a lot of baby out there.
I know not having had a baby, sometimes I don't have as much patience for babies as someone who has had a baby. Although I resent someone telling me that because I haven't had a baby, I have no right to be upset when a parent isn't parenting. I had a friend (which I haven't spoken to since) tell me once that because I wasn't a parent I didn't have the right to be upset about a baby crying (okay pretty much screaming) on a particularly long flight. As someone who has never had a child, I seldom tell someone else how to parent. And I still believe that it isn't a baby's fault when it is on a long flight, screaming with no toys or anything to help the situation. Granted it might have been a first time mother and there are all sorts of perspectives in the situation and simply because I never had a child doesn't mean I should not be allowed to be upset when one screams for hours straight. I believe there has to be a balance between those with children and those without.
Anyhow, I started this blog because I hope that my friends with babies understand when I don't stay long at a baby party. I want to go and I enjoy spending alone time with the little one... but a room full of babies? Well... it can be hard for me. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to screaming, I'm not used to yelling. And in return, I'll be as patient as possible. I'll remind myself that I am not around babies all day and night. I won't give advice unless you specifically ask me, and if you do ask me for advice I will gently but clearly remind you I have no kids. Sometimes I can see things from a fresh perspective, but I never expect you to do what I suggest. Please don't take it personally if I don't stay too long. I have so little in common with your life. I still love you and I still adore you and I think the sun shines from the eyes of your child. You have some patience with my world? And I will support you and love you and be patient with your world as well :).
Peace,
MaryKate
oh and ps? If I ever DO have a baby or child in my life? Be prepared for a trillion questions. I have no mom to ask and you mommies out there are *doing* it!
I also haven't had the fortune of meeting someone I wanted to have a baby with. There was one guy once... but I suppose that is another blog story. Regardless, having a baby never happened for me. I've had people say I was irresponsible for not having a child (implying I should have married earlier), I've people say that it's selfish not to have children. I even had someone say to me once that not having a baby was not following God's plan for me. I was 'living in sin' at the time and I thought about yelling "Get me a HUSBAND and I'll THINK about it!" But I was way too proud to say anything like that. I 'knew' what I was doing. Oh my 20s when I was sure I had all the answers *smile*. I guess I bring this up because if you see someone without a child, you have no idea what her story is. And asking or assuming? Could really deeply hurt someone. Just sayin...
Oh, and just so we are clear, in my 40s? I'm pretty sure I don't have *any* answers. :). I don't know why, as a woman, we so often define ourselves by whether or not we have a baby. What I do know? Is that there are some days I am really sad I didn't have a child. And there are some days I am okay with not having a child. Heck there are even days when I think I still *might* have a child. I know my life is open to a variety of different paths ahead of me.
But it is odd that there is a whole part of the culture I can't relate to. Babies, videos and photos and constant stories about babies. Women rewriting their lives around their babies. Baby this baby that... babies playing with other babies. Mommy/baby play dates. Baby toys, baby food, baby clothes, baby movies. Making babies smart, making babies 'hip'... it's a lot of baby out there.
I know not having had a baby, sometimes I don't have as much patience for babies as someone who has had a baby. Although I resent someone telling me that because I haven't had a baby, I have no right to be upset when a parent isn't parenting. I had a friend (which I haven't spoken to since) tell me once that because I wasn't a parent I didn't have the right to be upset about a baby crying (okay pretty much screaming) on a particularly long flight. As someone who has never had a child, I seldom tell someone else how to parent. And I still believe that it isn't a baby's fault when it is on a long flight, screaming with no toys or anything to help the situation. Granted it might have been a first time mother and there are all sorts of perspectives in the situation and simply because I never had a child doesn't mean I should not be allowed to be upset when one screams for hours straight. I believe there has to be a balance between those with children and those without.
Anyhow, I started this blog because I hope that my friends with babies understand when I don't stay long at a baby party. I want to go and I enjoy spending alone time with the little one... but a room full of babies? Well... it can be hard for me. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to screaming, I'm not used to yelling. And in return, I'll be as patient as possible. I'll remind myself that I am not around babies all day and night. I won't give advice unless you specifically ask me, and if you do ask me for advice I will gently but clearly remind you I have no kids. Sometimes I can see things from a fresh perspective, but I never expect you to do what I suggest. Please don't take it personally if I don't stay too long. I have so little in common with your life. I still love you and I still adore you and I think the sun shines from the eyes of your child. You have some patience with my world? And I will support you and love you and be patient with your world as well :).
Peace,
MaryKate
oh and ps? If I ever DO have a baby or child in my life? Be prepared for a trillion questions. I have no mom to ask and you mommies out there are *doing* it!
2 comments:
I have flown with young children. I have walked the "walk of death" down the aisle holding a baby. I have seen the "please God not this row" on your faces as I pass by.
And I have flown on business many times without the child, and understand that point of view, too.
All I can say is this: for those of you that were unlucky enough to have been on a red-eye flight from Seattle to Cleveland in February 1992, I am sorry. My then four month old son cut two teeth on that flight. He couldn't help it, he was miserable. But I was mortified.
*hugs* I DO understand! You are not the person I get frustrated with... it is complicated for both sides of the issue. I don't give the 'please god not this row' look but I understand how hard it is for people with no children to be forced into a world of seat kicking and screaming. It isn't easy. I also think? Some parents are more prepared and others aren't. AND sometimes? a baby is just going to have a bad flight. Usually? My heart is full of compassion for you *and* your child. Not everyone who is childless is compassionate. And not every parent is compassionate either. It's an odd thing in our society. Often it almost comes across as 'us' and 'them'. I think a little compassion on both sides is important.
although... I *still* get sooo frustrated when a parent allows his/her child to run out of control, pulling down clothes, screaming, 'playing', running, etc. through a store where I am trying to shop. That to me is disrespectful of me, of the people who own the shop and those who must work in the shop cleaning up after the child is gone, etc. Again I think it comes down to compassion and respect for both sides of the situation...
Oh and I used to travel for a living. I *know* there were flights where babies screamed the WHOLE flight because of teething or whatever... and honestly? I can't remember a specific incident, so apparently, memories of that sort of thing are pretty short lived. ;)
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